[rmm5497]

I feel like my house has turned into a bad episode of Jerry Springer...as you've probably read me and my husband are getting divorced, he has a problem controlling his anger, we have nothing in common anymore, I have feelings for someone else...etc, etc roll the credits...ANYWAY, my husband comes home yesterday and says to me "Listen my friend Trish (who he known for about a week just got kicked out her house, she has nowhere to live, no job, no car, she has a two year old and they're gonna send her to a shelter and who knows what will happen to her son...is it OK if she crashes here for awhile. This is so unfair of him to ask me this...he knows I'm not going to say no and tell this girl to pack it over to the shelter but this is like the last thing I need right now in my life...I couldn't sleep all night...I got up at 2 am and just hopped in my car to go for a ride...I was only gone like 10 minutes...I had to get out I felt like I was suffocating...I'm not even compfortable in my own house and of course my husband thought I was going to meet this other person and FLIPPED OUT BIGTIME. He called my friend (At 2 am no less) and told him "He'd made the biggest mistake of his life" then when I pulled up to the house he threw the phone at my truck and then proceeded to moon me at 2 am on our front lawn, So much for civility....arrghhh...."Next on Jerry...soon to be ex's, homeless mothers, almost affairs, and violent outtbursts...what do these things have in common...my house!" I'm so sick of this...My husband is 27 and I have a housefull of 19 year olds every night with a whole slew of issues...I just want a quiet little house with a gardem where my son can play and I can do the things I enjoy with someone I enjoy them with without all this craziness...is that too much to ask? Putting the house up for sale tomorrow...I hope it sells quick...wish me luck!!

[heidu]

I wish you the BEST OF LUCK. There is no way I can express how much I enjoyed reading that you are putting your house up. I think it's a good choice.
Heidu

[CarmenMCL]

I do wish you the best of luck in your situation. I would write more but got to run.
Carmen

[mylife]

He mooned you?!?! I agree with you--I think it was a little insenitive of him to ask if she could stay. Well, to his benefit, at least he asked and didn't just give her the invite without even talking to you first. My future-ex very likely wouldn't have even consulted me. I don't know how many times people have told me while we were married that they were waiting to see me on the Jerry Springer show. Why don't we see if we can go on together?

[rmm5497]

I just san't stand myself sometimes...it's like I knew I didn't want her there but I'm like "yeah, sure, she can stay." Now I'm like "ya know I can't believe you really moved her in." I guess it wouldn't bother me so much except that he stays downstairs with her and sleeps and I'm like "what is my son thinking?" Now he says he doesn't want to sell the house, that he wants to stay there and move in like 3 friends for roommates...he calls me at work and is like "I won't fight you for custody if you let me have the house." so then I get home from school last night and they are doing housework together and it just made me so angry...like they're playing house in my home and just making themselves very comfortable and waiting for me to leave.

[mylife]

Gosh, I know how that feels. My husband got a girlfriend before we we got the divorce papers made up. He started to not feel like coming home and just stayed at a friend's house. He'd stay out late after work. I never knew when or if he was coming home. I felt like as long as I was still living there, he should still come home at night. I was still his wife! He could at least wait until we were separated! I'll be thinking of you.

[heidu]

RMM,
Sounds like you are in a very uncomfortable situation. Is he dating this woman? It just sounds yuck. If he wants to keep the house make sure you protect yourself. If he wants to keep it you have to get your name off the title and also off the loan at the bank which means he would actually have to refinance. My ex and I had a verbal agreement but only because I screwed up on the divorce papers and to change it would've taken alot of time and more money. He also knew I was good for my word. I had his name removed from the title so it was listed as my house BUT I couldn't refinance and was planning to sell so it wasn't so important. Because the loan was in both our names I had complete power to screw him over. If a payment is late, if I forclosed etc etc he was just as liable as I was and there wasn't anything he could do about it but make payments himself to save his credit. Just make sure you are not only off the title but off the loan. Very important.
I may be out of line here so please forgive me if I am but what kind of man uses his children as a bargaining tool for a house. Please make sure you cover your interests in this, it doesn't sound like he would be decent if it got ugly. Be careful!
Heidu

[rmm5497]

