[middie]

would appreciate some advice........

I am 32 weeks pregnant with a planned pregnancy - 1st baby with new partner of two years - 3 previous children from 15yr marriage ended in divorce.

Last friday I went to pick up my partner from work to go out for some dinner - waited outside his work for him - didn't text him regarding plans, as I have done previously and he always has mobile switched off - my 16yr old daughter in the car with me - waited until he came from work and was walking with female colleague - walked past us and continued to walk with her across car park and out onto road to her parked car and then they get into her car. They do a u-turn and as she is driving past us he sees us and asks her to pull over.

I drive to where he normally parks his car and eventually he comes to the car. I ask him what is going on......he says he told me that she asked him to walk her to her car as she has been frightened walking alone.....he did about a week earlier in a passing conversation......I said to him you never told me that is was going to be a regular thing or that you get into her car. They were also planning a works night out on the saturday and I had offered to drive him to and pick him up after so that he could have a drink however he had said no that this female colleague would do that as she was passing that way.

I had also told him that two female colleagues that I worked with had caught their husbands online chatting to females and I had said that I felt it was dreadful....both had children and were prepared to risk all they had and was it really worth it. Their was no reply from him and he quickly changed the subject. The next day I had text him to ask if I could borrow his laptop to do some research for a friend.......when I looked at his laptop he had put a password protection on it (this coming from a guy who had to get my daughters to show him how to turn the laptop on a few weeks ago) and he waited until he got home from work and had cleared his browsing history before he text me his password number.

Anyway when he got into his car to drive away and I got hold of his mobile phone and asked to have a look at it..... he started to pull the mobile from my hands really hard....he was not letting me have his mobile ....no way.....so much so that when he got the phone out of my hands he had pushed against me and I had fell right back and hurt myself. I told him I was having tightenings and to give me the keys to the car and go. My 16yr old who had seen everything was shouting at him to get away from me and go.

When I got home I had a call from him I didn't answer, I was in shock with the fall and I received a text from him saying that it wasn't what I thought and that he was walking a colleague and that she was in fear of her safety and he loved me and had no designs on anyone else. The following day I had to go into hospital to get checked over as I had not felt the baby move. Later that day I text him to tell him that I had a scan baby was ok. Nothing from him. I text his parents later that day to ask if he was there.....he then called me from his parents saying that he has just switched on his mobile.

I asked him questions about everything and why he wouldn't just tell me the truth as to why he would not let me see his mobile? why he kept it switched off all the time and charged it in his car only? why he deleted his browsing history? why he lied about his colleague passing through so she could pick and drop him off, when she lived in the town where they worked and would have to come out of her way to do this?? He said that I should trust him....got angry and put the phone down. I text him that it was over between us as he could not be honest with me.....if he wanted to move on with me to come and speak face to face and tell me the truth and we could work at things.

He called me the next day and arranged that he would come over the following day before or after work and he would give me his mobile and I said he could take mine for the day so as he would have a mobile. He told me he loved me and our baby.

He never came and never made contact with me. It got to late wednesday evening and I text his parents that I had not heard from him.....they said they hadn't either since the sunday when he had told me he would come over the following day. His parents said they had no idea he was going to do this as they had offered to bring him over to mine anytime he wanted and he had promised to go to work the following day. I have since found out his hasn't been to either of his two jobs. I asked his parents if I should go over to his flat as I had a spare key, they said yes to check he was ok and hadn't done anything silly. I went over no sign of him. I called his parents and they said they would try contact him. I left a note in his flat to contact his parents to let them know he was ok. I text him to let me know that he was ok as I was worried sick.

The following day I received a text message from his parents saying he had been on contact with them and that he was staying with friends locally and would it be ok for his dad to collect his keys etc at a suitable time for me.

I was so angry, that I didn't respond to the text from them. I was deeply hurt that he felt was not coming over to pack his things himself and face me and that he was getting his father to do it. I text him that I loved him and wanted him to come and tell me the truth and we could work through things and work at being a family. I told him that if he wanted his dad to come over that afternoon then I would be in and would take it that he wanted out of the relationship and never contact him again.

