confused by situations

I'm so confused, so basically my husband was arrested for some pretty horrible and disgusting stuff, which i called the police to come and get his computers, I was in tears for days i posted numerous times here about what was going on and my disgust and shock, yesterday he was released on a promise to appear and although he is to have no contact with anyone in my family so i haven't been able to confront him myself (which is something i need to do) I have been speaking regularly with his mother he doesn't tell her to tell me anything but she has repeated much of what he has said. I'm confused by it first he is going to plead guilty to avoid more pain being placed on us. second he told her he would agree to any type of counseling i wanted and has already agreed to get help because he's hoping i can forgive him and third he said he'd try for as long as it took for me to trust him again..even if i never can.. i'm so confused...I really want to forgive even tho it's unforgivable, i have two settings forgiving or holding on to a complete hatred, and i hate hating people.

One thing you should ask him - does he only want to get help to make you feel better or does he want to get better so he feels better about the person he is (not just how he has caused you to feel).. Because the truth is, unless he wants it for himself he will unwittingly sabotage his counseling.

well I don't know yet i am not allowed to talk to him, so I can't see if he's just lying, i'd be able to tell if I could speak to him, I don't know if he's sorry he did it and wants help or he's sorry he got caught, there programs in jail that help with this kinda thing, he already told his bail officer he wanted to take those, (third party information may or may not be accurate... pleading guilty is one step in the right direction because I know 100% without a doubt he is guilty, and putting more stress and sadness on us.. well I can't even think about that right now. I feel like a horrible person for even letting the thought of forgiving him someday in the far future cross my mind.

I guess I would have a real problem ever wanting to stay with him if what he did was horrible and disgusting and police took the computer. Not sure what he did but .... Well I can only guess at the crime. Regardless of going to therapy with him, please make sure your seeing one to help guide you in finding out what is going to be the best for you...

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I have a similar experience in my past, and you aren't alone. I recognize those feelings you're having really well.
There is just no easy way for now, it's just time to grab hold of your life now. He has proven himself to be untrustworthy. And now because of his choices that had everything to do with his conscious and unconscious motivators-you are left holding the life you thought you had and realizing it wasn't what you thought. And it isn't what you want or need. Now or ever.
Nothing will ever make the life you thought you had together come back. Nothing will ever recreate the innocence that you thought was part of your relationship. It was always the lie. This is painful.
Don't kid yourself into believing that he would or could ever be the illusion that you believed. It simply didn't exist in reality.
It's scary to contemplate what might be next, and what it all means. But, you have got to move forward.
Getting some counseling for yourself is a start, and reaching out for all the help you can get is good for you as long as it doesn't involve him.
His choices have cut out a path that has illuminated what might happen with a normal couple. However he's feeling - is no longer your business, I'm sure he feels terrible right now. But you have a whole life ahead, without any of this creepy gross stuff in it -for you! Not for him, he's the one who brought it to you and made it a part of your life.
You deserve better than this.
Just writing this is making me remember all the heartbreak that came from my exes decision and how we all suffered because of his lack of self control and his disgusting urges.
And he was sorry when he got caught, of course, but I completely cut him out of our lives. No way was I ever going to give him the way to hurt us again, I had at that point seen everything I needed to see to know what to do.
Yes, there were people who tried to tell me that I was wrong and I should give him chances he didn't deserve. But I said no to what other people think I should do. It's not their business, this pressure came from family, his and mine. I just had to stick by my guns. They aren't the people having to live with it. I am.
I'm responsible for the safety and well-being of my self and my kids. Damn if I ever let a threat that I know good and well exists into my home and my kid's future.
This situation is not good, watch out for the people who are trying to cover their own guilt and shame by goading you into pretending the lie is ok.
Watch out for those who treat you like your wrong for sticking up for yourself and your future so they don't have to deal with their side of things.
And move forward with the life you want and need. It will take time, but in the grand scheme of all of it, you will look back and realize how right you were to do so.
And the other side of that is, caving into the heartbreak and pain and allowing him to come back in your life how do you think that would work out in the future? I think you would have a lot of years of adding regret and sadness you don't deserve...for what? To make HIM feel better?
Focus on you now, this is your reality that you didn't ask for-dropped into your lap.

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He is pleading guilty because he is guilty and there is evidence. If his crime involves minors in any shape or form getting back with him is more than I can comprehend. Thinking of how to forgive him and how to get back with him isn't something you should worry about IMHO. You have minor children and I would focus on that

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I mentioned in another post the importance of acknowledgement for me. To 'forget' would mean having to negate the acknowledgement. And, it is the lack of acknowledgement that causes my resentment and builds into rage.

So, my suggestion is to first seek that acknowledgement for this situation you are in; particularly, that you are a victim here.

I am one who holds on to misdeeds or lack of respect placed upon me. I just can't seem to get beyond it myself. It is probably why I post so much in these forums as the acknowledgement I seek isn't just that I have emotional pain but that the wrong exisists in the first place. Not sure if this makes sense, but the rage I feel for a situation increases with the decrease of admission/recognition I have been hurt or disrespected.

