any advice?

Ok, so my ex-husband and I are now living together and back in a relationship, but it's important I give you some general history here. My ex n I had dated each other 3yrs (most of it living together) before marrying, and then were married for almost 7yrs - however, the relationship was never truly "healthy" because he was being progressively more n more emotionally n psychologically abusive to me n i, in my backwards attempt of "escape" kept looking to start affairs with men online - n fell in love with one in the end. I divorced my ex n within a month, the other guy left me too - things happened in a crazy way that landed me living with my ex again n slowly we have formed a relationship again. We both have forgiven each other because we understand we each were at fault but also that both of us had traumatic childhoods as well n very hard lives after childhood, so its kind of a mutual understanding n compassion that allowed us to rekindle our love. We have admitted tge wrongs we did to each other, but at times, I see him slipping back into his controlling behaviors n depending on his mood I may or may not point it out to him to try to make sure we don't go down a bad path again n have asked him to do the same when I do something that upsets him but he is good at keeping it in til we argue n then I hear "you do that too" n when I ask for an example I get "if you don't know when you do things then you r worse off than me, that's just common sense" - so my question is two-fold:

How do I get better communication flowing in the relationship n is this going to be something I will regret doing anyway, is abuse just lingering around the bend again?

I have been back with him a year in March, and the most that has really happened is blame being shifted on me kinda thing-nothing super alarming but i recognize it from our past n it scares me

***What's changed ? You have two people who seem destined to repeat the past all over again.
I know for me that if I was ever to get back with my ex there would have to be some DRASTIC changes , almost miraculous , to make it work.***

Good luck

Blame shifted on you is typical abusers tactics. Have you done any counseling ?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

We tried counseling in the past but honestly the counselors seemed to provoke the abuse more - telling him I deserved that treatment n that any self-respecting man would do the same n telling me that it was understandable I would feel the need to seek security because of my borderline personality - but that I was the cause of everything that was happening. So we don't want to seek more counseling til we move. As to what has changed - he is no longer swinging weapons at me n stopping just before hitting me nor is he telling me the severely hurtful things he used to - right now its just flares, more like the "escalation" part of the cycle - if indeed that is what it is, bc we are legitimately under a lot of stress too n trying to make changes while stressing can be hard so it may not be him trying to be abusive-in fact now when i point it out he has started acknowledging n recognizing it-but rather just him "defaulting back to what he knows" while he is stressing?

I do go to counseling - but my counselor has recently started telling me I no longer need her bc my issues r gone (after 4mo time) and has been putting me off

That sounds messed up of your counselor to determine weather or not your issues are "gone". I would find a new tdoc because it sounds like you can really use some guidance right now. And from personal experience, if he was abusive then, then it's bound to happen again. Putting blame back on you is typical of an abuser. I was in a n abusive relationship where he would talk to me like that all the time. The relationship ended with me in a neck brace for 2 wks and him in jail for attempted murder. Trust me, it may be better for now but he won't change over night. I would suggest counseling for you guys but honestly I don't think you should be with a man that treats you like this. Someone will get hurt here! Please be careful and know that you deserve much better.

Dx: BP2, PTSD, bulimia/anorexia
Seroquel 300mgs
Trileptal 300mgs
Buspar 45mgs
Ativan 1mg PRN
Vyvance 70mgs PRN

I have been back with him 8mo now n its just starting to get tense but we have true stress bc a bill collector keeps coming to the door n honestly watching us outside our window etc n cops say it is legal

please be careful!!!he seems to be abusing you again. don't let it get worse

I am being careful - n definately won't let it get as it was before, I sincerely think a lot of it is stress atm tho - just not sure how to best help him cope? He seems to want me to suggest solutions but I don't know anything to suggest

Bill collectors? Who doesn't pay bills: you or him?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Has your counsellor said the issues are gone or has your counsellor said they have improved. Most counselling I'm aware of is 3-4mos blocks where goals are made. Making improvement on those goals is seen as accomplishing the task. Completely different than that of wiping them out all together. Is it possible then your counsellor feels that you have made headway on coping with certain issues? Just a thought.

Now, to the real problem at hand; your relationship. Have you voiced your expectations of the relationship to your partner? And don't forget that conversation goes both ways - you need to also voice your expectations of your own behaviour (what you will bring to the table). You need to ask your partner what they think the relationship should look like. Remember though that the conversation shouldnt' just include "this is what I want from you" but also offer up "this is what I feel I can give". I can't stress that enough.