It has now been four days and no contact from him. I am wondering whether to trust my gut instinct and he is with someone else and to move on??? He has never told me of any friends he could stay with locally??? We have had a falling out twice previously and he went to his flat overnight and we sorted things the next day.

I just don't understand and as he wont speak or make contact with me then I can't have any closure and begin to move on.......I am having to make arrangements for other people to be with me when I go into labour as he has gone and I am frightened about it all and facing it on my own??? His mobile is constantly switched off??

apologies for the long posting ...would appreciate any advice???

[healingme4me]

Grappling for a cell phone, a 7/8 month pregnant woman, from force, falls.

When I went for my ro extension hearing, there was a woman with a broken finger, that resulted from grappling over a cell phone. I had severe bruising on my arm, and a near break, from a 'grappling' incident.

Can you afford, to live, without him? I'd probably, march right down to the probate office and file, immediately for child support. Seeing, that he's choosing to no longer come home.

Regardless, if he's having an affair or not. Yes, the password protect, is suspect, as it's out of character, for no other reason, than it's out of character.

Sorry, you are going through this.

[Perna]

Oh, I'm so sorry, middie, it does not sound like a gut instinct to me but a clear case of move on. So hard with you being pregnant, still loving him and no understanding or satisfaction, etc. I hope you do not take him back when his other relationship(s) end and he has nowhere to go and pretends to profess caring, etc. Just that he involves his parents in his ugly behavior gets me angry, they don't need to be go-betweens because he is a coward.

[middie]

I thank you for your advice and hugs......its just so difficult at the moment........my head is just going around and around with questions.......and no answers.....as the only person who could answer them ........won't contact me???

My mother and sister have said the same thing that he is a coward for not speaking to me and hiding away......my mother has told me to ask for financial support from him when the baby is born......however as he has not been to either of his jobs I think it doubtful that he would be able to support the baby financially. My sister has told me to let him come for his keys etc if he wants them, as when I fell backwards I hurt my lower back and should be resting.

When I first started a relationship with him he had only had the job for six months and had been unemployed for a long period before this........after six months in this job they finished him and he was unemployed again....myself and my family supported him and helped him to get employment with the two part time jobs he now has.

I just don't know whether he will want to be involved with the baby??? whether he will ever get in touch again??? Who he is staying with.....and why as he has his own flat???

I am trying to think practically now and prepare for the birth of our baby without him being involved as he has let me down and I cannot risk a repeat or rely on him at all now....I am very fortunate as I have close family who are able to support me....my children are older 16 and 21 and able to understand......I am just feeling humiliated and cannot tell my friends and work colleagues .....they have all been so pleased and excited for me and my family as they know that myself and my family have gone through some tough times over the past few years ....my mum had breast cancer and my dad passed away from cancer at the same time and I also went through a nasty divorce......they were all telling me that I deserved some happiness in my life......I am just trying to be strong now for the baby and my older girls.....and family.

[Angel of Bedlam]

I am sorry you are so broken up over this, especially at such an important time in your life. From my view (and experience with similar behavior before), I really think you need to separate from him. His behavior to me suggests foul play entirely and he shows no respect for you or the baby you're carrying- I am not sure if this is because of someone else or because of fatherhood jitters- it is unacceptable either way. If you want to make this work, I think a break is the best solution.

Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk

[IceCreamKid]

I suggest you make sure when the baby is born that he meet his financial obligations to support the baby he helped you to create.

You deserve better than your immature baby daddy for a romantic life partner; but since he is the baby's father, then he should have a part in the baby's life and it will likely be up to you to see to that. I would make sure everything is legal and on paper regarding custody, visitation, child support, etc.

You might also want to consider counseling for yourself. I think you were in transition after your long marriage and were not thinking clearly when you decided to have a baby with this man. Unfortunately, babies do not bring couples closer together for the most part, particularly if one or the other partner is immature and still in need of having his selfish desires met now, now, now regardless of the effect on others.

