I dislike one of my children. How can i fix it before its to late?

I think that what gets people's backs up against the wall about this thread is not that you are unable to bond or connect with your eldest, but that you can with your youngest.


In other words, the ability is there, its just being rationed.

I agree that you need to have regular one on one activities with her, it will help her realize that she matters too.


Just to be clear, I had issues with my daughter too, although not the bonding or touching type. I had/have no nurturing instinct. I'm not the caretaker type at all, add a complete lack of domesticity, and it was a rough first few years.


I love my daughter to bits, but I don't enjoy taking care of anyone, not even myself. I do it, but I have to hide the fact that I dislike it.

I'm not sure why I am this way, but it probably stems from the fact that I never learned how to take care of myself growing up. I was never taught responsibility, never encouraged to do anything domestic, and then suddenly at age 19 I was pregnant and had to learn how to take care of a helpless someone else.

Lucky for me I didn't have to do the caretaking thing 24/7, my mom helped out alot when she was a baby as I was a single mother working.


I knew this aversion of mine would be detrimental to her though, so when she was two, and more of an individual human being as opposed to a needy baby, I made a point to discover what she liked and joined in on those activities. Yes that meant a three year old actually taught me how to "play dolls" because I was a tomboy as a child, and it was awkward and reallllly boring, but it was worth it, thank God. Because now at age 11, we actually have so much in common, we have long talks and walks and are very connected to each other.


I doubt that our relationship would have turned out so well if I didn't make the effort to find alternate ways of expressing love while she was younger.


Ps. Hugs aren't the issue, I gave my daughter lots of hugs and she still knew I sucked at mothering, on the contrary, my mother is not a hugger touchy feely type, yet she's an awesome mother. Took care of my every need, and still mothers me even though I'm 30.

This. So much this.

Having difficulties bonding is something that can be worked around; it's not your fault that you just don't feel a bond.

But the oldest daughter is seeing love and caring given to her sister that isn't being given to her. That's what is going to do the damage. If one kid gets hugs and the other isn't....what other message is there for them to take except to learn that they don't deserve love? If the parent doesn't hug either child... then they can learn that it just isn't their parents' thing. But to see that their parent doesn't have any issues with hugging others but not them.....

(Yes, using hugging as an example. It's an easy thing to use to illustrate the points!)

I just lost my Mom last July. We always had a difficult relationship. I never felt loved in our family. Just the month before she died she came to me with regrets telling me she did really love me as much as the others. We had a moment which I'm glad we had before she died and I know I have always loved her. It's left me a bunch of emotion to process now that she's gone. I was here for her at the end, I took her to see the others, they didn't come to see her. I don't understand it.

Hey Up.Late,

I'm so thankful you decided to get help and are taking the necessary steps to deal with this issue. I'm unloved by both of my parents, so know first-hand how it feels.. I can understand the strong reactions people have had and agree with a lot of what the others here have said. At the same time, I can't help feeling sad for you for some of the harshest things people have said. I was in two minds since yesterday about replying at all as I don't want to mix my experience with that of you and your family.

First of all, I want to say I'm incredibly sorry to hear about the loss of your baby.. I can only imagine how painful that will have been for you..

What struck me in your initial post was how tough a time you seem to have had during your first pregnancy. I'm no doctor, but would imagine the depression will have had a lot to do with why you weren't able to bond with your first-born. It sounds very serious since you actually thought about ending your life.. You definitely need to be compassionate with yourself when it comes to having had to deal with something as serious as depression on your own for two long years, and as a new mum no less.. Sounds absolutely awful

A thought came to me when I read about how difficult physical closeness with your eldest is for you.. Sounds like the mere thought makes you recoil, so it probably has something to do with you being disgusted with something. I wonder if this could be about you feeling guilty about how things were when your eldest was born? You seem to focus very much on those early years and your inability to bond with her.. Do you ever feel like it's too late to become a better mum to her now, or that you don't have the right to be close to her since you failed initially? You obviously do, and need to! But maybe you need to forgive yourself first for what happened in the past..

