My wife is no longer attracted to me

My wife says that for the last 2-3 years she has not been attracted to me sexually. She says that other guys still are attractive to her and that sex with me is weird now. That she loves me as a brother or best friend rather than a husband. We have been married for 6 months and together for 4 years and she just now shares this with me. Communication has always been a slight struggle but we got through it. Idk if we'll get through this. We spent all night in a hotel to remove stress from the equation and to talk. She said sex is not painful it's not a performance issue it's attraction. She also stated that the smallest little things I do can annoy and bother her. We both knew there were issues but they were minor until now, nothing to fret about. We discussed going to the doc for hormone and chemical tests, and talking to a councilor is there anything else to try to do?

Hi Twisted, I'm really sorry you've had to/you're going through this it's has to really hurt to be told something like that. I've got to say that your wife seems to have been really insensitive/disrespectful not to have discussed this openly with you a long time ago, but of course I don't know the whole story.
Regardless make sure you take the time to fully absorb this and decide whether you want to continue working on this with her. If you're going to decide on working through it, make sure that it's as much about you wanting to as opposed to feeling you need the relationship or the fear of loosing what you had (or the thought of what you had?).
So really important to let out your thoughts and your feelings and continue to talk about things. Although do you think a little space from her might help as well in you "getting your thoughts together"? And decide................?
You're right it probably would/will be really tough to get through something like this, as she's kept it to herself so long and it certainly wouldn't be your fault if things don't work out!!
But if you come to the decision that you want to carry on (I'd say walk away!! but you know the situation much better than me) then it may be possible to gradually put things back together. Skipping the doc, talking to a marriage counselor sounds like a great way to go way.
There may be backtracking over things that you've felt were OK in the marriage which may be really painful but there really needs to be a new approach to communication in the marriage, identifying and talking about problems/issues and finding a way to work together (non-judgmentally) towards finding solutions you're both happy/content with. A lot of listening, a lot of understanding, a lot of talking.
You're going to find a lot of stories out there on the web, and you might find some approaches useful, but just remember to do what's right for you, and if you continue with the marriage maybe find some ideas which are right for both of you. Every relationship is going to be different so solutions aren't always going to be a "one size fits all".
It might help exploring how things were before the relationship changed in her eyes though, and trying to bring back some of that spark, as well as figuring what went wrong and why. Can you retrace and re-enact some of the things that were really significant between you two back then? Bring back some of those shared memories, and the memory of how much you loved each other then? The things you loved so much about each other, which are probably still there deep down.
Things might not ever be the same again, but it is possible that this could make you both even stronger. And you will have shared/experienced a lot with each other in the time you've been together, that has to count for something.
Anyway, if you decide not to continue with this, or it doesn't work out, make sure that you don't "carry all the blame". Sure if there are any lessons to be learned from this you can take on to another relationship, absolutely do that. But this sounds like a two-way thing here, so it is just as much about her as opposed to you having done/been everything wrong.
And that's me being diplomatic and trying not to say what the **** was she doing by not communicating and talking about the issues and trying to resolve them before now!!
Alison

hate to break it to you this way but you need to get away from her! Divorce her, attraction will never come back. I hope you are young, 20's, 30;s, find someone else.

Uh, yeah. This is going to be really hard to overcome without outside help. I know that attraction within a long term relationship can go up & down, but the things she's saying sound pretty harsh.
Is she saying she doesn't want to stay married and be your pal now? The physical part of a marriage is a huge component so, please get counseling alone and together so you can work this out.
Best to you ~

For your wife to tell you that she lost sexual interest in you 3 years ago, but was willing to marry you 6 months ago, strikes me as saying something not very nice about her character. She's making it sound like she is doing you a favor by being with you. You sound like you are very concerned with her happiness. Maybe too much so. I would suggest you hanging back quite a bit. Show less interest. Play hard to get. She may need to be challenged. If she sees that getting your attention is something she has to struggle for a little (at least,) she may value you more. It's just a hunch I have, but I don't think you have much to lose by testing it out.

My guess is the more you jump through hoops trying to win her favor, the more unimpressed she is going to act. I don't know why so many women do this to men, but it seems to be a not very rare syndrome. And the men always seem to be such nice guys. For reasons that no one has quite figured out, women tend to be more sexually excited by guys who are not too overly nice. It's not politically correct to say this, but I do think women feel more secure with a man who dominates them at least a bit. I also believe that appearance is not the main factor in making a person of either gender come across as sexy. My impression is that deep down inside, men love to be mothered. Women, on the other hand, love to be confidently "led." As Nietzsche said, "When you go to woman, take a whip."

