I don't have a lot to say tonight, both because I should be sleeping (have to be up in 3 hours) and because I am too emotionally drained.

I have put myself through an emotional roller coaster for the last 3 months, knowing it was for nothing. Knowing it was toxic and bad for me. And I don't know why.

I've said I was done over and over, but I am DONE done. I hate the other person. Like, I have absolutely no happy memory of them. I only feel anger, hurt, and the desire to punch them in the face. And I'm angry at myself, because I know better than to allow someone to manipulate me, and treat me like dirt. Or, I thought I did. Blocking me on social media, blocking photos from view on Instagram, withholding, manipulating, playing mind games etc etc etc, and making me feel like I'M the bad guy, I am over reactive, there's something wrong with me. Making an offhanded comment which made me cry, pushing it a little further and then saying, "But that was meant in jest; you always do this..."

No. Nope. I wasn't like this three months ago. You controlling, manipulative ****. We're not even friends. And I hope there is another girl. And I hope she treats you exactly like you treated me.

Anyway. That is all.

PS Now he's blocked...and I NEVER block. But it's effing time.

[LadyShadow]

Sending you lots of hugs during this difficult time

It takes a lot of strength to do what you did. Someone is better for you out there. Just gotta get through this bump in the road......

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm sorry you're in a bad place

I hope you managed to sleep a bit.

I block / unblock my ex although I never know why I unblock him when usually within 30 minutes he's being abusive and manipulative and throwing insults at me.

[divine1966]

Sometimes feeling angry is the way to go. Staying on friendly terms sounds good but it doesn't always work. Sometimes cutting it off completely is the best strategy.

My t says if someone is bad partner to one person then it's a guarantee they are bad partner to others ( unless someone did a lot of work on themselves or just needs to grow age wise). So I am pretty sure he isn't going to be miraculously wonderful with other women.

Also when they say their ex was this or that unless you know her or encounter her abuse of your partner ( like if she calls and screams obscenities demanding more money years later for example) or know many people who know her and serve as witnesses, you really don't know if they were horrid. It could be that it wasn't them who were horrid. Just saying.

I've met some unpleasant men ( not got involved luckily) who claimed their exes were all horrid but frankly getting to know them made me wonder who really was a horrid partner. Hhmm

Heal grieve and move on. He can stay in his own mess. Hugs

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Bill3]

(((((Ruari)))))

My friends notice a difference. I can't concentrate at work. I've lost 10 lbs. because I don't eat.

I finally realized last night he's a ****ing psycho.

How did I get here? I'm a strong, smart woman.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Ruari

My friends notice a difference. I can't concentrate at work. I've lost 10 lbs. because I don't eat.

I finally realized last night he's a ****ing psycho.

How did I get here? I'm a strong, smart woman.

It would be easy if bad stuff only happened to stupid weak people. Doesn't work this way.

I have two masters degrees and have a successful career as well as am mentally and emotionally stable person and an awesome parent of a successful happy adult yet I am a victim of a financial romance scam. Big scam.

When I told police , lawyer and FBI agent that I am embarrassed it happened to me as I think it only happens to dumb people i was told that in their experience it happens to all kind people of all walks in life. It's so very common. And that's worse than falling for a wrong guy. Don't beat yourself up. Things happen

I don't know if it is possible but find something funny about this whole thing. I found some funny moments in it all and am still cracking up about some things. I never recovered my money. My brother said pretend you never had it. Yup.

Think of positive in here. Imagine you actually got involved with him? Like drove there or what not. Wasted your vacation etc hang in there. It will get better


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Ruari

I don't have a lot to say tonight, both because I should be sleeping (have to be up in 3 hours) and because I am too emotionally drained.

I have put myself through an emotional roller coaster for the last 3 months, knowing it was for nothing. Knowing it was toxic and bad for me. And I don't know why.