It's not that they're dating or that I care if they are...I know our relationship is over and as I said I have feelings for someone else (not that I've acted on them except to tell him how I felt and I'm even seeing him for now (because we both don't think it's appropriate) let alone moving him in or that I intend to jump right into another relationship without consideration for the impact that that would have on my son)...but I do have feelings for someone else and I was honest and did tell my husband that so it's not really for me to be like "how dare you?" even if they were "dating" which I in all honesty I really don't think they are (but then I'm just taking his word for it which is very sketchy at this point...what bothers me is what impact having her in our home at an already confusing time for him, has on our son. I just want to get him away from all of the craziness...my house is just not a healthy environment for him now. I finally got the money I needed today for the lawyer so I'm going to call tomorrow to make an appointment. My husband is convinced that the mortgage company will simply transfer the loan and tilte into his name because they have to if we are getting divorced...does this sound right...I just seem to think not...I work in finance and I can't see how he could do that without requalifying for the mortgage based on his own income(which he could just never do) My lawyer told me that I could technically stay in the house with my son (based on the argument that that is is home and it is in his best interests to stay there) until I remarried or refinanced if I wanted to push the issue but I don't really... I just want to be fair. Oh and that's the other thing...he doesn't want to use lawyers..says he'll be more agreeable if we it pro se "cuz I'm not making him waste money on a lawyer" that just scares me...I can't stand this...just want to move out, hopefully the lawyer will give me the legal OK.

[CarmenMCL]

I would go with the attornery. It sounds to me that your husband is trying to con his way out of responsiblity. The best way to go is definatetly thru lawyers if he don't like it oh well. A divorce isn't easy no matter how much you try to make it so. The only civil ones I have seen are the ones are those with the people who actually are willing to be civil. ( Both Parties not pertaining to your case) From what I understand about how he acts I don't think you will have any problem with custody issue. Mooning you at 2 am in the morning and throwing things about doesn't sound like a stable home life for child to be brought up in. And I am pretty sure that any judge would agree.
Now, relax rmm5497 .
I'm sending you a big hug!
Carmen

[rmm5497]

Thanks...it's hard to relax though I'm trying...this is really scary for me...feel like I'm starting ALL over again and it hurts like hell that another woman is cooking in my kitchen and rearranging my vases, and cleaning my house and I get home from work and SEE all these little things changed in the house I worked so hard to decorate and make a home...I know she's in bad place and I really would probably not have a problem with her staying UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES, I'm trying not to let my own emotions make me less sympathetic...I was 17 and pregnant, I know what it's like to be in bad place in your life, but the circumstances just make it heart wrenching...and then of ocurse theres the fact that my husband is like "wow look how clean the house is" and I feel all inadequate about that...I'm just a terrible housekeeper...by the time I get done with work, school, homework, getting something to eat for dinner...the last thing I feel like doing is cleaning...I'd rather sit down and watch cartoons with my son or read him story or just relax and unwind myself...the laundry kind of gets last billing...all of my cleaning kind of gets delegated to the weekends and whatever doesn't get done in one day...well it just doesn't get done...I don't want to spend my whole weekend cleaning either...just very sad about losing my home...I knew it was coming but I didn't expect to have to watch it's functionality change before my eyes...ahh well I will get another house someday...

[CarmenMCL]

Have you talked to her by yourself yet? It may be very helpful if you did. I know it is an akward situation but maybe if you explained a little bit of it to her she might understand.

[bptoo]

Get a lawyer. Get everything in writing and get you and your son's interests protected. Make sure you let your lawyer know about everything that is going on in the home that is making you uncomfortable or that may be detrimental to your son (the "mooning incident", the girl moving in, etc.). The only people that you owe anything to is yourself and your son. This road is going to be tough enough without you having to worry about making things easier for your husband. When I went thru my divorce many years ago I was on your side of the fence. It's not easy to watch your life change like this, but for what it's worth, we're here for you.

It takes awhile, but it does get better, I promise.

bp

"A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart."

[kitty]

Is the house in your name alone or both your names? If it is in your name alone, there is a good chance you will be able to keep it. Definitely get an atty ASAP. Everything needs to be in writing. Also, I can't imagine having this woman in your house is good for your son. Discuss that with your atty as well and you will probably be able to get her removed - which you should do.Being fair does not mean having your husband take advantage of you. If you are on the mortgage and/or the title, it cannot be transferred to your husband without a court order and you transferring title. You are also correct that a new mortgage would need to be issued, otherwise, you will still be liable. Good luck.

