[Up.Late]

I'm not exactly sure how to explain this, but I'll do my best.

I have 2 living children, 1 deceased. My eldest is 8, Middle is 6 (diagnosed with ASD & SPD) and my baby passed away in 2010.

I don't love my eldest child. I never have. I never got to feel that bond that people explain about when they hold their baby for the first time.

Don't get me wrong though, I don't hate her. I still talk to her, I can have fun with her at times, I've tried to hide it for her whole life but she's now starting to notice it.

When I was pregnant with her I was a mess. I was in pain, not sleeping and became so depressed that I contemplated driving off a bridge. I thought it would get better once she was born. It didn't.

I tried to breast feed her and after 5 days of feeding her for 20+ hours a day I called a help line (staffed by midwives) to ask if it was normal to feed her that much. I apparently don't have a milk supply so she was dehydrated and starving.

The doctor thinks I had post-natal depression (I had suffered from depression In the past) but no-one noticed at the time so I suffered through it alone for almost 2 years.

When my second was born, she was the biggest help. My 2nd child had all sorts of minor complications, but my eldest (21 months old by then) was amazing. she helped with everything. she always did as I asked and was a great kid.

She still is a great kid. I just have no bond at all with her. Our relationship feels more like she's the kid next door rather than my daughter.

My 2nd child comes and sits on my lap, we cuddle, I can give kisses and cuddles before bed. I adore my second child. Even with all that goes with the ASD & SPD diagnosis, I've taken it all in my stride and we are so close.

When my eldest goes to bed she hugs and kisses her dad, but calls out goodnight to me from across the room. I prefer it that way. If she tries to hug me, I pat her on the back and say goodnight. If her skin touches mine I feel uncomfortable. If she was to kiss me on the cheek, I can feel the spot where she kissed me and I have to almost scrub it off.

The one thing that sticks out to me is that my eldest is exactly like me. she looks like me, acts like me, sounds like me. she's also a bigger built kid, like me. I find her to be less attractive than my 2nd child too.

my 2nd child is like my younger sister. She's pretty, petite, funny, Looks just like my sister too. same dark hair with naturally blonde streaks, same green eyes. same personality. I wondered if its less about her as a person and more about how much I dislike myself and how much I idolise my sister? (I am a very hard person to be friends with and to get along with, I'm not even sure why, I just know that I've been told that a lot in my lifetime)

She will even say that she's her dads kid and my 2nd child is my kid. She's 100% aware of how differently I treat her. I try not to show it, but its hard.

I know that I should see a counsellor but I have no idea where to start. Is there a type of counsellor that deals with people who don't like their kids? Are they going to try and take the kids away from me if I confess how much I dislike my eldest? Does this make me a bad person?

I have no idea how to go about this. Do I just ring their office? What would I say? Would I need a referral from my GP?

Sorry, I realise I'm rambling... I do that when I get emotional.

I hate that I'm such a bad mother to her. Its not her fault, she didn't do anything wrong. Its so hard to see her get excited to see me when I pick her up from school and then as she runs over to hug me & I see the look on her face in response to the look on mine, and she stops running and just says "Hi Mummy". I see the heartbreak in her eyes when my 2nd child runs over to me the same way and she sees me scoop her sister up into my arms with a smile on my face and ask how her day was. I am sick of hurting my eldest child.

[A Red Panda]

I'm sorry, but I feel soooooo bad for your eldest child. You are hurting her so much. You're damaging her, not just now, it will last her entire life. You're emotionally abusing and neglecting her.

You're teaching her that she's worthless and doesn't deserve love. After all, if her mom doesn't love her then who will? Furthermore, it's going to built resentment between your daughters. Your eldest will notice how much you love your other daughter, and it will create a wall between them.

I am glad that you're aware of this and that it's wrong.

Some of the things that you've mentioned that she notices are things that you CAN in fact train yourself to do. Yes, it might be hard. But it's the right thing to do for your daughter; you're responsible for her health and well-being, which includes emotional.

Instead of calling out goodnight to her from across the room... go sit on her bed and read her a story. You can do that with minimal physical contact. Give her a kiss goodnight.

Initiate scooping her up into a hug when you pick her up. Start making yourself do everything with your eldest that you do with your youngest. If you can do it with one you can do it with the other. Over time it should get easier for you. Maybe even you'll start to love her once you stop pushing her away.