I've said I was done over and over, but I am DONE done. I hate the other person. Like, I have absolutely no happy memory of them. I only feel anger, hurt, and the desire to punch them in the face. And I'm angry at myself, because I know better than to allow someone to manipulate me, and treat me like dirt. Or, I thought I did. Blocking me on social media, blocking photos from view on Instagram, withholding, manipulating, playing mind games etc etc etc, and making me feel like I'M the bad guy, I am over reactive, there's something wrong with me. Making an offhanded comment which made me cry, pushing it a little further and then saying, "But that was meant in jest; you always do this..."

No. Nope. I wasn't like this three months ago. You controlling, manipulative ****. We're not even friends. And I hope there is another girl. And I hope she treats you exactly like you treated me.

Anyway. That is all.

PS Now he's blocked...and I NEVER block. But it's effing time.

Although I'm glad in the end he's blocked and you're resolute in cutting him off, I'm sorry that you had to go through what you did to come to that conclusion. You deserve to be treated with respect and if he was done with your relationship with him, you deserve to have been let go respectfully without the manipulation and damaging behavior.

I've been here, exactly where you are and I have even allowed it to happen to me from the same person more than once so there is absolutely no judgment here, only understanding. I just don't understand what people like them, get out of it by doing this to others.

*hugs*

Originally Posted by Ruari

My friends notice a difference. I can't concentrate at work. I've lost 10 lbs. because I don't eat.

I finally realized last night he's a ****ing psycho.

How did I get here? I'm a strong, smart woman.

I am so glad you recognise you are a strong smart woman, it's okay to feel angry, you didn't deserve mind games it seemed he played on you.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

...you deserve to have been let go respectfully without the manipulation and damaging behavior...

...I have even allowed it to happen to me from the same person more than once so there is absolutely no judgment here, only understanding. I just don't understand what people like them, get out of it by doing this to others.

The thing is that I'm pretty sure he feels the same way about me. Because I have said, "Enough! This hurts too much!" a few different times, only to apologize for my dysfunctional behavior...and fall right back into a pattern where I found myself begging for communication and attention, begging for closure, asking to please be let go but please, could he just tell me why he was doing ____ or _____. And he wouldn't. I would write these long, drawn out emails and/or texts explaining how I felt so that he would maybe understand me, and I would get nothing. Or something short.

We talked for just a few days in the last week after I lost my shyt last Thursday. He started opening up a little, and I thought I was making progress. But, in response to a long email from me he said, "I get overwhelmed easily. My energy levels seem too erratic, and suddenly I'll start withdrawing when my gas tank is getting low. At that point especially, I deal with pressure by withdrawing even more." That is how he explained his non-communication, his unwillingness to call or Skype, his unwillingness to talk about the stuff I'd been trying to talk about for weeks. And you know what? I believe him. He's bipolar, and I've noticed a big change in him. But maybe this is the real Joel, and the person I'd been casually communicating with before is who he wants people to think he is.

I was talking to him yesterday. We were texting, he was doing really well. And I was, too. But I started to recognize that, when I'm in communication with him, I have a perpetual knot in my stomach. I feel sick. I want to cry all the time. He actually was doing a decent job yesterday of communicating, if I'm honest. But then we were talking about my still being blocked, and he said, "I'll unblock you, as long as you stay steady." And I was like, "Um. I actually wasn't the one who overreacted this time," and proceeded to explain that, when I was blocked, I was in the middle of trying to keep the conversation rational, and got shut down. He said, "Noted." The convo went on about friends vs a relationship and I made a comment about how I felt that he liked the chase, and not the catch. And he said, "Catch and release, that's my motto." I said, "That's bull." To which he sent a :P And I replied, "What the F?" and he said, "Yep." And I guess I was supposed to know that he was kidding by the :P even though we were having a serious conversation, but I didn't, and burst into tears, lost my shyt, and yeah...degraded. And he's like, "See, this is what I mean by trying to keep it steady." Well you hurt my feelings! How am I supposed to know you are kidding, it is a text! And this is the crux of the whole thing; I don't do text. I can't discern tone well enough. I've been saying that forever. And that's what I said. And he backed down, but still, I realized, this is what he does--he says some shyt, pushes it just a little past where he knows it hurts me, and then swoops in with the apologies and the *hugs* and the, "Go eat, get some rest, we'll talk later." Bull. Shyt. It's almost abusive.