I hesitate to respond definitively because although it may seem like a sudden thing on the surface to you, rarely does someone suddenly stop being attracted to their partner. I realize that it may not be apparent to you but these things you say you called "minor" may not have been minor in the first place. So I am compelled to urge you to look deeper into this and figure out what it is that has been happening probably for a long time.

That does not excuse the fact that she's suddenly JUST NOW telling you that she's not attracted to you. Telling you that it's not "performance" and adding to that that she is attracted to other males is really quite simply a slap in the face.

I don't know what your intentions are with the marriage but at the very least if you want to figure it out before throwing in the towel, get counseling. That is, if she's willing to do so, but at this point, I don't think she'll likely want to... since she clearly sees no fault on her part.

Hi and thanks for the advice, this certainly isn't an easy situation. We have discussed it and decided to try a councilor.
I can't get upset about her telling me other guys are attractive, I did ask.
She says that she felt the spark would return after we got married but it hasn't so far. We recently began house hunting and that got her thinking if she isn't happy now and hasn't been since college y would a house change it.

I will try being hard to get, she has always said it bothers her that her family takes my side in most situations including this one. That being said she has told me n numerous family members n a doctor that I'm perfect.? Perhaps a challenge would b appropriate, if I'm perfect I'd understand why she is willing to try and work this out.
While my first thought was to take her hurtful yet honest and important words as an insult and split I know now through much discussion that this bothers her nearly as much as me. I'm continually told that her love for me is strong but she isn't sure if its as a brother or a husband.
This is no doubt going to b a long and hard road to travel and I have very little confidence that a councilor will b able to fix this, the only reason I chose to try is a gut feeling. Seeing her tears and hearing the pain in her voice leads me to believe she cares still. She apologizes daily for putting me through this and She has told me she doesn't want to lose me because I truly am her best friend but that she doesn't think its fair to either of us to live unhappy.

I hope that this is enough info that you fine folks can help some more the advice has been read and I tried to answer as many questions and reply to as many comments as I could remember. I hope this sheds a little light on things and yes we r both 24, we met in college 3.5-4 yrs ago where engaged just before 2.5 yrs and married oct. 12, 2013.

Although this probably should, it has not hurt my confidence and I know that there will be other women for me if this does not work out. As well as men for her.

My plan for now is to be slightly less cooperative and helpful to spend a little time away and to "play hard to get"/give her a challenge and be more dominant as this thought had crossed my mind already. We will see a councilor and continue to work at it until we reach a decision. I look forward to reading your input over the next couple days and thanks for putting the time and effort into reading and writing on this it's much appreciated.

Hi Twisted. You and your wife are at such a young age to feel this demoralized. I'm so sorry. The counseling might help you both to find what is at the root of the problem. I think your wife has some kind of problem that she is not facing. Maybe she did marry you just out of fear of being alone. There has got to be a reason why her family tend to side with you. They must see something wrong in her outlook that she does not recognize. As young as you both are, it's unlikely that there is anything wrong with your hormones. I hope the counseling helps.

Just realize you didn't do anything majorly wrong. Try not to beat yourself up for any of the little things. If you find yourself having negative thoughts over and over again, just remind yourself that you deserve to have mental peace.

Just do again what you have done during your bf/gf stage

It's good that you're both trying to work on this and workign on counseling but... I must respond to this. First off, the "i know there will be other women for me..." Get this out of your head. Either you're in the marriage and 100% given to her or you should get out. Any thoughts and protective logical thinking related to 'well if this doesn't work out.." will only serve to sabatoge your efforts, trust me. Don't be reserved in this, be fully given to getting to the root of the problem and being entirely committed or it's doomed to fail. You're already in the marriage now. At such point as you're sure you won't get her full commitment, then cross that bridge, for now, give your all to this.

Hi Twisted. I hope today brings some ray of hope into the picture for you. Maybe the counseling will help. It is mainly your wife who needs help. I think one thing she needs is for someone to tell her that she has to make up her mind to either commit to the marriage or let go of you. She has the security that your love gives her, while she withholds the love that you need. This is terribly unfair. This is not a way for a young women of 24 to act, unless she is pretty disturbed mentally on some level. It sounds like she thinks she is missing out on some ideal life that probably doesn't exist for anyone. Do what you can with the counseling, and maybe have her get evaluated for depression. Her problem may be not really about her relationship with you, but about something else. She may just be projecting everything on to you. Unhappy people tend to look for someone to blame. I say that as a depressed woman, myself. I tend to be blaming of my S/O when it is really a problem in my own mind. But I recognize that and I tell him that. It gets tempting, especially for women, to think that if only some fantasy man would come into her life, then she would feel great. She says she is attracted to other men, but what she is really attracted to is the way she imagines these men to be - ideal with magical powers to lift her spirits for her. That's something she is going to have to learn better to do for herself. You have a very good heart to be as kind to her as you are and not be reacting with a lot of anger. Many men would.

