Is he just not into me?

I was married for 32 years and recently got divorced, so dating is a whole new ballgame for me. I recently fell in love with a man who has been married twice and has a LOT of former girlfriends. He is a very outgoing and flirtatious person who people are drawn to. That's the good news. The bad news is that early on in our relationship, I discovered he'd been dating other women or seeking other women out when he told me we were exclusive. We got past that, and he says he loves me.
But...
He gets frequent texts from his ex-wives and several women "friends." Some are ex-girlfriends, some are women he's known for a while, some are women he's recently met. Like I said, people are drawn to him. He says there is nothing wrong with this. I say it's on the edge of cheating.

My question is...am I being overly sensitive to let these texts bother me? It seems to me that if you're in a relationship, you don't carry on continuous text conversations with other people of the opposite sex. Is that too old fashioned? Beside the point of flirtation, it seems really disrespectful to me as his girlfriend. We've discussed this several times, and he knows how much it bothers me, yet insists the women are just friends and he doesn't want to hurt their feelings by not responding. (Never mind that he sometimes initiates a text thread.) Btw--I'm not even sure any of them know he is dating someone seriously.
I do think he loves me, but I'm not sure I can get past this issue. Am I wrong to let this bother me? Does this sound like a healthy relationship?

P.S. I guess I'm not asking if I should trust him as much as I'm asking if I'm wrong in thinking that ongoing texting to someone of the opposite sex is wrong when you're in a committed relationship?

I don't think that you are wrong to feel the way that you do. Especially, since in the beginning, he was seeking others out when you thought you were exclusive. I don't think that his constant contact with ex-wives and ex-lovers is a good idea and that he should respect your feelings. Some contact would be one thing but it sounds like it is more than just casual. Of course, I'm old fashioned, too.

Marigold...after my divorce from a long unhappy marriage, I dated, thinking I'd finally meet Mr. Right. I met them thru online dating sites.
The behavior you are describing in this man is unacceptable. If you think this man really "loves" you, you are deluding yourself. I say this, not to be cruel or judgmental, but because I did the exact same thing. I devoted myself totally to the relationship (because that is what you do in a loving relationship), while the partner is cruising via text and internet for other relationships. I devoted WAY too much of my precious time and emotional energy to these losers.
Look at it this way: if something in your gut feeling is making you unhappy about the relationship, that's a BIG RED FLAG!, and you need to listen your inner voice on this. People who meet and start forming a loving relationship should be on their BEST behavior. He is not, period. He's a playah!

I have to add here, now that I'm 10 years past trying to date, I have the perspective to look back and say to myself, "Why did I just not walk away from that! period!?" In truth, you don't owe this man anything, and you can and should just close the door on this relationship and walk away. I know, I know...you've invested your love and emotional energy, but what is he investing? Just end it, and take some time to heal, and move on.

Thank you, gayleggg and seeker1950. I appreciate your candidness. I've been out of the dating scene for so long, I began to wonder if I had unreasonable expectations. I've never seen anyone make faster friendships than this man. But so many of them are with women. And so many of them text him. It feels wrong, but his insistence that it's just friendships made me question if I was being too possessive. I appreciate your replies!

I think occasional texts from female friends are ok but excessive all the time kind of thing wouldn't be ok with me at all.

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Marigold...you are NOT being possessive. What he is doing is just plain rude.
I have to add, IF you feel you are really in love with the man, you may have a very hard time, either if you detach yourself from him, or you keep going with him. Either way, it will take a lot of emotional effort on your part. Staying with him, ask yourself if this is, indeed, the type of man you want as a partner.
Honestly, you don't owe him anything...nada. You can walk away from this (no matter how intimate you've been) and go on to meet other prospective partners. In my naïve beliefs in devotion and commitment, I struggled and hung in there WAY too long. You don't have to do that, and you don't have to engage in a lot of long explanations and apologies. Just be done with him and move on.

Marigold...you are NOT being possessive. What he is doing is just plain rude.
I have to add, IF you feel you are really in love with the man, you may have a very hard time, either if you detach yourself from him, or you keep going with him. Either way, it will take a lot of emotional effort on your part. Staying with him, ask yourself if this is, indeed, the type of man you want as a partner.
Honestly, you don't owe him anything...nada. You can walk away from this (no matter how intimate you've been) and go on to meet other prospective partners. In my naïve beliefs in devotion and commitment, I struggled and hung in there WAY too long. You don't have to do that, and you don't have to engage in a lot of long explanations and apologies. Just be done with him and move on.

Thanks, Seeker. I appreciate your help. It's nice to see that I'm not as crazy as I thought I might be!

You aren't crazy at all!

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He's just a player.. You deserve better.. There is a good chance that Yes indeed he loves you, but he's just not the "one woman kinda guy"

Your not wrong in questioning whether his behavior is "right" .. It's Not right or acceptable if he is telling you that your relationship is exclusive..