A good motivation for you should be what you noticed between the similarities between how you feel about yourself and your sister. Do you really want any of your children to feel the way about themselves that you feel?

I'd definitely go and look up a therapist for yourself. Try to find a family one, so that they'll be more used to helping families - you can start with just yourself, and perhaps branch out to including your daughter if the therapist thinks that would be beneficial eventually. She could certainly use a counsellor herself, because she's likely not willing to talk to her dad about you just in case he starts to treat her the same way; it's a legitimate fear for her to have because you're supposed to be the two people in the world she should always be able to trust and count on to love her, and you're failing her massively in that area.

I'm sorry if anything I say sounds offensive, but I really really really feel empathy for your daughter.

[Up.Late]

She is really close to her dad and he does all the right things. He's a much better parent than I am.

I know its wrong, but when you suggested scooping her up so its the same as I do for my other child, I instantly thought that it would be easier to stop doing that all together than it would be to start it with my eldest. the thought of doing it makes me uneasy and extremely uncomfortable.

I don't neglect her though. I just wanna make that part clear. I give her everything she needs from me. Its just not as easy as with my younger child. And where I'm lacking, her dad makes up for it.

She knows that she isn't worthless. I tell her how much I appreciate her all the time. Its not like I actively avoid her, I just avoid certain contact with her. I appreciate her as a person and as an independent human being. I just don't have a maternal bond with her. its awkward with her and I.

I know this is my problem. This is not her fault. its all me. I know that.

I have always been the odd one out in my family so I don't necessarily think that its been bad for me to feel they way I do about myself. I am the eldest of 8 kids in an incredibly blended family. All 7 of my siblings are perfect so by being the odd one out I have become more resilient as an adult.

I really don't know where to start with the counselling thing. Do I just call someone? How do I know that they are the right kind of person to deal with me and my issues?

[A Red Panda]

If you say that she's noticing the difference, then it is harming her and the longer is goes on, yes, it is neglect. Saying that you appreciate her is vastly different from saying that you love her. It's great that she at least has a good bond with her dad - but she needs it from you too. And giving her all sorts of other things; good education, food, toys, etc... still doesn't mean that you aren't neglecting her. You're neglecting her on an emotional level. Avoiding contact is neglect as you're withholding affection.

How do you know that she knows she isn't worthless? My parents sure never knew that I felt that way. It was a huge shock to them when I attempted suicide at age 15 as they had no idea that I wasn't a happy person. I learned to pretend because I felt like I was the problem and I struggled very hard to try and NOT be a problem... but no matter what, I still ended up worthless as I never once recieved actual love or affection from them. If they had asked me if I felt worthless I would have lied, because it would have made me MORE of a problem. So you really can't say for sure that she knows she isn't worthless because you're the main person she would be hiding it from.

And it's good that you became resislient, but you said that you dislike yourself and idolize your sister. Your daughter is learning that same message - she's learning that her sister, who you've described as pretty and petite, is more worth love and affection than she is. So on top of everything else, you're teaching her that her appearance is likely part of why she doesn't deserve affection.

And yep, just look up family therapists or that in your area. Give them a call, arrange an initial meet. Ask them questions, tell them what you're needing help with. They'll let you know if they're equipped with the skills to help you. If you don't feel like they could be helpful, then you don't have to go with them and can find another therapist.

[kim_johnson]

Maybe it isn't that you dislike her or don't love her so much as that there is an awkwardness between you that makes things feel hard rather than naturally easy.

I mean... I prefer to think of love as... Being there. Putting food on the table and being there day in and day out. To think of love as some feeling that you get... Well... An awful lot of relationships go south when they try and base things on that.

It sounds like it is weighing on your mind that you might be hurting her... That sounds like a concern from love rather than hate, or dislike, to me.

I wonder if she might be a little Asperger's, or something like that. Whether she might be more... Peaceful. Quiet. Thoughtful. Is she one of those 'wise beyond their years' very sensitive children? I'd imagine that dynamic to be much harder than a kid who is more... Cheery. Funny. Giggly. Etc. That pleasure for her might be very low key. Subtle. It might be harder to read when she is happy vs uncomfortable.

