[allme]

My husband told me today that I have scarred him for life and he doesn't think he will ever recover from what he thinks I've put him through.

I have BPD so life with me can be pretty tough at times. He said I drain him every day Even though he said all that stuff, he said he still loves me and wants to be with me. Well I don't know how to take it all. I don't want to be with someone if I am damaging them We have been together 15 years and we both still love each other very much but at the same time, it's a very unhealthy relationship.

I don't know what to do after hearing him say those things.

Maybe couples therapy?

My husband has BPD, and yes, being in a relationship with him and often being the brunt of his emotionally instability has taken its toll. But like your husband, I am dedicated to him and to our marriage and we have been together for 28 years. The effects of his behavior over the years has certainly changed me and I've required therapy specifically to work on how to counteract the effects of his actions and words on my life and my own mental health. Things have started to improve. My husband has started to make some gains in his own therapy and to make real changes in the way he approaches me. He's become more congnizant of how his critical words tear me down emotionally and works hard now to actively think before he acts, and it has helped.

Couples therapy was helpful, but perhaps if nothing else, he should see a therapist on his own to learn how to set good boundaries with you so it is clear to you when you have crossed the line. I used to let things go too far in my efforts to be understanding, but what I was really doing was enabling really poor behavior from him. Once I learned to express my own boundaries and hold them for my own well-being, my husband was better able to monitor and manage his own emotions and behaviors better.

Anyone that tells another peron that they've scarred them for life needs to take a step back and stop being selfish and self-centered. The statement alone assumes one person in a relationship is the messed up one and tends to imply the other is a victim of sorts. I'm sorry but no matter how difficult you can be with your bpd, I highly doubt you've traumatized him to the point of scarring him for life. And even at most, if you have, fact is, he's probably scarred you in ways too. Think about it, we all affect each other negatively and positively to some degree, sometimes to extreme degrees and especially those who are with us long term or are our life partners. Just a fact of life. Tell him to get over his whiny self and man up. You've been through a lot too. Ok not in those words but truly you need to just stand up for yourself a bit here.

[Perna]

It is a cheap shot to claim someone else has damaged you but you want to stay and get some more of that? Your husband needs to learn to take responsibility for himself. I think couples counselling sounds like a good idea.

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by Perna

It is a cheap shot to claim someone else has damaged you but you want to stay and get some more of that? Your husband needs to learn to take responsibility for himself. I think couples counselling sounds like a good idea.

All said so well. I can sure relate and wish u all the best

[unaluna]

Send him to me for a few days. He will be SO GRATEFUL to get back to you!

With all due respect for those blasting the husband for telling his wife how much hurt he is feeling and saying why does he stick around then, it seems like a double standard to tell someone who has bpd with strong abandonment issues that her husband should just up and leave her if he would just man up and stop whining.

The OP says she and her husband love each other a great deal. I say again that if he is committed to staying with her, as I am to my own husband, then hopefully he will receive therapy for himself as well as perhaps them both attending marital counseling.

What I have learned is that both my husband and I had things to learn about living with bpd. He needed to learn where his responsibility lay which was in his verbal and emotional abuse (not pretty to hear, but that is what it was), possessiveness, and paranoia that he took out on me, and I needed to learn how to be honest to him about how painful it was to be on the receiving end of his behaviors and learn to be more consistent about standing up for myself rather than walking on eggshells around him to try to keep him calm. Both of us needed to change our behaviors in order for things to improve; the change couldn't just lie on one of our shoulders, and things are improving now that the communication has opened up on both ends.

Did my husband mean to be hurtful to me? Absolutely not. Far from it. I knew that and that is why I was willing all these years to stand by him, probably much like the OP's husband. A lot of damage was done over the years, but I was certain we could find a way to work through it and move past it. Isn't that kind of loyalty and honor of marriage and relationship valuable? When we finally really starting talking about the strain the dynamic was having on both of us, we both made changes that helped the situation dramatically.