Don't settle.. You deserve a faithful, loyal loving relationship

I agree, you deserve better!

I recently read an interview article in the local paper. They interviewed Tom Arnold. I've never been a huge fan of his, but I think he's really matured over the years. The interviewer asked him if he was still in contact with Roseanne (his ex-wife) and he said no, he hasn't spoken to her in quite some time. He continued by saying that continuing contact with an ex when there are no children involved is like playing with fire. I couldn't agree more.

Why does he need to be in contact with these ex's? Ex-wives, ex-girlfriends.....there is no need for it! I don't think there is a problem with someone having FRIENDS of the opposite sex, but this seems to go too far!

I read a POS article about how to judge if a guy was a keeper, and one of the points said that its a good thing if a guy is friend with his ex's. I was like WHOA! Stop the presses.... Holding on to a friendship with an ex is pretty much saying that you don't care about the baggage with said ex interfering with future relationships. I don't know about you, but with BILLIONS of people in the world, I can easily make new friends and not need to keep around an ex (and all of those complications). I much rather look forward and let go of the past.

You definitely deserve better. Please let this player go. How much do you actually like HIM and not just the attention that he gives you? (Because we all know that players are excellent at making others feel special with all of that attention that they shower around....its part of the game and in no way, shape, or form is an actual indication of their true feelings for you!)

Thank you all for your replies. ChipperMonkey, you have him down to a T. He says all the right things. He's perfect except he can't be faithful to one woman. He doesn't consider it cheating since it's only "banter" and we're not married. That's where he and I disagree, and for me it's a deal breaker. Thanks so much for helping me realize what's going on isn't normal. I knew it, I just needed validation. Thank you! You all have been a huge help.

He probably is not the right guy for you. He has to want to change his behavior... and it appears he does not want to.. he does not like you enough....
.. and on the other hand.. he may have developed some friendships that he values for whatever reason... and he will resent you if you are on him about it...

Either accept "who he is" right here and now or let him go... do not wait for change.

I agree he is not a respectful man and you deserve someone who take your feelings into consideration. He is a player. Just try cut him lose and you will find someone who treats you right.

I have met several users/abusers/players, all of them in varying degree, last two men I had in my life, my xhusband and last boyfriend, were both abusive and users on high level. I waited too long to get out early on with my last boyfriend and I wasted time. Just cut him lose and you will feel better sooner than if you stay in the relationship.

When I started read you post about his texting I immediately saw red flags.

I call Red Flag.

I hope you listen to all the great advice here. It may be harder than you anticipate to extract yourself from the relationship, either because you have feelings for the man, or because he will say he can "change."
The thing to ask yourself is: would YOU do something like he has done, with the texting and calls to exes and other female "friends" while building a loving relationship? Of course you wouldn't and you haven't and you never would. A man (or woman) who does this sort of thing is not considerate, in fact, downright rude and dishonest. I hope you can end this relationship without a lot of hassle!

Seeker, I do intend to end it. The hitch in the giddyup is that he's undergoing chemo right now and fighting leukemia. My life is never boring. I am his main caretaker, and it is easy to see all the texts he gets daily. I keep looking because I would rather know what he's doing than have it done behind my back. I, of course, can't leave him now, but I am planning an exit strategy.

An interesting update: I took him home from the hospital on Sunday. Today I discovered he texted an ex-girlfriend while we were in the car on the way home. It's particularly ironic, because we had a "discussion" about her two nights before. She wanted to visit him in the hospital and he told me about it. After our discussion, he texted her and told her not to come. Then on the way home, he texted her in my car. In my car with me sitting next to him! And...his first ex-wife cooked dinner for him tonight.

I'm not leaving him while he's fighting cancer, but every time I read a new text, my love for him dies a little bit more. I do think God put me in this situation to help him through this battle with cancer. I just can't figure out what He's trying to teach me. After 32 years with a complete jerk for a husband, why did I have to fall for a lying cheat? There's a lesson in there somewhere.

Thank you so much to everyone for the replies. I SO appreciate it.

Was reminded of the exbf of six years, my hs sweetheart, so to speak. Painted me as the overemotional, overreacting one because he just needed to be friends to mainly only girls. There was this one girl, cannot recall if she was a quasi-local friend of a friend during hs or friend of a friend through college. She wasn't exactly the breakup of his and my relationship, meeting his future wife(now ex) was, but...all these years later, one night a couple of weeks ago, I'd viewed his fb for the first time in six or seven years...guess who was there? Talking about drinks and Sade? Yeah...her...
Some women also, in turn clasp onto men, with future ideas regardless and call it being friends.

I'm old fashioned myself. When kids are involved, of course there's a fair amount of contact. Without kids, whatever happened to the family xmas cards?? Or better yet...no cards, no contact? Perhaps case by case on limited contact, dependent, but an entire car ride home?
Sorry to hear of his illness, but honest to goodness!