I think you might be on the right track by maybe not catering to her too much. She has to take some responsibility for her own happiness. You can't deliver it to her on a silver platter. Hang back a bit and let her have to come to you for closeness. She is taking you for granted, when she is really very lucky to have you. Does she work? Does she expend her energies in any positive direction? Or is she lazing around wishing she were in some better place that exists in her dreams. Maybe she has too much time on her hands. That is just a hunch, and I may be way off. I hope things improve, but they may get worse before they get better. Let us know how it's going.

Thanks again for such enlightenment. She did see the doctor about chemical and hormone imbalances to no avail. She was prescribed a birth control by our mutual agreement to prevent involving kids in this. She was also given a low dose of a pill to clear her head and help her focus, idk what that pill is exactly.

Not much has changed from last night but I feel obligated to work at this and your words are not hurting things. Much appreciated in fact.

She stills seems dedicated to working on this but I feel I know her well and I have gotten a vibe that makes me feel like she is anticipating the councilor to have no positive affect on our relationship. This makes me want out now but I have trouble giving up so easily.

I do plan to remain somewhat distant to make her realize that she has to desire my comfort before I offer it.

She does have a job with the federal govt that she went to college for. In this position she works 40 hrs a week and has a considerable amount of control over what is approved or not. It's largely stressful and very logical and analytical.

After college we moved to the northern part of our state 3.5 hrs away from both families for her job. I put my career goals on hold to allow her to grow in her job. When we got the news we were moving back home we made plans to live with my brother in law and his wife and two kids. This too was stressful as the kids like me better and my wife and her sister in law dont see eye to eye very often. Now that this has been brought up we r renting an apt. and plan to see a councilor still. I have given a lot to this relationship in terms of large sacrifices to do what I thought was right all this time. Now it seems much of this May have been for nothing.

I know I'm supposed to be 100% committed to this but I'm not certain that I'll be able to swallow this situation and the words spoken even if there is a solution where we remain married, that's when I'll be asking for a different kind of advice from you great folks.

I did ask if she had ever had a better romantic/emotional/sexual attraction/connection with a past s/o only to find out her abusive boyfriend was the best r/e/s attraction/connection to date. Perhaps that speaks volumes as to how she has a subconscious desire to be dominated? She is still unwilling to discuss sex with me and continues to say that talking about it thinking about it and doing it with me weird her out.

Do I sit her down and force her to talk about it?

She still claims there is much soul searching and self discovery to be done on her part, as she put it "I have to be happy with me before I can be happy with someone" I wish I could underline "someone". Not sure what she means by that.

I do want this to work as of now but I have a hard time believing there's hope and I refuse to get my hopes up and get hurt like this in a couple months. Thats the length of time we decided to "try".

You seem to be handling this very responsibly. The birth control pills are a great idea and may prevent you two from getting into a mess that you might never quite get out of. Make sure she takes them, especially since depressed people tend to forget stuff like that. You don't deserve the horrible dilemma of expecting a child with a woman who has one foot out the door.

Though she may well be depressed, my guess now is that, somewhere along the line, she got addicted to a lifestyle with a hefty component of drama. I suspect that's the bigger problem. She misses the fireworks she had being with the abusive boyfriend. Compared to him, you are dullsville . . . and not much you can do about that. This little lady of yours has some serious immaturity, but it's the kind that's become hard-wired in.

You've done an excellent job of tracking this down, and I congratulate you on your ability to get to the bottom of things. You are quite a clear thinker. Unfortunately, this may be a way harder thing to surmount.

Consciously, or not, she may have been trying to provoke you with hurtful stuff to see if she could get back some of the "storminess" she misses. Sure, you could start blowing up. You might even find that she responds well to getting smacked now and then. But that is not who you are. I doubt you could sustain that kind of melodrama because you don't seem to need it. You seem to be a very grounded person interested in collaborating with a committed partner to put up with the daily grind it takes to build a solid life. You want to treat someone decent and fair and get that back in return. Oh, how conventional! It's not a boring way to live to someone who shares your goals and has your realistic understanding of what goes into making a good life. But it is to her. That, my friend, is a tough situation to alter. That "low dose pill to clear her head" isn't going to do a blessed thing. She likes "Sturm und Drang." To feel alive, she needs to experience emotional extremes.

