[adele96]

i've been dating a man i adore but he has REAL BIG boundary issues. he has genius IQ which means he is mentally intense and he's an artist. he's currently working on a huge project and he does not want me to call him or see him for a whole month. this is because he can't work on his art and keep relations at the same time. he says it's been an issue with every relationship he's been in. wishes he could wave a magic wand and he wouldn't be this way. he says that when people invade his space during this time that it really hurts him and it sets him back creatively a whole month. he says it just drains him. during this time he also completely loses his libido. now i'm fine with that, but just in case people think it's a ruse to screw around. it's not. and he's not swanning around having a laugh. i know other people can incorporate their work and personal lives without them affecting the other too much. i know this is not normal to be that intensely affected. it's so serious for him now that if i were to call him right now we would be over. he said it wasn't because he didn't have a 'deep well of affection' for me, but that his art is VERY important to him. it's been a very serious issue in past relations and i think this has made his problem worse. so to spare both our feelings he really wants me not to call or he'll 'flip out'. that's all just a bit over the top, but my issue is that i believe him. i know he's had very serious abuse when a child at catholic shcool and he has always been a very intense and withdrawn child (genius). i think his IQ may have something to do with this. i have a friend who had a relationship with a very intelligent man and he too was over cerebral and it seriously affected their relationship. it almost borders on autism of sorts. but that's not it. i don't mind not seeing him for a month, but it's harder not talking to him. the real concern i have is why he's like this. why he has such a severe issue with boundaries. we will talk about it further, but i'll have to wait another three weeks. i need other people's perspective. i'd like to try to make this work as he has qualities i have searched for in another human my whole life and couldn't find. i just can't let that go without a fight.

[spal]

Having been around artists most of my life, I can tell you that wanting a month apart to finish work is par for the course. There is nothing weird about him. He does not have boundary issues. He told you what his boundary is very very clearly: he needs to be alone for a month in order to work. The question is whether you can respect it. If you need to be with someone on a daily basis then this man is not for you. It doesn't matter why he is like this. He is like this. And he is not going to change. Knowing why he is like this won't help you change him. Or even understand him. He loves his work and has a hard time with intimacy because of past abuse. If this guy is what you want then you have to figure out a way to cope with the time apart. Take the time to do your own projects, be with your own friends. It's only a month. But if you need daily affirmation then you need to find someone with a more normal lifestyle. Artists are called artists for a reason. I know in the "American Idol" world that everyone thinks that they are "creative" but the fact is that if artists were like normal people they wouldn't be able to create art. This month apart could be a great way to work on your own stuff and then when it's over, he'll be back and he will be totally focussed on you.

[Perna]

It's the way he is, not a "flaw" or problem. People run the gamut in how they like to work, play, interact, etc. and if he's most comfortable this way then I'd leave him alone to do his thing. There's nothing abnormal about how another person works and does things in their own life, only about what we're doing and how we like things in ours. If he's busy this month, I'd find something else to do, other friends to talk to?

[Wants2Fly]

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spal said:
Having been around artists most of my life, I can tell you that wanting a month apart to finish work is par for the course. There is nothing weird about him. He does not have boundary issues. He told you what his boundary is very very clearly: he needs to be alone for a month in order to work. The question is whether you can respect it. If you need to be with someone on a daily basis then this man is not for you. It doesn't matter why he is like this. He is like this. And he is not going to change. Knowing why he is like this won't help you change him. Or even understand him. He loves his work and has a hard time with intimacy because of past abuse. If this guy is what you want then you have to figure out a way to cope with the time apart. Take the time to do your own projects, be with your own friends. It's only a month. But if you need daily affirmation then you need to find someone with a more normal lifestyle. Artists are called artists for a reason. I know in the "American Idol" world that everyone thinks that they are "creative" but the fact is that if artists were like normal people they wouldn't be able to create art. This month apart could be a great way to work on your own stuff and then when it's over, he'll be back and he will be totally focussed on you.

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Good post. Most sensible and insightful.

[adele96]

i don't need daily affirmation and i very much respect his work. i just don't have much experience with relationships and i don't know how many people go through this themselves. i'm glad you guys have said what you said. it makes me feel a whole lot more at ease. i can definately wait to see him a month. but i adore him and miss him. i guess i'll look at this as an occasional long distance relationship.