Something in me snapped last night, and I started turning into crazy stalker, and realized he had me blocked on more than FB (though he unblocked me last night). That he's even shadier than I realized. It's like, I've been riding this crazy roller coaster, and I don't even know why. I don't think there was another woman, not to the degree that I was in his life. But there was the fact that I had fallen to the bottom of the pile, so to speak, and he was complimenting other women, interacting with them, and etc, in the way he used to with me and was no longer. It was innocent...except for the fact that for all intents and purposes, we had an agreement as each other's #1. And I was most definitely not getting the attention I used to. I don't know what about that text exchange last night was the last straw for me, but I snapped. And I suddenly couldn't stand having him in my life for another minute. I just want to be me again.

And yes, I know we don't know why people do what they do, and sometimes it's best not to know that. I know. But this was my life. This was someone I never, ever imagined treating me this way. Ever. I had him in the back of my mind for years as the safe bet, the guy who had this unending crush on me who I knew I would eventually just give in to, an end up with, forever. Joel (that's his name. I don't care) was that guy. He had been that guy for so long. No one else had ever been so quietly persistent. And it is a huge loss to have him gone, feels like someone is punching me in the chest. Which is why I didn't want to do it for so long. I felt like, well, this wasn't a real relationship, surely we can be friends again, somehow. But there is way too much water under that bridge. I still blame myself for so much of this. If I had just been less pushy, if I had just not tested him so much. If I had been more trusting. If I had just gone with the flow a little more. If I had not, literally, acted like a complete psycho stalker. If I had just been normal, maybe he would have liked me more. And maybe all of that's true, I don't know. But I needed him to actually treat me like he liked me, when he supposedly liked me. He did, for a while. He was nice, over text, encouraging, sweet. But then he withdrew. And that's probably my fault. But I guess I wish he would have just let me go, then.

Idk. I'm sad.

I'm attractive. I'm overweight, but attractive. If I weren't sad and withdrawn and just not really interested in life lately, I'd be a catch. I'm just not a very warm person. I am resigned to the fact that I am not someone people readily want to date or be friends with. I take care of patients almost every day who are 10-20 years older than I am, who are so depressed they don't want to go on. They have no one--no friends, no significant others. Many of them are smart, were probably reasonably attractive before they stopped giving a shyt. And I can imagine they were a lot like me. And I have to try to tell them that they have a reason to keep going, when I know damned well that I am who they were 10-20 years ago, and both of us can agree, I'm feeding them a bunch of bull.

I realize that I'm 38 years old, haven't dated in 7 years, and have lost the one man who paid any significant attention to me in the last several years...and that was online. My "friends" don't call. I would sit at home if I didn't make the effort to contact people. I realize that I'm a ****ing loser.

[Bill3]

Ruari, do you see a therapist?

Originally Posted by Bill3

Ruari, do you see a therapist?

Been seeing one (well, not the same one) for 23 years. I know, I'm a lost cause, hey?

Incidentally, I have been assigned as the RN to my ER's designated mental health hallway (some people have to be in rooms with cameras because they are actively trying to harm themselves) the last two days because, according to my preceptors I, "have a way with these patients." Heh, I am these patients. And maybe I just actually talk to them like they're real people. More clinicians should try that. I don't mind it at all...unless someone is trying to bite me...like today. But it does get a little wearing dealing with people who want to die all day when you, yourself, are desperately seeking optimism and the will to live in your life.