In fairness to her, she is undoubtedly the product of her history that goes back to even before the abusive ex. She didn't really choose to be this way, and she may have no capacity to choose to be different. Unfortunately, no one else can choose different on her behalf. I don't think she can be counseled out of this, anymore than you can counsel someone into changing their sexual orientation from gay to straight, or vice versa. This is a form of sexual orientation. That's why I say it has gotten hard-wired in. You'll find no shortage of mental health professionals who'll disagree with me, and I think you love her enough to want to try. You probably need to, and you could get lucky. She had the sense to marry you, rather than some abusive guy. Part of her doesn't want to be self-destructive. But she is conditioned to respond to perverse stimulation, and she misses being turned on. Her dilemma is very sad.

You are amazingly clear headed and realistic about what you are facing. If she can't help herself, you have every right to not let her destroy your happiness along with her own. Her destiny may be to end up back with a guy like her ex, and you will be sorry for her. That may be the most you can do for her.

Believe it or not, this is an old story in the annals of human relationships. There is a famous, old movie called Of Human Bondage, starring Bette Davis. It's from 1934, and that may be a style of movie that your generation finds too strange and old-fashioned to watch. I'll put a link below to just a short clip of it. It's not your story exactly, but the guy is good, decent and fair, and his girlfriend is bored with him. She is attracted to men who use her. They break up. He goes on to have a good life, while she ends up on the street. In the end, he is a doctor and he finds her dying of Tuberculosis. It might be interesting for your wife and you to watch the whole thing together . . . or not. Even just watching the clip might be a way of starting a conversation.

Twisted,

I am sorry that you are in this situation. Much like you, I also have found myself in the situation where, after 17+ years of marriage, my wife says that she's not attracted to me physically and hasn't been for a long time. She says that I have never been romantic and that the only way we are ever going to be intimate again is if I learn to be romantic.
As a guy, I can't stop from wondering why has she gone so long without saying anything, or accepting the status quo. Then to imply that she wants to stay together, but without any of the intimate bits, is beyond my limited male comprehension.
We've gone to see a marriage counselor, and after she attended two sessions, she won't go back. She said that she's explained what I need to do to bring us back together, now I have to figure it out.
I've read many blogs/forums from men where their spouses have just stopped being intimate and have gone years without love or sex. Many of them can live with it, some can't. Some masturbate, some cheat, some explore their gay side.
I believe wholeheartedly that you should work to find common ground to keep the relationship alive. But I also believe that you should set some goals and milestones for healing the relationship. This is purely my opinion and probably reflects my situation more than yours, but don't wait too long in a relationship that is not equal and fair, and that doesn't meets your romantic/emotional/sexual needs. After 17+ years of marriage, it is really hard to give up the familial/financial/friendship parts of the relationship, but I personally am not having my romantical/emotional/sexual needs met, which by my spouse's statements are my fault for not being a "man". I am currently struggling as to whether to give up what I have and pursue a new life. I'm bisexual, and I've thought long and hard about the fact I probably don't "get" woman. Maybe it's worth pursuing a homosexual relationship, and trying to get it right with another guy...
My point is don't wait until you've invested so much of yourself in a limited relationship, that you can't leave it.

This is definitely an issue that should be dealt with in couples counseling.

I disagree that once someone stops being attracted that they can't get it back. In fact, its normal for married couples to get bored and uninspired. You need to change things up, have some fun and learn how to communicate for the not so fun.

I would agree if the attraction had been lost for a few short months but it's been 2-3 years she claims.

So far the playing hard to get hasn't worked, I guess if there's no attraction there's no desire there's nothing to "get".

As for mixing it up, I'd entertain this idea, however, she says sex with me is weird and almost like doing it with her brother. (Idk how she knows that feeling lol) she also isn't willing to discuss sex and therefor makes that a very difficult subject to reach an agreement on.

I've come to realize as long as she is not willing to discuss sex with me and until she has more answers that don't include the words "I don't know" this is going to be a very difficult issue to get through. I've come to terms with it as of now I feel like there's nothing I can do but "sit on the bench and watch the game". At least until we get to the councilor.

