[rr13]

For those following my situation, my parents brought my brother home this weekend. He had been in the hospital 3 times since July, is in very bad health and was homeless. So now he's living with my parents until they can get him qualified for social security and can find someplace for him to live where he can be cared for. This is causing me a lot of stress. I hoped to never have to see my brother again, but now I'll have to see him every Sunday. All the attention will now be on him and my parents will ignore me even more than before. I'm feeling very angry since I need help from my parents, but I'll never get it.

Since I can't change the fact that I have to see my parents every week due to my financial situation, my therapist suggested I forgive them and my brother. I don't know if I can do that though. How do you forgive people when the situation that's making you angry and resentful is being thrown in your face all the time?

[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by rr13

For those following my situation, my parents brought my brother home this weekend. He had been in the hospital 3 times since July, is in very bad health and was homeless. So now he's living with my parents until they can get him qualified for social security and can find someplace for him to live where he can be cared for. This is causing me a lot of stress. I hoped to never have to see my brother again, but now I'll have to see him every Sunday. All the attention will now be on him and my parents will ignore me even more than before. I'm feeling very angry since I need help from my parents, but I'll never get it.

Since I can't change the fact that I have to see my parents every week due to my financial situation, my therapist suggested I forgive them and my brother. I don't know if I can do that though. How do you forgive people when the situation that's making you angry and resentful is being thrown in your face all the time?

Without knowing what your situation/relationship is like with your parents in general, I say this: Your parents are in a "precarious" position here. Apparently your brother is, let's say, much worse off than you are and so their attention needs to be more focused on him. It is very difficult for a parent to have to choose between children. And, if their resources are limited, the fact is they can only do so much.

It may help you to simply put yourself in their shoes . . . if you had two children who needed a lot of help/attention and one was a little more worse off, how would you handle that? In addition, there is no handbook for parents and dealing with their children. They just have to do the best they can.

Now, I would also like to say, that unless your brother has done something to you specifically that causes you to be in a position of needing to find forgiveness, then this is just about acceptance, not forgiveness. In other words, if he hasn't hurt you directly in some way and it's just about the fact that he's causing everyone so much pain, you need to accept the fact that he is a broken man. He's not doing anything intentionally, he's just a lost soul.

Sometimes a person simply needs to accept what's been put on their plates and then do whatever is necessary for themselves.

[rr13]

Well, my brother has been the cause of my parents ignoring me and my emotional and financial needs since I was a child and into adulthood. I still need financial help from my parents, but since they've had to literally support my brother financially for the past 30 years, they haven't been there for me like I need them to be. So I guess I feel resentful towards my brother because I've had to struggle most of my life and feel like I have no family at all.

[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by rr13

Well, my brother has been the cause of my parents ignoring me and my emotional and financial needs since I was a child and into adulthood. I still need financial help from my parents, but since they've had to literally support my brother financially for the past 30 years, they haven't been there for me like I need them to be. So I guess I feel resentful towards my brother because I've had to struggle most of my life and feel like I have no family at all.

You cannot change the situation, your brother or your parents. All you can do is do what you need to do for yourself and not focus on all that. You say you need financial help from your parents. What causes that? Do you believe that your parents actually want to be drained emotionally and financially by their son?

You keep referring to needing financial help from your parents but because they are doing so much for your brother, they aren't 'there' for you. Are your parents otherwise supportive, nurturing, and caring of you? That is all a parent really is expected to and should do for a child that is an adult and is otherwise able to care for themselves. If they aren't, then you need to work harder at getting yourself financially stable and be independent of them.

If they are "good parents" to you emotionally, they need you to be patient and supportive of them and the situation.

As for resenting your brother, I think you'll have to trust for the moment, that this round of support your parents are giving him, will be the catalyst for him to get on his own two feet better at least and that your parents themselves can be at peace as well.

Hmmm, without knowing the situation this sounds to me like it might be jealousy. This makes the idea of forgivenes that much harder I believe.

I agree with the above that it sounds like your parent's hands are very full. I choose to think it is not a matter of opting to give one child more attention and ignorring the other. It seems your brother needs more attention he receives it accordingly. Is your own relationship with your brother unfixable. Would helping him out yourself provide to you any sort of satisfaction?

And the relationship you do have with your parents. Do you feel comfortable enough to sit them down and let them know your concerns of being lost in the frenzy to help your brother?

For me the turning stone wasn't me talking to my parents but instead talking to my brother about my feelings. He actually admitted to his playing a part in getting more attention. He stopped 'demanding' their attention and things really improved - including what was a horrible relationship I had with him.