Although the resentment continues to exist in the background therapy has helped me to work around it. Oh burying it I have been told not to do - that just opens the doors for triggering. Instead I work on an evidence list. For example what is the evidence I had a part in it, what is the evidence I didn't, what is the evidence I am then a good person? So to the consideration of where I am at a particular moment in time, as in is there evidence I am better off right now.

I hope this rambling contains something that will help.

Excellent posts above!

Twisted, IMO it's entirely too soon to even worry about ever "forgiving" this guy.

This is betrayal on a huge huge scale. You are not just wounded by it, but also in a state of shock -- not a proper basis from which to make any life-direction decisions except what must be done right now to keep yourself & family (and society! grr) safe.

Again, all imo. Take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself -- and remember that he will have to deal with his own consequences.

OK he's getting "help". He's got a lot of proving to do just to be considered a decent human member of society -- if ever. Unless and until -- if ever, again -- that he manages to prove this, he is his own problem.

I'm so sorry you are going thru such a horrible time. Seek support and, yes, counselling for yourself....he's got his own rocks to tote.

Hugs,
Chyia, sending warm thoughts

I'm not trying to make an immediate decision I'm just trying to understand why i feel as though i could forgive someone eventually (not anytime soon) that has destroyed me, I am not who I know I was before, he hurt me deeper then anyone ever has (and i've been hurt before) i didn't think it was possible to feel more betrayed and have my trust shattered so deeply and completely, last time I was hurt my trust was broken, I felt broken and I didn't know there was such thing and worst, I feel shattered, and yet still I want to forgive him (again not anytime soon he would have ALOT of proving to do, he would have to gain trust and I'm not even sure if I have trust anymore, I think everyone is lying to me right now and I would never ever have him around my minor children again they would have to be grown up and moved out I know i might feel differently by then i'm just trying to make sense of this right now)

You were completely blind sided by this. You are just in shock and disbelief right now. Soon you'll get mad.

Don't try to figure it out or even try to judge if you should believe or disbelieve him - just let him know you are aware it won't work if it isn't something he truly wants and just wanted to be sure he understands that so neither of you have to go through any more stress than needed - that will let him think on it, truly

I want to ask if you have "abandonment" type issues - where you get anxious or scared if you feel a relationship of any kind (family, friendship, lover, co-worker, etc) may end and may even assign self-blame to the relationship ending and do anything you can in an attempt to keep that relationship alive?

I am not accusing you of having those issues - just asking. It may ecplain why you feel this way if you do.

I get really anxious when people are late for things...I don't like sudden changes I like them to happen gradually, I'm ok with cutting people out and brake ups as long as I saw it coming, I've had brake-ups before and I cut the person out completely. i've never really thought about it before but I don't think so.

I am in every emotion, I have shock, disbelief, disgust, hatred, anger, hopeful, wishful simultaneously, I feel every one of them it's like a termoul inside me, it's like they are fighting over which one I'm feeling the most, I hate being out of control of myself and my emotions, it doesn't usually happen.

This is a "sudden change" maybe that is having an impact on you...?

Very much so, I've actually been talking to a friend (she's married to a similar person except her husband had already got all the help, counseling, and medication before she met him) and I think I got myself sorted out as much as I can until I can go confront him myself, but there is this restraining order, preventing me from getting any amount of closer, which I'm unsure if I should have removed or not I can get it removed on myself, I'm not giving him anything he's got alot to figure out before I decide what to do, I don't need to know whats going to happen I just need the confrontation on this matter (and i hate confrontation but I know I need it to feel better), I'm just not sure how that will look on paper...

This might be a situation where he can't be rehabilitated. I don't know the details of your situation but sometimes people cannot change even if they want to. I hope that isn't the case. But it seems that way. Thinking of you.

I don't recommend you remove restraining order. Spending time with him could jeopardize custody of your children. If your kids father knows you are spending time with this man he will probably request full custody of kids and you might not even get visitations. IMHO you need to focus on your kids, not on this man. No man is worth to jeopardize your children well being and loss of self respect. Making yourself and this man feeling better is just not worth it. You have kids to worry about

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I'm fully aware, I'm feel like I'm emotionally on a roller coaster right now, and sometimes (like when I started this thread) these thoughts were the only thing keeping me going, keeping me a little bit sane.

Thinking about you xo

Hang in there

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Just checking in and thinking about you. How are the kids?

If you have a restraining order on him - you cannot be around him either unless you first get the restraining order removed - but be sure you really want that done before doing so because sometimes there is a "waiting period" before you can put another restraining order on him. Until you feel safe doing that - just do what you need to do to keep you and the kids stable - physically, financially, emotionally, spiritually, all of it will help balance you out - get as much healthy social interaction with others as possible too - even if its just going out to the park and watching the kids play

kid's are fine, I don't check this thread much, I've been in chat. and yesterday was my first day back to work, today someone at work asked me how I was and I started crying.

I'm not scared of him, the restraining order will remain on the kids, and the house I only requested my name be removed from the list, I know I can't be around him until it's lifted and the crown doesn't have to remove it even with my request if they don't want to. I need to confront him though for my own sanity.