[heidu]

What Kitty said about your mortgage is true. Like I mentioned you can get the house signed over to one or the other but it really means nothing. You have to get yourself off the mortgage period and that means refinancing. I agree with everyone. You need a lawyer to make sure everything is correct and also to protect yourself in the future. Bptoo said it best, you own nothing to anyone except you and your son. It's okay to want to be civilized and but you don't go out of your way to make it nice for him. Ask yourself, would he do that for you? Not that you have to be spiteful but there just is no need to put yourself out especially for some other woman.
I am curious also if you have talked to her. She as a woman should understand how you would feel. She has no business coming into your home moving and changing things. That is your home!!!!
Take care and try your best to relax and get some time for you and your son. (I know easier said than done)
Heidu

[rmm5497]

Have an appointment with the lawyer tomorrow...I'm just not taking his word for it because I just really dont trust him...he tells me yesterday that he has known her "longer than I think" and I also found out that he lied about he financed his car (he told me that got a loan from work and his mom told me that "that while it is not her place to tell me how he did purchase it that she would tell me that he lied to me and there is no loan from work") He also told me yesterday that he has been seeing a therapist for four months and that he is working on his anger but that its no business of anyone's but his and he didn't tell me because he knew I wanted to leave...so all these lies and now I have wonder was he sleeping with both of us (or someone else entirely) at the same time at some point? And if so how do I know that he didn't give me something...is the little boy even hers...she's been here a week and he hasn't been here once and she says she's trying to "find him" because her baby's father took off with him but she doesn't look too distressed and she didn't bring any kids stuff with her things when she moved in...I feel like maybe I'm being played for a total fool...or maybe I'm paranoid...I just don't know anymore. I need this to be over. I had a doctors appointment last night and I missed it (because he needed to talk "right that minute") and now I wish I hadn't missed it because I'm not going to be able to get another appointment for a long time...so many worries...

[heidu]

It sounds like a horrible stressful mess. It's so hard when you don't know what to believe. I hope things will be over soon and that you get some good info from the Atty.
Hang in there sweetie!!
Heidu

[CarmenMCL]

I have been worried about you I hope everything is okay?Let me know if you are still around
Carmen

[rmm5497]