Start now to make a happy, healthy life for you, your new baby and your older children. When you are happy and healthy, decent men will see that. Hold out for a mature man--I don't mean old, I mean emotionally and intellectually mature.

You sound like a loving and giving person. You deserve the same in return from a life partner and the baby daddy guy should fulfill his parental obligations and that is it.

[bellakat18]

Hello, I read your post and I just want to say that you are truly a brave and courageous woman. If your partner chooses to continue to act this way, then let him move onto another path in his life. You're so much better than this and you should always go with your instincts. I'm not married, nor do I have children but if I did I would always do what's in the best interest of my children which is ensure a stable environment. I know you love your partner, want everything to work out like it was supposed to, and you need a sign of hope. The only hope I can give you is that you reach for the stars and always fight for what you believe it. If you believe that talking to him about this situation is a step to resolving the damage, then go for it.
Just remember that you're extraordinary, a great mother, and you have a good heart which isn't a lot of what others can claim to be.

Don't surrender tonight, but soar proud and strive to overcome this for you and more importantly your precious family.

Always a Friend is Out There,
K

Originally Posted by middie

would appreciate some advice........

I am 32 weeks pregnant with a planned pregnancy - 1st baby with new partner of two years - 3 previous children from 15yr marriage ended in divorce.

Last friday I went to pick up my partner from work to go out for some dinner - waited outside his work for him - didn't text him regarding plans, as I have done previously and he always has mobile switched off - my 16yr old daughter in the car with me - waited until he came from work and was walking with female colleague - walked past us and continued to walk with her across car park and out onto road to her parked car and then they get into her car. They do a u-turn and as she is driving past us he sees us and asks her to pull over.

I drive to where he normally parks his car and eventually he comes to the car. I ask him what is going on......he says he told me that she asked him to walk her to her car as she has been frightened walking alone.....he did about a week earlier in a passing conversation......I said to him you never told me that is was going to be a regular thing or that you get into her car. They were also planning a works night out on the saturday and I had offered to drive him to and pick him up after so that he could have a drink however he had said no that this female colleague would do that as she was passing that way.

I had also told him that two female colleagues that I worked with had caught their husbands online chatting to females and I had said that I felt it was dreadful....both had children and were prepared to risk all they had and was it really worth it. Their was no reply from him and he quickly changed the subject. The next day I had text him to ask if I could borrow his laptop to do some research for a friend.......when I looked at his laptop he had put a password protection on it (this coming from a guy who had to get my daughters to show him how to turn the laptop on a few weeks ago) and he waited until he got home from work and had cleared his browsing history before he text me his password number.

Anyway when he got into his car to drive away and I got hold of his mobile phone and asked to have a look at it..... he started to pull the mobile from my hands really hard....he was not letting me have his mobile ....no way.....so much so that when he got the phone out of my hands he had pushed against me and I had fell right back and hurt myself. I told him I was having tightenings and to give me the keys to the car and go. My 16yr old who had seen everything was shouting at him to get away from me and go.

When I got home I had a call from him I didn't answer, I was in shock with the fall and I received a text from him saying that it wasn't what I thought and that he was walking a colleague and that she was in fear of her safety and he loved me and had no designs on anyone else. The following day I had to go into hospital to get checked over as I had not felt the baby move. Later that day I text him to tell him that I had a scan baby was ok. Nothing from him. I text his parents later that day to ask if he was there.....he then called me from his parents saying that he has just switched on his mobile.

I asked him questions about everything and why he wouldn't just tell me the truth as to why he would not let me see his mobile? why he kept it switched off all the time and charged it in his car only? why he deleted his browsing history? why he lied about his colleague passing through so she could pick and drop him off, when she lived in the town where they worked and would have to come out of her way to do this?? He said that I should trust him....got angry and put the phone down. I text him that it was over between us as he could not be honest with me.....if he wanted to move on with me to come and speak face to face and tell me the truth and we could work at things.

