Non Speaking Husband

You said you quit full time job and got part time job, and can contribute little.

He was paying for everything including your school, and then also had to do stuff around the house, perhaps in his mind that was unfair. Instead of discussing with you he blew up.
Maybe he complained elsewhere likely to his parents but not you!

I understand that you discussed masters prior to doing so but it doesn't mean anything. Most people (adults especially married ones) work full time, maintain household and many raise children AND are in masters programs. Sure it would take slightly longer than if you quit job but most people nowadays can't afford that.

I think lack of communication ( not lack of simply talking) killed this marriage

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I came across this article Seeya and thought it would be interesting for you to read.

The Narcissism Debate: Is It Selfish to Love Yourself? | Lindsey Smith

If you are with someone who is "obsessive" and needs too much perfection and praise, then the relationship "will be" that of having to "please" the other person and being blamed when that person is not happy or you disagree with him/her. My wife has to be XYZ, my house has to be XYZ, I need to look like XYZ, I need to be XYZ at work, I need lots of praise because I am very hollow and vulnerable inside. There really isn't a "together" in a relationship either, instead it becomes that of constantly filling the partners void and need for perfection and praise.

Your husband may have said "he bought that house for you", but you now know better right? What I have been hearing from you is "its all about HIM" and not you. He did not finish school right? Why, because he could not achieve perfectly and get praise? Your going back and achieving is a threat to "his" ego, that is typically how it goes, that is NEVER healthy. These type of individuals end up wearing a partner (even their children) down into feeling they are not good enough or are at fault somehow, after all, if their partner feels guilty, then they don't have to.

My input is not about "labeling or diagnosing" either, you said you want "truth", I respect that.

Also, you said you are going to be a coach and teacher right? I consider that a very important and influencial job. A good teacher and coach will help students learn how to respect "self" in healthier ways, not to feel bad if something isn't perfect, but to continue to learn and self improve as well as encourage team mates to do the same.

When you finish school, and take time to think about your relationship, and you sit with a therapist you will get a chance to take a good look at what your relationship really means and "if" it is a relationship that is healthy for "you". What you learn is something you can also pass on to some of your students so it can be a win/win scenario for you.
Unfortunately, there is way too much narcissism taking place out there now, too much desire for "perfection and praise for that perfection" taking place.

Don't beat yourself up for not knowing the warning signs either, allow yourself to "learn" and yes, see the "truth" too. Understanding that if relationships somehow don't work out, it's not necessarily "your fault". You were the one who chose to leave and let "him" stay in the house, it's important you learn "why" you did that, often that can mean you aready "did" have a deep subconscious feeling about this relationship and were already giving in too much. That's ok, it happens, but you need to understand "why" and learn how to improve that for yourself.

((Hugs))
OE

Three days and counting!!

Thank you. Tomorrow is the final day of class. I am done and so excited. I continued to get straight A's, ride a roller coaster without seat belts, my team went to the play offs and is now done, work, and continued with a crazy life.
Yes, blame and anger. He says its all my fault and today is still upset how I found out about the house being in his name only. At this point it really doesnt matter. Its public record. Since the day I told him about finding out about the house, he has dwelled on it asking a bunch of questions. A few people asked how can he throw you out of your own house when your married and its in both your names (so I thought). My mom asked the same question. Since my mom is one that asked me the question. He now is telling me he lost respect for my mom. She should of never of asked and he will never go around her.
Anything that happens is my fault but Im not worried anymore. In my eyes I made it through the hardest part if my life.

Steroids. I don't know. He usually doesn't take aspirin or will take anything but at this point I have no idea. I wish I could answer that for you.
Thank you

Oh, I am so happy for you and you did so well too, good for you.

Hmm, he is obcessing about how you found out that he tricked you with the signing off on the house? That is another red flag, he is only angry when "his control" is questioned, even now angry at your mother too. He sounds very unstable and even paranoid too. Please be careful, the last thing you need is him acting out his pent up anger and deep fears on you. Let him think he has control for now so you can finish school and figure out what you want to do next. Don't play up finishing school or give him anything to feel jealous or inadequate about. Build "him" up some if you can, "Oh honey, thank you SO much for helping with school, I will pay you back so you can get something nice for your lovely boat or do something for "you". If he asks about your mother, just keep your answer something like, "oh she's just being a mom, what does she know?"