I have a coworker who has been in my shoes, almost to a t. She had similar guy issues, was a new RN and had similar negativity in her orientation, and she struggles with anxiety and had a bit of a self-destructive streak which caused her to have to do intensive outpatient. She and I had a mini session in our med room about Joel. And she was like, uh uh nope. He's gone. You can't be trying to focus at work with that in your life. He sounds like a narcissist. Idk about that. But it's nice that I don't feel alone at work.

[Bill3]

I'm a lost cause, hey?

You sound so discouraged right now.



I would never say that you are a lost cause though. What does your therapist say about how you are doing now?

Originally Posted by Bill3

You sound so discouraged right now.



I would never say that you are a lost cause though. What does your therapist say about how you are doing now?

I honestly don't remember.

I saw her last Friday, and I was super depressed and dejected. I think she was just trying to figure out how to get me through the day. She hasn't ever seen me like that, tbh.

Originally Posted by Ruari

Incidentally, I have been assigned as the RN to my ER's designated mental health hallway (some people have to be in rooms with cameras because they are actively trying to harm themselves) the last two days because, according to my preceptors I, "have a way with these patients." Heh, I am these patients. And maybe I just actually talk to them like they're real people. More clinicians should try that. I don't mind it at all...unless someone is trying to bite me...like today. But it does get a little wearing dealing with people who want to die all day when you, yourself, are desperately seeking optimism and the will to live in your life.

Well reading this I refute the 'loser' tag you assigned yourself.

You're doing exceptionally demanding patient work, you're good at it, but it sounds like it may be having a personal cost. Can you seek official support at work for this?

[divine1966]

Hey stop calling yourself a loser. You aren't.

Had to go back and add a question are you on any medication for depression and if not did your t or doc ever suggested it? I don't know if you need to be but just wonder

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To answer prefab: No support other than I see a T. There is none available. I don't know what other support would be available, though.

I have been on meds, a widely varying cocktail, for years. From antipsychotics to anxiolytics to antidepressants. I have never noticed a lasting change (for the better) on any of them, and it's because, in my opinion they aren't treating the root cause of the depression, which is my life. You can throw meds at a person all you want but if life isn't changing, then I mean, meds can only do so much. Kinda like if you give a really obese person meds for high blood pressure. They're probably still gonna have high blood pressure. Might not be as high, but it's still going to be high.

I am currently on a moderate dose of Wellbutrin and Topamax, but the Topamax is actually for migraines, not mood stabilization. After being on some meds that have really screwed with my head and messed with my weight, I am reluctant to mess with things too much. One pdoc suggested ECT, and I refuse. For one thing, I don't have the time in my life--you have to go 3 days a week for a period of time, and I couldn't take the time off. Plus, there is no one whom I could count on to drive me to and from something like that. (I've had to put a few medical things off because I didn't have a driver). But also, I've seen ECT, and I know it works for people, but I can't risk losing memory. My livlihood depends on my memory too much.

[s4ndm4n2006]

*disclaimer: Keep in mind this is only my personal perception/view of life as I see it, and I know I may be way off in my analysis... *

Sometimes we fall for or get attached to people that have certain aspects that our fantasy-oriented mind seems to want. What I mean is we, or at least a lot of people anyway, have this dream guy/dream girl fantasy in our minds that have certain things about them that we tend to be drawn to. Unfortunately those things usually are based on overly romantic ideal pictures. There is nothing wrong with having those things but I believe this part of our mind is detached from logic. What am I getting at? When we don't make conscious choices in who we allow ourselves to become attached to, we are typically driven by the fantasy attractions, the emotional side of things and romantic ideals of what we think we want in another person.

Where this goes wrong is that many, far too many, of those people that seem to have those traits lack the most fundamental traits we actually need in another person for lasting relationships. What I see in this guy you fell for is someone that clearly has some traits that magnetized you to him but they were not based on your personalities and behaviors being compatible. I see a difference in values for him and for you in so many ways but the way that you remain very enmeshed in the idea of making this work even if only on a friendship level as an attachment that goes beyond logic here. This is why I believe it may be something more akin to the "idea" of him than who he really is.

