Missing Girlfriend

Hi All,

Sorry in advance for this rant, just feeling a little bit down tonight, have to get some feelings out and maybe some answers in the meantime.

My girlfriend dumped me 3 weeks ago, and I'm just a wreck. I had been going through depression for a few weeks before the breakup, but that event just put me off the charts. I began acting erratic and highly emotional. The past 3 weeks have felt like a rollercoaster ride. I've been seeing some counsellors and I'm finally getting myself together.

My girlfriend dumped me in the first place because she had to work on being single, becoming her own woman in a sense. I'm very happy for her, as I know it's something that she wants. I'm just not too keen on her methods of getting it. It feels like she's a new person. Is it selfish of me to want the old personality back? She used to be so happy and willing to help and kind, but now she doesn't seem to display those qualities anymore. The thing is, I still care and love her very much and I hate to see her destroy relationships with other people. I want to help her so much, but she rejects me. I just don't want to see her get lost on the wrong path.

Like I said, I still care and love her very much, and am looking towards the future when I'm better with myself and vice-versa. Am I wrong for wanting to get back together with her? Should I even be thinking about a future with her at the moment? I am, and I can't help it. I just miss her presence in my life so much, and I just wish she could be here with me at this very second. I'm worried that she'll cut me out of her life in the future.

I'm so confused, and there's so much stuff to write down, I hope all of that made sense

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time right now and I wish I could make it all better for you, and yet I know nothing I could do or say would stop the pain right now....... but I can share my understanding with you - for even though I have been married for 20 years, we still have gone thru our ups and downs - not to mention the few times we thought it was over.

Hang in there..................................
and keeping talking about how you are feeling over your loss and in time I pray the inner pain becomes less.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

It's natural to miss your gf. My heart goes out to you.

On the other, I know how hard it is to "become your own woman." When I started creating boundaries with the help of a therapist, family and friends called me selfish. My mother hung up on me, and another friend just vanished. People who are used to taking one's kindness and caring for granted can be resentful when it isn't there for them anymore and one wants a bit of onself just for ME.

I hope you will look at it from her side, too. You say that you were depressed even before the break-up. I spend rather a lot of my life being depressed, and I am sure that I must seem very needy and, well, depressing to other people when I am in those spells.

Perhaps she is out drinking and doing the clubs, and that's why you think she is going in the wrong direction. That's also a reasonable concern on your part.

It's certainly challenging to make any generalizations on the basis of your post, but I hope you will hang in there and take care of yourself. That's the most important thing for you to do right now.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

I do see it in her direction. Obviously, I don't understand all of her decisions but I do know that she has to do this and she's enjoying it for the most past. It just makes me feel like I was never enough, you know? Like she couldn't wait to get out of the relationship and go and party and flirt and all that other stuff. It just hits me hard some days that she's not here.

I used to blame her for being selfish alot, and it was hard not to talk to her and end up yelling or something equally unfair. But thinking about it makes me see that it's good for her, and this is good for the both of us. I do have to learn to take care of myself, and her the same.

Well, the next night and I miss her again. It's harder now because I see the areas in which I screwed up in, and they're so petty and stupid errors. I don't know how I could have ever acted like that. I'm so stupid. I just wish I was back in her arms, being happy.

(((((((((((((tellybox)))))))))))))))

Hang in there. Find some new interests. You're more likely to be newly attractive to her if she sees you are moving on and working on your "self" too.

I'm so sorry about all of that. It's difficult to get over a serious relationship. Wondering where you went wrong is even more difficult, I feel terrible for you.

Personally, I believe that people don't need to feel regret as long as they find a way to get something out of their negitive experience. Nothing has to be for naught. In this case, you can make mental notes of what to do and not do in the future [whether you get back with her or find someone better]. Then maybe you can learn more about yourself through your actions/reactions....Including the actions/reactions to the break up itself. Think of this as a learning experience. But also understand why it's difficult to sustain a serious relationship at a young age, or with people who are youthful minded. This is life, take the oppertunity to learn from it. If you have an experience, positive or negitive, and you don't learn from it, then it was a wasted moment...You might as well try and get as much as you can out of it, especially if it's a negitive expereince. Why let it all be negitive? Try to block out the emotions and really think about the entire relationship...The parts you both played, where she was wrong, where you were wrong, what you both could have done better, what may have predispositioned the relationship to failure, etc. Don't be afraid to question yourself, and don't be afraid to question her. Logical understanding, for me at least, tends to help me find acceptance. I hope it does for you too.

