Hate My BF's Ex

I posted before but wanted to get into the subject of my current bf's ex. I guess I should start by saying she has always been a sore spot for me and I can't seem to wrap my mind around why they were ever together in the first place.

I know she should have a place in our current relationship but somehow she does...to some extent.

My bf dated this gal before she ended her marriage. He assumed that because she moved out of the house she had lived in with her hubby that they were on their way to a formal divorce.

My bf dated her on and off for a total of four years. To me that is n drop in the bucket.

This woman has caused a lot of discomfort for me (when I was just his friend) and others he cares for. She was known for just showing up where he was. For example, he had gone on a trip to Vegas with friends and she claimed she just happened to head out there last minute as well.

She visited his mother in another state without him knowing it. She hit on his brother in front of his brother's wife and then inferred that his brother's wife was a bad mother and heavy weight wise.

She set up his facebook account and would delete people she didn't want him to be friends with. She moved into an apartment right next to his...for a while.

She would demand that he end his friendship with me and when he refused she would end the relationship only to come running back when she was "drunk." I suspect she would just use that as an excuse to meet up with him and lure him back in.

As the relationship died down it came out that she had lied about getting a divorce and that she had actually moved back in with her husband and was trying to get pregnant by him all while trying to give my bf an ultimatum that he agree to marry her and have a baby with her in the next year.

She did so many strange things that irk me. She started flying to NY to hang out with my best friend as a way of getting information about me. Why? I have no clue...I used to think it was because she thought I was a threat.

Fast forward to today and I can't help but dislike this woman. She is a disgusting person to me. She was manipulative, strange and just plain wrong in so many ways. I can't believe my bf would be involved with her and for so long...

I kind of get eaten up at the idea of him being with her for so long. I don't get it. To make things worse he would mention things like her favorite movie when I hadn't even asked about it. He still has gifts she gave him. He mentioned that a girl in a tv commercial reminded him of her (not in a good way) and it all just makes me feels almost sick inside.

Does anyone have any advice on how to let it go? I mean she has no place in my life right now but I hate that she is a part of my bf's past (especially since his family and friends will bring her up).

I think it says a lot that your boyfriend would get involved with someone like that. Love it or hate it, who we associate with does indeed have some sort of reflection on who we are as people.

And, he seems to still not be able to let her go in that he is talking about her in a positive light? WTF?!?! Uhm, she seems to be a bit psychopathic in that she follows people around the country? Befriends your friends?

Sorry to say, but I'd be pretty heavy handed with this one. If he can't/won't see how bad she is, maybe you should seriously reconsider your relationship with him.

This woman has the power to ruin your life and your boyfriend thinks nothing of it? Whoa. (I say this as someone who is willing to go to such lengths....well, you can never underestimate how far they will go. What if you have a child with your BF? Ya, you really do have to think that far into the future when dealing with someone as deranged as this woman coupled with a guy who is in la-la land when it comes to the seriousness of the situation.)

Thank you ChipperMonkey. I guess because I harbor so much resentment I needed to get it out of my head and see what others think. I am not happy being so angry at this woman and I think she is despicable.

She had to of lied to her husband for years as well as my current bf in order to hedge her bets and see which one would step up their game enough to "win" her.

She got pregnant shortly after my bf and her ended things and she was posting to her social media inferences that the kid could be my bf's. She is of Asian decent and my bf is not so judging by the pictures of her son it isn't my bf's but still the idea that any minute she can drop a time bomb on us and shake up our world freaks me out.

The thing that bothers me is that she has a lot of professional contacts in common with my bf and I because we all work in the same industry and at one time we all worked for the very same company. That is where we all met.

I can't help but think that had my bf no gotten involved with her we would have wound up together a lot sooner. He just let her push her way into his life.

I have to admit that my curiosity got the better of me and I went through his ipad where he had his email synced up with his phone. I saw what their relationship was like based on actual conversations going back and forth between them. My bf was nothing but sweet to her but did note several times that he didn't want to be the reason she ended her marriage and that he would not ask her to do that ever. He has said that if she was ever "free" he would be the first in line to date her...

Well she put her husband on the back burner and went full charge ahead after my bf. She started to integrate herself into his life as much as possible. I mean she moved in right next door to him, they worked together, she wanted to hang out with him every night...

I had feelings for my bf at this time and went over to his place to tell him when who opens the door? Yeah, if you said this woman then you were right! She said something the affect of "WE are glad you stopped by but we are in the middle of something."