He does not communicate well when you need that the most. He is not as forthcoming with feelings as you need him to be. He withdraws at times when for you, it would be best to remain engaged and talk through things. Opposites in so many ways. I am sure that on a certain level you both appreciate and respect one another but having gone beyond the close friend level trying to get back to that with all of the remaining pain and disappointment experienced, it's going to be tough.

I honestly think that a good breather from him is the best idea here. Regardless of what the outcome is down the road a ways I don't think that continuing to try and figure out the issue and work things out even as friends is going to be as productive as you'd like or that It needs to be. After all, at this point I wouldn't suggest trying to have romantic connections with him anymore so really does it need to be worked on so hard?

I think that you two can be good friends in time, but really really think that a break, a complete break, not in anger, not in retaliation, revenge or anything negative but for the both of your peace of mind, is the best thing.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

*disclaimer: Keep in mind this is only my personal perception/view of life as I see it, and I know I may be way off in my analysis... *

Sometimes we fall for or get attached to people that have certain aspects that our fantasy-oriented mind seems to want. What I mean is we, or at least a lot of people anyway, have this dream guy/dream girl fantasy in our minds that have certain things about them that we tend to be drawn to. Unfortunately those things usually are based on overly romantic ideal pictures. There is nothing wrong with having those things but I believe this part of our mind is detached from logic. What am I getting at? When we don't make conscious choices in who we allow ourselves to become attached to, we are typically driven by the fantasy attractions, the emotional side of things and romantic ideals of what we think we want in another person.

Where this goes wrong is that many, far too many, of those people that seem to have those traits lack the most fundamental traits we actually need in another person for lasting relationships. What I see in this guy you fell for is someone that clearly has some traits that magnetized you to him but they were not based on your personalities and behaviors being compatible. I see a difference in values for him and for you in so many ways but the way that you remain very enmeshed in the idea of making this work even if only on a friendship level as an attachment that goes beyond logic here. This is why I believe it may be something more akin to the "idea" of him than who he really is.

He does not communicate well when you need that the most. He is not as forthcoming with feelings as you need him to be. He withdraws at times when for you, it would be best to remain engaged and talk through things. Opposites in so many ways. I am sure that on a certain level you both appreciate and respect one another but having gone beyond the close friend level trying to get back to that with all of the remaining pain and disappointment experienced, it's going to be tough.

I honestly think that a good breather from him is the best idea here. Regardless of what the outcome is down the road a ways I don't think that continuing to try and figure out the issue and work things out even as friends is going to be as productive as you'd like or that It needs to be. After all, at this point I wouldn't suggest trying to have romantic connections with him anymore so really does it need to be worked on so hard?

I think that you two can be good friends in time, but really really think that a break, a complete break, not in anger, not in retaliation, revenge or anything negative but for the both of your peace of mind, is the best thing.

I do totally understand what you mean. I'm just wondering what those traits are for me, lol. I'm wondering if you are seeing them more clearly than I. If so, please share. With Joel, I began to realize that we had nothing in common, and realized quite a while ago that it was probably heading in this direction. Like, there is that rational part of my brain, and then there is the, "But wait, but if only..." and I just want something to work out so badly, for once, that I try too hard. This is what happens, all the time. I was physically attracted to him, years ago. He doesn't look at all like he used to, doesn't do the same stuff he used to, isn't really who he used to be. Not nearly as dynamic. He has a "character" he goes by in SCA, for rapier fighting, and even has a fan page, the first name of which is Jack. I told him, in my last parting email, that I think this is his persona that he puts forth to everyone, and this is who people get to know, this is the person I had been attracted to all these years. I said I felt that I'd moved past the persona after a while into the real Joel, and we stopped liking each other at that point, because Joel wasn't very nice to me. Jack and I had stuff in common, Jack was fun to talk to, full of wit and banter, flirty, chivalrous, and kind. Because that's who Jack is in the SCA world. Joel is withdrawn, baseline grouchy, somewhat depressed, and not incredibly motivated when it comes to making a relationship work. He became Jack way back in 2006, right after his divorce and after his subsequent breakdown, when he took up rapier fighting and intense training for it. He will tell anyone, it saved his life. And it's great to have a hobby. But that persona isn't him.

