[Macd123]

Having a hard time being alone tonight. Last couple of years haven't been good relationship wise and I'm getting so damn old. What I'm really afraid of is being strong enough to get out there again - I really don't feel good about my chances of getting a solid relationship going. I am just so damn exhausted and I'm not young anymore I don't know where the inspiration is going to come from. I know I need to change direction but I'm so set in my ways and I've let a zillion years slip by without getting any experience in getting close to people. I feel in danger of total paralysis and becoming a shut in. I just get the feeling that I should have started this relationship stuff a long time ago - now it might be too late to really be happy. I've never been a drinker but lately I've been thinking what's the difference if I just get drunk. I know I need to be strong but this is horrible and I'm tired. Thanks

I used to consume alcohol when I felt depressed and alone, but my doctor recommended me to stop drinking completely as my liver tests weren't good from drinking (I still drink socially). So, yes, I understand the urge to drink to shut down your feeling, but I don't recommend it

About old, you are 60, right? The other day I was talking to someone about how retirement starts at age 60-65, and she said 60 is not that old any more. Funny, right? I don't think so. The average life span now I think is 68 worldwide, which means some people way pass the average, especially in the west where medical care and food are accessible. So, I don't think you are that old, and I think you have a good chance in finding someone.

[Macd123]

Thanks Nickname - I really have been thinking about drinking I can't seem to get going. The thought of going out and going through a whole dating process or whatever just sounds not very appetizing - I've just really had the wind knocked out of my sails - I'm in dead waters. I've been trying to do a little more art work lately and put it online for feedback and it's been good. However, it's not enough to get me going I've really missed the boat on solid friendships and the consequences have come on strong lately. Thanks for listening I really need distractions.

I know it is not easy, and I am probably the last person who is eligible to give you a suggestion on this, but I definitely won't recommend to resort for drinking as a distraction. Your art work sounds like a good distraction, and it keeps your mind sharp. In the mean while there is no harm in keeping an open mind to the possibility of meeting someone. It is not too late.

[Artchic528]

Mac, my friend (if I may call you such), I was much like you not long ago, always wanting always desiring, always aching for a deep meaningful romance with a guy. I would come on here bemoaning my lack of a love life and how it's all I'd ever need to be truly happy. However much I wanted, ached, longed, and prayed for Mr. Right to walk into my life, it wouldn't happen and I would wonder what I did wrong and why I was so unlucky in life.

People would tell me to stop focusing on getting into a serious relationship, stop focusing on how it would supposedly be the miracle cure to what ails me. That I should instead focus on loving myself and making my life as wonderful and complete and happy as I could, and that everything else would simply fall into place and make it all the better.

Sure, I thought, without really believing a word of that. How would taking the time to focus on me make any difference? I would still be single, still be alone. Well, let me tell you. I was beginning to doubt the sanity of everyone around me at that point.

Then, I got to thinking. Really thinking, ya know, deep plentiful contemplation, and I realized. There would be so much I couldn't do if I were in a relationship. So many freedoms that would be replaced with commitments and time I would normally spend on my hobbies and interests, I'd instead be spending on someone else. Is that what I really wanted to do? Sure, a relationship is nice, the sex is nice, the intimate connection of having someone really know you and vice versa is nice, but there's always having to make them happy, always pleasing them in some way or another. Commitments. So many commitments.

My mother said to me one time, "Relationships shouldn't be hard", but she never said anything about them being a cake walk either. It takes work, real effort and commitment to make a relationship function in a healthy manor. It's not just sitting with the opposite sex (or same as the case may be for some) one minute and having wild sex the next. It's about investing time, commitment, money and effort into something that may or may not work out in the long run.

That's when a lightbulb went off in my head. I barely make enough money to fuel my hobbies and cover my costs. How in the world can I be in a relationship if I don't have money to invest into it. Same with time and commitment. Was I truly willing to commit to spending time otherwise spent on playing video games or browsing about on here, with someone whom I was in the process of getting to know? The answer was, to be blunt, I couldn't neither afford to spend money nor time on a relationship if I wanted to continue to pursue my interests. I may be selfish in saying those things, but if I were to be in a relationship, I don't want to short change the guy, expecting him to pick up the tab everywhere we went.

Then there's the whole aspect of the last relationship and how I seemingly broke that guy's heart. It made me sick to think about it. Here he was, investing more into the relationship than I was, and I took him for granted. Now he's gone and probably cried a good cry over ending the relationship. I couldn't do that to another man. I just couldn't. Ending a relationship is hard. It drains you physically, emotionally and even mentally. I couldn't begin to describe how guilty I felt. Not just with my ex, but with the guys I tried to persue over the internet via forums. I made them feel things I'd never wish on my worst enemies, and quite frankly, I can't do that again to anyone, not a guy, not a gal, not anyone.

