[lunatic soul]

I dont know how it shoulb be and maybe its my fault but I got together with my current boyfrien three mounths ago. I was virgin. We had sex for the first time when I knew him for only two weeks and it was always painful and horrible for me. He knew I was innocent.
I started to avoid from him because he all the time wanted sex. He told me that Im not okay and its not normal that I dont wabt sex with him because every women want it. I wabted sex all the time but it was too painful for me. He was mad and told me that he will find another girl because Im sick if we had sex that rarely. He told me that he was too patient to wait for me and he cant wait anymore. He forced me to have sex with him and I did it just because hemade me feel that Im sick if I cant do this.
I feel disgusted. I feel hurted.
He needs sex and I know that if I am with him I must do this but I feel like Im doing a job.

I dont understand who is wrong. Im attached to him but he kills everything with his words. I want to be okay thats why I break myself to do it. It makes me want to die.

[TheWell]

This is not a healthy relationship. A man who loves you does not want to hurt you. He is hurting you. Have you considered therapy to talk about this? Do you know that there are men out there who won't force you or hurt you? There are men out there who will only treat you with loving kindness.

I think it's time for therapy to figure out why you stay with a man who treats you like this.

[Bill3]

The way he speaks to you, and the way he acts, are both very wrong.

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by TheWell

This is not a healthy relationship. A man who loves you does not want to hurt you. He is hurting you. Have you considered therapy to talk about this? Do you know that there are men out there who won't force you or hurt you? There are men out there who will only treat you with loving kindness.

I think it's time for therapy to figure out why you stay with a man who treats you like this.

I want to leave him all the time but I cant.. one day I said to him that its over but soon I started to cry and went back to him.

I think its my problems and he is just normal man but I am sick woman. Every man wants sex, its normal. I wanted sex untill the day I slept with him.
Deep inside I agree that Im not okay and I hope that he can change it. Im afraid if I left him it happened again with another man. He said that relationships between man and woman is sexual too and its right but when he forces me to do it, its hell.

I lost belief that I could ever enjoy sex, its always so painful. I was thinking about finding another man but Im afraid that everything could be worse.

I have stupid hopes that everything could be okay with him. He says all the time that he is so good to me and do everything I want but I dont care about him.

I really dont know what to do. I hate myself.

[winter4me]

This is NOT your fault. You might want to see a doctor to figure out why intercourse is painful but this "boyfriend" is no friend. No one should have sex just to keep someone around, he is being emotionally, and even physically/sexually abusive. You need kindness, and time to get to know someone-----please be good to yourself, let him go. It will hurt but you have to tell someone else, not him, how you feel, and have something to do, someone to call when you begin to doubt yourself. You will feel better, and stronger when you can stand up for yourself and tell him NO, and Goodbye. I am sorry your first experience was so painful and negative. What he says is not true. But, he will keep on saying it...you can't change him. We all imagine how it could be/should be, you will be losing a dream, a fantasy, not the real thing.

[kaliope]

he is the one who is wrong here. everything he is telling you is a lie to make you feel guilty so you will have sex with him. he is damaging your selfesteem. the only thing wrong with you is the fact that you don't think you deserve someone better. not all men are like him. he is an abuser. he is controlling you to get what he wants. therapy will help you understand why you feel you are deserving of this treatment.

[lunatic soul]

Thank you all. I still cant believe that he is the one who does wrong, I cant believe Im okay. Every man I ever dated always wanted sex. Its so normal but I.. I feel raped but I let him do it because I want to be normal and if I cant have sex it seems like Im not normal. Maybe its all just a lie he ttold me but it seems its true. If man or woman cant have sex its sickness.
I think its painful because I dont want it. Or I want it but not when we do it.

I dont know if I could talk about this to ttherapist. I told him little about these relationships abd started to feel worse.
I think Im gonna see female T because I think that my T like all men agree with my boyfriend and think that I am sick. I dont know what my T thinks but he was shocked when I told him I am virgin but maybe he forgot it. Im 23.

[~Christina]

If you still have not resolved your feelings about your T and love for him , your not likely to be able to move on with another man..