I'm very much inclined to think the inability to bond had a lot to do with your depression, and think you need to cut yourself some slack there. You were ill. You couldn't have done any better under the circumstances. I take it it was impossible for you to get help back then? You don't sound like a mum who'd purposefully hurt their child.

The thing is, you obviously can't change anything that happened back then - you also cannot take away the pain or damage those early experiences and everything since has caused your child. You're right, it makes a difference to have at least one parent/person capable of and willing to give unconditional love. However, as you've begun to see yourself, your child will still feel and start to show the effects of what's taken place in your relationship with her.

You wrote about the time you spent with your children at the pool and how you tried talking to your eldest more and include her in play. I think these are steps in the right direction - and of course she's going to find it weird as it's something she's not used to.

I feel I need to say, though, as someone with the experiences I've had with parents unwilling/incapable of loving me that if you really want to bond with your child, you need to talk to them about how you feel, and be willing to hear how they feel. You need to talk about real stuff, the bad as well as the good. This could be a long process as you will have skills you need to learn, and I'm sure your eldest will have difficulty trusting you. I'm sure your therapist will be able to help you with this and guide you through the process. I do hope more than anything that if your child ever wants to tell you how she felt/feels about your actions or inactions, you'll be able and willing to listen. Not try to justify yourself, just listen. Validate her feelings. She's got the right to be angry, hurt, sad - I'd find it incredibly weird if she wasn't, in fact!

I feel the fact that you brought up and have wondered about seeing yourself and your sister in your own children means it's significant and will certainly get dealt with in therapy. You say you appreciate your eldest as a person and an independent human being, but it sounds like you're also seeing a lot in her that isn't actually her, and the same goes for your other child. So what if they're like or unlike you or anyone else you('ve) know(n)? How you feel about yourself or your sister or anyone else has got nothing to do with who your children are and how they should be treated. That's like my mother hating ME whenever I remind her of my dad, or anyone doubting their new BF/GF because they had an earlier relationship where their partner cheated/was violent/whatever.. It's extremely unfair to the other person.

You also say your siblings are perfect - obviously, that cannot be true since no one is.. You don't need to be a Stepford Wife either, you just need to be good enough - and know what truly matters! I wish my mum had got down to her knees to my level when I was little, looked me in the eyes and asked me how I was doing. How I was feeling. What I thought about things. What I needed. Instead, she focused on making her house look perfect, making her garden look perfect, making her kids prim and proper, making her husband perfect, her life perfect - all lies! And all the while neglecting her actual responsibilities. I hate her for it.

But your situation will get better with every step you take. This is the start of a new and better life for you and your family even though the road will be tough at times. Just keep taking those steps. You're doing the right thing. Your relationship with your lovely, precious eldest child will only get better. Hugs!!!

Yes. This I believe is a main root of the difference in feelings between the two daughters. Recognizing that root and bringing it to the light of day were both very important and courageous steps toward correcting the problem, preferably with the help of a therapist.

Thank you for all your responses. Its taken me a while to read and process them all. I ended up in tears a few times.

eskielover - I am so thankful for your reply. I felt like you were describing me in your description of yourself. You are the only other person I've ever found who was like me.

I never wanted kids. I hated how we grew up. My parents fought all the time and then my dad left and Mum was a working single parent and I spent my time at my Nans house (dads mum). She was a hard, stern and strong woman. She didn't show 'love' as you would expect. She cooked food. That was her love.

I never got along with my mum much either, My sister did. (there were only 2 of us at this stage). Once I remember having such a huge fight with mum and telling her I wanted to live with Dad, so she told me to call him and go. I called him.... and he didn't want me either. My Grandmother (mums mother) once told me that if my mum died and they asked her to take us that she would take my sister, but not me. I've been hard to live with since I was born. My Nan was the only person who could handle me being there all the time, but I even made her angry sometimes.

