Who else here has given up on relationships..?

Patty -- Do you think that perhaps, because we are thinking about this, it means that we haven't "given up" but are only in a time of recuperation? It is hard to figure out how to have a good new life.

and it is fine to be in "recuperation" and take as long as you want........xoooooooooxxx pat

Thanks, dear Pat.
I have learned "it takes as long as it takes," and whether it's recuperation which will lead to a happy, healthy relationship at long last...or....as in my case:
I am in my cocoon for now, and it feels right and necessary. When I finally emerge from it, I'll be a different sort of creature...happier, emotionally self-sufficient, and spiritually in tune.
Love
Patty

Seeker, and Patty, it is sounding good from you and if you say so, than I must apoligize to her for alluding she was winey and so forth. I just was reminding her that she "may" change her mind soon." Do we know the furture and we must be ready for "him" if he appears, for life does only have chances of a lifetime that only come once, so I was just reminding her to be more perky and to practice the art of communication on a fuller spectrum, such as being physically apealing to people, giving open to a hug, being open to close personal bonding such as touch between benevelent friends of all the sexes.

I notice that women especially, start to dress like men and to behave less and less lovable, trusting and touching in speech and action when they were hurt before. It reflects their inner love for themselves as much as outward showing of affection. When a woman closes the door too hard on mating totally she may lose some of her precious self which was never intended to be tossed. Why don't we have a group hug girls. I agree with Pat that she is doing just fine and that I too am proud of her. Can we hug? Love Razel

i have a man in my life.

i defend Patty's choices and anyone else who decides that they know themselves better than others do. i wear jeans a lot and it hasn't affected my feminity at all. ask Bill.

i'm glad you apologized to Patty. she deserved an apology from you, as would any other woman, or man, who knows their life and has made choices how to live it.

i know that you own your beliefs about living your life and i might not agree with it, but i'm not going to diss you about it.

good luck, pat

Hi, all.
Thanks, Fayerody, for your support of my choices. Meeting and dating is out of the question for me right now.
Razeljenny, I'm not mad at you or upset at all for your observations. Some of what you have said is actually true! It's just where I am right now, and it feels okay.

I woke up at 4 a.m. this morning pondering my art compositions for my advisor/professor at the university. I must submit them to him next week. This kind of immersion in my art is a good thing, and something I ignored for many years in favor of concentrating on my relationships with men. I see it now as a real waste of my time and energy. I also know that the ME now would respond quickly and confrontationally to the BS these men were handing to me! LOL! and HOORAY! So, if these experiences were worth anything, it is that I have learned something. Some lucky women know all this intuitively, but my history was to be a fixer and a doormat.
Just let me give you one example of how I have changed::::
The old high school friend recently divorced who lives just a few miles from me. In my past mental, emotional mode I might have tried to make a relationship with this man, who has told straight up he is looking for sex, first and foremost. We know each other from way back and were always good friends, but there is no way I would enter into a shallow relationship with him now, though he continues to email and call.
Also, I work with other single women my age who never date and they seem fine with their life, and are happy. I seem to have become one of them!
Patty

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[b]razeljenny said:[/b
I notice that women, especially, start to...behave less and less lovable, trusting and touching in speech and action when they were hurt before. It reflects their inner love for themselves as much as outward showing of affection. When a woman closes the door too hard on mating totally she may lose some of her precious self which was never intended to be tossed.

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Wow! I have no idea what you guys are discussing because I just clicked onto this post at random and started reading...

but, just wanted to say to Razel - nicely put! Wow! Really! I never, ever "thought" about it like that - "felt" about it like that, but never really put it into words (a thought), that sort of consequence about making such a decision.

That is definitely a thought worth deeper contemplation!

(Ooooh, an interesting thought to get lost in! Yay!)

AS

I do understand and apperciate Razel's observation, but , let me tell ya, it takes me a very, very long time to process hurt, especially on a romantic level. I am wondering if there is anyone else here like me, or if I am the only one.
I am only now realizing how I should have resonded to insults and failures 5 or 7 years ago! I've posted about this in a new thread.
This is clearly my emotional makeup, to withstand mistreatement, and then blame myself till I finally realize,
"Hey, this wasn't my fault!" I am currently having visualizations of he correct responses, many years too late!If people get into questioning my mindset, I can get into specifics of why I realize all of this, but, trust me, I am correct in my conclusions. I was involved with men who were of bad character and ill intentions. I truly could have lost everything I've worked for in my solo life.
As I mentioned in my other thread about no longer being a "fixer" and a good girl, I now lack the energy or desire to extend myself.
Patty

Well, I'm heading in the same direction as most of you.

I've had my heart broken recently, even though I may have gotten in a fee scratches in my defense on my ex-boyfriend's heart.

But it was the first time (yes in my what appears young life of 27) that I fell in love for the first time and made love to someone, for only to be dumped due to my major depressive disorder.

