boyfriend tried to get me to have a 3some after me telling him i didn't want to,

my boyfriend hit me last night. We went to a bar had some pitchers.. (We have been living together for awhile) Long story short I wanted to go to the strip club (basically because other people we were chatting with left to go there) I asked the bartender after the bar was closing if she wanted to join us, but the strip club was closing soon, and we had no more money on us. I talked to a few people, one guy started being a little flirty with me, and my boyfriend got mad. I didn't flirt back or anything, I basically told him to screw off. On the walk back home from the bar. My boyfriend brought up having a threesome with the bartender. he tried to convince me to go back, and get her. it made me feel really upset, hurt, and jealous. he had told me before in past that he didn't want to be with anybody else, man or female, and it would make him feel awkward. and i had told him recently i felt the same way, and I felt like it would cause problems between us, and I wasn't comfortable with it. So when he randomly brought it up, and seemed okay with it as soon as he seen this blonde younger bartender it really hurt me. I'm still hurt.

He's trying to say it was because he thought I would be in to it, and I seemed bored with our sex life. When i had told before I simply needed him to be more passionate, and have more foreplay. I don't understand this at all, and I'm really confused right now, and don't know how to feel besides hurt, and betrayed. I feel like I'm not good enough, and now he's just trying to back peddle so he doesn't hurt my feelings anymore. He became extremely aggressive when we started fighting when we got back to the apartment, and tried to tell me he was mad at me because i was flirting with someone else. When I made sure to make it clear to that guy that the attention was unwanted. I feel like he's trying to pin everything on me right now. He told me he would quit drinking, and that he was sorry. But I don't feel any better, or any less hurt. It doesn't make sense. I don't see the logic behind trying to fix a relationship, by inviting someone else in to it sexually.

After I had been unfaithful with another woman in the beginning of the relationship (and he freaked out) the whole 3 some thing has been a common conversation between us. so he knew how i felt about it, it seems like he just saw something better come along, and suddenly changed his mind on the whole 3 some thing. Another thing he had pushed me out of the apartment in my underwear last night (we live on a sketchy street) and put his hands on me after saying he wouldn't do it again. I'm not a saint, and I have messed up, and hit him before in the past, i'm struggling with mental health issues, and have been getting help, and slowly getting better. He has hit me before, and Now i feel like I'm going to be even more insecure, and jealous and threatened by other women. He says he has problems too, but last night was him just being an insensitive jerk. I don't know if i should believe him, I really don't think anything that was done last night was to benefit me or our relationship. I think he's just trying to make himself seem like less of a jerk? I also missed my sexual abuse counseling appointment because afterwards he acted all depressed and emotional saying he doesn't want to live anymore,. and I was scared to leave him here alone. I feel like hes just holding me back. He's saying that he has stayed me when I screwed up in our relationship before, but this just really hurts, and I don't know how to feel about anything.

I'm questioning if he actually brought it up because he thought i was bored of the relationship, or if he just wanted to be with someone else sexually, more so her, and tried to have me cool with it when I was intoxicated.

You need to get out of that relationship. I read that and only saw red flag after red flag. Whether you had been a saint or not, he has no right to harm you in any form at all.

If you can get out safely, I really hope you do. If you need resources, I know loads. Even apps that are disguised as news apps to get you in contact with someone. Please, please try and stay safe. This is an abusive relationship and you deserve so much better.

It's not the physical, that hurts as much as the psychological abuse and psyche torture. It's been compared to what prisoners of war, go through, as far as how insidious it all is.
Already, it plays on your trust, creating self doubts. As you are now left wondering where his mind is at. Or was at. It's all consuming, and tireless.
Whether his intentions were sincere or alcohol talking, already he manipulated you from a therapy session. Already, you aren't feeling physically beautiful 'enough', to hold his affections.

Never mind the fact, he shoved you, scantily clothed onto the sidewalk. That he punched you.

It is, socially understandable, that you don't want to bring legal action. Lots of women, feel that way.

You can, despite your own past and character flaws, do soooo much better.



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I'll be the first to say, that any abuse, physical or other is not right and the least you should do is get out of the relationship on that alone.

3somes have got to be the biggest fantasy amongst humans, and likely the biggest conflict amongst couples. I believe that a lot of people was to have the but the emotional complexity involved makes it difficult to ensure that all involved are satisfied.