I plan to ask the councilor what a separation period would do for our relationship among other things:
-Did my laid back personality contribute to this?
(I never ever get worked up or jealous and perhaps that persuaded her to subconsciously bond with me more as a brother or a friend)
-are these issues, issues that are commonly fixed?
-how do I forgive/forget the things she said if we can work this out
-will these issues likely reoccur if we stay together
-could this be the result of living isolated from friends and family for two years and being the only source of companionship for one another (we did things as friends and as husband and wife)
-is this likely the result of me/my personality being too boring since I don't "do" drama? ((I have never in my life been in a fight, I was stopped by some friends in a locker room and my cousin a couple other times) I only say this to make the point that I'm not a ***** that lets people walk on me possibly causing this issue through lack of masculinity)
-have we simply grown apart and married too young and as we matured our personalities changed to create two incompatible people?

I have my doubts that she is committed as she continues to remind me that she feels counciling will not be effective. The thought has crossed my mind that perhaps I was used to get through a time when she knew for a fact that she was going to struggle and stayed quiet for fear of me walking out and leaving her isolated from friends and family alone, although I can't see why she would have entertained the idea if purchasing a house, we went as far as getting pre-approved. Another ponderous thought that crossed my mind is, perhaps she is only "trying" for 2 months to make it look good, she has always had a concern for what others thought as well as a need for companionship. Me on the other hand I could live on a mountain and see no one for months at a time and not care about what I look like. I do a good job of keeping my appearance up for her, when I delivered farm equipment I was asked/given phone numbers half a dozen times in 14 months.

All in all I know is I can't let this weigh on me too heavily, as it stands right now I can't fix it on my own. I seriously doubt that I'll be able to fix it at all with the body language and things she is saying. However, I am still hoping for the best and preparing/expecting the worst.

I certainly appreciate your time and thoughts as this is a very tough time. Your compliments are motivating and your advice sound. Your words have opened my mind and allowed me to think and speculate many different angles of this situation. While I doubt I can find a solution this has been a learning experience. Once again thank you. I'll keep posting as things arise in hopes that someone will continue to offer diverse views to keep my mind from getting tunnel vision.

I think the most revealing thing you've said is that your wife cites her abusive ex as the man she found most attractive, in a non-brotherly sort of way. There is a world of difference between being confidently assertive and being a true bully. Women tend to be attracted to men who are genuinely funny because that trait reveals self-confidence. When mentally healthy women say a guy is boring, they usually are talking about a man who can't make them laugh. To be really bullied by a man, though, is usually considered by women to be an unpardonable betrayal of trust. It's not attractive to most of us.

There are some women, though, who are plenty attractive enough to get any kind of a man that they want, yet they will tend to gravitate toward the most aggressive man around them, and they will do it over and over again. I heard one young woman I knew, who was living with an regular thug, say, "I like it that other men are afraid of my boyfriend. It makes me feel safe." Meanwhile she was getting smacked in the head every second week by this guy. And she was beautiful.

Some of these women associate angry aggression with being an "alpha" male. It's not politically correct to say this, but some women are drawn to that. Nowadays, we are not supposed to blame women who get abused for being a party to their own abuse. I don't know how else to analyze it. There are women who get trapped in a situation that they don't have any good way out of. But there are women who put themselves in situations that they don't have to be in. For your wife to be thinking fondly about how cool this ex of her's was makes me think she's in that second group. She is still very young at age 24. She was even younger when she was with him. Maybe she didn't get hurt badly enough for this "drama" to lose it's appeal. It sounds like she has no good idea what the heck she wants, and I don't know what you do with someone like that.

I need some more advice. We decided to go out with some friends last night to see how it would go. The majority of the night was fine. When everyone decided to go home one of the new members of the group came back to our place and we talked. He is a tattoo artist and my wife wants a tattoo badly. Idk y she hasn't got one yet but he offered to do it for free. As she showed him where she wanted it and he explained things I noticed she changed the way she carried herself. I believe that had I not been there they would have had sex. Perhaps this is a result of being hurt and confused but throughout the night I experienced jealousy; I've never been jealous of her talking with other men. I'd imagine prior to this situation I was completely comfortable and trusted her completely. Now that's I've been ripped apart from the inside out I am not comfortable with that and I feel like I can't trust her now. We spent most of today moving into an apartment and that has gone well unless I try to discuss my feelings about our relationship and last night at which point she locks up and gets angry. At this point I feel like she has given up and has calculated it in her head (a rarity as she is normally so emotionally driven that she doesn't think clearly enough to conjure up this elaborate plan) to have me help her move into and get situated and comfortable in an apt before we split. Perhaps I'm so confused that I am just paranoid right now? Another complaint I have is that 90% of her answers to my queries are I don't know or so short that its obvious she is agitated and annoyed. We see a councilor on Monday but I'm terrified we are through and my job location leaves me here around her family with literally no one else except a guy I started working with 4 weeks ago. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have no clue what to do or where to go. I have to practically beg for her attention, she is so obsessed with her phone currently and refuses to let me see it as she claims she is talking to her girl friends and doesn't want me to see their conversations. I get that I'd be annoyed too. However I don't want to see them for dirt or for the benefit of being nosey, I feel there could be answers on there to many of the questions I'm asking that could help me to make a decision. At this point as you can probably tell from the lack of organization and sentence structure in this post I'm lost ,frustrated, horny and don't have a clue where to go from here