So here I am, focusing on just making myself happy and improving what life aspects I can to make what I have that much better. Maybe not what I wanted initially, but it's what I want now, and you know what? I couldn't be happier in my choices. After all, they say "It's what you're not looking for, you'll find." It's true ya know. I know it sounds silly, a load of crock, but it really does have a ring of truth in it.

For example, a guy typically doesn't go for the woman who is throwing themselves all over them and basically asking when the wedding date will be. Same goes for women looking for men. That kind of throws off a "I'm beyond desperate and will bang anything that moves" vibe. Not attractive in the least. However, a guy who has his life all together and focuses more on doing what he loves, and loving what he's doing? Very attractive. Women like that, I'm assuming, are very attractive to men in the same way.

So, ya know, sorry to write such a hefty novel sized post, and maybe you won't read it all, but if you do skim on down to the end, the part right here, my advice to you is to relax, enjoy yourself and do what you love for the time being. Focus your entire existence on being happy with that. Sure, it's not initially what you may have wanted, but sooner or later, it'll all fall into place and Mrs. Right might wander into your life when you least expect her to.

Hope you're feeling better and don't sweat the small stuff, okay?

@Artchic528: I respectfully disagree. People have the right to pursue and find love. If you are happy by yourself it is your choice, and good for you, but it is not necessarily the choice for everyone. It is not for me. It is not enough to have your life together. You need to do more steps to find love. People don't just spot you while working from or staying at home. Others are willing to invest in relationships to find the return multiplied. I do. Of course if we cannot find a relationship, we have no choice but to accept ourselves and our current situation and find something else to distract us, but that doesn't mean to stop pursuing love altogether and accept the fact of living alone permanently. Another point is that you are about half the age of Macd123, so he's spent enough time by himself, and he doesn't need more time by himself to know himself and have his life together. I don't think so. In general the idea of having your life together before finding someone is not so appealing to me, because relationships are a place of and an opportunity for mutual growth. If people waited to be perfect before getting into a relationship, they would never get into one. This is my opinion, and I respect yours

[Macd123]

Thanks artchick, I hate to keep being a pain but you know I've lived a long time alone and about the only thing that kept me going is that I'm a really good solo act. I do have interests, I've travelled, played piano, wrote poetry, cooked, etc. The problem I've had lately is it seems all the years of being alone is hitting my like a thousand pound hammer. I found in the last couple of years that I'm extremely vunerable to being crushed romantically. It was always easy for me to steer clear of people and never make any real bonds - everything has always felt so distant and not real. So the byproduct of all this avoidance is that I'm an extremely needy and impatient individual in the relationship area, i.e. I don't know if I can go through the process of developing a healthy relationship. I don't even think I know how. This is a process I should have went through in my twenties and that was a long time ago. Bottomline is a gotta fight big insecurities and general lack of knowledge about approaching people. I just don't know if I want to put in the effort anymore.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by Nickname

@Artchic528: I respectfully disagree. People have the right to pursue and find love. If you are happy by yourself it is your choice, and good for you, but it is not necessarily the choice for everyone. It is not for me. It is not enough to have your life together. You need to do more steps to find love. People don't just spot you while working from or staying at home. Others are willing to invest in relationships to find the return multiplied. I do. Of course if we cannot find a relationship, we have no choice but to accept ourselves and our current situation and find something else to distract us, but that doesn't mean to stop pursuing love altogether and accept the fact of living alone permanently. Another point is that you are about half the age of Macd123, so he's spent enough time by himself, and he doesn't need more time by himself to know himself and have his life together. I don't think so. In general the idea of having your life together before finding someone is not so appealing to me, because relationships are a place of and an opportunity for mutual growth. If people waited to be perfect before getting into a relationship, they would never get into one. This is my opinion, and I respect yours

Age has nothing to do with finding love. It happens on it's own schedule. I know of 90 year olds who met and fell in love. It happens, so age is but a number in the grand scheme of things, really.

I like that you respect my opinion, and I respect yours, but like you I disagree. Maybe he has spent a lot of time alone, but that was time spent being miserable, he now should focus on spending it being happy. It'll go faster that way, and he'll be in a relationship before he knows it.