[adele96]

actually he does have boundary issues. when one flips out because he receives a phone call when i haven't spoken to him for days and needed a friend is over the top. to tell me we will be over if i call him again in a month with no warning that before is not fair. i asked him some time ago what his boundaries were as i didn't want to cross them. he said during our last call that for him these issues don't come up till about the thirty date mark. how the %#@&#! am i suppoed to know that! my dating experience has been vastly different. i don't think it is fair to turn so quickly. he gave no sign what so ever that it was this serious. we had talked about it but he never said please don't call me or i'll flip out. nope, i don't think that is normal. i mean surely a 10 minute phone call a week is not too much to ask is it? is that really so stressful for some people. 10 minutes. in a week. give me a break!
i plan on working through this with him when i can but having left the converstaionas it was and having to wait so long is quite stressing. i just don't get it.

[spal]

I know that this is hard to go through not having contact with someone you care about but be honest with yourself about what you really want. What you think is "normal" is not "normal" for him. Maybe you need to find a "normal" guy, then, who has a communication style that better suits you. You said that you don't have much experience with relationships. Well, you're getting some experience now. Experience is also about being introduced to the unfamiliar. If this is not the relationship you want, then do not invest so much in it and date other people. Or see how this will play out, if you can accommodate each other. You want to be with this guy because he is different and an artist but he is "different" in other aspects of his life, too. He's not going to be this weird eccentric artist and be this nice, "normal" man, too. It just doesn't work that way. He is telling you clearly that he needs some space. Okay, he is not telling you in the way that you want, but that is the message isn't it? It'd be great if people could talk to us based on the script we all have in our heads. You have to take back some of your own power instead of being the victim here. You can decide that you will wait, keep yourself occupied with your life, and talk about it when his work is over. You can decide that you will date others and talk about it with him when his work is over. Is it the fact that there is no contact that is bugging you or the fact that he told you about not wanting any in this hurful way. The two are different. There are positive things to this: he is working, not screwing around, not drinking and not taking drugs and not looking at internet porn. His artistic work is 100% consuming -- that is a fact. You can ask any artist in the world and you will get this answer. He is not working 9-5 and then forgetting about his job when he gets home and is with you. He is working all the time. Even when there is downtime he is preparing something else in his head. That is the nature of the beast. No relationship is perfect but ask yourself what you can live with -- again, he could be too much into sports, into seeing his friends, into the sexy neighbour down the hall if he was a postman. There are tons of people you can be with if that's what you want. I think taking your power back and making decisions based on what you want and not being reactive to what he wants will help.

[adele96]

thanks for the chat, spal. i really need it.
it's not the space that bothers me. it's the way he left it to the point that it angered him instead of telling me that if i did that or this that he would get mad. it shocked me. he didn't yell or abuse me but when someone says if you call me again we're over when it had been days since i'd spoken to him and i had no idea it would anger him this much, it was an unfair expectation to put on me. now i know i won't call him. it is hard not seeing him because i don't have other friends to talk to and so i don't have anyone to turn to for advice. it has been eight years since i was last in love with some one and i only dated a couple times and i knew they wouldn't work out anyway. i don't really date and i don't give over my feelings to someone so easily. to give my heart to this man is A VERY BIG DEAL. it means i see a future with him.
i can handle the space. i can't handle unreasonable expectations and unfair ultimatums thrown at me out of the blue. i am not one of his ex's. he is nice and normal in many ways and i respect his commitment to his art. he is a wonderful man. i thoroughly enjoy his company and the things that have annoyed his ex's don't bother me. i have accepted him for who he is, but he doesn't really give me a chance sometimes.
i'm 32 and have been in two unusual relationships. first bf i was 19 and i met him on the streets of los angeles. we were homeless together for two months. that was a dependant relationship. second, five years later, lasted as long and was with an very self centred man who slept with 6 people in the last week i was with him. he never told me we weren't dating properly. i thought we were. he was using me for sex. these experiences in dating are not normal, i know this. but so does he!
i'm now worried that this space after our bad phone call will sour our friendship and i can't call to talk and smooth it over. i have to wait to say what i need to. damn. this is why i didn't look for love. it's just too stressful and has worsened my depression. but i'm working very hard on it and on accepting him. hmph, he'd better appreciate that!

[Direction]

Just curious - how long have you been dating the current person?