Maybe... The thing is to try and bond with her by spending time with her... Figuring out stuff that you both like. What do you have in common? It might be that she feels more comfortable with her Father because guys are a bit more into activities rather than chattering. Though it is hard to say, I attached more to my Father... Does she like nature stuff?

I guess... I'd be thinking that I want my daughter to feel like they can come to me if things are hard for them. If they need to cry about their day, or whatever. And... I'd want to do stuff with them to make sure that they were positive about themselves. Encouraging of themselves etc. To help model that good self talk for them so they would internalise it. Doing those sorts of things... Is demonstrating love, if anything is, I reckon.

She might be sad because of... Something. I don't know.

I don't have kids so I don't know about that bonding feeling. ONe of my old keyworkers used to work in maternity mental health, though, mostly with post-natal depression. She said that there were quite a few women who felt upset that they didn't feel bonded or connected to their kids. That they were so very exhausted once they were born that they simply didn't have anything left to give to them... And that they felt immense guilt about that... She did what she did precisely to help intervene and help things much earlier...

I don't know who you should ask for help, exactly, but I am pretty sure that there are people out there who can help you. Kudos for taking the first step.

[Rose76]

Love is more of a decision than a feeling. Even in the absence of fuzzy feelings, it is possible to make the decision to treat a child well. I doubt that many parents have absolutely equal feeling for all their children. I don't think your emotional response is something that you can control, as you've found out yourself. Some kids are just the apple of a parent's eye and some are not.

You've made a decision to withhold appropriate treatment of your eldest child. Decisions can be changed. At some level you are punishing her for something. Maybe someone was mean to you as a child. Perhaps this is making you feel powerful. Withholding from someone is very much a power play. At some level, you may have sociopathic tendencies. It seems you base how you interact with your children on your own emotional gratification. You do what gratifies you with the second. You don't bother with the first if there is not emotional pay off for you. Part of maturity is responding to children based on their needs, rather than your own.

What you're engaging in is a subtle form of mental torture. Why anyone would find satisfaction in doing that is not something that I or any professional counselor could explain. But it is a fact of human nature that many human beings take perverse satisfaction in inflicting emotional pain. It's one of the mysteries of life why that is.

[kim_johnson]

Sorry... Your post has really gotten to me... Gotten under my skin, somehow. Not entirely sure how maybe I see some of me... I think I'm identifying with your eldest. And really struck by your identifying with her...

And the thought that you don't know how to help her. (you).

I'd imagine it would have been a really hard experience with her being your first child. Right when you don't know how things are supposed to go... You don't have a schema. To learn that she was starving despite your best efforts. That you didn't 'just know' what she needed... That you couldn't... Fairly automatically meet her needs.

So you kind of start out feeling like a failure with her. And it is kind of hard to recover from.

I do wonder about your other children... You said she was terrific at helping you... But I wonder if your other children might be, too. The happy bubbly one... She cheers you up, yeah? Helps you feel happy and competent... I... Really value people like that. Because I'm not like that, at all. I identify more with your eldest. Who I imagine has solemn eyes...

I think counseling could really help you. You do seem to have insight... But also seem to be really hard on yourself...

[Bill3]

The one thing that sticks out to me is that my eldest is exactly like me.

Perhaps being loving to her reminds you of being loving to yourself.

What thoughts and feelings does loving myself bring to mind? Perhaps loving yourself is very hard for you to do.

How you see yourself might be something to explore with a therapist--and I do encourage you to start seeing a therapist.

To find a therapist, you can look at this website, for example:

Psychotherapy Practitioner Directory - Good Therapy Australia

You can talk on the phone to some that look appropriate, and/or see a few for a session and find out who seems to understand you best and who you feel most comfortable speaking with.

What would I say?

Here are a few possibilities:

You could simply say you are looking for a therapist and the T will engage with you and guide the discussion.

You could tell them what is bothering you: It really troubles me that I dislike one of my daughters. A good T will know how to talk further about it.

You could print out one or both your posts here and show them to the therapist(s) you speak with.

Would I need a referral from my GP?

You could ask the Ts you contact, they will know.

[Up.Late]

Thanks everyone for the advice. And Thank you so much for the link Bill3. That's great! I now have a place to start.

I really wish I was one of those 'stepford wife' kind of mums that has everything organised and has a great bond with her kids. one of those ones who enjoys spending time making designer cupcakes with them for their school lunches... This is more debilitating than my irrational fear of spiders.