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by Macd123

Thanks artchick, I hate to keep being a pain but you know I've lived a long time alone and about the only thing that kept me going is that I'm a really good solo act. I do have interests, I've travelled, played piano, wrote poetry, cooked, etc. The problem I've had lately is it seems all the years of being alone is hitting my like a thousand pound hammer. I found in the last couple of years that I'm extremely vunerable to being crushed romantically. It was always easy for me to steer clear of people and never make any real bonds - everything has always felt so distant and not real. So the byproduct of all this avoidance is that I'm an extremely needy and impatient individual in the relationship area, i.e. I don't know if I can go through the process of developing a healthy relationship. I don't even think I know how. This is a process I should have went through in my twenties and that was a long time ago. Bottomline is a gotta fight big insecurities and general lack of knowledge about approaching people. I just don't know if I want to put in the effort anymore.

Oh, I totally get that. I'm contemplating the whole "socializing" concept myself. People are far too often big disappointments IMHO. I'm done investing my time, effort, and a good chunk of emotions, into a connection when the other person won't even bother to reach out for months, or at all anymore. What makes it so they just drop off my radar? It's been like this since I can remember. I invest too much only to get zip in return. People are really REALLY trying some days. Ya know?

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Age has nothing to do with finding love. It happens on it's own schedule. I know of 90 year olds who met and fell in love. It happens, so age is but a number in the grand scheme of things, really.

I like that you respect my opinion, and I respect yours, but like you I disagree. Maybe he has spent a lot of time alone, but that was time spent being miserable, he now should focus on spending it being happy. It'll go faster that way, and he'll be in a relationship before he knows it.

I still disagree , but at least we agree to disagree

[Macd123]

I do understand artchick when she says you invest time in making a friendship and then people just cut off contact. This is really true when your friend is the opposite sex and a man comes into their life - that's always been the painful end for me. I've been through it enough to recognize this is just the way humans react - priorities change. It's just a damn shame and it has killed me in the past. You lose a friend and you never feel comfortable trying to climb back into their world. My problem is people are always leaving - they never stay.

This wasn't my objection, though. I agree some people aren't loyal, and hunting for better. But should we stop if that happens? Everyone can answer that question to themselves.

[DechanDawa]

I only have one thing to say...why alcohol? Alcohol is a depressant. Why use alcohol for momentary relief from depression? Or...if you must...drink mindfully. I noticed that when I drank (I do enjoy Pinot Noir and my beloved Guinness) --- that for two to five days afterwards my depression would INCREASE alarmingly. Yikes!!! The LAST THING to do when grappling with serious big life issues is to drink...especially to drink alone. I have stopped drinking any and all alcohol and I feel so much better for it.

I must say I am tending to agree with Artchic on this one. A few weeks ago I looked up a past love on Facebook, and it really screwed with my mind! At that time Artchic told me about her new philosophy of embracing being single. Well, Artchic, I too am now feeling it!

We can ONLY prepare ourselves for future relationships by FIRST having a good relationship with ourselves. I think that is Artchic's essential message.

I also agree with Artchic that relationships - even good ones - take a lot of work. I know as I have been in several long relationships, and have been in marriage, and that is definitely how it went. The healthier one is as a single person, the more they have to give when in a relationship. A good relationship requires vim and vigor!

Worrying about things like one's age or energy level might be an indication of lack of self-confidence. The last person I dated was much younger than me, and the age difference was not an essential factor. It simply doesn't matter and there are tons of couples out there who prove that age is not the single most essential factor in finding a relationship. It is all about self-confidence.

All I really wanted to say is that drowning one's troubles in alcohol is a very bad idea, especially if one is already depressed.

Alcohol kills brain cells. Alcohol is a depressant. Alcohol is an expensive way to self medicate.

Please, please, please don't drink in an effort to escape troubles.

[DechanDawa]

Drinking makes one look older! Makes skin look older. Instead, drink green smoothies and a lot of water and forget the idea about getting drunk. Also, no one over the age of 40 should still be ingesting tobacco.

[Macd123]

Thanks I'm just looking for an escape - anywhere but here.....,

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Macd123

Thanks I'm just looking for an escape - anywhere but here.....,

Well, you know what? I am proud of you that you are here on Psych Central talking about it. Everyone here knows I was in crisis last week and posted about 50 times in a 24 hour period!!! I am feeling much better this week, with my attitude improved. Everyone here brought me through the rough spot I was in. I was headed for the Emergency Room but instead I hung out on Psych Central. The peeps here rock! We understand your pain.

Keep posting, keep talking, and keep hydrated!

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

...
We can ONLY prepare ourselves for future relationships by FIRST having a good relationship with ourselves. I think that is Artchic's essential message.
....