He called me the next day and arranged that he would come over the following day before or after work and he would give me his mobile and I said he could take mine for the day so as he would have a mobile. He told me he loved me and our baby.

He never came and never made contact with me. It got to late wednesday evening and I text his parents that I had not heard from him.....they said they hadn't either since the sunday when he had told me he would come over the following day. His parents said they had no idea he was going to do this as they had offered to bring him over to mine anytime he wanted and he had promised to go to work the following day. I have since found out his hasn't been to either of his two jobs. I asked his parents if I should go over to his flat as I had a spare key, they said yes to check he was ok and hadn't done anything silly. I went over no sign of him. I called his parents and they said they would try contact him. I left a note in his flat to contact his parents to let them know he was ok. I text him to let me know that he was ok as I was worried sick.

The following day I received a text message from his parents saying he had been on contact with them and that he was staying with friends locally and would it be ok for his dad to collect his keys etc at a suitable time for me.

I was so angry, that I didn't respond to the text from them. I was deeply hurt that he felt was not coming over to pack his things himself and face me and that he was getting his father to do it. I text him that I loved him and wanted him to come and tell me the truth and we could work through things and work at being a family. I told him that if he wanted his dad to come over that afternoon then I would be in and would take it that he wanted out of the relationship and never contact him again.

It has now been four days and no contact from him. I am wondering whether to trust my gut instinct and he is with someone else and to move on??? He has never told me of any friends he could stay with locally??? We have had a falling out twice previously and he went to his flat overnight and we sorted things the next day.

I just don't understand and as he wont speak or make contact with me then I can't have any closure and begin to move on.......I am having to make arrangements for other people to be with me when I go into labour as he has gone and I am frightened about it all and facing it on my own??? His mobile is constantly switched off??

apologies for the long posting ...would appreciate any advice???

[middie]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

I suggest you make sure when the baby is born that he meet his financial obligations to support the baby he helped you to create.

You deserve better than your immature baby daddy for a romantic life partner; but since he is the baby's father, then he should have a part in the baby's life and it will likely be up to you to see to that. I would make sure everything is legal and on paper regarding custody, visitation, child support, etc.

You might also want to consider counseling for yourself. I think you were in transition after your long marriage and were not thinking clearly when you decided to have a baby with this man. Unfortunately, babies do not bring couples closer together for the most part, particularly if one or the other partner is immature and still in need of having his selfish desires met now, now, now regardless of the effect on others.

Start now to make a happy, healthy life for you, your new baby and your older children. When you are happy and healthy, decent men will see that. Hold out for a mature man--I don't mean old, I mean emotionally and intellectually mature.

You sound like a loving and giving person. You deserve the same in return from a life partner and the baby daddy guy should fulfill his parental obligations and that is it.

Thanks for your reply, I would always welcome the father of my baby to have an active part in our baby/child's life........It deeply upsets me to think that he will not make contact to see the baby or continue to have a relationship with the baby/child......I always thought he would make a great dad hence why I tried for a baby with him. It breaks my heart to think that he may never contact us again and I just don't know how to communicate with him....his mobile is constantly switched off and he is not living at his flat he has text his parents that he is staying with friends???

The only way of contacting him I would have is through his parents and I am reluctant to do this as I do not think it right to involve them. I have always has a good relationship with them and sent them scan pictures of the baby and they appeared excited and would welcome them having a relationship with their grandchild even if their son did not want.

I just do not understand what is happening with my partner, he has always seemed excited about the baby and appeared to be supportive etc and this is totally out of character for him.

I had noticed that he was on the internet a lot lately, switching his mobile off in the house and charging it in his car, wiping out his browsing history and then not letting me see his mobile that night.......I mean he really would not let me have his mobile.......even after this he contacted me saying he loved me and the baby....and like I say he arranged to come over and talk etc.......then nothing from him in over a week now. Except the text from his parents to say he was staying with friends.......I don't understand why he is staying with friends......who they are.....he has his own flat???