I have seen glimpses of what you're talking about with him, too. I know he was involved, for about 4 or more years, with a tall, strong-minded, intelligent, redhead who was part of the SCA world with him. Their relationship fell apart in 2011. He began pursuing me in 2012. There are even more things about her which I have learned are somewhat similar to me. He has a thing for redheads, and I don't know if it's because of her, or if it's just a preference. I asked him about her once, what happened between them, because, looking through his Flickr stream, they looked very happy. He said, "Oh, we weren't meeting each other's needs. She didn't like how I acted out, and I didn't feel she treated me fairly." Acted super casual about it, which I felt was weird, considering (though, I guess, they did break up 5 years ago). I asked him to expand on that, and he really wouldn't, stating that the acting out part was a part of him he wanted to let lie, and he sort of shut down on the not treating fairly part, stating he would talk about it another time (surprise). I told him that I was asking not out of jealousy or to pry, but because he looked incredibly happy, and she was also long distance (not by as much, but she was). And for me, understanding what he felt was "treating unfairly" was necessary. He simply said, "I understand." I got that statement a lot, but I still never got an elaboration.

Joel and I will never be friends. I will never try, and I'm sure he won't either, because that's not his style. There is too much water under the bridge. I acted too crazy. When I feel like someone is pulling away, I freak out. When I realize that they are pulling away, and hiding, being super shady, I freak out more. My ex-fiance was super shady right at the end of our relationship because he was seeing someone else just before we broke up (someone a mutual "friend" set him up with)...and he ended up marrying her.

I just don't understand why, if you have nothing to hide, you need to be shady. Just freaking tell the truth. And, as you said, if you're done with me, be done, and go. I don't do well with lies or deception or just...anything like that. I get that people want privacy, but when it affects me like this, it isn't really fair. Just be plain with me.

[Mondayschild]

When you freak out more, the acting crazy as you put it. Instead of crazy, maybe that anxiety is warranted to some extent. You thought you knew Joel to be a certain way, when he started to withdraw or didn't act in the manner that you were accustomed, you needed to know why. You needed to know if it was a minor deviation or if you never knew him at all. It's a protective mechanism to keep you from getting hurt. Usually though, by the time the anxiety starts, the hurt is there and so it turns into anger and disgust and everything else.

It all boils down to trust and vulnerability.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

I just usually think it's my fault. Or that there is someone else, because in my experience, with my ex's, there usually is.

In the last few days, I have realized that I am used to being placed at the bottom of everyone's list. I don't mean that to sound all "Woe is me," it's just true. It was a good friend's birthday the other night, and I saw on FB that she was going out for drinks, and she never even invited me. I honestly didn't know it was her bday, but in this day and age, if you haven't been friends for years, you tend not to know those things unless you discuss it; FB usually tells you. My bday was in April, I invited her to a game, because, well... no one invited me to do anything, so I had to throw my own damned party. But anyway, I couldn't do anything on her bday bc of work. So I was like, "Hey, happy bday, I can't go out with you but I'd love to take you for a drink tomorrow night!" She was like, well, if I can, blah blah blah. It was like she was inconvenienced. I'm like, hey dude, this isn't for me, it's for you. So why don't you just let me know when you are available?