What the boyfriend did is terrible and wrong. You might do yourself well to end it with him and process the love your wanting from your T that he will never be able to return to you.

Dont allow ANY man to make you feel like you HAVE to have sex with them unless YOU want too.

Take care

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

He was mad and told me that he will find another girl because Im sick if we had sex that rarely. He told me that he was too patient to wait for me and he cant wait anymore. He forced me to have sex with him and I did it just because hemade me feel that Im sick if I cant do this.
I feel disgusted. I feel hurted.
He needs sex and I know that if I am with him I must do this but I feel like Im doing a job.

You feel like you are doing a job because it is exactly true.

Why would you want to do that job?

Are you being paid for it?

No, you are not.

Are you being at least verbally appreciated for it?

No, you are not.

So why are you doing this job? He is not into you. A man who is into you would not say: "Oh well you cannot do this job so I am onto another girl who can". Since he has said it, conclude that he is not into you that much and stop seeing him altogether.

Your body and mind are not stupid - trust the signals that they are sending you! Your body is in pain and your mind is telling you that sex with this guy is a job and not a pleasurable activity. Take these two signals - pain and feeling that you are doing a job - as your truth, and act accordingly.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

I dont know if I could talk about this to ttherapist. I told him little about these relationships abd started to feel worse.
I think Im gonna see female T because I think that my T like all men agree with my boyfriend and think that I am sick. I dont know what my T thinks but he was shocked when I told him I am virgin but maybe he forgot it. Im 23.

If you are already 23 and have been in therapy for awhile, your beliefs about what the T would think are pretty shocking.

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

If you still have not resolved your feelings about your T and love for him , your not likely to be able to move on with another man..

What the boyfriend did is terrible and wrong. You might do yourself well to end it with him and process the love your wanting from your T that he will never be able to return to you.

Dont allow ANY man to make you feel like you HAVE to have sex with them unless YOU want too.

Take care

I have/had feelings for my boyfriend too but he hurted me so much. I dont know why are you talking here about feelings for my T, yes I have it but it doesnt mean that I cant have feelings for anyone else.

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

You feel like you are doing a job because it is exactly true.

Why would you want to do that job?

Are you being paid for it?

No, you are not.

Are you being at least verbally appreciated for it?

No, you are not.

So why are you doing this job? He is not into you. A man who is into you would not say: "Oh well you cannot do this job so I am onto another girl who can". Since he has said it, conclude that he is not into you that much and stop seeing him altogether.

Your body and mind are not stupid - trust the signals that they are sending you! Your body is in pain and your mind is telling you that sex with this guy is a job and not a pleasurable activity. Take these two signals - pain and feeling that you are doing a job - as your truth, and act accordingly.

I thought he is into me. He did everything for me and sex was a price to pay. I know it sounds horrible but I feel this way. He has strong influence on me. He explained me many times why he needs it and that everyone would laugh at us knowing we did it so rarely. He told me how relationships should be. I just tried to be normal.
Maybe job wasnt the right word. He presses me to do it when I dont want it. Maybe I wanted it if he didnt force me.
I know he will leave me if I wont sleep with him, he told me this. I said its not love but he said - Im sorry but I am man and I need sex, I will become old waiting for you.

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

If you are already 23 and have been in therapy for awhile, your beliefs about what the T would think are pretty shocking.

Maybe but this is how I feel. T was shocked that Im virgin so it makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Men always think so. Can men even understand it? I think no.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

I thought he is into me. He did everything for me and sex was a price to pay. I know it sounds horrible but I feel this way. He has strong influence on me. He explained me many times why he needs it and that everyone would laugh at us knowing we did it so rarely. He told me how relationships should be. I just tried to be normal.
Maybe job wasnt the right word. He presses me to do it when I dont want it. Maybe I wanted it if he didnt force me.
I know he will leave me if I wont sleep with him, he told me this. I said its not love but he said - Im sorry but I am man and I need sex, I will become old waiting for you.

Why is he lecturing you on how relationships SHOULD be? Since when is he an expert? Since then is there a "should" in it?

