Should apology be given

After a 3.5 year relationship (and a friendship for about a year before we started dating), my ex-boyfriend broke up with me while he was overseas vising family by sending me a Facebook message. I was at work and not expecting the message. In fact, I'd taken him to the airport when he left, and was planning to pick him up when he returned from his trip.

For several weeks after the message, he refused to return any phone calls or e-mails. Basically, a four relationship ended with a single paragraph e-mail.

I tried to take the high ground once we actually spoke about two months later and eventually got over the end of the relationship thinking we'd one day be able to be friends.

However, I have not been able to get over the way that he broke up with me since he refused to ever meet with me face to face. It's as if he completely ignored all the time we spent together, including plenty of good times.

This this past weekend, after not seeing him for six months, I finally got angry. I had been drinking wine with a neighbor and was definitely intoxicated. I went to his house (took taxi) and confronted him. Although I'd taken the high ground since the break up, I definitely behaved badly during this conversation. After the confrontation, I don't believe that a friendship would ever be possible. I'm okay with this...I don't think I could ever be friends with someone who treated me the way that he did. But, I feel as if I lowered myself to his level by my own behavior.

If I had acted the way I did with family or a close friend, I'd definitely apologize. But, given the lack of real consideration he's given me, I don't think he deserves an apology...BUT, I wonder if apologizing is just something a decent person does...I don't want to interact with him at all, but I was always taught to take responsibility for my actions...even if the other person is also to blame. I feel guilty for my behavior although all of my friends have wondered why it took me so long to express my anger.

Is lashing out this way every acceptable or should an apology be given?

Maybe he wasn't ready for a longer-term relationship. It's not surprising that you feel angry - because it was about a 4 year relationship that suddenly ended. And you don't know the reasons. So you're left with the shock of it all, and have to try to figure out what happened. If you were going to apologize - what would you say, what would you apologize for? What do you feel guilty about?

I think that what your boyfriend did to you has understandably left you feeling degraded and betrayed. 4 years of commitment deserves a discussion to end it, and some sense of emotional closure that you were not given by his not allowing you to communicate face-to-face with him in a respectful manner. Anger is a stage in processing grief and loss. In many ways I feel he deserved your anger at that moment, and likely a lot sooner, and you should not feel guilty for feeling the way you do. Your anger is part of processing betrayal and loss, and even though it isn't deemed healthy in our culture to express anger, it actually is. I would say he likely needed to hear all of what you likely said to him.

You seem like a good person, and I can tell you would never do to someone what he has done to you. Allow your emotions to come as they will, most important I think is to fully recognize and understand why you are angry, which you seem to have a good connection with. As far as I can tell here I see nothing to feel guilty for, as you did nothing wrong.

I think it's better to not interact with him at all. If he ever contacts you in the future, you could apologize for your outburst, but I would not reach out again. I find that going no-contact with exes that have upset me like that is the only way I start to get over them. Each time I contact them, it's like starting the clock all over again.

He probably deserved whatever you said to him anyway

Yes, anyone that wants to break any close relationship with a written paragraph is not worth your time. He knew you would be angry and he was too much of a coward to be a man about it.

Even if you know you are better off...I understand you are angry and hurt!!!

I went through something similar - he did not do it in writing...but it hurt like crazy and I did not hold back my anger...we tried to be friends (for what I thought were great reasons)...but the pain lasted a lot longer. I did apologize for my behavior later on but I also told him it came from a place of "losing someone" I loved a lot! That was almost 2 yrs ago. Trying to hold on to a friendship did not work for me. Now, 2 yrs later...I still miss him and will always love him and thankful I did have him in my life -but I am not pining over him anymore.

Good luck!!!! Be good to yourself!!!!

...so what I'm hearing you say is that he doesn't deserve an apology, but apologizing might make you feel better about getting angry with him and showing it. So, the apology wouldn't be real. It would just be about you and about what you're feeling about yourself...

If that's the case, and you DO choose to apologize, do you think it will make you feel any better about yourself? Or do you think you'll just end up beating yourself up for demeaning yourself by "apologizing" to a guy who deserved to feel your pain and anger?

The way your boyfriend chose to leave you was cowardly, contemptable and immature. You are much better off without someone who has demonstrated the capacity to treat you so cruelly.

You owe him no apology.

Hmmm and then I just read this....Pining for lost love can be physically addictive..
Pining for lost love can be physically addictive - Telegraph

An apology given only to those that deserve the apology says more about you than the other person. An apology should not be about the other person at all it's about being remorseful and being accountable for your actions, period. Regardless of who they are and what they did, if you feel you've wronged them an apology is always a good thing to do.