Yes my counselor said verbatim "your issues are gone." And yes I have told him my expectations n asked him directly for feedback on his expectations n needs n I continue to listen when he gets upset by something I do or say n I tell him when something concerns me. The problem is with all the stress - it is causing a lot of difficulty first of all in not transfering blame n secpndly in being able to listen to each other n lastly in not blowing up from the stress level. We are both just starting to regain trust in each other again so when you put a lot of stress in the situation the trust gets stretched thin making the stress that much worse n the blowouts more volatile - so far we have been able to talk them through I just get nervous. But like I said it has been 8mo I been back n it is only since this company started being like this that he been even showing signs of being bad at all so maybe it is just my nerves n all the stress?

It is a loan that he defaulted on-it happens

If you can go back that far, is that the way it began the first time?

I honestly don't remember - but knowing what the abuse cycle is I would say it is at the very least something similar.

I think you're re-creating, finding a way to relive your childhood trauma......people often do this in order to gain a sense of power, change the outcome, etc.

This has nothing to do with my childhood...I actually left my husband and fled to an abuse shelter n divorced him - then when I was kicked from the shelter I wound up back here again. Things have been really good - but the last month its been getting a bit rocky again (I've been back about 9mo now). So yes, I went through some abuse as a child - but this has nothing to do with that.

Not even a smidgen?? Childhood wounds play out in a myriad of ways.

Why were you 'kicked out?' And why go back to him, of all people?

So, he defaulted on a loan, let them summons him to court for a judgement.

And if you've a personality disorder diagnosis, I didn't realize there was a cure for any counselor to pronounce you out of therapy?

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

Ok - first question: "Not even a smidgen?"
You tell me (keep in mind this is emotional n psychological abuse):


So - if you want to say that has to do with my childhood, so be it - your opinion is your entitlement. I stand by my assessment of my life.

Second question: "Why were you kicked out?"
There was a situation which arose that caused me severe depression and one of the workers became concerned I was suicidal. She called the police to take me for an evaluation. I was cleared for that but the hospital was concerned I had been having multiple minor heart attacks so kept me overnight for observation. When the hospital released me it was 30min past when the workers leave for the day so I called the hotline to tell them I needed to be picked up. They gave me a lot of excuses as to why they cannot pick me up - including "I do not know where you are at" (even after I told them my location). The hospital refused to let me leave without transportation and an escort- but for every hour I stayed after my official release I was being charged double the fee for staying that my insurance would not cover. The community buses were no longer running that day (it was a Saturday), and I was not allowed to take a taxi to the shelter because it was supposed to be an anonymous location. So - I had to find somewhere else to go, but only other place to go was my ex-husband house. So - I had a taxi take me there - but I could not leave til Monday bc community buses didn't run again til then n when I called to tell shelter I would b back on Monday they simply said to meet them somewhere to pick up my things.

Third: "And why go back to him of all people?"
Family had made it clear before I left for shelter they would not help me in any way, had no friends, no other shelter to go to, no money for bus

Fourth: "So, if he defaulted on a loan, let them summons him to court." If the company had acted in a legal manner it would have been fine - following us around physically, speaking to me about the loan when I am on it in no way, threatening to take away items for a non-secured loan, threatening to garnish his disability check, threatening to put him up on fraud charges, pounding on our door so hard it scares the neighbors, leaving information about the loan taped to our door - none of that was legal but was designed to cause stress and he already gets disability for psychological problems so it was all very illegal - we have had to seek legal help

Last: "And if you've a personality disorder diagnosis, I didn't realize there was a cure for any counselor to pronounce you out of therapy?"
A couple things on this:
- Borderline Personality Disorder does not have to be a disorder which negatively affects a person for their entire life. The person can learn how to retrain their thinking amongst other things and this causes the person to be able to interact in a manner which is not unhealthy either to the person or others. Borderline Personality Disorder is often brought on by an abusive childhood and can thus be worked through if dealt with in the correct manner. There are other factors which can also cause Borderline Personality Disorder but when abuse is a factor, working through that allows the person to heal and relearn how to perceive things and deal with things. Most personality disorders are lifelong, Borderline Personality Disorder can be but it also may not be.
- Just because a therapist ir a doctor is not supposed to do something does not mean they never do it. If that were the case would you hear of