At this point in time I cannot ever see him contacting me again......I am angry ....I feel it is cowardly ......I can't run away and bury my head in the sand.....I wouldn't want to.....it is unfair to the child......and what do I say to the child as it is growing up and asking ....who is my daddy....where is my daddy......??? ...its horrible and I am angry that he is going to let our child grow up like that as he cannot be responsible enough or mature enough to meet the needs of his child.......x

[middie]

Had a scan today to check the growth of baby as I have gestational diabetes and have found out I am having a baby girl.......so sad that still no contact from her daddy.....so grateful for a healthy baby girl though x

[healingme4me]

Congratulations, glad your baby is gestating healthy


Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[middie]

Bad day today, have cleared all of my partner's things today as trying to move on and look to the future and accept that he isn't coming back.......have not heard from him in nearly two weeks now.........have been really upset tonight.......just so confused and left hanging with no closure and no answers to my questions like who he is staying with???.....why no contact with me??? when the last thing he said to me on the telephone was that he loved me and cared for our baby and that he was going to come down the following day and talk to me.......then nothing....I can't believe that he would behave like this......its totally out of character .....as was knocking me over when I asked to look at his mobile.

It just seems so strange that his behaviour could change so quickly into someone I thought I knew so well into the behaviour of a total stranger???

My family are tellling me to try and block all this out and look to the future and not think about it all.....I know they are saying this to help me.....its just so difficult to do.......does anyone understand his behaviour????

[hannabee]

oh i'm so sorry this is happening to you. If it were me, I would be on the phone to his parents to see what's going on. They must have some info and this IS their grandchild. It's all very confusing???? I cant imagine that some internet fling is causing this..but who knows? good luck and prayers being sent your way.

[hannabee]

I just read this and thought of you!

Once in awhile, I re-tell the story of the scorpion and the frog. If you don't know it, it goes something like this: Once there was a scorpion on the side of a river bank, and it called out to a passing frog, "Excuse me, could you please give me a lift across the river? I can't swim, and I'm meeting a friend in 20 minutes." The frog looked at the scorpion like it was crazy and replied, "I'm not giving you a ride! Do you take me for an idiot? You're a scorpion, you'll sting me." And the scorpion said, "If I sting you, you'll drown, and we'll both die. Please, I'm going to be late." So the frog thought this logic made sense, and he didn't like the thought of making the scorpion late, so he said, "Okay, climb on." Halfway across the river, the scorpion stung the frog. With his dying breath, the frog said, "Why? Why have you done this to us?!" And the scorpion said, "Dude, I'm a f&cking scorpion."

This tale has always helped me when I've felt stung and confused by another person's actions. When I've felt hurt or betrayed or discarded or rejected. None of these things feels good, and it's very challenging not to take it personally if we're hurting at the hands of someone we care about. If you're feeling rejected, it's natural to think it must be because you didn't measure up in some way. Depending on your history and your personality, you might really internalize the experience. If you have doubt about your self-worth, if you think there could be something at your very core that is just not lovable, having someone leave you or abuse you or ignore you might look like a confirmation of your own doubts and fears.

But most of the time, it has very little to do with you. Sometimes you've simply gotten involved with a scorpion. People can only be where they are, y'know? A person has the tools they have. That doesn't mean they might not pick up some new tools as they head down the river; a scorpion has the potential to turn into a frog if it works at it. But if you happen to cross paths with someone when they're in darkness, you're probably going to get stung. It's personal only in the sense that you'll now have healing to do. But it's not a reflection of your lovableness. You are love. You're made of love, I truly believe that.

If you've been stung, there's only one thing for it--you're going to have to bleed out the poison. The fastest way to do that is to lean into the searing pain of what you're feeling. Instead of running or denying or repressing, you simply say, "This is how it is right now, and it will not always be like this, and it will not kill me." And you breathe. You hang out with other frogs who love you, and who will take you to the river and help you see your reflection clearly so you can remember how special you are.