Making those changes has not been easy and has taken many, many years, but the work was well worth it. But telling the husband to man up and stop whining just isn't appropriate or helpful to either party here. His hurt and pain is as valid as the OP's. Both of them have work to do, but it is possible to make real changes in their relationship and interactions that will be healing to both of them.

Allme, don't run scared of your husband's pain. Instead, let it be an opening for real honest communication about how each of you is feeling. Encourage him to take care of himself by perhaps seeing a therapist on his own, and discuss seeing someone to help you work together on the dynamics in your relationship that are painful for both of you.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( allme )))))))))

[soccerdad]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

With all due respect for those blasting the husband for telling his wife how much hurt he is feeling and saying why does he stick around then, it seems like a double standard to tell someone who has bpd with strong abandonment issues that her husband should just up and leave her if he would just man up and stop whining.

The OP says she and her husband love each other a great deal. I say again that if he is committed to staying with her, as I am to my own husband, then hopefully he will receive therapy for himself as well as perhaps them both attending marital counseling.

What I have learned is that both my husband and I had things to learn about living with bpd. He needed to learn where his responsibility lay which was in his verbal and emotional abuse (not pretty to hear, but that is what it was), possessiveness, and paranoia that he took out on me, and I needed to learn how to be honest to him about how painful it was to be on the receiving end of his behaviors and learn to be more consistent about standing up for myself rather than walking on eggshells around him to try to keep him calm. Both of us needed to change our behaviors in order for things to improve; the change couldn't just lie on one of our shoulders, and things are improving now that the communication has opened up on both ends.

Did my husband mean to be hurtful to me? Absolutely not. Far from it. I knew that and that is why I was willing all these years to stand by him, probably much like the OP's husband. A lot of damage was done over the years, but I was certain we could find a way to work through it and move past it. Isn't that kind of loyalty and honor of marriage and relationship valuable? When we finally really starting talking about the strain the dynamic was having on both of us, we both made changes that helped the situation dramatically.

Making those changes has not been easy and has taken many, many years, but the work was well worth it. But telling the husband to man up and stop whining just isn't appropriate or helpful to either party here. His hurt and pain is as valid as the OP's. Both of them have work to do, but it is possible to make real changes in their relationship and interactions that will be healing to both of them.

Allme, don't run scared of your husband's pain. Instead, let it be an opening for real honest communication about how each of you is feeling. Encourage him to take care of himself by perhaps seeing a therapist on his own, and discuss seeing someone to help you work together on the dynamics in your relationship that are painful for both of you.

Well said

[allme]

Thank you all of you.

I have taken all what you have said and it has really made me think. We have both hurt each other in many ways..and I do think the way forward is therapy for us both as individuals and as a couple. This is something I am going to talk to him about once the dust settles.

I love him with all my heart and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. I love him and want him to be happy so will do whatever that takes.

I listened to what he had to say and I can see how living with me has taken its toll on him. I am very high maintenance and really need to learn to deal with a lot of stuff internally as I drain all his resources which leaves him unable to deal with his own 'stuff'.

I am sure we have the love and will to get through this and make it better for ourselves.

Thanks again

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

With all due respect for those blasting the husband for telling his wife how much hurt he is feeling and saying why does he stick around then, it seems like a double standard to tell someone who has bpd with strong abandonment issues that her husband should just up and leave her if he would just man up and stop whining.

The OP says she and her husband love each other a great deal. I say again that if he is committed to staying with her, as I am to my own husband, then hopefully he will receive therapy for himself as well as perhaps them both attending marital counseling.

What I have learned is that both my husband and I had things to learn about living with bpd. He needed to learn where his responsibility lay which was in his verbal and emotional abuse (not pretty to hear, but that is what it was), possessiveness, and paranoia that he took out on me, and I needed to learn how to be honest to him about how painful it was to be on the receiving end of his behaviors and learn to be more consistent about standing up for myself rather than walking on eggshells around him to try to keep him calm. Both of us needed to change our behaviors in order for things to improve; the change couldn't just lie on one of our shoulders, and things are improving now that the communication has opened up on both ends.