I left feeling confused and very disrespected. I stopped calling my bf (we were very close friends) and months went by. I saw that he took her to Panama on a vacation (with his family).

This gal set up a facebook account for him and then when we became online friends she deleted me from his page...it all just kind of stung.

I then found out he moved to another city through some mutual friends. I just figured at that point that our friendship was over. Until one day when he reached out via email.

He was not with this gal anymore and we resumed our friendship and somehow fell in love. It was years in the making for me and I am a bit hurt that she took up four years of his time - time we could have been together or at the very least friends.

He says that he is embarrassed that he was with her and that she was sort of just someone to be around when he was depressed and feeling anti social. She just wouldn't leave him alone so he stopped resisting and just allowed whatever happened to happen. I sort of don't buy that because I saw the emails they wrote to each other and it didn't seem like he was just going along for the ride...

Why is this eating at me so much? Perhaps because I can't get straight answers from him and have never really been able to talk to him about how I feel?

Any opinions, thoughts, suggestions?

Sounds like you are ruminating on something that is only tangential to your relationship, rather than looking at you and your bf....wonder what is wrong There.

There are issues within the relationship and this person is sort of tangled in them as well. He has jealousy issues and tends to feel very insecure – enough to make accusations that I feel are unjust as I don’t have issues being faithful.

I guess I get angry at him because I know that he never accused her of the deceit and lack of respect that cheating would require and she deserved it whereas I am not married, haven’t been and don’t have a history of cheating.

I am resentful of the fact that he can allow his jealousy and insecurities to fester to the point where he would actually ask me if I slept with someone and his words tend to be more pointed and hurtful.

I guess instead of comparing how he treated her to how he treats me I should just demand better of him. It just kind of kills me to know that someone who didn’t deserve to be treated like a queen was treated as exactly that whereas I am having to defend myself and PROVE I am loyal.

It’s hard not to wonder what about me makes him feel it is ok to treat me the way he does when his suspicions get the better of him when it seems as though his judgment of character is off and has been (i.e. his involvement with her). Does that make any sense at all?

The main thing is that he does not trust you, but the fact that he treated her the way she did is a major irritant and makes everything he says to you that much worse.

Yes.

Would you be willing to say more about how he treats you--is his irrational jealousy and unfounded accusations the only problem?

Bill - Yes I believe his lack of trust and his accusations are the root of our issues. He also kind of damaged my relationship with my best friend.

See in the recent past, this ex of his was posting things to her social media that triggered me and started to turn from an annoyance to making me feel terribly uncomfortable.

His ex visited my best friend unbeknownst to me in NYC. My bff used to work with all of us and his ex never showed one iota of interest in getting to know my bff until she started to have some strange need to impose on my life. My gut says that she wanted intel on me to figure out if I was a threat to her.

Anyhow, I was venting about the ex to my bff and she let me know that the ex had visited her and even stayed with her once. I was beside myself and felt betrayed by my bff. Why would she welcome someone who was so odd into her life? So, we were talking and details about the relationship between the ex and my boyfriend came out. I was a glutton for punishment I guess and I listened.

I would get upset and go to my boyfriend to ask questions about things I learned. It was disturbing and hurtful to me. I asked him to contact his ex and ask her to stop what she was doing as it was causing me a lot of negative feelings. He said he would...

He expressed contempt towards my bff for hurting me by letting his ex stay with her and for feeding me more information than I needed to hear. He said it was not her place to share relationship details with me and that it targeted him. He believed it was intended to damage OUR relationship and he expressed how angry he was about that. He mentioned wanting to confront my bff and I asked him not to...I knew it would only escalate things.

Well after a heated talk about his ex and my bff, I go to bed and when I wake up I get a text from my bff stating that my boyfriend sent her a rude text asking if she would like it if he shared details about her relationships with people who didn't need to know them. She was very upset by him and has since noted that she does not like him. The feelings of distaste are mutual now which hurts ME even more than I had been by all of this drama.

Now there is tension between the two most important people in my life and I am not able to speak about them to each other. This makes things VERY hard on me as they are both such special people in my life.

Not to mention my boyfriend never did contact his ex like I had asked him BUT did manage to do the one thing I asked him not to (confront my bff).

SOOOO as you can see this woman has been at the root of much of my heartache. I still don't understand why my boyfriend chose to handle things the way he did. I don't get why he agreed to one thing and did another.