tellybox,

I'm so sorry to hear about everything. It's so hard to get over a serious relationship. I'm still trying to get over one myself and it sucks. :-( I keep going over the things I did wrong. And right now I'm sitting at home alone while I know my ex-lover is out and probably with someone else. It's horrible. I feel for you. I don't blame you for worrying about your ex's behavior, but bear in mind that people do stupid things when they first end a relationship. She probably just has to be wild for a bit.

I like what howohsocliche said about finding something to get out of the negative experience. For me, I found that I have a lot of trouble communicating how I really feel and that I avoid all the serious subjects. Now I'm working on that with a therapist and hoping that on the next go-round I'll be a lot better at it. That's my hope anyway.

I can relate to wanting your ex back! It's hard. But you'll get through it eventually. Keep posting and maybe we can help you feel a little better. Or at least we can commiserate. :-/

Sidony

Thanks all for the replies, they make me feel better knowing that other people know what the situation is like first hand.

Wants2Fly: I have been looking at new interests. I'm going to start volunteering at different places, as well as take up a fitness or dance class. I'd like to acquire new activities that will make me feel good.

Howohsocliche: Part of my counselling has been doing the exact things you mentioned. It has helped me a great deal to see my shortcomings and has given me a new goal to strive for. I want to make myself more positive, make my life more fulfilled in a sense. I have learned a great deal from that relationship, and although we did have our bad times, we had more great times. No regrets.

Sidony: I feel for you, very much. It's so hard some days, and other's it's not. The thing to do is think positive and focus on your life. I hope all goes well in your therapy!

Thanks all, this site really is a big help to my day. I'll keep everybody posted.

Tellybox, I remember when my boyfriend dumped me and the horrible horrible depression and how slow it was to go away but then I met my husband :-) If I had to do it all again I'd keep reminding myself how hard it is to look "forward" instead of sideways at the person I use to be with and all the energy used to wish I could change that situation. It's so hard when we have ourselves and our time invested in someone else; it's like a death almost.

Be patient and gentle with yourself; her leaving was not about "you" and your "faults" but about her own issues. You probably couldn't have done anything different that would have mattered. I had already begun to notice that things usually got better than they had been before (like when I applied to jobs and didn't get the first few I wanted but then the one I finally got was better than all the rest and I was glad I hadn't gotten them). Maybe look forward "expectantly" like there's something good waiting for you ahead and go toward finding out what it is?

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Perna said:
Be patient and gentle with yourself; her leaving was not about "you" and your "faults" but about her own issues. You probably couldn't have done anything different that would have mattered.

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Well, said, Perna.

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tellybox said:
Sidony: I feel for you, very much. It's so hard some days, and other's it's not. The thing to do is think positive and focus on your life. I hope all goes well in your therapy!

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Thanks Telly! It's been kind of a hard week for me since he and I got together one evening last week. We hadn't seen each other in a while, but we'd still kept in touch some by email. Since last week though we've had zero contact and I expect we won't have any at all for a while. It's hard. I find myself wanting to get away from all my friends too since I'm reminded of how I used to be with my ex when I was with them.

I feel for you too and hope you're doing okay today. The hard times will end eventually though. For all of us!

Sidony

((((((((((Sidony))))))))))

I hope things get better for you! It all hurts so much right now, but it'll get better with time. I hope you have smoe friends that you can lean on right now. You shouldn't have to go through this alone.

As for me, I'm doing good. Trying to keep a positive attitude, keeping myself busy. It all seems to be helping. Today, my ex asked to talk to me. She wanted to tell me that she was changing rooms. Also that she was receiving opinions from friends, opinions that she thought was wholly uncalledfor. I just feel bad for her because she's doing what she thinks is right, but some of our friends don't understand her behaviour. But the truth is, she doesn't explain her story because she feels like she doesn't have to. I understand her point of view, but I don't in another way. She's surprised by some friends behaviour because they seem to be blasting her for the decisions she's made, yet when it gets down to it, she won't give them her reasons. So, they side with me. She doesn't like this because she thinks it's unfair of them to choose sides. It's just so frustrating, but I guess I'll have to learn to get over her reactions and hope one day she'll open up to her friends.