Did my husband mean to be hurtful to me? Absolutely not. Far from it. I knew that and that is why I was willing all these years to stand by him, probably much like the OP's husband. A lot of damage was done over the years, but I was certain we could find a way to work through it and move past it. Isn't that kind of loyalty and honor of marriage and relationship valuable? When we finally really starting talking about the strain the dynamic was having on both of us, we both made changes that helped the situation dramatically.

Making those changes has not been easy and has taken many, many years, but the work was well worth it. But telling the husband to man up and stop whining just isn't appropriate or helpful to either party here. His hurt and pain is as valid as the OP's. Both of them have work to do, but it is possible to make real changes in their relationship and interactions that will be healing to both of them.

Allme, don't run scared of your husband's pain. Instead, let it be an opening for real honest communication about how each of you is feeling. Encourage him to take care of himself by perhaps seeing a therapist on his own, and discuss seeing someone to help you work together on the dynamics in your relationship that are painful for both of you.

There is a difference in communicating that someone is hurting you and going to the extreme of saying they've "scarred you for life" The difference is one is communication and the other is blaming, and kind of whiny. Sorry but I disagree in that he does need to grow a set and learn to communicate more effectively what he's feeling instead of passing off judgement and blaming her for all his pain. The pain in a relationship is mutual and when it falls apart is not from the pain it's from the blame game that people do that causes resentment and further hurt in the other.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by allme

Thank you all of you.

I have taken all what you have said and it has really made me think. We have both hurt each other in many ways..and I do think the way forward is therapy for us both as individuals and as a couple. This is something I am going to talk to him about once the dust settles.

I love him with all my heart and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. I love him and want him to be happy so will do whatever that takes.

I listened to what he had to say and I can see how living with me has taken its toll on him. I am very high maintenance and really need to learn to deal with a lot of stuff internally as I drain all his resources which leaves him unable to deal with his own 'stuff'.

I am sure we have the love and will to get through this and make it better for ourselves.

Thanks again

He needs therapy, and i am surprised knowing you have bpd, he hasn't learned effective communication skills. So many people in this world merely suspect that's what's going on in marriage and try. Here you are, with a dx, to me, saying you are working on addressing yourself in therapy, and he hasn't bothered to learn???
Just sayin. Those were biting words and not words a partner aware of their significant others bpd, would say, if they were being actively supportive.
Because you are already in therapy, will he try couples counseling?

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

There is a difference in communicating that someone is hurting you and going to the extreme of saying they've "scarred you for life" The difference is one is communication and the other is blaming, and kind of whiny.

We all say things we don't mean, so while it wasn't a very measured comment, it was understandable.

We should also bear in mind that we don't know the history of the relationship and things that have been done or said in the past, and so it's hard to judge just how disproportionate his comments might be

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

We all say things we don't mean, so while it wasn't a very measured comment, it was understandable.

We should also bear in mind that we don't know the history of the relationship and things that have been done or said in the past, and so it's hard to judge just how disproportionate his comments might be

I am certain this was not their first conversation about this in their 15 years of marriage. Was his wording great? No. But was he being honest about how he perceives the effect on him? Yes. A person can only be so proficient in walking on eggshells for so long; occasionally you step on an eggshell and it crunches and makes noise. This was likely one of those occasions. The good news is that it looks to have allowed the OP to perhaps really awaken to the effect on BOTH of them which cannot be ignored in a relationship. Both people have needs and issues that hopefully will now be addressed.

[Perna]

No one is asking anyone to walk on eggshells, just take responsibility for themselves. It is called boundaries. If you say to me, "you have scarred me for life" I will not have much faith in your self esteem or much respect for you and your ability to be a good partner to me. I want a partner who works to know and take responsibility for themselves and does not allow themselves to think another could scar them for life, much less actually have let them do something they perceive as scarring them for life. Love is working to be one's authentic self with another, not mere words and feelings. No one else can feel what we feel so my feeling I love you is pretty useless to anyone except me. My actions, my care of you and what I say to you, how I treat you and inform you about myself and the boundaries I set that show my self esteem and care I take of myself, showing I can effectively care for myself and thus, by extension, care for you too in a true partnership relationship is what love is to me.