I spent two years as a caregiver to a sick man, who was sick when I met him thru a singles site, and who refrained from telling me till he had me feeling "in love" with him. He was dying so I felt it my duty to hang in there and be the primary caregiver. He was a lot like your fella. There was no texting then, but he received calls and letters from former girlfriends, and even kept one old girlfriend's picture in his wallet (none of me). All because he said he loved me, and I thought I can't leave him now! He NEEDS me! DUH!

You've stated you divorced recently, and so this suggests your relationship with this man is fairly new? So, at what point did you learn he was sick? Did you choose to date a man with leukemia from the start? Or did you only find this out after you fell in love with him?

I hung in there for two precious years with the sick man, who, in fact, sought me out because I have such a caring nature. He even had a notebook of checklists of the qualities of the women he was meeting when he met me.

It sounds cynical, what I'm suggesting, but I have been there, done that. I DID leave. And you can too.

Oh, one more thing...he CAN survive and make other arrangements for his care. It's not your job.

Seeker, I can understand your skepticism. But his illness really was diagnosed only last month. I went to all of his doctors' appointments with him, so I'm certain this is something he just found out about. We were having this issue of other women texting him before his diagnosis, but the ex-wives and ex-girlfriends have come out of the woodwork since he's been sick. I had actually rehearsed my breakup speech to him the day he got the news. I know how that sounds, but he truly had no idea what was on my mind, and I certainly didn't foresee what he was going to tell me.

You're right, he doesn't need me to care for him. He has a family and tons of friends who can help out. I just don't think I could live with myself if I left him at this point. I won't let this drag on for years, but I do need to see him through the next few months for my own since of integrity. More and more I feel like I'm taking care of a good friend. Like I said, my love for him lessens each time he lies to me or texts someone. That doesn't mean that saying goodbye will be painless. But at some point it will be done, just not now when he's going through so much.

The replies I've gotten to my question have helped my state of mind so much. healingme4me had it right when she said "Painted me as the overemotional, overreacting one..." That's exactly what my guy says. He also says I'm being insecure and need to get past the jealousy. He asks if I feel threatened and says there's no need...it's so interesting how these guys can make it the woman's problem.

Thank you all again for your help and words of advice and encouragement. They have helped so much.

It is a new "wrinkle" being he is struggling with cancer. I do understand that you are not happy with him being in contact with his past women/friends or whatever... not an excuse..but he is struggling with cancer - he may want/need support.. I do not know.

You are in a really tough situation. Is it possible to be open with him and let him know that you know it is not in your best interest to be romantically involved with him because his need to hold on to exes.. and it is painful for you. But you do care and you can let him
know "what you are willing to do" as he is going through this difficult time in his life.. discuss an exit plan with him... maybe one of his exes can help

yes he is not a one woman guy, red flag here too. get away before you get in deeper

I can kind of understand the ex's contacting him with words of support as he goes thru his treatments for leukemia. If you want to remain in the relationship with him, maybe you should accept that these women are just offering support during his illness. That said, do you want your precious time to be devoted as a caregiver? You have stated that he has family who can care for him. How much time do YOU have? Is this how you want to spend your time? When maybe you could be meeting others who would be more ideal? Just ask yourself how much time is enough.

It's more than just words of support. It's daily checks to see how he's doing. It's one ex=-wife sneaking in to see him at the hospital when I'm not there. It's another ex-wife doing his laundry, visiting in the hospital, cooking him meals, texting him daily to see how he is. I could go on, but you get the point. And I didn't even mention that he has a blog that updates his progress, so none of these women have to contact him to see how he's doing, they can just read the blog. He did tell the one ex-gf not to visit him, but now he's texting her daily and she asked if he would call her...
I know I'm crazy to stay with all of that going on. I just don't want everyone to think I'm the kind of woman who leaves a man when he gets sick. And I can promise you he would not be honest with anyone and tell them the real reason I left. Don't say that I shouldn't care what other people think, because I do. I also think a positive mindset for him is essential to surviving this disease. I don't want to do anything that would negatively impact his emotional well-being right now.

when you said you got past the issue with him dating others and seeking out women, did you really get past it or did he convince you that it was ok? I'm asking honestly if you really analyze it, it would be a good thing to ponder. It seems to me everything about his behavior is pointing to the idea that he probably has not change that behavior but has only pulled the wool over your eyes somehow in convincing you he's exclusive with you.

Constant texting, emailing, conversing with women is not normal or acceptable. Saying hes charismatic and people like him is no excuse for lack of control and being able to say no to women that come after you too much or text you too much. That's purely a choice, he has that in this situation and I think if he truly cared for you as much as he wants you to believe they'd be gone or at least the texts and such would be kept at a minimum.