Now that I'm in my 30s, and they don't have to live with me, I am really close to my mum and sister. My sister is my best friend. I can tell her anything and she still loves me. She even includes me in her group of friends when she goes on 'girls weekend' holidays. It just makes it hard because we live in different states now. Although I make her mad at me when I am with her too long so its probably a good thing we live so far apart.

I see my mum all the time, we only live about 30 mins from each other. I love my mum, she's helpful and supportive, I don't get along so well with her husband. We always clash so I never spend more than a few hours near him. We just set each other off.

When I met my husband I was so surprised that someone actually wanted to be with me, to spend time with me. He was the one who wanted kids, eventually. Either way, we didn't get a choice. I got pregnant with that stupid contraceptive implant in my arm. Even my GP was shocked. I was told it was impossible.

I have always been there for Baylee (that's my eldest daughter). I have been at every concert, every netball game, dance class and every school event that she has ever been involved in, except between February 24 and October 20th 2010 - that's when I was living in the hospital with my son. I came home every few weeks to see the kids and I did take her (only her) back to the hospital with me for a few weeks, I got given a small unit not far from the hospital that they let us stay in. I am there for her, I'm just not good at it.

I think as she has gotten older that I have become more of a friend than her mother.

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was a kid. Since having my youngest daughter diagnosed with ASD I have often thought I was misdiagnosed. I am uncomfortable with people in some circumstances. I have so many SPD issues that I think I could be worse than my daughter.

Another thing about the bond with my youngest is that I haven't always 'loved' her either.. When she was born (again not my choice, this time I was taking the pill and discovered I was pregnant) I told them to take the Maori (New Zealand native people for those wondering)baby back to its mother and find my baby. (I am very fair skinned and my youngest daughter has a permanent tan)

It was only that she had so many issues as a newborn that I was at the hospital for weekly check-ups and her paediatrician noticed that I had PND and she kept a close eye on me for months and if I seemed like I was losing it she would admit my daughter & I into the hospital for observation. She was a really nice lady. I learnt how to bond with my youngest in the hospital.

Trippin2.0 - I am not much of a nurturer either, I hate taking care of myself and I am not much good at taking care of other people. Cats I get, people, not so much. I applaud you on your ability to set your own difficulties aside and learn what your daughter likes. I wish I had been so aware of my own problems earlier on and I hadn't made the mistakes I now have.

d.o.a. Thank you for your reply. I'm glad you decided to share it. Its been nice to get a little more insight from someone who has been on my daughters side. I really appreciate your ability to understand that I am not meaning to do this to her. thank you again.

Thank you also to everyone else who posted a reply to me. I am trying to take in everything that you have all said. I am trying to fix the problems I have and I am trying to not let it get the better of me. I can do better and I will keep trying until I get this right.



Well, in other news, I still haven't heard back from the therapist I contacted. I guess I'll call gain tomorrow. No harm in being persistent right?

Also today, Baylee hugged me. I freaked out, thought about all of you here and I managed to stay in the hug for about 30 seconds. It felt way longer than that and in my head I was losing it, but I held it together on the outside and dealt with her hug. I have no idea what she was thinking or feeling during it, of course, but I felt like I did a good job at hiding my feelings.

I am hoping that eventually when she hugs me that my brain wont go to DEFCON 5 and have that feeling like a small person is running around in there screaming like they are on fire...

I hope all this made sense... Its almost 2am, its been a busy day with school going back, and I'm a bit tired. I have to be up at 6 to get the kids ready for school.

I am thinking that in your subconscious mind that because this oldest daughter reminds you so much of yourself, she should be ostracized as you were. The subconscious mind is very strange that way sadly. You were trained to feel on a very deep level that something about you was unacceptable and unworthy in your own family. You are doing the same thing to this child that resembles you in so many ways. It is so bad that you can't even be touched by her? That is so sad. You have deep scars from that and you are going to teach her to have those very same scars, do you see that?