My feelings of love is what keeps me with someone I love, I love that feeling. However, that does not negate my taking care of myself first, setting boundaries and making sure my Self is taken care of. If another person, even a person I love, threatens my Self, I have to block that or withdraw or whatever. When your partner comes at you with a knife, who stands there and takes it? If you know how to block the knife thrust or disarm the person you do that, if you are unsure, confused, don't know what is going on or how to deal with it, you leave. . .quickly :-) At a minimum, you state, "I will not have this conversation with you while you are holding a knife." Letting someone slash your cheek and scar you for life and then throwing that back at them later in another situation. . . is like holding a knife and threatening to slash their cheek in retaliation.

So you base your assessment of this husband, on an entire relationship, a 15 year marriage, on one sentence? Really? That's a lot of assuming going on. None of us know what thousands of conversations, what work, what efforts, what events, have transpired in those 15 years.

I don't disagree that he is bound to need therapy and to work on his own issues, but do you expect him to be at the end of his therapy work when it hasn't yet begun?

This is a couple that needs time and help and lots of work. They seem to know that at this point. Unfortunately, it can take a long time for people to finally realize they need more help than they can provide for themselves. It's good that both seem to see the need now for help. That's a good thing.

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

We all say things we don't mean, so while it wasn't a very measured comment, it was understandable.

We should also bear in mind that we don't know the history of the relationship and things that have been done or said in the past, and so it's hard to judge just how disproportionate his comments might be

No that's just an excuse. I may say things that are not well thought out but in no way does that excuse me when I do these things. I would not judge anyone by any measure I would not judge myself. Just because we are fallible and make mistakes does not make the statement that I made valid. Again, there is a difference between stating that you are hurt by someone and jumping to statements like "scarring me for life"... That is exactly my point, the times when we say things we don't mean are times when we are out of control and not thinking. Just because we do that at times does not make it so we should not work on communicating better. The goal is not to do that especially to those you care about.

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

I am certain this was not their first conversation about this in their 15 years of marriage. Was his wording great? No. But was he being honest about how he perceives the effect on him? Yes. A person can only be so proficient in walking on eggshells for so long; occasionally you step on an eggshell and it crunches and makes noise. This was likely one of those occasions. The good news is that it looks to have allowed the OP to perhaps really awaken to the effect on BOTH of them which cannot be ignored in a relationship. Both people have needs and issues that hopefully will now be addressed.

Being honest in his statement would be that she is doing things that hurt him. saying someone is scarring you fo r life is neither accurate nor fair. Again, to minimize how someone says things to another is just silly. Much of conversation breaks down not because of intentions or meanings behind the words but the actual words used.

I would not get hurt by someone saying that they were offended by something I did or hurt but if they said I'm the reason they are scarred forever would.

your arguments are on his intentions but most times intentions are not what cause resentment, arguments and pain in relationships. If we always knew what the other meant in their words wow, we'd all be much happier with our partners and friends but unfortunately it is about the words.

I am sure she knows, and I know this is true from many hours of talkign to her, that she knows she hurts her husband and isn't always a perfect wife, that is not a question in my mind.. But if you look at the conversation even in brief and really pay attention you'll realize taht her whole reason for posting isn't about the fact that she falls short and hurts him. Taht is a given and she knows this, it's all about WHAT HE SAID!

Don't get me wrong, I am sure there are good thigns about her husband and I know that, but the fact is that he does need in this case, to stop being a victim of her and not be blaming her for his unhappiness.

[soccerdad]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Being honest in his statement would be that she is doing things that hurt him. saying someone is scarring you fo r life is neither accurate nor fair. Again, to minimize how someone says things to another is just silly. Much of conversation breaks down not because of intentions or meanings behind the words but the actual words used.