[rr13]

No, my parents are not otherwise caring, nurturing or supportive. My dad is emotionally abusive. They caused the situation with my brother themselves too by giving him money for years even though they knew he was lying to them. He's been homeless for the past 2 years and spent all the money my parents gave him on drugs. They knew that, but kept doing it anyway. So I don't feel sorry for my parents either.

I need financial help from them because I have several chronic health conditions that have left me in a lot of debt over the years paying for doctors and prescriptions that aren't covered by insurance. I was also in a low paying job that didn't provide any kind of raise for 8 years. I'm in a new job, but the pay isn't much more and the insurance is worse. Due to my health, I can't get a part-time job to supplement my income, so I rely on my parents until I can get a better paying job.

My parents wouldn't care about my feelings if I talked to them. They're selfish people who only care about helping themselves. I can't talk to my brother either because he now has brain damage from a stroke and doesn't even know where he is half the time.

[JadeAmethyst]

I hear your pain, may this suffering
bring open hearted healing and growth
to you and your family situation.

Jade

[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by rr13

No, my parents are not otherwise caring, nurturing or supportive. My dad is emotionally abusive. They caused the situation with my brother themselves too by giving him money for years even though they knew he was lying to them. He's been homeless for the past 2 years and spent all the money my parents gave him on drugs. They knew that, but kept doing it anyway. So I don't feel sorry for my parents either.

I need financial help from them because I have several chronic health conditions that have left me in a lot of debt over the years paying for doctors and prescriptions that aren't covered by insurance. I was also in a low paying job that didn't provide any kind of raise for 8 years. I'm in a new job, but the pay isn't much more and the insurance is worse. Due to my health, I can't get a part-time job to supplement my income, so I rely on my parents until I can get a better paying job.

My parents wouldn't care about my feelings if I talked to them. They're selfish people who only care about helping themselves. I can't talk to my brother either because he now has brain damage from a stroke and doesn't even know where he is half the time.

That is a tough position to be in and I'm sorry you're struggling. Do you belong to a church? Churches can often direct a person to other resources that they aren't aware of and offer food, clothing and basic necessities at least. You have nothing to lose by contacting a local church.

My parents wouldn't care about my feelings if I talked to them. They're selfish people who only care about helping themselves. -- And, yet, they are putting a ton of effort into helping your brother now.

I want you think about whether what you've said about them is true or not. Your deep feelings of resentment may be coloring your ability to talk with them. When is the last time you did make an effort to sit down with them and have a real conversation about all this? I'm concerned that your anger and frustration over the situation are being projected onto them.

[divine1966]

I feel for you but I think as adults we can't really put too much hope into our parents helping us financially. They are obligated to raise us providing us with basics when we are kids but not beyond that. We can want them to help, and it's nice if they can but they don't really "need" to. Especially passed college age. I personally cannot financially help my adult daughter at this point even if I wanted to. It doesn't effect our relationship.

If your brother is dealing with aftermath of stroke and is incapacitated they kind of in a position of having to take him in. Somebody has to. Even if it is caused by his reckless behavior or drugs it's still illness

I know it's a tough situation but all you can do now is try to get into a better place financially so you don't need their help. They are probably older and might in fact need your help soon. Are they still working?retired?

I know you said they are emotionally abusive (so is my dad so I can relate) but you can't say they aren't there for you if they do help you financially. It's more than most parents of adult kids do.

My t says we can't change our parents, we kind of have to accept who they are and move on with our lives and if it is toxic you can limit interactions with them. But you kind of can't as they help you. I don't know if you should forgive whatever wrong doings they did in the past ( my t never said I had to forgive my dad just that i can't change him) but maybe it's helpful to feel some gratitude for what they do for you now

It might at least give you peace of mind

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Hi rr. What you're describing does sound horribly stressful. I was just wondering why you have to see your parents every Sunday. Would it help you to feel less stress to know that you didn't have to go to their house unless you wanted to?

I hate not being positive but this line sticks with me, "They're selfish people who only care about themselves"

The fact that they are taking in and caring for a physically, emotionally, and mentally challenged son AND helping you financially doesn't support that. Where would you have your brother go then?

It is NOT a parent's responsibility to care for or financially support an adult child.

I am not dismissing that there is trouble in the relationships, especially your feeling your own relationship with mom and dad has been compromised by your brother's difficulties. Is there anything you can do to participate in the situation that might build the bridge from your end?

[rr13]

The reason I say my parents are selfish is because the only reason they kept giving my brother money for years and bailing him out every time he got into trouble since he was 16, was to keep it a secret from their friends and family. My entire life I've been told to lie to my friends and grandparents if my brother was in jail or in trouble. My parents never wanted anyone to know because they were afraid of what people would say about them. He was living in Atlanta for the past 6 years after a huge fiasco that my parents had to bail him out of, but they lied to their friends saying he moved for a job. For 6 years they've been lying to their friends to make it seem like they have the perfect family. My parents are all about appearance. Even my therapist has said they basically helped him all his life to keep the secret so no one would find out. So they help out when it benefits them, but they don't help just to help someone else.