If this is the message of Artchic, then we are on the same page. She just made the impression to forget all about relationships, not to invest in them, playing video games are better than investing time in them, and finding more time to oneself is more valuable basically than finding a relationship, because they take too much time and effort (but even if that is how she viewed things, I would respect that, it is her choice, and I would have wished to be courageous like her to not think about relationships at all). I don't want to make it about myself, but I play video games, and I've invested enough time to know myself. I am far from perfect, but I am not accepting my situation of being alone and waiting to fix every single flaw in my character before getting into a relationship, because I would sit another 33 years doing that.

I agree, don't get into the habit of drinking. It would just deteriorate your health situation, and would solve nothing.

[DechanDawa]

Well, that is the message I took away from Artchic a few weeks ago. Granted, today it did sound like Artchic was a little sour on relationships, and it doesn't help to have the attitude that they are more trouble they they are worth.

I am also not saying that being single cannot be very lonely, and other negative things. However, my thought is that in order to make the future one has to work on the now. If one sits around drinking -- why would anyone be attracted to someone who did that?

It isn't about correcting every flaw. I think people are attracted to someone who is engaged with life. And someone who takes care of themselves. For instance, you might not have the most expensive wardrobe, but people will notice that you are well-groomed, and with clothes clean and pressed.

How many times have people said..."I wasn't looking for love but love found me"? That's probably because they maybe did give up a little on being desperate, and just started to enjoy where they were. This has happened to me in the past.

[JustJenny]

Macd123, different perspective - are you sure you are not suffering from seasonal affective disorder? I see you're from Seattle - I can only imagine what winters are like there. I love Seattle btw.

I live in a part of Europe when winters are rainy and windy. When it rains days in a row I feel like I have failed in my life miserably despite all my achievements. I feel useless and worthless and that nobody needs me or cares for me. I feel that the problems that I have are unsolvable and the good things that I have in life are not that great at all.

Do you feel better when it's sunny?

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

Well, that is the message I took away from Artchic a few weeks ago. Granted, today it did sound like Artchic was a little sour on relationships, and it doesn't help to have the attitude that they are more trouble they they are worth.

I am also not saying that being single cannot be very lonely, and other negative things. However, my thought is that in order to make the future one has to work on the now. If one sits around drinking -- why would anyone be attracted to someone who did that?

It isn't about correcting every flaw. I think people are attracted to someone who is engaged with life. And someone who takes care of themselves. For instance, you might not have the most expensive wardrobe, but people will notice that you are well-groomed, and with clothes clean and pressed.

How many times have people said..."I wasn't looking for love but love found me"? That's probably because they maybe did give up a little on being desperate, and just started to enjoy where they were. This has happened to me in the past.

Dechan, that's exactly the message I was conveying, or at least trying to convey. Maybe Nickname misinterpreted my message, or perhaps my message was a bit less clear than I had hoped. Either way, I was trying to say that a person who takes care of themselves and is happy tends to attract far more romantic attention than one who sits around all day in their own filth and pity. I mean, a person who sits in their own filth and pity all day even sounds unattractive in writing, I can't imagine what they might be like in life.

Okay, say you rely on relationships to make you happy, and find a person to be in a relationship with then said relationship fails at some point? Once they've left, you'll fall into such a deep depression from the loss that you might never recover. It's very unhealthy. That's not to say losing a romantic interest shouldn't make you sad, but it shouldn't be what you depend on for happiness either. Romance shouldn't be what makes your life worthwhile, but a means to enhance an already worthwhile life.

Like I keep on saying, embrace being single, for in that embrace is the strength to keep on chugging in this game we call life with or without a mate by your side. Who knows? When you least suspect it, love might just come along. Isn't that what lovers always say about their loves?

So yeah, sorry for the confusion I might have caused. Maybe I had some embitterment coming out of jealousy from a situation in my life, and that somehow crossed over into my trying to help you Mac. For that, I apologize. I shouldn't have done that. It's not helping anyone at this point.

Anyways, this isn't about me. It's about you, Mac. I hope you can find peace within yourself, and that my advice and support somehow helps you do so.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Dechan, that's exactly the message I was conveying, or at least trying to convey. Maybe Nickname misinterpreted my message, or perhaps my message was a bit less clear than I had hoped. Either way, I was trying to say that a person who takes care of themselves and is happy tends to attract far more romantic attention than one who sits around all day in their own filth and pity. I mean, a person who sits in their own filth and pity all day even sounds unattractive in writing, I can't imagine what they might be like in life.