Still here...doing better...I finally got the money together to pay my lawyer his retainer and filed for divorce. My son and I moved out and are staying at my moms house. I know I'm doing the right thing. It has basically degenerated into "you are a ***** who fell for someone else and are now destroying my life and I loved you..." This to me is hilarious because we have ALWAYS had problems in our relationship, I would not have fallen for someone else had we not had drifted apart and it is not merely sexual, I have NEVER slept with this man!! Yes, I should have just ended things when I felt we we had separated emotionally instead of trying to force it and filling the emotional gap with this friendship that has evolved into something wonderful but I can only say that as I soon as I realized what I was really feeling I told both my husband and this man and I really didn't do it intentionally. I'm not the type of person to have an affair. How many women find themselves attracted to someone else and come home and tell their husband because they want to be honest about how they feel, because they would feel incredibly guilty if they didn't...and all I had done was FEEL attracted to him, I didn't have some torrid affair. Does that sound like a *****? I knew that I could not feel the way I realized I did about this person and not examine it any longer and just remain married. Just the fact that I felt this way demonstrated for me the level of separation that my husband and I had acheived and really made me look closely the reasons for it. I'm did not leave for this other person but because my feelings for this other person have help me to realize what was lacking in my relationship with my husband and I have decided that they are things that are not reparable. Even if this other person ends up not being who I think he is I will still be OK because I've ralized two very important things that made me steadfast in my belief that I am doing the right thing. I asked myself two questions. 1. If you did not have a child with him would you stay? and 2. If you met him today would you even be friends with him? And sadly the honest answer to both was no. We will never share the little things that I have come to believe are so important. It kills me I guess though because in some warped way he's right...An emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one and I think in his mind he does "love" me but his definition of love and how one should behave towards someone they love is worlds away from mine. I am never going to think that anything I do justifies my being called a ****. He thinks this is acceptable if "I deserve it" I think that if you truly mean what you say when you say you love someone that needs to mean that you will always treat them with a certain level of respect and understanding and he is completely uncapable of giving these thing until "I do it first" And thats what it boils down to with us...complete lack of respect for each other...I resent having had to be the primary breadwinner, that I had to put our son in daycare while he was home because he didn't want to change his sleep schedule, that I had to be the one to care for the house for the most part and that I had to do all this while trying to put myself through school. I completely feel like he rode his parents financial coatails as long as possible and then quite happily made the transfer to mine. I feel like he watched me day in and day out struggling, trying desperately to keep all these little balls in the air, treading water and pulling us forward into new cars, a new house, etc, etc by constantly financially juggling and moving up into better paying jobs while he made only the most minimal efforts that he had too. I ******* resented the fact that I went to family functions without him , HIS and mine because he has this huge issue with his family and HATES them and it is such a problem that he says alot of his anger stems from it but that it somehow does not prevent him from taking money and gifts from them because well "I may as get whatever I can from them and screw them back". I resent that he is completely unaffectionate, the only time he wanted any physical closemness with me was when we having sex and that as soon as the sex was done he was up and gone back into the den to the next computer game. I realize that I just CANNOT respect him as long as he continues to behave the way he does and that he simply refuses to change his behavior because he thinks there is nothing wrong with it and that everyone is just ganging up on him and that everyone elses "bad behavior" is OK so he doesn't understand why his isn't. AND IF aLL THAT WEREN"T ENOUGH...we have absolultey nothing in common anymore. So we are done and I feel good about it...As terrible as the circumstance may be right now I really have found someone who understands me, who treats me like a queen, who is sensitive, compassionate and who is so special, and all the more special because he does not realize how special he is. For example, my soon to be ex today is yelling at me about what toys our son is "allowed" to take with him to my moms IN FRONT OF OUR SON, it is more important to him that I do not "screw him" than it is for him to think about what it does to our son emotionally when he picks a fight with me in front of him, no less when he picks a fight about something related to our son!! It does not even cross his mind that it is not in his sons best interest to hear that. NOW, the man that I am supposedly such a ***** for having fallen for is so concerned about my sons well being that he is like "listen sweetie, I completely understand how slowly you need to take this, that it is really not appropriate for us a see a whole lot of each other until your divorce is through, that you are going through an incredibly difficult time in your life, BUT I want to be there for you, you are strong, you are brave, I admire you. I am, and have been for a long time completely in love with you, please talk to someone about this whole situation though other than me, get some outside perspective, know that my opinion is colored by my feelings and know too that I could never live with myself if I in way hurt your child, I dont even want you to tell him about me, if we pursue this relationship, until you and the psychologist think he has handled the divorce OK and it is healthy for him." How could I not fall in love with this man...spiritually, emotionally, intellectually he is everything my husband was not. He has a warm, loving, close family, he is very open about his emotions all of the time, he is compassionate, sensitive, intelligent, educated. I know it's not the wisest thing but I have completely fallen for him and I just can't feel guilty about it. My husband has trampled me for years and yes I did alot of trampling back but it finally occured to me that he is the one who is unable to maintain a close relationship with anyone, not me. I am not inclined toward anger or ugly disrespect. I do not have a huge unresolved issue with my parents that completely colors who I am but that I am unwilling to acknowledge affects me. I am not a bad person because I have fallen for someone who completes me, who treats me the way I treat him, who wants a partner not someone who simply maintains his lifestyle while he makes a minimum effort, someone who wants to grow as a person, not just financially but spiritually, emotionally and intellctually. Sorry this is soooooooooooooooo long!!

[Zenobia]

Stick to your guns and don't back down. You are going for a better life. I will send my best wishes to you tonight.
Zen

<font color=green>Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.--Angela Monet

[heidu]

You have made the right choice. Your post had such clarity and conviction. I am so proud of you for doing what you knew had to be done. You can do this. You are a strong woman and worth so much more than what you had.
You GO GIRL!!!!
Heidu

[rmm5497]

Thank you...this is so hard...I know I sound like I have such conviction hut I completely broke down to tears yesterday, I posted after I had composed myself and spoken to a friend...I know that this is right but as I said to my friend yesterday knowing that you've gone from A to Z in the completely wrong direction doesn't really make it any easier to go back to A and start over again...you just know you have to...and it sad and it scary...I think of what we could have had, what we should have had, what I know deep down we would never have had and it saddens me deeply...if I could go back I would never have had a child until I knew that the person that I was bringing that child into this world with was someone with whom I knew, deep in my soul, was someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, someone who completely completed me...ahh me...I love my baby boy to death though and we can't go back but I don't feel like I have to force something that is not there for this illusion of this warm, loving, nuclear family that I so much wanted us to be...The worst is over I guess though now it is just settling our financial affairs and sitting in a short court hearing and then FREEDOM...freedom to not walk on icicles anymore, freedom to handle my life the way I think it should be handled and be and do the things I would like to...and provide my son with a warm, loving atmosphere without constant ugliness...yes I am petrified but I am also very excited...