He himself is HIGHLY ABNORMAL. A normal man would not press you to do sex because... it would not be fun for him. Having sex with a girl who does not like it for a NORMAL man is no fun. A NORMAL man who is into a woman wants to at least not make her unhappy from having sex. Neutral ok, pleased better, but not unhappy. A NORMAL man wants the woman to be reasonably happy from having sex with him, just as a NORMAL woman wants the man to be reasonably happy.

Your bf is not normal.

I think you need to tell all of this to the therapist and discuss whether you have self-defeating personality traits with the T.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

Maybe but this is how I feel. T was shocked that Im virgin so it makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Men always think so. Can men even understand it? I think no.

I see your point. Yes, being shocked was not cool, but that is not a reason to think that this T is representative of all T's or all men.

Also, in defense of your T, maybe he felt shocked because you look like a woman who has had sex. In other words, his feeling shocked is not to be interpreted as an indication that something is wrong with you, but simply an indication that you are not normal in the statistical sense. There is nothing wrong in not being normal in the statistical sense. geniuses are not normal in the statistical sense.

If you want to challenge your T, and I think you should, look up the tables that show the distribution of sexual debut age in women in your state, if they are available, and if not, look up national tables. From those tables you would see that, say, by age 23 X% of women have had their sexual debut, and Y=(100-X)% have not. Clearly, Y is going to be less than 50%, but I bet it will not be 1%, either. So get that number and tell the T: "You know what? When I told you that I was a virgin (I no longer am but that is a topic for another session), you looked so shocked that I started thinking that perhaps I had turned into a crocodile right before your eyes. Then I went home, did a bit of digging, and learned that I had not turned into a crocodile - Y% of women my age were in the same boat with me. Can you please tell me why the news shocked the hell out of you /or/ shocked you very much /or/ made you appear shocked?"

[lunatic soul]

Hamster-bamster I will replie to both of your posts here.

Are you man or woman?

I would want that this what you said is true but Im so confused that I dont know what to think now.

I dont know if I could talk to my T about it but maybe I should. I dont think he would be honest with me. When I told him I am virgin he said somethig like- oh really I cant believe you are virgin, why? My friend told me that I look like a woman who man easy can have.

One of the stupid reasons why I like my relationships with mu bf is that I can live without my parents. Its too miserable to live with parents if you are 23 years old, isnt it? But I dont have enough money to live on my own. But the truth is that I still live more with my parents not with my bf because its nightmare to have sex with him everynight I spend with him.

Im afraid he could use information he knows about me against me.

The worst thing is that I might be pregnent and I think it was his plan . I dont want to go into details but his behaviour made me think this way. I said - abortion would be horrible so be honest with me. When I said that word- abortion he said- stop talkingthat negativly! I said- dont hope you will make another oone baby (he is father of 3 babies). I took the pill but its not 100% safe.

I know he was done so much harm to me but I dont believe I would find better one because all men seems the same.

When I told him that sex is painful he said that its only at the begining but if we will do it often everything will change.
I told him I want to die, he said - lets do it, I cant help you if you are sick.
When I confessed Im addicted tto drugs (all my friends know it except him), he said - oh thats the reason why you dont need sex, you have something better! I said I dont want to talk to him anymore and he said- who cares, I was honest thats all, I cant even be honest.

But... I cant lleave him. Call me stupid but I cant leave him. I still have iillusion he is perfect guy and I couldnt find anyone better.

I still think I couldnt talk about tthis with my T. How can he help me. Its hard tto talk about my relationship and sexual issues if Im in love with my T too.

[hamster-bamster]

I am a woman in my mid 40-s. Sorry, I used to have it in my signature before. I will add it back. I know it is hard when you cannot tell the gender by either the name or the avatar. Point taken.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

Hamster-bamster I will replie to both of your posts here.

Are you man or woman?

I would want that this what you said is true but Im so confused that I dont know what to think now.

I dont know if I could talk to my T about it but maybe I should. I dont think he would be honest with me. When I told him I am virgin he said somethig like- oh really I cant believe you are virgin, why? My friend told me that I look like a woman who man easy can have.

One of the stupid reasons why I like my relationships with mu bf is that I can live without my parents. Its too miserable to live with parents if you are 23 years old, isnt it? But I dont have enough money to live on my own. But the truth is that I still live more with my parents not with my bf because its nightmare to have sex with him everynight I spend with him.