I do not enjoy this. Its almost like walking up and asking a stranger if they prefer ultra thin or ribbed condoms or if they prefer pads or tampons. its awkward and uncomfortable for us both.

the main reason that I need to get this sorted out now is that she's heading into her teen years and she is going to need me to be there for her. and I need to step up and be the mum she deserves. she can, and does, talk to me about her friends and what's going on in her life, but when it comes to boyfriends and b**chy teenage girls, she's going to need a mum who can hug her and listen to her cry. I need to be that mum.

I am just hoping to be that mum without feeling like I need to scrub the top layer of my skin off. If I cant solve my issues, I WILL still be there for her, feeling sick and creeped out, but I will be there.



I just wanted to say to Rose76 that I don't feel powerful doing this. I feel powerless. You were right when you said I have no control over the feelings that come up inside of me when she comes near. I don't.

However, when you wrote "You've made a decision to withhold appropriate treatment of your eldest child. Decisions can be changed. At some level you are punishing her for something. Maybe someone was mean to you as a child. Perhaps this is making you feel powerful. Withholding from someone is very much a power play. At some level, you may have sociopathic tendencies. It seems you base how you interact with your children on your own emotional gratification. You do what gratifies you with the second. You don't bother with the first if there is not emotional pay off for you. Part of maturity is responding to children based on their needs, rather than your own.

What you're engaging in is a subtle form of mental torture. Why anyone would find satisfaction in doing that is not something that I or any professional counselor could explain. But it is a fact of human nature that many human beings take perverse satisfaction in inflicting emotional pain. It's one of the mysteries of life why that is."

None of that is true. I certainly do not enjoy seeing her like this or having her withhold hugs from me because she sees how uncomfortable it makes me.

I am not punishing her for my own pleasure. I actually try not to be like I am, this is not something I want to continue doing. It makes me sick that I feel this way. Everyone else in the world gets to love and enjoy their kids, except me! Most mothers get to feel joy and happiness and pride when they hold their kids, I don't. I get to feel sick and awkward and uncomfortable.

I certainly do not do this as a form of mental torture. I do not find "perverse satisfaction" in feeling like this or treating her differently. I have no idea why you would think that I do. If I did enjoy it then why on earth would I be asking for help?

Ow ww! I'm sorry, it's not her fault! What ever your problem is your projecting on this innocent kid. She's suffering because of you! She doesn't deserve that. How about a therapist? She almost sounds like a rape kid, they are rejected but almost loved. I don't think you need to be cuddled, she does. Pardon me for my harsh and straight up thoughts, but she's got no protection.

I would be checking in with the closest therapist. I've been where it's like if you don't love me, give me away so the next person would...maybe.

[Up.Late]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Pardon me for my harsh and straight up thoughts, but she's got no protection.

She has her dad. he is always there for her. always.

heaps of kids get by with just one loving and dedicated parent, she has one and a half.

I am not doing this deliberately and I am trying to get help.

[avlady]

I hope i don't get anyone angry here by what i am going to say, but there needs to be more studies an couneling for women that have sufferred from post partum depression. I myself had it after my son was born. I can't even begin to explain the depths of depression i felt even those words don't come close to it. Its weird today to read this too because its his 24th birthday. I had to deal with it for a while,even years, until it went away. I am so close to him, i think the depression was seperate from how i treated him, which was good, because i had to work on it every day. i hear of some women who have killed their children during a bout of this condition, i understand it is not a thing they thought of doing out of selfishness, but because of the depths of depression that is there and they can't help themselves or may be so psyschotic from the depression too. I joined a womans group to help me cope which really helped too. I only have one child, and i would never be able to take care of 2 or more and i applaud all women that have children, even one, although i feel a bit guilty for only having one, while most of my friends had 2 or more. That is probably a good thing though because of what i went through with my son. I did have a miscarriage before him when i was 25 although too. I hope and pray you try to understand a womans pshysical and mental depression before judging another, and i'm not saying anyone here is judging. Just my thoughts!

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by Up.Late

Everyone else in the world gets to love and enjoy their kids, except me!

Like you're one of a kind? No. You're not. You haven't come up with anything original. All what you're doing's been done before.