Can you get in touch with the woman who helped you bond with your youngest? Or perhaps get a reference from one of your youngest daughter's service providers to someone who helps adults with SPD? I have issues around touch - it's a different context because I don't have kids, but it's very maddening and my cringe reactions make no logical sense.

If you learned to bond once, then you can learn to do it again! It's not too late - she is still young.

I feel so so so bad for your eldest daughter. I can sympathize with her in a way. My mother had 8 kids &would disappear for days on end, she wrote us all a letter once saying that she never loved us, and didn't know how. I was very young at the time. Now that I'm older with a kid of my own, my mom is trying to be the mother she wasn't when we were young. It's a little too late to try and 'parent me' or even show me too much affection, otherwise I feel uncomfortable. But it's a relief to see that she did change over time, and she is trying to show us love now.

Now that I have my own baby, I will admit that I don't have much of that nurturing instinct either. It's hard enough for me to take care of myself. I don't even like to. But i do it anyways, because it must be done! I sympathize with you on that note.

I wonder if you have ever told your husband how you feel. Is he someone that you could talk to about your feelings? You clearly feel awful about this. Maybe having your daughter see a therapist as well would help her, since there has already been some damage done.

I'm really proud of you for staying in the hug when it makes you so uncomfortable! It's really important to not reject a child's affection. And yeah, it'll get easier. Maybe you'll never get any enjoyment from it, but at least you'll know that she's getting the physical affection from you too. The fact that she still tries to initiate it with you shows that it's something that you can repair. It helps that you put a lot of time into going to her things.

And you're totally right that there's no harm in being persistent about contacting different therapists

I want to add a suggestion that you reframe this. This thread title is that you dislike one of your kids. Is that really accurate? It sounds like you don't feel a maternal bond to your eldest, but nothing you wrote makes it sound like you don't *like* her or care about her.

When you accidentally became pregnant with Baylee, you were in a pretty dark place. Between the severe depression before, the problems with nursing her and the postpartum, you must have been exhausted. You provided for her, but you never really bonded. Perhaps you were too stressed at the time.

I believe that on a deeply subconscious level, you associate her with unpleasant feelings. A time of great pain in your life. She reminds you of yourself as a child, which you find uncomfortable because of the memories it carries for you. Baylee, though a child, can sense this unease and withdraws.

You mention having difficulty bonding with your second child. Only bonding after being hospitalized with her. Maybe that situation gave you the time that you never had with Baylee. Perhaps you received encouragement and guidance there.

When Baylee hugged you, you speak of a small person running inside of you. Who is this child?

"Hiding your feelings" What feelings? Next time you hug, ask yourself, "what am i feeling?" Trapped? Angry? Guilt? Shame? something else? Write it down.

You say that you don't love Baylee. That is a lie.

That fact that you posted your issue to a bunch of strangers, asking for understanding and help proves to me that you do.

YouTube: Brene Brown : Listening to Shame

Sorry for not replying yesterday. I've been busy with back to school and back to other activities..

I heard back from the therapist! Yay! Her response was call 1800 blah blah and ask them about fees and referrals and then, if you still want to see me, then call me. Not so yay! So I guess I won't be seeing her...

I went and had coffee with a friend today. She's someone I can talk to about anything. She's really proud of me for joining the page here. She thinks it'll be good for me to get some of my issues out.

I was explaining, to her, the feelings I get when I hug Baylee. She likened my description to what happens in her head when she feels threatened by a man (she was raped and abused in her early life)

Obviously my situation is nothing like hers, but the feelings of skin becoming prickly, the feeling of wanting to scream and pull away are all similar, even the panic I seem to go through. Sorry, getting off track. She was able to share more info on therapists in the area. yay again! So I'll start trying to call them tomorrow and see if I can speak to them soon.

I've been thinking more and more about what you have all said and how it's not about me, it's about Baylee. I'm starting to think its about me too. I'm broken. None of this is her fault at all, but maybe it's not all mine either.