Im afraid he could use information he knows about me against me.

The worst thing is that I might be pregnent and I think it was his plan . I dont want to go into details but his behaviour made me think this way. I said - abortion would be horrible so be honest with me. When I said that word- abortion he said- stop talkingthat negativly! I said- dont hope you will make another oone baby (he is father of 3 babies). I took the pill but its not 100% safe.

I know he was done so much harm to me but I dont believe I would find better one because all men seems the same.

When I told him that sex is painful he said that its only at the begining but if we will do it often everything will change.
I told him I want to die, he said - lets do it, I cant help you if you are sick.
When I confessed Im addicted tto drugs (all my friends know it except him), he said - oh thats the reason why you dont need sex, you have something better! I said I dont want to talk to him anymore and he said- who cares, I was honest thats all, I cant even be honest.

But... I cant lleave him. Call me stupid but I cant leave him. I still have iillusion he is perfect guy and I couldnt find anyone better.

I still think I couldnt talk about tthis with my T. How can he help me. Its hard tto talk about my relationship and sexual issues if Im in love with my T too.

I'm sorry to hear of your issues. It sounds to me as if your boyfriend can't be trusted for anything. I'd advise seeing a doctor about the painful sex, birth control, and std testing.

[hamster-bamster]

I am not up to date on your T's. Is the current T the one you are in love with? Or one of the former T's?

I understand the motivation behind your living with the bf part-time - you want to be on your own and independent of your folks, and yet you cannot afford it presently. This is understandable. However, if you dig deeper, what you want is probably not just formally not living with the parents, but feeling that you are independent of them. So right now you are trading dependence on the parents for dependence on the bf. You are still not independent. You have only changed whom you are dependent on.

Another thing that might be lurking in the background is status. Maybe you want the status of a coupled up gal who does not live with the parents. Could that be at play?

With sex and men, the unifying thread that goes across your posts is treating sex with men as something extra special that does not obey the rules of how things generally work.

Sex is extremely special in only one aspect - vaginal intercourse is still the main way that our species propagates.

Other than in that admittedly critical aspect, sex is not that special. I am not familiar with the more edgy kinds of sex (power play etc.) but am familiar with the regular sex. It more or less follows the general rules of behavior and relationships. Say, kids playing in a sandbox learn to share toys from time to time and to play with those toys together from time to time. Adults having sex take turns pleasuring each other from time to time and engaging in mutual acts from time to time. What that means is that if you drop your idea of sex and relationships with men as something extra special, you will find yourself equipped with both tools and communication techniques for dealing with sexual issues because you have had many years of dealing with friends, parents, classmates, and the like. You were not born yesterday and you have plenty of knowledge, intuition, and skills. Just apply them.

btw is the bf charismatic?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

Im afraid he could use information he knows about me against me.

When I confessed Im addicted tto drugs (all my friends know it except him), he said - oh thats the reason why you dont need sex, you have something better!

LS, when you say you are afraid that he will use the knowledge against me, are you referring to drug use?

[hamster-bamster]

I just noticed that in the thread title, the bf is a jerk, but inside the thread he is a perfect guy. That is why I am wondering if he is extremely charismatic and can put a spell on you even though in the back of your mind you know what is going on. The contrast between a jerk and a perfect guy is sharp.

[lunatic soul]

Its splitted feelings. He presents himself like perfect guy, he gives me everything and he reminds me all the time what good he did to me but I make him feel like a monk.
He looks perfect from the outside. The only bad thing he does to me is forcing me to have sex what seems normal.
I feel like he is a jerk because he hurts me so much but at the same time I think its all my fault. If I liked sex with him, everythinh would be okay. I feel so confused about it. Tommorow I will meet my friend and talk about it, its nice to have friend with who I can talk about those things too.
One more thing which makes me think that Im the one who is wrong is that one of my friends (boy) told me that its logical that man needs sex and if he cant get this from me, he will search for it anywhere else.

Yes Im in love with my T. Is it so important? Many people have crush on their Ts or some kind of attachment.