A mother doting on one kid and not on the other is an tired, old story. Everyone knows a family like that.

[Bill3]

Up.Late, I admire the courage and seriousness of purpose that you demonstrated in posting here. I'm really glad that you are starting to get help so as to better love and care for and support your daughter. I hope that you will keep us posted!

[growlycat]

It does take courage to admit all this.

I am still pretty disturbed by this thread and hope you and your child get counseling asap--I wouldn't wait another day

[kutt38]

i feel very sorry for her.love her at any cost.try hard to make her feel that u really care.i dont understand totally how difficult it is for you.i dont have a kid.but,i know exactly how it feels to be neglected.after all she is too small.love is all that she needs.she need that in plenty from her mom.no else can replace you in her life.it hurts like hell when her love is neglected.please dont print images of self hatred in her mind.try hard to love her like she feels wanted..at any cost i would say..i can feel her pain

[Up.Late]

I am not a horrible person. I really think you have me wrong here Rose76.

If this has been done before then why can't I find help? Why are there no other mums posting about this? Maybe you are trying to demonise me because of something that happened in your past. Please stop making me out to be some kind of horrible, child hating mother who is making a big deal out of favouring one child. I WISH it was that simple.


Ok, so for those who were telling me to see a therapist, I used the link that Bill3 gave me earlier and I have sent an email off to the one and only therapist on the list in my area. Since today is a public holiday (Its Australia Day) I will have to wait till tomorrow to see if she is going to be able to help me.

Anyway, for everyone who told me I should just try harder, I am doing that too. I really do want to change and although I am feeling like a few of you only posted to have a go at me, I am taking all your advice on board.

I was in the pool with the kids today and I tried to talk to my eldest daughter a little more. I started a game, and although I could tell she thought it was weird, she eventually tried to join in. Neither of us knows how to navigate this relationship properly. I know that's all about me too, its not her fault. If I had taught her how to from the start I wouldn't be where I am now..

Tonight, while I was brushing her hair, we started talking about school and friends. She said she's excited to meet her new teacher (our kids are returning to school tomorrow after the Christmas holiday period) and she said that she wanted her dad to take her to school tomorrow.

Because I am trying to make the effort here, should I say that I wanted to take her in and get him to take our other daughter? or do I leave it and let her have what she wants? In previous years he has always taken her in because their school books and school supplies are quite heavy and he has always carried it in for her.

[A Red Panda]

No one's posting to "have a go" at you. A lot of us are posting because we had parents who acted like you do. (I say acted and not thought because none of us are mind-readers!). As the children of parents with similar behaviour to yours, we understand more completely than you do about the potential harm you're doing, and yes, that's terrifying for those who've lived through it because no one deserves it.

The main difference is that you recognize it and want to change. That is great, and you can start to repair the damage that you've already done.

Her hesitation towards joining the game you started isn't because she thought it was weird, but because she likely doesn't trust you. It's the opposite of what she's grown up to expect, and it's easy to wonder about what the "catch" is.

To help repair this, it will take a loooooottt of extra time, effort, patience, and love from your end. Which is hard for you, but basically, you'll have to put in way more effort into your eldest daughter than you would ever have to do for your youngest. Then double it, because you have to learn to overcome your own instincts, and you have to go beyond it to help her overcome her learned instincts.

You could always try looking up postpartum depression forums, or even groups in your area. Yes, it seems like it's years late - but it really isn't as it's still affecting you and your child! You just didn't recognize it (nor did anyone else) until recently.

No one has called you horrible. It is rather rare to have someone come onto the forums and admits that they're the person causing damage to another - usually it's the people who've been hurt who come seeking help. It's a bit strange (to many of us I'm sure, although not ACTUALLY strange? did that make sense?!) to hear some of the perspective that is the opposite to our own experiences.

[hvert]

It sounds like physical contact with her is a big struggle. What about taking her out for tea or to a museum, just you and her, on a regular basis? There are ways to make her feel special and loved that could be fun for both of you, even if you don't feel a particular bond with her. Does her father have any suggestions?

Do you have problems touching/being touched by other people or is it just your daughter?

When you do talk to that therapist you called, I would ask them if there are people who specialize in this kind of problem and get some names. You may need to interview a few therapists before you find one you're comfortable with.

[Koko2]

Is this some kind of self-hate as she bears a strong resemblance to you?