Just to reiterate what most have said...he doesn't deserve an apology. At all. He didn't think to care about having a decent breakup or to discuss what made him so unhappy in person. Like you hinted at, things didn't have to end the way they did. Personally, like you, I can't deal with that type of behavior either. Like others have said it shows how immature & thoughtless he is that he couldn't do this face to face. Especially after so much investment. If anything, it should be the other way around. He should be the one apologizing to you. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who disrespected me on such a great level, much less continue to have contact with them.

Thanks to everyone who responded. I feel less guilty than earlier today, that's for sure. I have a pretty strong sense of right and wrong when it comes to my own behavior and hate it when I lash out...even if the other person deserves to hear my thoughts, I would have preferred to express my anger in a more productive way...but, I think even worrying about an apology keeps me tied to him even longer. I'm sure he has not thought twice about it....if he didn't care enough to end the relationship with respect, then I'm sure he cares even less now...(Even though I did verbally beat up on him a bit.) :-)

Good to hear that! So glad you're feeling better, and with time you'll be fine. If you ever want to talk

i do think it is strange that he would break up with you with a single paragraph e mail. there must have really been something going on/ deep rooted problem in your relationship..it's not normal for someone to abruptly end a relationship in this fashion. i believe there were some on going un addressed problems and maybe he had enough

then to refuse to return phone calls and you guys have known each other for over 4 yrs, i must say this is quite bizarre. did you guys argue a lot? i suspect there is more going on here than meets the eye.

the fact that it took 2 months to finally speak makes me wonder why you would continue to want to be friends with someone who treated you this way?

it wasn't a good idea to show up at this man's place of residence drunk and angry and you are very fortunate he didn't call the cops, thank goodness he didn't or it would have been a whole new ballgame.

i think it's best to leave him alone before this guy gets the impression you are stalking him, the fact that you accept you were inappropriate in your behavior
is apology enough, you have no need to speak to him or see him again..all that will do is stir up old wounds and slow your healing process

as a responsible adult, lashing out in this way is not acceptable, in the real world as a person with emotions and feelings it happens! sometimes our emotions get the best of us and when you add alcohol all you need is popcorn cause you're gonna get a show!

i hope this helps, my advice is to chalk it up to experience. no good can come out of interacting with him again.

My mom has been abusive, manipulative, selfish, highly rigid and has really poor money handling skills. MY parents never had a good relation. Father died due to illness & lack of are. My bro hates her & has moved in with her now because she can't be left alone. She keeps house cluttered, disorganized & unsafe. Unhygenic, oily cooking is her way. Even daily medicines are missed.
We've tried love, patience, arguing, scolding, logic, even emotional blackmail- nothing really worked. I still feel for her because she have had her good sides too. But my siblings (sis n bro have given up). Sis is married, with baby n lives far. I recently got married & live way too. Moreso, taking her with us would only spoil oir marriages. Her negativity is anyway affecting our relationships & personalities.
Dad's relatives avoid her & her clever relatives will only use her for money. They have their own lives & only pretend concern. Nobody wants to get in the mess. Full time nurse not possible. She even switches servants.
We can't live her alone as she can just not take care of herself. We can't force her in an adult home or to a counsellor as she is still able to argue with her stupid logics.
I think she needs a psychologist & love from us family. I am still on but she is so moody, bitter & can insult u unexpectedly that I too would lose my calmness. My siblings have given up on her improvement. I am more worried about my bro who is losing faith in family values & becoming highly self dependent- as in will be nic eto u but won't entertaIn any interference in his life. He's still unmarried. PLZ HELP ME.

I can see why you're frustrated. I will lightly suggest that next time you create your own thread, so as not to take away attention from the OP. Maybe you're using your phone or something & had a glitch on the app (similar has almost happened to me), or you're new to the site & are finding your way. If so, welcome ^.^

I've actually been in a situation that was practically the same as yours which lasted for a little over nine years. If you want to talk about how you're feeling or swap advice, feel free to PM me.

For you:

Hi! Thanks for replying. Yes I need help- seriously.