I think he is terrified you are going to abandon him and he is testing you in bad ways too, very unhealthy ways, so do your best to keep him calm. If he pushes the house topic, just say you are fine with it, after all, he bought it and pays the bills etc. Don't say you are hurt either, if he is a narcissist he won't respond well to that, could even make him angry and suspicious.

I suggest you keep things as calm as possible until you can meet with a therapist and talk about what is going on. None of us here are professionals, I am not diagnosing him either, that is for a professional to do. For all I know he is overwhelmed and very insecure and frightened inside and he doesn't know what to do with these challenging emotions either, some people can get very angry when that takes place, so it's better not to provoke that to take place and keep things "calm" if you can.

People are very complex, react to things in ways others may not understand, a lot has to do with how they can manage their own emotions, some just really struggle with things they have never talked about but are challenged with on a deep level they keep to themselves. He has expressed this in a big way with you when he did not want you to see him struggle yet curled up in a ball too.

My therapist told me he had a breakdown, a bad one and had to sort through his deep challenges with a therapist himself. Some therapists do experience that, don't realize their own problems until they break, however some actually heal while they help others heal. Unfortunately a lot of men "think" that having to get help to let it out means someone is weak, they are often told that by their parents, or even society too. Yet, because my therapist knows first hand how it feels, he has helped me a great deal, helped me be "ok" with expressing my own very challenged feelings that others around me kept dismissing which only made me worse.

Some people carry very deep wounds, want to love but are actually terrified of it so they push it away. Those who get help can work through it, yet others never do and they get mean and push people away to "self protect".

So go "easy" with him and after tomorrow get some help. You know, it's ok to learn about these challenges, no one is expecting you to "just know".

((Hugs))
OE

definately get him to a doc and theraist. and fast

Congratulations on getting your degree! Big accomplishment

At this point it doesn't matter what he wants and what he complains about. It is your choice but I would kick him to the curb like yesterday and it is coming from somebody who puts up with a lot.

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He isn't a child for her getting him anybody.

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Congratulations on your degree! Major kudos to you for getting all straight A's even under so much pressure.

If anything, your mom would lose respect for him rather than the other way around... he was trying to trick you and just because he got caught red-handed means it's someone else's fault? Makes no sense to me.. but it doesn't sound like he's going to change the way he thinks about this.

Notice that it's always someone else's fault. Not his own.

I said it wrong.
I told him that I didn't like how he treated me, but he replied that it was only my fault. None of this would of happened if I would of done the "wife" duties.
As of today, he still believes in his mind that I ruined his life. We seen a elderly couple the other day. I said they're so cute their jackets match. His comment back was they're married and miserable. No marriage is happy.
In his eyes no couple that is together is happy. They all lie and are miserable. He doesn't like anyone and hasn't in a while. He don't talk to any of his friends but one and that's because he uses him for the gym. His new friends just turned 21.
His behavior was very sudden. I know people think I was blind but I wasnt. Now his new complaint is what made me think to find out about the house. He dwells on it. Friends and family asked and that made me look it up. At this point its done but he cant let it go. I wonder if there is something else he could be hiding. So he mentioned that he lost respect for the friends that asked me and my parents.
I finish my masters tomorrow!!

Thank you.

Yes he is very angry and really has no reason. When I was explaining to him that I should be mad about the house, his rolled his eyes and said if your mom wouldn't have suggested if you were on the house. None of this would of happened. He doesn't like anyone. It's really sad because he was a happy fun type of guy.
I wonder if there is something else he is hiding that I need to know. Because he keeps bringing it up. I already told him that the house is not in my thoughts.
I don't mention school but I did tell him that I was done tomorrow. He said "cool". He does know that I'm always on the computer writing papers but as of tomorrow I wont be.
I don't say to much. When I have, he gets mad and turns it around to make it look like poor him. It has not once been about my feelings or pain. I'm not the type that brags about school or anything else but yes I have been saying it here to everyone to give them an idea of how much longer. They've been with me through this from start to almost finish. I sure do appreciate it.
All this happened four months prior to finishing school but he never said a word. If in fact he thinks are problem was me not cooking. Then why does he cook now? Its because he always has. That is what he has always done. Its like before. I don't know if he doesn't realize that what he said is not matching up with him liking to cook. In the past, we both cooked and he never made a big deal out of it.
I know he has issues with his emotions. He has mentioned to me that his emotions have to heal and it will take some time. He made me so mad the other day I told him to sleep in another room. He finally went. I told him yesterday he can come back in the main room. He said NO, I'm mad at you for kicking me out. He has to do things on his terms and when he says. Almost like a spoiled child.
I did mention that I was hurt by his comments and actions (in general). He got mad and said I dont know If I want to be married. That's when I asked him to go to the other room. Yet the next day he asked If I wanted to go shopping. Of course, I didn't. I don't like when someone gets mad then tries to buy me something.
I'm not telling him that I'm seeing a therapist. It angers him and say they're for the "weak", yet he is the one that really needs to talk to someone that can help him sort out his issues.
One thing I wonder about is he called me at work and asked who knew about our problems. I said no one other than my family and his. He said I needed to tell my family not to be telling anyone because he doesnt want anyone to know. No one has said a word so I'm not sure why he would care??
I know there is something going on with him but only he can help himself. I stay very low key right now with him (eggshells).