[tallulahxoxo]

This reminds me of how my mom treated me when I was small. Now she's had a change of heart. She wants to hug me every night before bed and exchange "I love you's".. At this point all that makes me cringe. You're a little late mom.. Good try though.

[krisakira]

I will say this... Love is more than a "feeling." Love is an action, and you can act lovingly toward your daughter even if you don't feel all warm and fuzzy. That's what is part of being a parent is. Acting out love in the best way you possibly can. and NEVER tell her this stuff, never tell her you don't love her, cause that can seriously damage her.

[scorpiosis37]

I have been in the position your eldesr daughter is in. It is the most painful experience in the world. Having a dad who did love me in no way, at all, compensated for not having a mom who loved me and watching my sister get treated with love while I was not. i got straight As, I had tons of accomplishments, friends, was considered pretty by everyone else, etc--- but I still felt worthless and unloveable. Going home at the end of the day to a house where just one person did not love me--- was excruciating. No amount of love from my dad, teachers, grandparents, etc could make up for having a mom who hatedme. It was the one, single most defining aspect of my life--- and still is now that I'm 30 years old. I'm a successful and well adjusted adult--- and yet I'm in therapy as an adult to process the emotional neglect and abuse I suffered as a child. Children who grow up like me and like your daughter have an empty "hole" that can never be filled. You cannot get a mother's love anywhere else. If it doesn't happen in childhood, the child WILL be damaged. Children who grow up in single parent families are far better off than children who grow up in two parent families where one parent is emotionally abusive and neglectful. The problem is not that the "missing" parent is absent--- the harm is caused by watching a parent hate you, shirk away from you, etc--- while giving that love to your sibling. It tells you that you are not good enough, but your sister is. I'm the one with the degrees and accomplishments (and no criminal record)-- but I still feel inside that my sister is "better" because she was loved and I was not. I will never feel differently, no matter how much time passes, because 18 years of growing up feeling unloveable changed who you are. Hearing your story fills me with so much empathy and care for your daughter, I wish I could give her a hug! If she is already feeling that pain at 8-- I can't imagine how she would feel at 18 if nothing changes. I really hope that you can get the help you need and make the decision to change. As a parent, it's about realizing that your children's needs come before your own. Her needs have to outweigh your personal discomfort.

You need to discuss this with a psychiatrist or therapist. There is a lot of backstory there with your eldest child for them to work with. I hope you can figure out what is missing for you.

[eskielover]

I never felt that bond with my daughter either. First because I really didn't want kids because I never related to them & even though they are your own, I don't believe that the motherly instinct is real......I always fought to be different than my mother. I didn't want to be that helpless female that she was, totally dependent on my father for everything. I wanted my degree & my career more than I ever wanted kids.

If it wasn't for my parents stepping up to do the care for her while I went on with my degree & engineering career, I probably wouldn't have had her in the first place (that's where I was at at that time of my life...it's definitely changed from then).

I never related to kids so I never related to my own daughter either. I had pushed away my parents because they embarrassed me to death so having close touch to my own daughter wasn't a natural feeling for me either. H related to kids better because he was the oldest of 4 & knew what to do with kids while I had been an only child & never was around babies & never had the desire....I was happier playing baseball & football & cowboys & climbing fences & trees than playing dolls with the girls in the neighborhood.

However as my daughter grew.....I was always the one there to help her fight her battles, always the one to support her during the difficult times. Turned out I'm sure that her dad has Asperger's & he was never emotionally connected to anyone even though he did a lot of care for her when she was first born....I was the one who fed her at midnight before I went to bed so she wouldn't get hungry through the night & wake up crying. I also made sure that even with my engineering career that I was at all her activities to support her. Even at 6 months old, I had a front pack with her in it while I carried a 40 lb back pack when we went backpacking into the Sierra's. She went with us everywhere & was involved in everything we did as a family....I related to her as another person, never as a baby or any of those things that mothers seem to do with babies. There were times when in college I would take her with me (I had her 10 months before I graduated with my BS) to the computer labs I had to go to & I would take her with me to choir & all my music rehearsals at church. So I was always with her when she wasn't with my parents but I never had the desire to touch & hug.....that just wasn't part of what I was made up like. But she always knew that she could come to me with any problem or anything that she needed support with & I was there & she could always call me at work with any problem. In our final home, I worked an hour away from home so I could never just come home in a hurry but was a call away for support.