They haven't helped me that much. In fact, many times they told me they couldn't help me because they had to pay his rent. So I was left on my own. I know I'm an adult, but I have chronic health issues that prevent me from getting a second job. So I'm doing the best I can. I don't belong to a church. I have the basics, I just need more money to pay off my credit card debts I've run up over the last 7 years paying doctors out of pocket when my crappy insurance didn't cover it.

Well, my feeling is, if my parents don't help me so I can get back on my feet, there's no way I 'll be able to help them. All this stress is making my health worse. If my health keeps going downhill like it is, I won't be in any physical or mental shape to help them when the time comes.

I haven't ever actually sat down and talked with my parents because they've never been responsive any time I've wanted to talk about anything serious. My parents love living in denial of how things really are. As soon as you start talking about something that's not positive, they shut down. I always joke that seeing them is like being in the movie Pleasantville. All conversation has to be pleasant and about nothing important. The only time it's about something serious is it's their problem they need to vent about. I'm sorry, but what parent keeps giving their child money knowing that child is using it to buy drugs? My brother has lied to them his entire life, stolen from them and caused them nothing but pain, but they kept helping him. They told me they would rather pay his rent in Atlanta to keep him away from them. They never wanted him to move back here. They never wanted to see him again. None of us did. Even in his state that he's in, he still tells lies and refuses to take care of himself. He has HIV and refuses to take the meds. I don't believe in helping anyone who won't help themselves. Again, my parents only did to keep the secret.

I go over there every Sunday to do laundry and to stay on their good side so they will still help me when they can. My parents don't help out of the goodness of their heart. There are strings attached. If I go against them or piss them off, they'll stop helping me.

[rr13]

Just because someone is of a certain age, doesn't mean they can automatically take care of themselves. Everyone has their own set of circumstances and challenges. There's no one rule book that covers everyone. Financial troubles and illness can happen to anyone at the blink of an eye. So please don't judge me just because I've needed extra help.

[divine1966]

They sound emotionally unhealthy and so are mine. So it's hard. But they do help both kids. Maybe one more than the other but they do. Even if they alternate motive.

I understand not helping people who don't help themselves but he is their son. It is hard to deny help to ones children. It's not like anything else in life.

They must be in advanced age yet they help both adult children. They are difficult people but they had a choice to not help either of you, yet they do. They do make a choice and its to help adult kids.


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[Mygrandjourney]

This sounds like a big enabling situation as you have described it. Your brother is the so called, " identified patient" in the family and the world appears to revolve around him. There's lots of literature on this very topic as well as support groups in most towns/cities. Please do what you can to find a healthy, compassionate support system, which, unfortunately, may be outside of your immediate family. I have a hunch that despite your parents' efforts at keeping your brother's issues a secret over the years, that at least a few of your relatives either know or have suspicions that your parents are covering for him. I hope you can find some support and possibly help, you sound like you deserve it after living with this for most of your life. Please keep us posted.

[divine1966]

There is nothing wrong receiving help from your parents from your parents. Both you and your brother require help from your parents. It's just maybe he requires more as his situation is worse. It's sad they had to lie. They enabled him to continue his life style. They are enablers but it's tough to tell the truth about ones children.

I wonder about him not taking Meds for HIV. Does he have aids already or not yet? There is no cure. You can just prolong life. Maybe he doesn't want to live? I've met people with aids. They have so many side effects from Meds that I could see how one gives up. It must be painful for them to know he has that.

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Obviously there are some deep issues. There is no denying that mom and dad treat you differently and have their own emotional issues. BUT. I just can't get past my belief that you expect mom and dad to come to your financial aid. It seems you feel that their helping your brother is a threat to this expectation. Mom and Dad have their faults but it sounds to me like they are doing their best to help their children.

I go over there every Sunday to do laundry and to stay on their good side so they will still help me when they can. My parents don't help out of the goodness of their heart. There are strings attached. If I go against them or piss them off, they'll stop helping me.

Oh. I thought maybe they'd be understanding if you said that you were very stressed by your brother's presence at their house and would prefer not to come over for a while. It sounds like they might not like it if you said that, though.

[specialneedsmom]

Its possible to forgive someone, without accepting what they are dishing out to you. You can still feel bad about your situation. Your feelings are okay.