[Webgoji]

Your boyfriend is abusive. You need to leave him.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

Its splitted feelings. He presents himself like perfect guy, he gives me everything and he reminds me all the time what good he did to me but I make him feel like a monk.
He looks perfect from the outside. The only bad thing he does to me is forcing me to have sex what seems normal.
I feel like he is a jerk because he hurts me so much but at the same time I think its all my fault. If I liked sex with him, everythinh would be okay. I feel so confused about it. Tommorow I will meet my friend and talk about it, its nice to have friend with who I can talk about those things too.
One more thing which makes me think that Im the one who is wrong is that one of my friends (boy) told me that its logical that man needs sex and if he cant get this from me, he will search for it anywhere else.

Yes Im in love with my T. Is it so important? Many people have crush on their Ts or some kind of attachment.

I see. If you have a crush on your T, why don't you tell him that? They are supposed to have been educated and trained to handle that.

You wrote that the guy tells you all the time what good he did for you. You then wrote that the only bad thing about him is that he forces sex on you. Really? That he forces sex on you now, in light of what you have written about him, seems to be a minor issue. Non a non-issue, but a minor issue. A guy who is telling you all the time what good he did for you must be annoying as hell! If you are not annoyed, THAT is what needs to be discussed with the T, and since that kind of thing involves sex only tangentially, you should have no trouble bringing it up with the T. You lack some very basic, core self-preservation instinct. Something is missing. I was like this - the context was somewhat different, but still, I allowed a guy to tell me how good he was for me... a rescuer, almost... and first, when I finally revolted, it was against that in reality he damaged me a lot - almost caused my death. But now I see that even if it were true that somebody does something good for their partner, rubbing it in STILL would be bad behavior.

And your friend (a boy) is clueless as well. Why are young people so clueless these days... unbelievable.

If anybody tells you that they NEED sex, politely suggest that they go someplace else, because it is not your role to satisfy NEEDS. Tell them that you only deal with men who DESIRE you, FANCY you, etc., but NOT NEED SEX FROM YOU. Tell them to go find a way to satisfy their needs because you are not in that kind of business, but thank you very much for the offer unfortunately we are not a match and I wish you luck in your future endeavors... that kind of thing.

You also keep talking about normal vs not normal on the thread. So you are concerned about where you are on the normal vs normal line. I can tell you that your idolizing him for everything he does except for the sex issue is completely abnormal. Maybe that idolization is linked to your crush on the T - you do not seem to have relationships with real people, but more with idealized images of them in your mind. That you do not get annoyed when the bf elevates his status in all possible means seems to be a signal that you had to tolerate bad conduct as a child and became desensitized to it. A normal woman would find your bf's self-congratulatory style nauseating, and that would not be a cerebral, conscious, intellectual reaction - it would be a physiological reaction... a response to a gut feeling she trusts...

[lunatic soul]

H B, maybe you are right and I hope you are but I disagree with yyour comment that I idealise relationships.
I had only one bf who I wanted to f*** me but our relationships ended too fast and we didnt have sex what I regret now because I wanted him.
Now Im attracted to my T and also want my T to f*** me, his touches was like heroin but I cant be with him and I felt so lonely, broken and stupid.
Then I met my current bf. At first I really wanted sex, I thought it will help me and make me happy. My boyfriend was so nice to me at first. He was okay I work and study and cant see him more then twice a week (okay he always are unsatisfied about it), I didnt want to go to his city so he got apartment where we can live and he pays for it and buys food etc (and are unsatisfied), he says Im the girl he wanted all his lifetime and Im his dream but I have only one bad thing- I dont like sex. He blames me spending money because of me saying that he can give me anything but he needs sex. Sometimes I feel like a *****. I dont know how relationships should be. When we had sex he told me - you are wonderful, I love you so much.
Its not annoying that he says what good he did to me, its depressing... I feel like je takes away all my energy.
My best friend told me that I just need someone but not him but I feel attached to him. Maybe not him but situation that he is. He is always ready to see me. Any day and any time.
I feel so miserable being alone esspecially if Im in love with my T.
Its so difficult... I dont know what I want and Im afraid tto make a mistake.