I don't think that the bond that is so talked about by so many women is really necessary to be a good mother.....but being there for the support & for their problems & to be there for them to talk with & to understand what they are going through is the most important part of being a mother. My mom would listen but I knew that she had no idea what in the world I was talking about because she had lived such a sheltered life & had never experienced so many things that I was having to figure out.....I promised myself I would be NOTHING like my mother but ended up making my whole other set of problems with my way of living MY LIFE trying hard to be NOTHING like my own mother who I never respected for the way she was even though she was physically always there because she never left the house unless my father was there to drive her.

It's strange because I thought my daughter would end up more messed up than she is...her only issues is not finding a guy who is wants to get married & she refuses to have kids if she's NOT married & all the fighting that we did in our marriage gave her the wrong picture of what relationships should really be like & the personality of my H left me with nothing else to do other than fight him as he was always making stupid decisions or doing something that would end up needing me to get us out of the mess he made.

You said your youngest child is ASD? Have you ever wondered if you had ASD (Asperger's) also....you do know that it's something that is inherited. Part of the symptoms of that is not being able to be emotionally engaged with those around you & maybe you feel more of a connection with your ASD youngest child because you do relate to her on her same level?......just a thought & that would give some explanation as to your behavior with your oldest daughter also.

You don't have to do the hugging thing but it's important to be there for them to talk to & to be there at their activities to show them your support. I always thought that my daughter was closer to her Dad....but I'm the one she NOW communicates with. She hates talking on the phone but she always texts me. I left my H 7 years ago after my mother died & I could finally escape the bad marriage. I promised I would never say anything bad about her Dad to her but I did give her the facts of the things that he did/does so that if he lies to his parents about his actions at least she will know the truth....but there is no judgment....just the facts about actions. He hardly ever communicates with her. I have become the sort of stand in grandma for her BF's kids who she is a wonderful mother to. Interesting as my daughter is as good with kids as I am bad with them.....so it's not something that she learned from me & I didn't damage her to mess that ability up......I enjoy making & buying things for them & I ended up helping my daughter out with her car problems last year. I went through major depression in her senior year of high school to the point of having many suicide attempts thinking it was the loss of my career but now realizing it was the trapped feeling in the bad marriage I couldn't escape from as he fought getting any divorce & any division of property & divorce in California cost more than the money we didn't have any more after my engineering career ended when aerospace crashed in California around 1994. Even though I was home then & helped the kids from her high school get to the school that had the ROTC program....my depression kept getting worse & the more I didn't have my career to escape to from the marriage, the depression grew to the point I couldn't control it any longer & just wanted life to end.

I survived it & have been able to express how sorry I was for putting her through that & have talked to her some about it but it's hard because I don't want to put blame on her Dad but it's been only last year that I discovered the reasoning behind his behavior & have been able to share a little of what had been going on with facts, not judgment wording either & I know that understanding what helped me with the why & also helped my anger level become more rational.

In other words....sharing some of the information about your depression with your oldest daughter can help her also understand what was going on in your life. That may not happen when she is this young....but there will come a time where understanding what you were going through will help her connect with you & also better understand you......as you continue to be there to listen & to talk WITH (not TO) her.

Hope some of this makes sense...but you are NOT ALONE in not having that motherly instinct.....not all women are born with it & environment does make a difference also. If I wasn't fighting the situation I was in & the approach my H took, I might have had a closer feel toward my daughter but when I fight, I turn against what I am fighting about because I don't want people making me something I'm NOT either & I don't want them making me into something that I fought so hard NOT TO BE all my life.

I don't believe that all children who grow up in difficult situations end up damaged.....then are many who are resilient & who end up NOT being hurt....we only hear the HURT stories & not the successes.....but you are making an effort to talk & be there with her at this point. It's never too late & things do change over time & just because you weren't there when she was a baby doesn't mean that she will be destroyed especially if she does get the closeness from her Dad, or like my daughter got a lot of the closeness as a baby from my own parents (who were so much different by the time they were grandparents vs what they were when they were my parents). My daughter was close with my Dad.....& I never felt a close feeling to him EVER. He was always just someone who was in my life because he was my Dad.