Okay, say you rely on relationships to make you happy, and find a person to be in a relationship with then said relationship fails at some point? Once they've left, you'll fall into such a deep depression from the loss that you might never recover. It's very unhealthy. That's not to say losing a romantic interest shouldn't make you sad, but it shouldn't be what you depend on for happiness either. Romance shouldn't be what makes your life worthwhile, but a means to enhance an already worthwhile life.

Like I keep on saying, embrace being single, for in that embrace is the strength to keep on chugging in this game we call life with or without a mate by your side. Who knows? When you least suspect it, love might just come along. Isn't that what lovers always say about their loves?

So yeah, sorry for the confusion I might have caused. Maybe I had some embitterment coming out of jealousy from a situation in my life, and that somehow crossed over into my trying to help you Mac. For that, I apologize. I shouldn't have done that. It's not helping anyone at this point.

Anyways, this isn't about me. It's about you, Mac. I hope you can find peace within yourself, and that my advice and support somehow helps you do so.

Thanks so much, Artchic. I think your reply was realistic. It is really true that after the romance part dies down that relationships require a lot of attention. And even a good relationship can sour. I personally never again want to go through the heartbreak I suffered after my marriage ended. It almost broke me for good.

Love should not hurt!

I remember someone once said to me, "Love hurts," and you know, that is just b-------! So it is important to know what love looks like for oneself.

I myself would not mind a little less romance and a little more loyalty.

You really helped me get my head screwed on about all of this, Artchic. Thanks!

[Artchic528]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

Thanks so much, Artchic. I think your reply was realistic. It is really true that after the romance part dies down that relationships require a lot of attention. And even a good relationship can sour. I personally never again want to go through the heartbreak I suffered after my marriage ended. It almost broke me for good.

Love should not hurt!

I remember someone once said to me, "Love hurts," and you know, that is just b-------! So it is important to know what love looks like for oneself.

I myself would not mind a little less romance and a little more loyalty.

You really helped me get my head screwed on about all of this, Artchic. Thanks!

No problem Dechan, PM me anytime you want to talk. I usually respond within a few hours, unless I'm in one of antisocial funks, then give it a day or two and I'll respond.

Now, to get this thread back onto Mac, it his to start with after all. Are you in any way a religious person? There are many different churches and places of spiritual worship you can attend. I'm not devoted to any one faith myself, so I attend a place of spirituality that caters to all sorts of different types of ways to achieve spiritual enlightenment. Perhaps you can play the piano at said place. You'll meet a lot of people that way I think, and maybe a nice lady friend or two.

If that's not your cup of tea, maybe a Meetup groups? I don't really know what all you may be interested in, just throwing out some ideas. I know how hard it can be to make friends, and keep them too.

Also, if I'm not mistaken, you tried your hand at dating 20 something year olds, right? Not that it's necessarily the case all the time, but usually a 20 something young lady isn't in a rush to settle down. They are more interested in learning and exploring their sexuality and whatnot. They are still learning about themselves and what they want out of life. Maybe shoot for the range of 30-50. Much more likely to have tired of the exploration part of life, and more likely wanting to settle down with a nice man such as yourself. You do seem like a nice guy. Just maybe a bit like me when it comes to that whole "socialization" thing. I've dubbed myself socially awkward at best. It's what I like to call a social disability.

Anyways, sorry to ramble. It's late and I'm hopped up on caffeine. Lols.

[DechanDawa]

Did this person say they were having a hard time meeting people, or a hard time deepening relationships?

This person commented, "People are always leaving..."

Maybe someone left recently. Either a friend, or someone significant.

If one does not have a lot of social contacts losing a friend can really be felt. Been there.

I am just going to say what I said before... no matter what...whether someone is going through a loss of a significant relationships, or friendship...or one is simply not satisfied with one's life and is trying to figure out something new...

The management of one's health must be a top priority, especially if one is dealing with depression. The act of doing all the healthy stuff...eating well, sleeping well, exercising...and coping in a positive way...is like building a strong bridge...from here...to there.

Good Luck~!

[Macd123]

Thanks everybody I'm still here. I'm having trouble sleeping so I got up. Anyway, I do exercise and try to eat well. That's the disappointing thing is I think I'm taking care of myself but the emotional part is really taking a toll right now. I'm retired so I part of the problem is staying occupied which I'm trying to work on. Also, I'm recovering from the loss of a friend which I became attached to romantically (mistake) and she didn't. This is really the problem which amplifies the loneliness and paralyses you. People say it will get better but I really don't want to go through another recovery period - I can't take it! Strong is good but boy it would be nice to win once (relationship wise). Thanks again