[rr13]

I'm not a spoiled brat who just expects her parents to be there with the checkbook whenever I need money. My parents have never shown compassion or love my entire life any other way except giving money and paying for things. Giving money is literally the only way my parents know how to show they love their children. So to me, when they say they can't help me financially when they know I'm struggling to pay my bills, and then rub it in my face that the reason they can't help is because they have to pay my brother's rent, sends me the message that they don't love me. So it's not just an expectation to get money for the sake of getting money. To my parents, giving money equals love. No money means they don't love you. So it hurts to know my parents love a drug addict who doesn't even care if he lives or not, and they don't love me.

No, he doesn't have AIDS yet, but his lack of immune system has caused him to be hospitalized 3 times in the past few months. My brother has always been stubborn to the point of not even caring about his own health. Every time he ended up in the hospital is because someone, even strangers on the street, called 911 or forced him to go. He won't even admit he has HIV even when it's in black and white on paper.

My mother doesn't care if I'm happy or not or if I'm stressed or not. She would rather me be totally miserable as long as it meant I was still coming over, because that way my mom can live in her fantasy world and pretend she has one big happy family. My parents really do only care about themselves and how things look to the outside world.

We don't have any relatives nearby, so unless my parents have told them, none of them know the truth. Since my brother hasn't lived here for 6 years, it was easy for my parents to lie to their friends.

I remain unconvinced.

But I think there are still things you can do. I truly believe sitting down and talking with one or more of your family members is the key. Just one (difficult) conversation with my own brother changed the family dynamics after 45 years of grief and feeling disrespected, unloved, and unfairly treated. Maybe if you were to ask your parents how you might help? That may be the cause for change in your own family.

I don't think you can expect your parents, and brother, to come to their senses and change. I think you need to be part of that change - as difficult as it sounds, as sickening as that sounds.

Incidentally, I actually myself have recieved the occasional financial assistance from my father. I do not expect it though and manage myself on the limited income assistance provides me. I DO understand that $$ can be equated with love, or in my case to make up for past wrongs. But, I manage things according to NOT expecting these occasional gifts and I make my own efforts to try to maintain positive contact despite the pain previously caused me.

[Bill3]

From the following little vignette, I learned that we might need to forgive more than once in order to finally forgive. We can take steps towards forgiveness, perhaps partially forgive, or forgive certain parts of what was done. We can keep working on it over time.

I once was in a rage at a police officer in the village where I live for abusing my youngest son for no good reason. I stomped about my house for several days in a fury of anger at the officer. I knew I would be miserable unless I forgave him. But I did. I did forgive him. I forgave him by going into my study and getting on my knees, and saying, "Officer Maloney, I forgive you. In the name of God, I forgive you."

About a year later I saw this same officer drive by in a patrol car and I had to do it all over again. Only it was easier the second time. Then, a few years later, I heard that he had been fired from the force for abusive conduct. Hearing that tasted sweet as honey to me. I secretly smacked my lips with vengeful satisfaction. Then I realized I needed to forgive him one more time. Which I did.

And, who knows, I may have to do it a few more times before I'm over it.

https://www.calvin.edu/academic/phil..._forgiving.pdf

[divine1966]

I do think that therapy might be very helpful in your situation. Unless we heal our childhood wounds it's tough to move on with life and be happy. Does the online therapy help?

Also at some point we need to so called "leave home", have our own lives, develop our identities separate from our parents so we don't stay pre-occupied with our parents and what they do or don't do. I don't think we need to forgive but just get busy with our own lives. My t says don't dwell on things and don't let them to keep you from enjoying your life.

My dad is difficult but I am too busy to focus on it.



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[rr13]

I guess the part of "expecting" the help comes from not understanding how they can help my brother, knowing they're being lied to and knowing the money they give him is going towards drugs, instead of helping their other child who has chronic health issues and has gone deeply into debt because of those issues and who can't get a part time job. What parent would blow off a sick child to help an addict who doesn't even want to help himself? They're pretty much saying to me, we know you're sick and struggling, but we don't care.

The online therapist is helping some, but she's being too pushy right now. She thinks I need to forgive my brother and both my parents. She gave me an assignment a few weeks ago, but I've been busy and also not ready to do it yet, so now she's upset with me, saying she thinks I'd rather stay angry. That's not true at all, but emotions aren't light switches. You can't just expect someone to turn themselves around and forgive someone when you want them to. People have to heal in their own time. I think because she works on a military base, she's a lot less sensitive.

If it weren't for my health issues and all the money it's costed me and put me into debt, i honestly wouldn't care what my parents did. They made their bed, they have to lie in it. But it's directly affecting me. If I could get a part time job I would, but I physically can't, and I'm struggling to pay all my bills on my salary alone.

[Bill3]

What parent would blow off a sick child to help an addict who doesn't even want to help himself? They're pretty much saying to me, we know you're sick and struggling, but we don't care.

Some people I know are so fearful of their addicted child attempting suicide that they enable her by attending to her every whim. They do care about their other child but they are terrified for the addicted one.