I know sometimes it can feel like you'll never get over someone. I don't just mean this in terms of romantic relationships. This happens in families, and it happens with the closest of friends, too. Sometimes the only way you can take care of yourself, the only way you can love yourself, is if you create distance between you and the people in your life who just don't know how to love. Maybe at some point they will know. You don't have to be hopeless about it. But until that time, your job is to keep your heart open, and you simply can't do that if you keep allowing people to sting you. Your heart can only take so much before it starts to close in on itself. And that's just too sad. Your heart is so gorgeous. You are the only one of you that exists, the only one of you the world gets. You're a gift, and if you allow yourself to drown in the river of sorrow, you rob the world of a gift only you can bring. Hop up on your lily pad and feel the sun on your little froggy face. Wish the scorpions well if you have it in you, but don't carry them across the river anymore, and don't mistake the intensity of your feelings of pain as a reflection of the depth of your love. It's much more likely that scorpion reminded you of another scorpion you knew a long time ago, when you were just a tadpole. Heal that sting, and the scorpions won't look so appealing. Sending you love. Ally Hamilton

[Open Eyes]

I don't know why, but this is around the time when certain men get "fearful and run" somehow. It's around the 7th to 9th month of pregnancy. I think they are terrified and once the baby comes they will not be the "main attraction anymore" too.

This is not your fault either, this is all "his problem". You actually gave him a lot of attention, nurturing even, and helped him find work too. He was not ready for this kind of commitment, he is not grown up enough. Even if he is with someone else? it is probably another "mommy type person", and if he isn't working then he is being "cared for" again.

That's my guess.

I am very sorry this happened to you, unfortunately this does happen "way too often".

(((Hugs)))
OE

[middie]

Thank you so much for that hannabee.....I laughed and cried reading it......it made so much sense......xx

[middie]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I don't know why, but this is around the time when certain men get "fearful and run" somehow. It's around the 7th to 9th month of pregnancy. I think they are terrified and once the baby comes they will not be the "main attraction anymore" too.

This is not your fault either, this is all "his problem". You actually gave him a lot of attention, nurturing even, and helped him find work too. He was not ready for this kind of commitment, he is not grown up enough. Even if he is with someone else? it is probably another "mommy type person", and if he isn't working then he is being "cared for" again.

That's my guess.

I am very sorry this happened to you, unfortunately this does happen "way too often".

(((Hugs)))
OE

Thank you for your reply......I feel you have hit the nail on the head........it makes total sense to me and just about sums him up completely......thank you once again....xx

[hannabee]

You are welcome! Take good care of you and that wonderful gift you are carrying...when she comes you will be soooo happy, I just know it! and you will find someone who will appreciate you.

I wish I had some magical words of wisdom or support.... I do not. I wish you all the best in the world. Sincerely I do. AND - I remind you that there is nothing in this world - absolutely NOTHING that is more beautiful than a lady who is expecting.

*hugs to you. (Hugs of jealousy)

[middie]

Originally Posted by hannabee

oh i'm so sorry this is happening to you. If it were me, I would be on the phone to his parents to see what's going on. They must have some info and this IS their grandchild. It's all very confusing???? I cant imagine that some internet fling is causing this..but who knows? good luck and prayers being sent your way.

I contacted his parents today........spoke to his dad....the first thing he asked was how I got on with my scan....I explained that the baby's growth was good and that I was contacting them as I could not get hold of my their son to let him know about the scan and that I had found out the sex of the baby.

I apologised for contacting them, his father said you must contact us anytime you want.....I explained that their son's mobile was constantly switched off and that I had text him and he had not replied and called and phone was off. His father said that the phone was switched off and that his son was very poorly.......he was knocked sideways by what had happened and was staying with friends......they hadn't seen him since he had contacted them last week......however they were expecting to see him sometime over the weekend.........by poorly they mean depressed.

I explained that I didn't know if they wanted to be kept up to date about the baby and scans etc and his father said yes of course they did and I said that I didn't know whether their son did and I had no other way of contacting him apart from through them and his father said that he thought his son would want to be kept informed and that he would pass on the message when they had contact with him this weekend.