Exactly. I wonder why he thinks its ok to be mad at my mom because she made a statement. When I first approached him with the house he just rolled his eyes and still does but doesn't wonder why I'm mad. At no time have I been mad about the house, I'm hurt by what he did and only wonder why? What went through his mind to do something like this?? Yes he continues to put more blame on me but I think he is covering himself. A lot of other women would have walked away the day they found out about what he did with the house.

Yes, you are defintely walking on eggshells. IMHO, he is showing signs of being paranoid and yes he does need help. Yes, I know he is "afraid" to get help, he is terrified of being judged.

I am even thinking he is in "fight/flight" mode too and all he knows how to do is either run from or fight in which he comes out with "blaming". I have a feeling he does have severe trust issues too. I think he took on too much when he bought this house and now is very worried about paying for it and he is also not happy at work and he doesn't know what to do about it all.

You know what? I believe you, and it could be that he is heading for a breakdown and he doesn't know what to do. He is isolating from all his friends and anyone he feels is a threat somehow. ANYONE, can experience a breakdown if they get overwhelmed like this. Often with men it can come out with a lot of anger, so that is why it's important that you do your best to keep things "calm".

The request for "shopping" had nothing to do with you, he is just looking for some kind of "something" he can do to fill this void in himself that he doesn't understand. All this talk about how "marriage is a lie" is coming from a deep place in him where it was a lie where he parents were concerned. He is trying to figure out how to "avoid" what he feels is envitable with "you" and this marriage, "failure".

IMHO, this is something that "traumatized him" deeply and while he has done the marriage thing, he is TERRIFIED that it will fail, that HE will fail at it. He is afraid he will get "abandoned", only he doesn't really understand that on a more "conscious" level.

I am wondering if he is experiencing the beginnings of a stress breakdown from this deep challenge because the behavior patterns you have been discribing "are" some of the early symptoms. The fact that he is not happy at work could be a major factor in this deep challenge all coming to a head and he doesn't know what to do about it.

At any rate Seeyalater, he could be on the verge of having a "stress breakdown", when people are on a verge of having this take place they become irrational and confused, they don't understand what is happening to them either. And "yes" they often push people around them away too. They often try to find anything they can do to reduce the stress, work out too much, disappear in the boat as he is doing, run to dad for help who fails him by telling him to "man up", to a mother who only tells him to do whatever makes him happy, well, at this point he doesn't even "know" what makes him happy. Oh, it's all your fault too, because he loves you, and somehow that hurts too much because "marriage always fails" and you will only leave him, so why believe "marriage" actually works well for people.

Perhaps he was "ok" until this thing "marriage" took place that is clearly hitting some deep challenges in him that he doesn't understand. Everything he is saying is "part of the hurt", even though it doesn't quite make sense to you. Yes, it can seem irrational and confusing to you too. Well, stress, or trying to avoid a stress breakdown, does show up in irrational behaviors like this.

My advice is to be as calm as you can and don't send any kind of "rejection" messages to him if you can. He is rejecting everyone he thinks will somehow "reject him", your mother, his friends, and even you at times, it is his only way of "self protecting", he doesn't really understand "why" either.

That is why "if" you can "thank him" for anything he has contributed, do so, I honestly don't think he is feeling much of anything actually "positive" about himself. I think when he goes to work, he tends to get handed a lot of negatives from those he works with too. Whatever he does say is part of what is bothering him that he just doesn't know "what" to do about.

I've asked him to go see a therapist. He said no. Only the weak see therapist.