On a different note, everything seems ok between us now. We're able to talk no problem, and it looks like we're on the road to a good recovery. I'm just scared for me. I know that in the future, when she's alot better and I'm alot better, I'm going to want to pursue another relationship with her. Don't get me wrong though, everything I'm doing right now is for myself. I want to get better and become a more positive person, but I still want to go back out with her. With my new outlook, I want to go towards life, so in the end I won't have any regrets. I want to pursue another relationship because I don't want to be sitting in my rocking chair, years from now wondering what might have been. I want to attempt it with her again. I think that if we're both very balanced with ourselves, we could start a new relationship and see where it takes us. I made a mistake by telling her my thoughts on this. She didn't know what to say. She didn't think I would ever talk to her again, let alone date her, after she acted so negatively towards me. She said that there is a very slight chance that it might happen, but she would just want to be friends with me in the future. I want to fight for her love though, like I said, I don't want any regrets. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Should I be feeling this way? Is it a good idea if I try to get back together with her? Sorry for the long entry, but I'm struggling with this decision. Who knows, maybe I should just wait until the time seems right.

((((((tellybox!))))))

I'm glad things seem to be some better for you and that you're able to talk with your ex now.

As for deciding whether you want to pursue trying it with her again, I don't know what the answer is. On the one hand it could be more painful, but if you think you'd always regret not trying to pursue it again then that's a reason to do it. I did try to get back together with my ex when we first broke up. I probably should have waited a while before trying, but I was miserable when we first broke up. At any rate, we didn't get back together. I guess we're now seriously apart, not even talking at all. I distract myself with lots of other things (including this forum!).

But there's nothing wrong with wanting to get back with her in my opinion. Who knows what the future will hold. If you do a lot of stuff for yourself in the meantime, you might be able to deal with things better if it turned out you were not going to get together again, or even if you decided you didn't even want to try again. And I guess I'm just kind of rambling around here, not that helpful. I figure if you're working on improving yourself (me working on myself), everything's bound to get better some way or another. Just hard to know what the path will end up being.

Sorry about the whole "choosing sides" thing with the friends. I guess that always happens and it's uncomfortable even when they're taking YOUR side. Sounds like your ex is probably just going wild for a bit. It's hard not to get kind of crazy when a serious relationship first ends.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. I don't know if that was helpful or not, but I'm thinking about you and hope things are getting better.

Sidony

I agree with you Sidony, this forum is a great distraction, lol. It's nice to come and here and receive advice from people going through the same problems. How are you doing? Are the days getting easier for you? It's been getting easier day by day over here. I still miss her sometimes, but it passes quickly enough. I'm still undecided if I want to reconnect with her one day, but I guess my decision will come in time. Let me know how're doing. I think about you each day, wondering how you're coping. Keep smiling

Thanks tellybox!

I think about you too. I'm glad things are getting easier. I guess they are for me too. I'm famous for staying distracted. Just once in a while I remember something or see something that reminds me of him. And then I'm sad for a while. But mostly I think I'm moving on to a new epoch in my life and wondering what it'll be like.

There's no need to decide right now whether you want to reconnect or not! Just wait and see how you feel later on.

Take care and I hope things keep getting easier....

Sidony

Well, it's been almost a month. I just started taking Cipralex for the depression. Doctor and my counsellor felt I should go on it, it would be a great help to me. I agree with them. I'm slowly moving on, but when I hear about her, or even see her, I have a panic attack. And I still feel bad about the relationship sometimes. Hopefully, with this anti-depressant, I can get somewhere positive.

I've been keeping busy. I was acting in a play for awhile. It was a great venue for getting out my emotions. Now, I have some schoolwork to finish up. My classes finish this Thursday, then I can go home for the summer. Yipee!

Take care all,

Taylor

if she's not the girl you fell in love with now, she isn't gonna be again. You love the old her, not the her of now. Give it up and find someone who possesses the qualities that you seem to enjoy.