I personally have had two 3somes with my wife early in our marriage. They were MFM 3somes. My wife asked, more begged, to have sex with me and really good friends. She ended up being satisfied. The fact that I'm bisexual meand that I have no problems being with men. Unfortunately for me, I didn't get anything out of the the 3some. No oral or **** sex on the guys. But my wife got it all.

Now almost two decades into our marriage, I'm more into men than women and I want a 3some with a guy so my wife and I can share him. Unfortunately my wife doesn't want to do it. Even after all these years, I still can't get what I want, it is never equal. 3somes are only found in myths, erotica and porn.

As you may be aware...the "3some" issue is just the tip of the iceberg. From what you wrote it sounds like both of you are not dealing with your life in a very healthy manner (he manipulated you into not going to your counseling session).

It's good that you are getting help for yourself...but it is obvious your self-esteem is not in a good place if you contiune to allow your boyfriend to treat you as he does. Ask your counselor how to deal with the issue of him threatening suicide.

ADULTS are free to AGREE on what they mutually want to do sexually. But if emotions are shaky in the 1st place the 3some is not going to be helpful. It would be another "high" or an escape from the real issues.

biskf, not sure what your agreement is with your wife...but what you are not "allowed" to have....usually results in you eventually doing things in secert and that is not good for the marriage either - I hope you find your answer to dealing with your passion.

You could probably see from other threads that this is a struggle that I am trying to deal with.

I'm sorry...I did not know. I do not recall if I read anything you posted. I hope I was not insulting

Not at all insulting. I've been trying to work through these things internally for years and only recently started seeing a therapist and opening up in forums like this. My wife has known I'm bi since we met and I have to work everyday to not let this aspect if my life overwhelm me and mess up a relatively good relationship.

well i'm going to get straight to the point, the relationship was over when he found out you cheated on him, everything else now is just vengeance because you hurt him..he won't ever forgive you and this is obvious by his actions, you don't hit anyone you love, cut your losses and leave this relationship and consider it a lesson learned.

i'm an advocate of saving relationships whenever possible, but your situation is bad and it is only going to get worse, save yourself the trouble in the pipeline GET OUT NOW!! i'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear but it's really good advice now it's up to you to act on it.

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he had told me he was over it, and he "forgave me". things were going good. we had moved out of our old place , and tried to start fresh. Maybe he has been bottling up old emotions, of what I had don to him. All I know Is that I love him a lot. and leaving this relationship would be extremely difficult. I have no job, own hardly anything in this apartment, would not be able to afford to pay rent here. I don't know many people in this city. I still don't even know how to get around here. I'm terrified of being alone, and I do love him. But maybe I'm stupid for thinking things will actually change. Everytime I think about what he did I get extremely angry. Last night I couldn't even tolerate how hurt I was, and I almost ended up sleeping on the couch. Yes maybe threesomes are normal in relationships. but I made it perfectly clear to him that I wasn't interested. It almost feels like he's trying to hurt me (more so when he's drunk) I'm probably just hurting myself by being involved with him. I do feel like **** about myself daily, and having someone who doesn't know how to love me, and be emotionally supportive hurts like hell. I don't know what to do.

It would be nice to be able to go out and have fun without this constantly happening. but I'm pretty sure that's just a dream that will never happen.

I think he brought the bartender up because you both had had too much to drink and were disappointed you could not go to the strip club. For him, it was sort of a next-best-thing idea off the cuff of his inebriated imagination.

Men want to have sex with women; I do not get jealous when my husband appreciates another women's looks/sex "appeal" but get into the discussion with him -- not about him and the other person but just about whether I find the other person attractive or think I would if I were a guy, etc. I do not take it personally: I only take personally what is said to and about me :-)

My husband and my relationship is based on more than just the sex. I do not feel I am interchangeable with another woman, at any time. My husband was married before but that does not mean he "swapped" his ex-wife for me or me for his ex-wife.

Neither of you "know" the bartender, your boyfriend was thinking of her in fantasy/"thing" mode as in "I wonder what that would be like? Maybe we might like to check it out." You were not interested at that time (and apparently don't imagine you will be ever) so it did not happen. That your boyfriend then went on to his impression of an earlier part of the evening and dwelled on that, he was drunk. Laugh at him and tell him to go to bed, that you were not flirting and don't intend to flirt with any other guy while you are with him, you don't fancy being that kind of girlfriend.