Sorry, I'm not good at explaining this, it sounds like I'm trying to be the victim here, and that's not what I meant. I was thinking that this is 99% my fault and, maybe, 1% that no-one cared enough to notice that I was doing it rough. None of my doctors, no-one that I have spoken to in the past about my depression.

I have also decided that I need to try to do more with Baylee 1 on 1 (it was also a suggestion form here) so I decided to try and start slow.

I went to scouts tonight, I left my other daughter at home with her dad, and I spoke to the scout leader and have decided to become an adult helper/scout leader for the group. I realise that it's not one on one, but it's her and I, sharing activities that we both enjoy and I think we can bond over this. Well, I'm hoping so.

So if you guys have any more suggestions please let me know.

Thanks again for sticking with me through this process. It's nice to know I have support and I also have people to answer to, it's keeping me focused on the end goal.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

You are making fine progress. Well done!

I think that if you were Dx'ed with ADHD when you were young & your youngest daughter is Dx'ed with ASD, given your inability to connect emotionally, not like touch, & the trouble that you have being in touch with your emotions (even given all that horrible background you had growing up)....it might be good to go ahead & get that referral to the psychologist especially if she has the ability to assess you for ASD (as an adult). ADHD is a normal Dx along with ASD & the fact that your youngest daughter has been Dx'ed with it......it's something that is inherited & given your experiences & what you explain your life has been like....it wouldn't surprise me if there was some level of ASD that you are dealing with possibly yourself which may be why you do relate better to your youngest daughter.

Who knows, my Dad may have had some ASD or some Anti-social/anxiety thing going on with him......I had problems feeling close to my parents because THEY were so awkward around people they embarrassed me to death & I didn't want anyone knowing they were my parents.....but that sort of explains why I was unable to relate to babies because I was never around them & I didn't grow up experiencing any closeness with people because my parents didn't have friends & no social life.....I had to learn what I learned from my own experience & I was afraid to engage because I didn't want to embarrass myself.....& I didn't have nurturing come natural like my daughter does.

I have realized that it was the situation I was around that wasn't normal because at the age of 53 now that my parents died & I finally left my H, I'm finding that I relate much better to people than I ever thought I did....I still have issues with babies & really young kids....I relate much better to them when they get older & don't have that child behavior that seems to just rub me the wrong way.

I have a strange reaction when I am sleeping....if anyone wakes me up, I strike out at them....sort of like how military people do with PTSD or those who have learned somehow to protect them selves & always be on guard. One night after a long week at work, I was exhausted & crashed on the sofa in our new home at the time. My daughter was going to bed & I guess she came over to kiss me good night while I was sound asleep. My reaction in my sleep was to strike out at anything that came near me while I was sleeping & so I ended up striking out at my daughter....had no idea I did it until I ended up waking up from whatever was going on.....& I found out from my H that I had struck out at my daughter.....I felt so bad (knew I did this because I would do it to my parents growing up also....they learned to leave me alone when I was sleeping). I ended up flying upstairs to my daughter's room & apologized & explained to her that it definitely wasn't her but the way I react when I am sleeping. (Even my dogs now get hit at if they wake me up when I'm sleeping). It was good because it gave her the understanding & it gave me a chance while I was awake to kiss her goodnight & get her tucked into bed. The interesting thing....she became my guardian when I was sleeping & would warn others not to come close to me or disturb my sleeping when I crashed. It was almost a bonding moment in giving her understanding or Mom & of giving me a chance to apologize for what I had done & gave me a chance to explain so that it also wouldn't happen again unintentionally.

For the life of me I have no idea why I react that way when I'm sleeping because I was never attacked in my sleep & never had any bad experiences....it seems to be just where my brain is in protecting me when I'm sleeping & not to be disturbed.....if my daughter ever needed to wake me up she would tap on me & then back off at a safe distance...LOL.....she was always sweet about it while protecting herself also & protecting me from striking out at her also....& she always took on the job of waking up Mom if it was needed because "she knew how to do it".