I'm sorry, Twisted, for the distress you are feeling. It sounds like you are getting in rough shape.

Going through her phone is not going to solve anything. Even if you found nothing there that was out of the way, you would still have a lot to be troubled about. This is not a crime investigation where you need to collect evidence to build a case. This doesn't come down to you needing to catch her on something, or prove something.

If she is telling you that she doesn't have the feelings for you that are normal for a wife, then this is not sounding like a marriage that has a great future. You are saying that she is emotionally driven and doesn't think clearly. The real issue is that she doesn't seem committed to this marriage.

Be careful where you spend your social time with her for now. Don't have single men coming around to your place.

She opened up a can of worms by telling you that she lacks feelings for you. Saying that she loves you like a brother is just muddying up the waters. She started all this upset, and now she gets angry and won't talk. It's good that you are seeing the counselor tomorrow. I hope this counselor is wise and can help you both to come to the truth. The counselor can't make things be what they aren't. I hate to say this, but it sounds like your wife is playing mind games. I don't believe this is totally caused by her being "confused."

It's hard to understand how the two of you could have been together for 3 or 4 years, and now, out of the blue, this huge problem is coming up that never existed before. Something was wrong before that you didn't want to look at. Now you have to. Be honest with yourself. I don't think a counselor who has any brains is going to think that all this started with her suddenly one day saying, "I'm not attracted to you." But you have to start somewhere, so start there. Your wife is saying "I don't know." when she knows plenty. But you are kind of doing the same thing. Acting like everything was fine, until suddenly she told you some things, is your way of saying "I don't know."

She may think that you knew full good and well that you were starting a marriage with her on shaky grounds. So she may feel that you are putting to much responsibility on her for this failing of your marriage so early in the game. Don't make this all about blaming her. It sounds like she has done something wrong by going into this marriage half-heartedly. But she maybe kind of blaming you for letting her do it. You may have hoped that, if you could just get her to marry you, that would fix problems that were there before. Instead, marriage has made those problems worse.

Try not to keep asking her questions that she won't respond to. Lay your cards on the table with the counselor, but get real honest. Don't sit there all clueless, saying I am so hurt that my new wife is saying she really doesn't have marital feelings for me. Try starting this way: "We are here because neither of us is happy. We may have made a big mistake in getting married, and now we don't know what to do."

I don't think your wife cooked up this big plot to get you to marry her, so that she could save money on hiring a mover. You say she has a job. Could she support herself, if she were alone? You say she has family around her. It does sound like she was clinging to you for some reason; people usually do that when they don't have confidence in making it alone. Did she marry you (or move in with you) to get out of living with parents that she wanted to get away from? She had some reason for wanting to live with you that made sense to her. She is flat out saying that she is not in love with you. So there had to be some other reason that she has clung to being with you. The therapist should help you two get that out in the open.

Don't go to counseling with the idea that it is to fix the relationship. Go with the hope that the counselor can help you both to feel safe in talking about things you've been afraid to get out in the open. Finding out at age 24 that a marriage is a mistake is not the end of the world. If ending the marriage leaves you living alone in a town where you don't have family and a network of friends, that is not the end of the world either. I totally get that this feels awful for you.

This problem between you didn't start recently. It started even before the marriage. But you both were unwilling to face it, so now you have even more pain facing it. If you want your wife to be honest with you, then don't make it all about her deceiving you. If you believed you were loved by someone who was not really in love with you, then I suspect you had a hand in deceiving yourself. Be willing to consider that and take some responsibility for that.

I hope going to the counselor allows for a break in the stalemate. Avoid bringing a child into this mess. If your wife seems to be deliberately causing you pain by flirting with other men in front of you, then consider getting a separate place of your own, even if it's just a room you rent.