I would not get hurt by someone saying that they were offended by something I did or hurt but if they said I'm the reason they are scarred forever would.

your arguments are on his intentions but most times intentions are not what cause resentment, arguments and pain in relationships. If we always knew what the other meant in their words wow, we'd all be much happier with our partners and friends but unfortunately it is about the words.

I am sure she knows, and I know this is true from many hours of talkign to her, that she knows she hurts her husband and isn't always a perfect wife, that is not a question in my mind.. But if you look at the conversation even in brief and really pay attention you'll realize taht her whole reason for posting isn't about the fact that she falls short and hurts him. Taht is a given and she knows this, it's all about WHAT HE SAID!

Don't get me wrong, I am sure there are good thigns about her husband and I know that, but the fact is that he does need in this case, to stop being a victim of her and not be blaming her for his unhappiness.

So based on that assessment you believe that he is lying or that if he is telling the truth he should lie?

Personally I don't find fault with what he said IF he honestly feels this way and for the sake of the OP I will believe he is being honest. It is a bold statement and it is better to state it that way then leave room for interpretation. It may be painful but it isn't a personal attack but rather a declaration of feelings - just maybe not a positive one.

People always talk about how open and honest communication is important in a strong relationship but we pick and choose what honesty is the right honesty. We applaud the OP's partner for sticking with her and working with her even though her BPD can cause him pain but then we chastise him when he wants his feelings to be valid?

He could lie and just go along and spare her feelings but is that really fair to him? I understand the OP has BPD and she is not using it as an excuse but rather owning it outright. The only way to get over the ugliness in a relationship (disorder or otherwise) is to face it head on and sometimes it can be unpleasant. If he has indeed been scarred for life by her actions then now it is out there and they can begin the healing. If he never was honest and didn't let her know the extent of his pain then the healing could never fully happen because it was still buried.

[soccerdad]

Originally Posted by allme

My husband told me today that I have scarred him for life and he doesn't think he will ever recover from what he thinks I've put him through.

I have BPD so life with me can be pretty tough at times. He said I drain him every day Even though he said all that stuff, he said he still loves me and wants to be with me. Well I don't know how to take it all. I don't want to be with someone if I am damaging them We have been together 15 years and we both still love each other very much but at the same time, it's a very unhealthy relationship.

I don't know what to do after hearing him say those things.

Maybe couples therapy?

In my personal experience I don't think couples therapy is going to help anything. If the route cause is your BPD then it is something that you have to work through yourself.

My wife has severe anger issues. It has caused a lot of pain in our relationship and a lot of permanent damage. We tried couples therapy but it never had any effect. Finally she has started seeing a therapist and is working on her anger. She includes me in some sessions and it is a safe environment for me to say how I feel as well as her. Because of this things have improved dramatically and we communicate much better now. Just regular married disagreements and the kids have even noticed a huge improvement.

I don't know you and your partner and I am only basing my thought on your post. I do not want to come across like I am blaming you for everything but in your post you make no mention of him being a bad person or treating you poorly. If your BPD is indeed the main obstacle in the way of your shared happiness then that is what you have to conquer.

Originally Posted by soccerdad

So based on that assessment you believe that he is lying or that if he is telling the truth he should lie?

I never implied he should lie. I said what I need to say and you're making meanings out of what I said that I never implied. With that I remain steadfast in my opinion but you're entitled to your own. I just happen to disagree.

[kittyfaye]

I know how you feel Allme, my boyfriend has BPD, and I'm pretty sure I have it too. It's tough at times but keep pushing.

[RRex]

If my husband said that to me I'd divorce him.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

No that's just an excuse. I may say things that are not well thought out but in no way does that excuse me when I do these things. I would not judge anyone by any measure I would not judge myself. Just because we are fallible and make mistakes does not make the statement that I made valid.

I didn't mean that it was a valid statement, just an understandable one. Not everything that comes out of our mouths, particularly in an argument, is going to be perfectly fine and acceptable upon review.