I was completely honest with him from the start, that I have MDD (and later found out I also have dysthymia, after the fact) and taht I was on meds and counselling. He seemed cautious at first and tentative, but he went head long into the relationship, and after 2.5 months (ok only 5 mo. relationship, but it felt more like plus a year due to great intimate communication skills).

I'm still resentful that it seems I took most of blame for the failure of the relationship, even though there were other factors. Plus, how can you really trust someone and have faith in them if they aren't there for you in the short run. I feel, like I was given only half a chance, even though it was my first time in an adult relationship (puppy love at 18 doesn't really count, even though that boyfriend lasted double the time this one did, without knowing the probably cause of depressed behavior).
Why do people think they can handle a relationship with a mental health consumer, when they can't even hold on for a few months, while we wait for the mental health system makes us wait to get additional treatment. Ironically enough, I got in to the Mood disorder clinic, 2 weeks after the break up, when the application for assessment was made 2 months earlier, while relationship was starting to go badly.
I know life isn't fair, but can we make it fairer for ourselves.

Bitter & sad in Ottawa

Seeker, I want to say thankyou for explaining details about yourself and I better agree and must logically with you that the ******** can cause a slowing of my journey for no apparent reason. I too am working on a degree in something at college and find myself getting too insecure especially with certain classes, and trying to fall back on the love scene for a break temporily. I reason from your words of experience that I might get permantly sidetracked or if not that I may not complete the dream for myself in Business Administration and Journalism news reporting. I know that even though I am early fourties, that time might just slip too fast and i may lose the mark i have been aiming at. I thank you for the candid honesty and am reflecting more carefully on my behavior. I can't say I am changing quickly enough but Know that I can decide to do it soon. Thankyou Seeker

Alteredstate, I am trying to meet at the balance. For me, I need that. I read Seeker, (who is working on her degree) and discovered that I too "could" gain from the stance that she is taking in some respects. On the other side of the coin, I am quite enjoying ventures out with affectionate showing of myself because even though I had been pretty badly injured ( ex. in Relationshiping-some of it was extremely badly hurt to close to dying out spiritually, mentally and even in one case physically) I cracked the doorway open a tiny bit (vulnerable=ok=still ok=even delightful because the truth hurtest but looks good on me too/potluck/ life IS Good -sometimes on days- when I have pep enough to give it a chance minus other days (no Way) But, Somedays people, that "door" is locked shut, still I might choose to open the emotional and spiritual blinds and or dance to my own bluey or rock tunes if I can and the old 45 years olds kid energy kicks into gear when my mental transmittion has the gusto; some days I'm by my lonesomeness a shaking under the covers doing the teardrop sonata and could be watering the invisable grass that would grow if it could on my two embrodered pillowcases-"The greif days, those be; hopefully the merry-go-round keeps me spinning as the world turns in my own opera of my life- my personal television show, like the "As The World Turns." My kids are the commercials, and waiting in line at the bank and supermarket are the perks that make me take thoughtful thought breaks defined as (appropriate anger letting- in blood-letting form - a deep-breathing yoga type activity-)to say me prayers not to get hostile and unkind. I love others more than I love me but the oxymoron is-comming here and having friends, I am starting to like me, just alittle more. Here Here !!!

I truly understand both perspectives here (and I will never just pop in with a comment before reading the rest of the thread first...).

Both situations need to be conscious decisions.

My decision to "give up" on relationships was not a "conscious" one. It was a slow process of removing myself from society which was very damaging. Likewise, to continue to try to have a relationship (or to develop a new one) - which often happened on an unconscious level for me (because my preferred way of life has always been "single") - had also resulted in pain and suffering (of 2 people, now, instead of just me).

I guess what I am trying to say is, whatever decision we make regarding this issue should be made CONSCIOUSLY.

It was not that way for me, and I (and others) suffered immensely for it.

I did (was willing to) slam that door, but Razel made me realize that I was giving up a huge part of me (that I did not/would not? acknowledge was there). On the otherhand, how could I present myself to anyone properly, if I do not know who I am , what my beliefs are, where my moral/ethical boundaries lay, etc. and have it be successful?

The only option left, it seems, is to develop a solid relationship with myself. Then I can develop a solid relationship with someone else.

Ok, now I'm lost in what I am trying to say, but what I do know is, I will not be slamming and locking ANY doors, because every time I do, a piece (large or small) of me dies.

I know and agree with all of this. I am 30 now and so far nobody has come around with the intention of wanting to spend some time with me. Everybody has already found someone to be with. I am always alone. I am still fighting it though. Half of the time I give up on the relationship thing since it will never happen to me. The rest of the time I am just hoping and looking around. Sometimes I look around and watch people, waiting that one of them would turn my way. From all this looking and searching I feel that my head is nothing else but a pair of desperate eyes.

Valex....I think 30 is so young, and much too young to give up on having a happy relationship. My attitude and stance has much to do with my age of 56, my previous bad experiences since my divorce of 8 years ago, and the need to center myself emotionally. I do not recommend adopting this attitude to anyone, either those my age or those older or younger. It's just where I am at this time.
Patty