I'm ****ing sick of it. I invite people to do stuff all the time, I'm usually fun and carefree when we hang out, and I listen to people's stuff not just dump my stuff on them. Like with this friend above: she talks and talks and talks and can be a bit tiresome. But I listen and smile and do my best to be a good friend even though she's a bit emotionally self-centered. As I've said many times, none of my friends would think of me if I didn't constantly ask them to hang out. And I know it's just me, because they hang out with their other friend and invite them out all the time.

So yeah, like I said earlier, I am a loser.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Ruari

I do totally understand what you mean. I'm just wondering what those traits are for me, lol. I'm wondering if you are seeing them more clearly than I. If so, please share. With Joel, I began to realize that we had nothing in common, and realized quite a while ago that it was probably heading in this direction. Like, there is that rational part of my brain, and then there is the, "But wait, but if only..." and I just want something to work out so badly, for once, that I try too hard. This is what happens, all the time. I was physically attracted to him, years ago. He doesn't look at all like he used to, doesn't do the same stuff he used to, isn't really who he used to be. Not nearly as dynamic. He has a "character" he goes by in SCA, for rapier fighting, and even has a fan page, the first name of which is Jack. I told him, in my last parting email, that I think this is his persona that he puts forth to everyone, and this is who people get to know, this is the person I had been attracted to all these years. I said I felt that I'd moved past the persona after a while into the real Joel, and we stopped liking each other at that point, because Joel wasn't very nice to me. Jack and I had stuff in common, Jack was fun to talk to, full of wit and banter, flirty, chivalrous, and kind. Because that's who Jack is in the SCA world. Joel is withdrawn, baseline grouchy, somewhat depressed, and not incredibly motivated when it comes to making a relationship work. He became Jack way back in 2006, right after his divorce and after his subsequent breakdown, when he took up rapier fighting and intense training for it. He will tell anyone, it saved his life. And it's great to have a hobby. But that persona isn't him.

This makes a lot of sense, although extreme, with his playing the persona, it is on track with what I was saying...

I have seen glimpses of what you're talking about with him, too. I know he was involved, for about 4 or more years, with a tall, strong-minded, intelligent, redhead who was part of the SCA world with him. Their relationship fell apart in 2011. He began pursuing me in 2012. There are even more things about her which I have learned are somewhat similar to me. He has a thing for redheads, and I don't know if it's because of her, or if it's just a preference. I asked him about her once, what happened between them, because, looking through his Flickr stream, they looked very happy. He said, "Oh, we weren't meeting each other's needs. She didn't like how I acted out, and I didn't feel she treated me fairly." Acted super casual about it, which I felt was weird, considering (though, I guess, they did break up 5 years ago). I asked him to expand on that, and he really wouldn't, stating that the acting out part was a part of him he wanted to let lie, and he sort of shut down on the not treating fairly part, stating he would talk about it another time (surprise). I told him that I was asking not out of jealousy or to pry, but because he looked incredibly happy, and she was also long distance (not by as much, but she was). And for me, understanding what he felt was "treating unfairly" was necessary. He simply said, "I understand." I got that statement a lot, but I still never got an elaboration.

See this unexplanation of things or partial explanation of it kind of would be a warning flag to me early on. I mean for me, if I wanted to NOT share something I would leave it all out. Also part of what he seems to say happened with her seems like it's similar to what happened to you too. Didn't he say something about how you were treating him too? I dunno. the more you tell me about this guy the more questions seem to come up...

Joel and I will never be friends. I will never try, and I'm sure he won't either, because that's not his style. There is too much water under the bridge. I acted too crazy. When I feel like someone is pulling away, I freak out. When I realize that they are pulling away, and hiding, being super shady, I freak out more. My ex-fiance was super shady right at the end of our relationship because he was seeing someone else just before we broke up (someone a mutual "friend" set him up with)...and he ended up marrying her.

Two things to say about this part:
1. quit putting it all on yourself. First off stop talking like and calling yourself "crazy" even if you're saying it's all about your behavior. Thing is being overly emotional about things is deemed "crazy" far too often, there are far too many people in the world with the same abandonment, rejection, etc, issues and in almost every way are entirely normal people. overreacting to things when you were in the situation you were in is not really that outrageous. Let me go off on a tangent for a second because I feel it is relevant.