I also explained that I had thought their son was coming to see me last Monday as he had arranged it on sunday evening when he had called me from their home and that he had not arrived and I had spoken with his wife and gone to the flat on wednesday as I had been really concerned, as had his mother, and his father said that he was not aware that his son had made any arrangements to come and talk to me.

His father said that he hoped his son and I could work things out and we could be as we were before. He and his wife did not wish to come in between us both. I repeated that I did not wish to contact them but I had as I could not contact their son and he repeated that I should contact them any time I wanted. They wanted me to call them anytime. I said that if their son wanted to call me, even if he didn't want to speak about us, but just wanted to be updated about the baby then I would leave it to him to decide. He thanked me and said that he was sure that his son would want that and he would speak with him.

I can do no more now......my family are still angry......I was too if I am honest ......I understand he may feel depressed and want to stay at friends so that he doesn't have to face things and come and sort things with me, however he could have contacted me to see if the baby was ok ......at some point in his life he will become a father and have to learn to put his child first.......is it that I am already a mother and have learn't this??? I could quite easily be consumed with everything......I am having panic attacks at facing things on my own and thinking that he is with another woman and may not make any contact with me whatsoever.........however, I cannot let it take over me as I have to function for the sake of my other children and that of my unborn baby......am I being so unempathetic???? sympathetic??? that I do not understand what he is going through??? I did not tell his family this and they seemed oblivious to the fact that I would be feeling this way. His father just said that his son was poorly and very sensitive.

I still have nagging feelings that he is with someone else??? these have been compounded by him not coming with his mobile and to talk on the monday .....I feel he is never going to make contact with me as it is easier for him not to and he will never answer my questions.......would appreciate any thoughts........as I am so confused with everything.....x

[Open Eyes]

((middie)),

When I was nearing 9 months pregnant my husband got really strange and one night he never came home. I was a wreck because he had been out all night drinking and was even with another woman, but I was not to find that out until "years" later.

My husbands reply now is "I was just a jerk" and he gets angry about how badly he had treated me, how selfish he was back then.

I think men "panic" and don't even know "why" themselves, can't even verbalize it, but just are afraid.

I think that it is important that you focus on taking care of yourself right now so the rest of your pregnancy goes well. Play calm music and distract yourself so you don't fill up with cortisol from stressing so much. Right now, be a good mother which means "get rest, don't stress about what your bf is thinking or doing, and focus on "yourself and your health and this little girl coming into your life". Stay in the moment and try not to project and ask what you are going to do in the future, that is not important right now, what is most important is that you take care of you and your baby. Try to put the bf issues on a shelf in your mind and don't try to figure out what "he" is thinking and doing, he has to think about this and sort it all out and most likely will not even be able to verbalize how he feels either.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[middie]

Originally Posted by hannabee

oh i'm so sorry this is happening to you. If it were me, I would be on the phone to his parents to see what's going on. They must have some info and this IS their grandchild. It's all very confusing???? I cant imagine that some internet fling is causing this..but who knows? good luck and prayers being sent your way.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

((middie)),

When I was nearing 9 months pregnant my husband got really strange and one night he never came home. I was a wreck because he had been out all night drinking and was even with another woman, but I was not to find that out until "years" later.

My husbands reply now is "I was just a jerk" and he gets angry about how badly he had treated me, how selfish he was back then.


I think men "panic" and don't even know "why" themselves, can't even verbalize it, but just are afraid.

I think that it is important that you focus on taking care of yourself right now so the rest of your pregnancy goes well. Play calm music and distract yourself so you don't fill up with cortisol from stressing so much. Right now, be a good mother which means "get rest, don't stress about what your bf is thinking or doing, and focus on "yourself and your health and this little girl coming into your life". Stay in the moment and try not to project and ask what you are going to do in the future, that is not important right now, what is most important is that you take care of you and your baby. Try to put the bf issues on a shelf in your mind and don't try to figure out what "he" is thinking and doing, he has to think about this and sort it all out and most likely will not even be able to verbalize how he feels either.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

Thanks open eyes........how did you cope finding out your husband was with another woman.....did he cheat on you....or he was just out getting drunk with a woman???