A few months later I finally had it with this woman so I contacted her via email and asked her to stop her antics. She then calls my bf and leaves him a voicemail as if they were completely cool. She said something to the effect of "Hi there. I hope everything is going well for you. I was contacted by your "friend" troubledinlove and wanted to ask that you tell her to avoid contacting me again in the future. Thanks."

WTF?????

This thought sounds very much like his unfounded idea that you are cheating on him.
He did not do what you asked about something very important to you. He did what you asked him not to do about something very important to you. He is jealous and irrational and angry about your contacts with other people.

What do you like about him?

You realize that this was pretty sketchy, right? Not that I wouldn't have read the conversations under your circumstances, but you kinda blew a boundary there.

I suspect that is a typo and that you meant to say that she should NOT have a place in your current relationship with your bf. This person needs to be put in the past and left there. Tell your boyfriend exactly that. Tell him that you do not want to hear any references to her. She should not have access to him via social media. NONE. What is going on in your lives now is absolutely none of her business. Her life is none of your boyfriend's business.

He should make a solemn pledge to you that he will absolutely not seek out any contact with her. Furthermore, he should reject any attempts whatsoever that she makes to contact him. If people you know like to bring her up in conversation to you, then you and your boyfriend need to have a pact on that. Rehearse it before you are around people who might do that. Decide that you are going to be totally disinterested in any conversation that gets to being about her. If anyone remarks on that, just say "We've decided that she belongs in his past and not in our present. So we don't think about her or talk about her anymore." Then refuse to be engaged in any exchange about her.

If his mother wants to accept visits from her, then she is a little crazy. But put up the same barriers there. If you stick to this, eventually she'll get tired of trying to intrude on your life.

I am honestly concerned about the mental stability of this woman. She has no boundaries. Your boyfriend isn't setting healthy boundaries. His mother isn't setting healthy boundaries. Your best friend isn't even setting healthy boundaries! Its going to be next to impossible for YOU to set healthy boundaries when everyone else in your life is welcoming her with open arms. Sadly, you can't control their behavior. I hope you can work out the craziness, but at the end of the day, you can only change your behavior. If they refuse to change, your only option is to accept this woman (and her craziness) or to move on. Good luck!

Bill, you bring up a good point. There are a lot of things I like about him. Namely, he was one of my best friends before we started dating. That friendship still exists in that I have such a good time with him. We have a lot in common and we understand each other for the most part. He is kind, caring, very generous, he is accepting of me and my limitations.

I have a pretty serious health condition and he is always there to help take care of me. Accepting help like that is hard for me because I have been on my own since 15 but he gives support and help without wanting anything in return.

He has sat up in the ER many nights only to have to go to work with no sleep. He tells me I am beautiful (and believes it) even when I am at my worst physically.

I can honestly say that he has helped keep me alive and in a somewhat hopeful state even when it seemed as though hope should be the last thing I feel.

I realize I may have painted a poor picture of who he is as a person because I am harping on some of the negative things...

Hex - you are 100% right. I am certainly not proud of what I did. We had issues with boundaries. He at times wanted to go through my phone to see if he had a reason to feel insecure and I guess I felt justified in doing the same (this was also VERY wrong).

We don't do this to each other now as it does nothing but cause harm.

I don't consider it harping in that these are indeed issues that are important to you and to your health.

I wonder if there might be ways to make progress on those other issues you talked about, just like you did on the phones, without sacrificing what you hold so dear about him.

ChipperMonkey - I love this name btw...You bring up a good point about boundaries. I have a hard enough time with boundaries on my own and it was really baffling to me that this woman was able to manipulate her way into the live of people I care about. She comes across as mousy and sweet but she always seems to have a motive.

I can't figure out what that motive is at times and it irks me that no one stands up to her and simply says no.

I agree I have to either accept her as a part of OUR past or move on because harboring such negative feelings does nothing but eat at me. It isn't healthy at all. I think I can move on and leave her in the past but feel as though I need to address her with my bf to try and understand why he is/was unable to ask her to bow out and be respectful of me and our relationship.

It doesn't matter what I feel about her (starting a relationship with my bf while she was still married, trying to get pregnant when she was sleeping with both of them) because that is all on her. She basically is the exact type of person I despise and I have to let THAT go.

[QUOTE=troubledinlove;4386979]
I think I can move on and leave her in the past but feel as though I need to address her with my bf to try and understand why he is/was unable to ask her to bow out and be respectful of me and our relationship.

[QUOTE]

As long as you two are talking about her~ she's on his mind and her name will cross his lips. In her case~ your negative attention could be a positive.

In my opinion~She has nothing to do with how he treats you.