Yes I can see that he has reacted that way. So, as I mentioned, you need to recognize the signs and I honestly think he does need help, all you can do is seek out help on your own and perhaps a therapist can help you with this challenge as you "do" need to take care of "you" in this situation.

It is actually not unusual for someone struggling like he is to react negatively to getting help.

Perhaps you can look up "stress breakdown" if you get a chance. I did that briefly and the one thing that it discussed is to do one's best to listen as well as help the person struggling to stay calm and what I suggested, mention what this person has done that is "good" because often their self esteem is extremely threatened. One of the symtoms it discusses is pushing friends away, which is what your husband is doing.

Sometimes it can get so bad that a person must know when a forced intervention is needed too. These are things you can discuss when you talk with a therapist too Seeya.

I think your husband is "trying" to talk about it, but he really doesn't know how, most just don't understand "what" is happening to them when they are in danger of having a stress breakdown.

He is using blaming shaming techniques. There IS a reason for his behavior, if he would tell you. I would get into therapy for YOURSELF. You cannot "fix" him, but you CAN help yourself.

I just want to say here Seeya, that while some posters may suggest being hard on him, that may be the wrong way to address this, keep in mind NO ONE is a professional here offering advice. I personally recommend that before you make any decisions that you do get "professional" advice. This way you have "help" for yourself, and you also make sure you are not hurting him in some way. I am sure you don't want to do that either. However, you do have to make sure you protect yourself because one thing I have noticed is your husband is not really thinking about "you" in what you have shared here. That concerns me. If you feel in any way threatened "leave", you need to think about your own safety.

I know nobody here are professionals. It has helped to get feedback and to talk about it.In the beginning I would ask and get a bit defensive. It would throw him back the other way. I asked him a few questions a few days ago in a low tone voice. He went back a couple of steps. Now I'm doing what I need to do to get things done. I keep busy. No he isn't thinking of me in any way. Remember the money? How I just kept spending. I still haven't spent any money. He went out and bought another big item. I dont understand why he keeps doing this.

You better be careful about those big things he's purchasing if it's not paying cash for them because any debt like that while you are married becomes also yours whether you name is on the loan or the credit. Lawyer told me as long as I wasn't separated (living in the same home) that anything purchased on credit becomes my debt also. Lawyer told me that even though I have left & live 2100 miles away 8 years ago that there are some debt that as long as I am married & not legally separated even though I have been gone this long, I could be responsible for even though my name wasn't on it & that was more like medical bills they could actually come after my farm here which was why I put it under an LLC but even that doesn't protect 100%. My lawyer said it just would take it off the radar because unless they look deeper at who is the owner of the LLD. You aren't legally separated & you are living in the same house so you aren't protected against any of his debt he creates....& yes, my marriage was in California

You might want to look at the site regarding divorce property division California being a 50/50 state not an equitable one when it comes to assets & liabilities in the divorce;
http://www.womansdivorce.com/divorce...ty-issues.html

If it's debt that he's creating then it's equally yours. Otherwise it's sort of stupid on his part because all those assets that he pays cash for, are still assets that are to be split in the divorce.

Hi Seeya, that advice above is worth paying attention to. I don't know anything about the law regarding these things, which is why I encouraged you to get legal advice. If your husband is racking up a bunch of debt, I'ld move quick to protect myself from that. If I was you, I would read and re-read Eskie's post above.

Soon you may have a nice income. You don't want to spend years paying off his bills. See if your state has legal separation. (Not all states do.) Like I said, I'ld get a separation, if I was you, even if I wanted to try and save the marriage. It would give you some leverage. (Frankly, I don' think there is much there worth saving, but that's up to you.) You don't want him to make a financial mess of your life that you will be over age 30 by the time you straighten it out.

He might not be buying in credit. Didn't she said he is s big saver and makes good money and saved up for the house? He might not be getting into debt. I'd ask him or look at bills carefully

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I know and I can't get through to him. I have tried and nothing works. I am going to get therapy. I have to take care of myself. Everyday is a different day. I never know what to expect.

No credit. Cash.

That's what I thought. So people worried about you getting into debt for no reason

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Thanks for the link. I read through a lot of it tonight. A lot of great information and things I didn't know.
Yes, he only pays cash. He just keeps buying but don't ask if I have gas in the car or if we have groceries. It's fine there is nothing I can do and Im not going to take any money out of our account. Why start now? I have never touched it before.