I really and truely think that he is not giving me or the baby a second thought as he is so consumed with his own feelings. My gut feeling is that he is with another woman and has cheated already.......and that he is where he wants to be .......I have let him go now to live the life he wants to live......x

[Jan1212]

I'm sorry this is happening, an expectant woman should not be abandoned by her partner. My husband's behavior changed and his reason was stress. But, there is no excuse to treat a partner like this, ever. The feeling of loneliness is painful... but, you shouldnt' have to take care of him, or even think about him, but I know it can be tough. Don't waste your energy on this jerk. Did you get sonogram pictures? Soo glad that you have family that support you that is a blessing and your children too

Congratulations on baby girl!!!!! Team pink

[hannabee]

I'm glad you decided to call his parents and they sound like they will be supportive of you and the baby. For now, just try to be calm and decide that the most important next thing is having your daughter. I think he will come around, sooner rather than later, and he will want to see the baby. He may just be scared right now. I predict he'll want back into your life and you need to be clear on how he is going to act from now on!! If you decide you want him back, then no more bulls**t...period EVER! Hugs to you and go have some ice cream!

[eskielover]

Some men make very poor choices in their lives & just don't know how to make wise choices.....the guy I married....I saw his poor choices before I got married & I wanted to call off the wedding....but my mother thought he was such a nice guy.....she ended up talking me into going ahead with the wedding.......the problem....the fighting went on because the things I didn't like before the wedding I didn't like after the wedding & throughout the marriage......it got really bad after I didn't have my career to hide away from him in after getting my degree. By that point I ended up trapped in the marriage & when depression hit, the anger from the bad marriage all came together & put me in a very bad place I didn't totally understand at the time.

I was finally able to excape the marriage after my mother died & I ended up with the inheritance.....I used it all to leave him.....33 years of wasted time even though we did have a daughter in the marriage.

I gave my H a chance to make the changes necessary to have a successful marriage.....but his choice was to believe that it was his personality & personalities can't be changed which after doing DBT....it nothing but BS....all personalities can be changed if the person wants to bad enough.

I'm guessing that even if he wants to come back & even if he's a nice guy like my stbxh was.....that there are serious personality issues that exist that will end up causing you to end up with major fighting going on if you do end up getting back together. I drew the lines that I would accept before we got married....but the damage that he had already done only made me fight against him continuously through the marriage because there was so much I really didn't like & wasn't willing to put up with....living in a marriage like that with a relationship like that was just pure hell. I realized that the damage that was done before we ever got married was something I couldn't let go of when we were married because he never changed or grew up.....even though he was wonderful with our daughter & took care of her because that was one thing I never wanted was children........our differences were just too great to ever recover from.

If he does come back to you....you need to do a lot of analysis & to start with, figure out just how much damage this has really done to your relationship in the overall long run attitude toward him....sometimes it's irrecoverable & even if he were to come back with all the nice promises......there can still be serious personality issues that exist that are a permanent part of him.

Wishing you the best for this.....& just make sure you focus on your baby & your life & really look at the big picture before making any major decisions when dealing with him in the future.

[middie]

well, the weekend has passed now and I have heard nothing from my partner or his parents...........all I can do now is take their silence to mean that he wants nothing to do with me now.....he has closed all contact via phone and not staying at his flat means....he has closed contact there too.......and his parent were seeing him over the weekend and silence again.......I feel stupid and embarrassed and humiliated......I have to move on now.....my gut instinct that he was not going to contact me has come true.....I feel he will never make any form of contact....I give up as to why???......I cannot spend the rest of my life waiting for any form of contact and constantly trying to think why....why....why???

am in despair tonight.....its an emotional roll-a-coaster....any ideas??? x