It does seem like you learned while in the hospital to bond with your youngest daughter....you had the help that you didn't have with your oldest daughter & you had a totally different experience with her & you were taught.....my H always had to be taught to do everything....he couldn't learn how to do anything on his own.....& I'm sure even though at the age of 63 he's never been Dx'ed with Asperger's......it's obvious in reading books & doing research that is what caused all the problems in our marriage.....& I will soon be divorces within the next 6 months as I pay off my lawyer for the divorce as I live 2100 miles away after leaving him 7 years ago. Sometimes those T's can have sliding scale payment plans....it definitely wouldn't be a bad thing to at least look into & it might be so much benefit that it might be worth the money & you might cut back somewhere else in the budget so that you can afford the professional help...PC is great but it's not a substitute for the professional help that is available out there.

Mum mother treated my the same way when I was younger. I still to this day, hate myself.

I feel the same lack of love/bond towards my son from the day he was born, we had a difficult birth, he never fed properly and I think I probably also had undiagnosed PND. I have never told anyone as I know it's so unnatural that no one could possibly understand unless she has also experienced it.

The feeling worsened when my son never learnt to go to the toilet at night. The bed wetting (2-3 times per night, without drinks before bed) didn't stop until he was 13. I developed a feeling of scorn towards him that never left.

I have never had more children in case the same thing happens.

I have so much more to say but I just can't find the words right now. No judgement from me as I feel complete empathy for you and your daughter.

The fact that you are trying to get help is a huge step. You should be very proud of yourself for getting this out in the open. I know it is not easy, but you are doing , which is much better than just suffering.

The description of "panic" , to me, signals that you associate physical touching with a high amount of anxiety. Your adrenal gland must be working overtime. Would you consider learning some breathing techniques to help with the tension?

I think being one on one with Baylee is a great idea.

Stay in touch.

I can only relate my own experience with my children. I am indeed hesitant to do so here, as I see the reaction that you have gotten.

First of all, I would like you to remember (as I intend to do) that we, at least most of us, are on Psych Central for various reasons. We're all in a little bit of a pickle with life and so our answers might reflect that.
I hope I don't offend anyone by saying that.

I have four children, now grown. 2 boys, 2 girls.

My girls are not very different from each other. As my oldest was in intensive care, it took me a couple of weeks to bond with her (during which time I suffered from PPD and cried and hated myself and thought that I was somehow a defective mother) But things turned around very quickly. She was the kind of child that everyone adored for some reason.
When my youngest daughter was born, I quickly realized that personalities are indeed very different between siblings. She was not a child that everyone adored, including me. I have no idea why. Even when my kids are together now, there's three and then there's one.

But I am a mom and I am an adult. My first and foremost job is to love my children unconditionally and see to it that they are physically and mentally healthy.
I recognized this personality clash among us (very early on)--but I went out of my way to give my youngest exactly the same amount of time, hugs, kisses, and attention as I did the others--maybe even a little extra.
Frankly, I don't know if she has suffered. I don't know if she ever knew. I would like to think that she doesn't.

I do know that she's perfect.

Hi the kind of mother you are to your child is exactly how my mother is to me trust me, you need to fix this ASAP because when she hits her teenage years she will resent you (if she dosnt already) she will grow angry and cold to you, she will treat you the way you treat her. Because you rejecting her all the time day after day will exhaust her. When you said that when you go to pick her up she runs over to get a hug from you but stops when she sees your face. Ouch that must hurt a lot for her you are emptionslly deprivig her.All my life my mother has been cold to me even when I was 7 he would have fight with my father because she wouldn't want to be in a photo with me. Iv learnt that if I go to hug her that she will push me physically away and ignore me openly in front of family and friends if I try to speak to her. Iv grown up sick and tired of rejection I want no part in my mothers life anymore and when I have children I believe it will be best if they had no contact with my mother. Please work stuff out with your daughter, seek counselling I wish you the best of luck