Having read through this post carefully - I can appreciate all that has been written...I have to say though that something still seems a bit off? Not sure what?

I think it might be worth not dating this person seriously and take the month breaks as an opportunity to experience how other men treat you...See if someone else better suits you.

I think it is your originally opening "dating a man I adore, but"

"But" usually negates what ever was said just before it. Maybe that is what is off. I think you may have negated your statement of adoration...

Just something to think about...

P.S. Welcome to PC!

[spal]

Adele, I think it would really help you to get a social circle around you and make some friends. Right now it seems to me that you're stressed because you have so much emotional investment in this guy. There's nothing wrong with being close with someone you care about but this person cannot meet all of your emotional needs. What if you need to b**ch about him to someone? Wouldn't it be great to have a few friends you can hang out with when things with him hit a rough spot. Even the most wonderful relationships can hit rough spots and a social circle helps put your stuff in perspective.

Anyway, I wouldn't worry about how he will react to your last phone conversation until you have a talk with him. There is no point obsessing about it until you two talk again face to face. Meanwhile, don't sit at home like a potted plant! You need to have your own life for your own sanity. And don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Just because this guy is not for you that doesn't mean that love isn't worth it. There's only so much you can control. Just let it go and concentrate on what you will be doing for the next little while. What if you get so involved with some activity that you even forget about the phone call? In three weeks, it may not seem so stressful and you can tell him how hurt you felt about his ultimatum. It sounds like both of you have these extreme reactions. There is a middle way that doesn't involve breaking up over every hurtful thing said. Sometimes people don't think and say stupid things because they feel scared and threatened. Good luck!

[adele96]

thanks guys. direction, it's just how i typed words.
i have come to realise that because i have not had a relationship properly and don't have any friends that i invested every ounce of emotion i had into this man. i don't often hand over my heart. i am pulling back a little and trying not to be as emotionally intense. like i said i don't need daily affirmation and a part of me is relieved that he has given me boundaries as not knowing when i'm stepping over them is very stressful. i will give him my two cents worth for not giving me fairer warning though and will keep trying. i am just discovering about the amount of work that can go into a relationship. crap! i had no idea!
anyway, i think it's too soon to throw in the towel just yet. like i said before he has qualities i've been looking for in a friend (male and female) for my whole life. not kidding!!!! i can't turn my back on that can i!
i've never had many friends. i can make them easily enough, but i can't seem to find people who have staying power. that is why i am here. you guys are a life saver!
so i'm off to see my horse today and maybe see a movie and i'll be working most the week as well. i will pull through, it'll be tough i know, but like i said, i'm a fighter.
again, thanks guys. i really really appreciate your words. big hugs and kisses.

[howohsocliche]

<font color="#880000"> You're a saint for having such patience with him.

I'd suggest making it known that if he wants you to respect his boundries, then he must also respect yours. This would probably include him not loosing his temper and also learning how to control his emotions if you upset him. But, this means that you must adhere to the 1 month rule. If you believe you can stick to it, then it should be no prob.

During that 1 month, you must find a way to fill the gap while he's busy. Take up a few hobbies around the city where you'll be working with other people or something. Making friends or keeping in touch with family will be an important substitute for him during that month...And they're good to have all year anyway. :]

He might have difficulties communicating his needs simply because he's never needed to tell people about these boundries too often, and also because there are so many specifics to remember. You might need to give him time to remember these things. But, you also have a right to be treated respectfully as you are learning and he's remembering.
Either way, you should both respect the fact that you guys are getting used to something that's simply hard to get used to. Therefore, you should both be as supportive and respectful of eachother during this learning process. It will be work, and you will both have to give a little...Or a lot. Best of luck. </font>

sorry, i don't buy it.
we're humans first, artists or whatever second.
this is not a normal relationship and only sounds like it will get stranger, not more stable.
people in relationships need to give and receive human contact...it's not a quality that can be turned on and off at will (unless he's off in the military and that's upfront and understood). otherwise, it's too stressful and full of anxiety.

[moodyblu]

I can relate to where he's coming from. I find it extremely hard to be creative with distractions. Art takes a ton of dedication. If you want him...you'll have to try to understand and not take it personal. On the other hand...he's gonna have to eventually understand your needs too...if you two are to become more serious.
I personally love it when I escape into a painting...just don't always have the time. Life does distract...sigh...
m.b.