Your counselor would be able to point you in the right directions. It's up to you to take that step.

I would also encourage you to get out of the relationship.

I totally get you in how you feel about the constant threesome pressure. They have zero idea what it does to us psychologically it just makes things worse. Made me feel unworthy, unloved for just who I was, not good enough, like an object rather than a woman. It festers and grows psychologically.

I got to the point in my life that I just made myself fat. Closed off the idea of allowing in any more relationships, so making myself unattractive, I suppose finally became a self-defense mechanism. I don'twant to swe you end up going as far as I did. If he is abusing you, be good to yourself and get out of the relationship , give yourself time to heal and then when you are ready, open yourself up to finding the right man for you.

i never could figure out why we fall the hardest for the ones that are the worst for us, all the warning signs are there. 3 somes are a matter of choice,
some of my ex girlfriends were ok with it, others it was a non starter. every relationship is different, i have always discussed it with them to see if they were comfortable with it, if not i drop it and never mention it again, it's not a big deal to me because i have done it before several times so i can take it or leave it! do you have family you can go to? i know you don't want out, but i have a strong feeling you will be revisiting this situation again, maybe at the very least you insist he stop drinking it sounds like the drinking fuels the fire!
i do hope you end up ok, good luck, good luck!

There should be a women's shelter in your area.

Stash a sm bag of get-a-way items just in case you need to make a quick exit.

Statistics aren't in your favor with expecting him to change.

Please keep yourself safe.

Do what I did--start working on a plan for your way out. Find someone who wants a roommate, who has a home and furniture, so you don't have to worry about that right away. Find a job to tide you over until you can get a better one. In any case GET OUT. This guy is toxic, and you will never be happy with him, trust me.Been there, done that. Not the threesome stuff, but some of the things he's done to you, like someone else said, red flags GALORE! When a guy starts getting abusive like that, he does NOT get better, not on his own. In fact, it WILL get worse. And the fact that drinking is behind it too--bad news. I didn't have the drinking going along with it, and it was bad enough! Do what you have to do to get away from him. My ex husband used to try to push me outside naked, a few times. This guy sounds too much like him, except for the threesome part. He also threatened to kill himself if I didn't stay with him. I was young--only 20, and he had me intimidated. Today, I'd tell him he was more than welcome to do as he wanted, just away from me. Always have someone around who can protect you if he gets violent when you try to leave too! That is REALLY important! I did it, you can too! And I had a four year old son too.

Ask yourself this-do you love him enough to...

apologize to your elderly neighbor because he exposed himself and pis.sed on her garage door in the middle of the day

cower in the corner, on the floor, trying to protect your face so he couldn't slap you anymore

have the lights turned off because he stopped on the way to the electric company at a bar

have him go off to Vegas (or wherever) lose all the rent money and get evicted the next month

watch him gobble down his food on the holiday, so drunk that he begins to choke and have to do the himliche (sp) on him to save his life-twice

spend coutless sleepless nights waiting to see if he will make it home and praying that he doesn't kill someone else while he drives so drunk he can barely walk

become the punching bag and the punch line for all his drunken rages

spoil every birthday and holiday, gradually isolate you from all your friends, wait for him to get out of jail after another DV charge, keep preteding that he will ever become a better lover, because if he doesn't care now-he never will, stop wanting new clothes or shoes or make-up because that money is going to go to the bar, have people tell you about his infidelities, watch the brain damage from the alcohol turn him into a shadow, give up every hope ad dream you ever had...?

Do you love him that much?

Promises mean nothing. It will never change. He will never change. If you want a life, get out. Go to a shelter, sleep on a friend's floor, work at a fast food joint-do whatever you have to do-just get out while you are young.

As for the threesomes, that is only a smoke screen. He will never forget, or forgive and if there is a threesome, it will be a disaster.

Get out before it scars your heart forever. And never take up with an alcoholic again.

....and love does not conquer all...as we hope and wait for things to get better. I feel your anger and your pain in this post. I do hope your journey is much much better now!

^^^I couldn't agree more^^^This should be another thread!!

Agreed. You go to what you know. Understanding what "you know" makes it possible to change yourself.