Now, questions and comments for you - what exactly gives you the right to come at me in such an aggressive manner as if I am somehow on trial and you are my judge? You don't know me from Adam. If you want to give me advice, fine - do that. Don't second guess what I have said as if you somehow know more about me than I do. Don't come at me as if I am somehow not worthy of posting here - do I not measure up to your standards of what you think people here should be? If that is the case - when exactly was a profile made that decided what kind of problems a mentally ill person was allowed to have or not have? Do you just have a problem with people who state they have been abused - or is it that I revealed one of my diagnoses? I have honestly learned over time not only to accept the person I am (that does not mean I cannot change whatever parts I feel need changing) but to love and respect myself too, and while at times I may find I have moments where my self esteem slips or I become depressed - I will not allow it to happen simply because of words like the ones you flung at me. I find what you said to be quite insulting and honestly seems to be purposely meant to cause harm or trigger. You have angered me a bit I will admit, but nowhere close to trigger so if either of those were your intent, you failed. If you did not intend on doing either - I would seriously check what you say before sending it - and ask yoyrself "how would I feel if I were this person and read this?"

People UNKNOWINGLY recreate trauma. Most are unaware of it until they're well into the re-creation or afterwards.

I'd say there is a HIGH chance of you re-creating as you date so many abusive men, this one for a second time.

My question for you is why don't you think you deserve better?

There is something within you that is drawing you to abusive relationships. I think it's worth examining this in therapy.

How long were you in therapy?

I wish you well..I'm out

Perhaps I do need a filter when asking questions. However I'm not going to be bombarded with trigger code after trigger code because you're angry. I'm not even sorry

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

Nope first trigger code was to answer your question properly - second was to make a point - neither had to do with anger; but I think if you read it in completion as you should have being you asked the question, you would have realized that. PS I truly am not sorry - not for answering your questions as truthly as I could, nor for making my points as clear as I could, nor for asking the questions of you I found pertinent (the questions were the only thing having to do with my anger and even those were not worded in an unhealthy manner - but rather only in a manner to describe how your questioning of me came across)

I am still in therapy and if you read my response to the other person who replied just after you - pertaining to my abuse - you will get the whole story on why I returned. You assume you know things about me without first asking. Would you say I more deserve to live on the streets? I am still in therapy - have been for the majority of 15yrs but the therapists here are not good at all and I am not talking about the results they get - I am talking about using abusive words on their clients or almost falling asleep during visits. I am speaking of true things that are not what one should expect from their counselor.

Your husband is extremely abusive, my jaw dropped reading it how awful it is, pepper spray and button story...ugh. But we can't change or often understand other people. All we can change or fully understand is ourselves.

I would explore in therapy why you are ok staying with extremely abusive man and it doesn't seem to phase that much yet you become angry and pretty hostile with anonymous posters who only wish you well?

I would definitely explore that in therapy. I would kind of expect person being angry and terrified around such awful husband and kind of not be bothered with what some random forum members say. But it's the other way around with you!

I strongly believe therapy might help. And yes you tolerating abuse is a lot to do with your childhood, you recreate it. Please talk to your t about it

And single people do not need to live on the streets. I am single must of my adulthood , I am 50 snd certainly never lived on the street. I rent an apartment and did so my whole life. One doesn't need a husband to survive and be off the streets. And if you are abused there is domestic abuse shelter. I wish you well

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

You still didn't read it all - what he did is past - he is no longer my husband, he is my ex husband. Just because people "rarely" change does not mean they "never" change. Nobody ever asked me about the updates having to do with today - what I told had to do with people criticizing me over what my abuse is and is not or was and was not. At the moment, I am not being abused, I am simply having moments with him that are argumentative or disagreeable - but those moments still rattle me because of our past. When I came back, we both laid down ground rules as to what would n would not b acceptable from the other. I was not innocent of wrong doing either. Both of us wronged each other. No, that does not mean that he had the right to abuse me and I make sure he knows that - because a counselor here told me (in front of him) the exact opposite. As far as why I asked about living on the streets - you seem to have not read all of that either.

No family would help me.
The abuse shelter kicked me out n no other shelter locally that will take women in for more than a week
I have no friends
I had no money at the time

So yes - it was streets or here...

As far as hostility- I tend to get rather angry when people keep presuming they know me better than I know myself. For example - you stated counseling would help me, but I stated twice in my previous response that I am still in counseling and have been in counseling for the better part of 15 years. I get extremely tired of people insisting my facts are incorrect because their conclusions and assumptions of me have to be correct. Perhaps if I jump on your next post that you start and begin making a bunch of assumptions about you and insisting I am right even though I am no professional nor have I ever met you, you would take to it in a kinder fashion? Maybe I should test it out....