I am separated (sort of) from my ex, we were together, married for 14 yrs and then she left for 4+ (left the state and the kids with me) and now is back, only relying on me to help her on her feet which is taking forever ... though that's just background.. anyway my point. the separation for me was the first time in my life I was able to see myself as an individual, independent and find my own footing. I have changed because the rest of my life I have been attached to someone. Well, what have I learned that is relevant here? In a situation with a mate, a spouse or any other "romantic" partner, we change. With the right person, I believe we change for the better - no THEY should not and do not change us, but WE change. With toxic or dysfunctional partners it affects our behavior in a bad way. In fact they dont' need to be toxic or bad but if they don't mesh with us well, same thing to a different degree.

My point is, your reactions to him and "crazy" acting may have been exacerbated by the fact you were dealing with a guy that was clearly being unavailable, not forthcoming and as you said "shady" You want someone to share you life with not just be there and be a mystery. This alone, for you in particular is a big problem. You're very forward, forthcoming and willing to share yourself and everything with people, especially a mate, because of this, you naturally think and expect others to be the same way - this is one thing that I think you need to find in a partner. VERY IMPORTANT to you IMO.

2. Shady part: I don't like that he only partially said things and kept a lot from you and is part of why I say more and more questions come up about him. He not only sounds reserved but secretive about himself and it's no wonder it put you on edge!

I just don't understand why, if you have nothing to hide, you need to be shady. Just freaking tell the truth. And, as you said, if you're done with me, be done, and go. I don't do well with lies or deception or just...anything like that. I get that people want privacy, but when it affects me like this, it isn't really fair. Just be plain with me.

Privacy is for the public and acquaintences IN MY OPINION. the privacy between lovers or intimate partners should be minimal. yes there is still some that may be necessary but mostly I think openness and willing to reveal, is important. After all isn't the partner you want, the one that should be willing to be vulnerable and real to you?

[Mondayschild]

Originally Posted by Ruari

I just usually think it's my fault. Or that there is someone else, because in my experience, with my ex's, there usually is.

In the last few days, I have realized that I am used to being placed at the bottom of everyone's list. I don't mean that to sound all "Woe is me," it's just true. It was a good friend's birthday the other night, and I saw on FB that she was going out for drinks, and she never even invited me. I honestly didn't know it was her bday, but in this day and age, if you haven't been friends for years, you tend not to know those things unless you discuss it; FB usually tells you. My bday was in April, I invited her to a game, because, well... no one invited me to do anything, so I had to throw my own damned party. But anyway, I couldn't do anything on her bday bc of work. So I was like, "Hey, happy bday, I can't go out with you but I'd love to take you for a drink tomorrow night!" She was like, well, if I can, blah blah blah. It was like she was inconvenienced. I'm like, hey dude, this isn't for me, it's for you. So why don't you just let me know when you are available?

I'm ****ing sick of it. I invite people to do stuff all the time, I'm usually fun and carefree when we hang out, and I listen to people's stuff not just dump my stuff on them. Like with this friend above: she talks and talks and talks and can be a bit tiresome. But I listen and smile and do my best to be a good friend even though she's a bit emotionally self-centered. As I've said many times, none of my friends would think of me if I didn't constantly ask them to hang out. And I know it's just me, because they hang out with their other friend and invite them out all the time.

So yeah, like I said earlier, I am a loser.

Move here, we can be great friends.

I realize I only know you from PC, but I love your personality and all that you've shown here. The honesty and realness about you is the best aspect. I've long dropped "PTA" ladies from my inner circle. I'm not a keeping up with the Jones or a fair weather friend and I don't think you are either.

Anyway, you could join my loser club if you felt strongly enough about it.

#Life is a beautiful lie#