When I speak to her nicely, she responds well buth then its momentarily and I have to be very particular about what I say. Eg, if I recommend that I will take her to a normal health checkup, she would bring up past grudges & won't move on. I see psychologist as only option. I tried to use the word ''counselor'' & explain that its not only mad people who go to him/ her. But she would get highly offended & refuse.
She abuses my bro & he too is not interested in her anymore. We sisters can't live there. We can go on but I fear things things'll only AGGRAVATE with her- physically & mentally in the coming years, which will eventually affect all.
I seek her advice, love as a mom but right now, I can curb those wishes bcoz now, all I want her is to live safely atleast. She is suffering inside but would not accept it. PLZ HELP ME. I live in India & she is 57.

Sorry, for the long msg. I am new & rules restrict me from PMing u. plz rep here.

He is not the kind of person you want to have even just as a friend at this point because he was very disrespectful by ending the relationship the way he did. In short, he's not a very nice person, and I would cut all ties and not see him again in any capacity. And NO, he doesn't deserve an apology. He hurt you beyond words, and whatever you said to him... well, you needed it, as you'd kept it inside all that time. You're giving him more than he deserves if you offer an apology. After all, you've done NOTHING wrong.

It's ok, this isn't too long. I don't know the customs of India, so my ideas may or may not work out...I'd still like to help you though and will give you two different options.

You clearly said you explained what a therapist is to your mom but she is still against it. You make it sound like she really needs it. From what you said it seems to me she has a fear of visiting health professionals in general. Is this what you meant? If that's the case, is it possible that you can go to a place that can offer her services and seek advice on the situation? They can tell you what the general policies are for where you live and what is and what isn't allowed along with who they can and can't help under which circumstance. If so, you can also possibly continue to go other offices that offer therapy and ask for the same information. This can be a good way to start researching a little bit so you can develop a plan for her.

Can you trick her? Normally I'd be totally against this, but my personal preferences don't matter here. Go to the therapist and explain the situation, arrange an appointment. Take her out and go a different route to the professional's office so that - if they're allowed to operate this way - she will be forced to stay because they already know the situation.

These are just initial ideas since I don't know if things are different in India, considering I'm in the U.S Let me know if this helps...hopefully it does. Also, you don't have to follow what I'm saying exactly, since you know more about this than I do. And PM me as soon as you can.

Good luck.

Reply to OP:

No way does he deserve an apology. Did he ever explain himself to you? I think he deserved to hear every bit of your outrage and probably more. You deserve the apology from HIM and furthermore, you deserve an explanation for his inexcusable behavior. I think you were right to let him have it rather than let him walk away quietly. Good for you for standing up for yourself!

Yes, there were ongoing problems in the relationship, but I had chalked most of them up to problems he was having with his business and his family. Most any fight we had started there...so, it was not as if it was a perfect relationship...but I thought that any problems we had would improve as things improved with his business or family stuff.

As far a showing up drunk, I actually don't recall even wanting to confront him...I'm not a big drinker but had way too much one evening with a neighbor (who had asked about the relationship)...to be honest, I don't even remember going to his house...just the actual conversation itself. Of course, being drunk is no excuse and that is the entire reason I even consider apologizing. I just wouldn't have done it that way had I been in better control. If I had been less intoxicated or totally sober, I never would have gone to his house or brought myself down to his level. In fact, up to that point, I'd been content knowing I'd handled myself well given his behavior. So yeah, I'm pretty disappointed in myself.

In terms of leaving him alone. Yes, totally. Since going to his house, I've unfriended him (as well as his brother) on Facebook and deleted him from my phone. I won't ever reach out to him again. It is what is best for all concerned.

Take good care of yourself. Cutting someone off and losing them from your life is very difficult. It sounds like you are handling it very well...no one handles a difficult situation perfectly. No need to beat yourself up.

Who knows why he ended the relationship the way he did? I was thinking he was a coward and just could not face you with such news, thought he'd be able to email you and be done, just ignore you from then on. Your anger at such treatment is quite appropriate, I believe, and I would just use that and be glad you are rid of him. I would not apologize for going over to confront him, wine or no wine. If you feel an apology of some sort would make you feel better, I would apologize (perhaps for confronting him when drunk as opposed to sober, but not for confronting him or being angry/lashing out). . . in an email

excellent, excellent.a wise decision.. i can assure you it will serve you well...good luck!

For you:

Glad you are choosing to step away, from him. Sure, you showed up, after wine, and confronted him. It's almost as though, you are even.
If it's out of character for you, he already must realize that.

Could always consider it, a form of closure

You'd pent up a lot. Four years, a paragraph in an email (btdt, btw, 6 yrs), one wine induced tongue lashing. Sounds even.


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