Tired of husband bringing me down for being who I am...

Lately, it's like everything I do or say annoys, upsets or disappoints my husband. . I feel like who I am as a human being is constantly under attack. For reference, nothing about me has changed. I'm the exact same girl I was when started dating.

Anyway, his treatment towards me has gotten so bad I don't even want to be around him and I'm avoiding it at all costs in case I say or do something that will "cause" him to say or do something which leaves me feeling like ****.

I admit, I set high standards for myself and my future that isn't always easy to deal with. If it were easy, everyone would do it, you know? He's always known this and has (in theory) agreed with me and said he's on the same page concerning finances, health, child rearing, etc. I have my moral code that I live by and honestly, I'm happy with it. I like who I am. I guess I'd rather be high maintenance with high standards than someone who doesn't.

The most recent situation involved his sister and her husband. They have 1 child and 1 vehicle. They both work full-time. We do not live in a transit friendly city. (It's very unreliable and only operates on half days.) Anyway, his sister bums rides to work. Or takes the bus. Whatever. How she chooses to get to work is her business. I, personally, as an adult woman with children could not with any sense of self respect mooch rides. Or take the bus. Unless I absolutely HAD to. I'd feel it was my duty to own transportation. If I couldn't afford a second vehicle, I'd find a way to make it happen. Maybe I'd cut cable or something. Whatever. To me, having transportation is what adults do. If it doesn't to her, that's fine. Anyway, her husband decided to get a motorcycle. When I was told this I asked my husband (hypothetically) if he'd be OK with having me sit on a bus while he had a car and a motorcycle. He said of course not. However, he was disgusted with my disgust concerning the situation. It's like he agrees with the premise of the situation, but I'm some high maintenance woman for not wanting to take a bus so he can have a motorcycle? I was shocked he felt that way about me for having the expectation we both have cars.

Ug. I don't feel like I articulated myself well. Hopefully i can add on to people's comments becausee I truly don't know what to do!

Not sure I fully understand. If he gets a motorcycle, can she not then have full access to the car?

Also, you may not have meant it to sound rude, but it came across to me as a bit rude the way you said "I, personally, as an adult woman with children could not with any sense of self respect mooch rides. Or take the bus."

From my perspective, that is communicating that if you take the bus, you lack self-respect. How so? It's a more environmentally friendly and affordable way to get places, and a lifesaver for those who aren't even close to being able to afford ONE vehicle, let alone a second. (Being able to afford things is not something that comes easily to many members here. They would not be able to afford cable, let alone get it cut to afford a second car).

Maybe it's because I grew up poor, but you do come across as high maintenance. My apologies if this comes across as rude, but I did want to voice my opinion on the matter.

There are those that would judge you for thinking you need two cars in a single family. There are those that would judge those that don't use mass transit and say that for any number of reasons why that was wrong. It's all a matter of perspective and what you find valuable, and important in your life. Just the same as I should not judge your choices in choosing to own two vehicles, I don't think one should gauge whether someone has self respect or not based on this, well really among many other things.

To be honest, perhaps your husband is annoyed by your criticism of others and their lives. It seems to come off to me as if you observe and analyze other people by your own value system and do not consider the fact that what we choose in our life as important is not the only way to live or be. I wonder if this is the case with your husband. You state high maintenance, and point out your high morals and such but that does not mean you should expect that everyone live by your standards. I don't know what he's thinking related to this but I know that's what it seems like his reaction is attributed to.

No.
She's not "allowed" to drive the car. My husband is starting to pick up on that because when I went ot use it over mine the other day (his was blocking mine) it was off limits. I don't like that. It just didn't sit well with me.

Not where I'm from. The bus system here is TERRIBLE. It's important to your job to have transportation. And your life. It's not a luxury thing here the way it is in other places. It's a necessity. You're putting your career at serious risk without one. (We fired a girl in my unit for constantly being late to shifts as a result of the bus although that's not what they said they fired her for.) A lot of employment requires a personal vehicle because of it. Having a car here is WAY to important to future stability. If we lived in a functioning city with transit it woudn't be an issue.
The point about the car isn't whether or not they can afford one. They obviously can because HE'S getting a motorcycle.

I don't expect anything from anyone. Trust me. I specifally stated, however you want to live your life is your choice. But if it starts to affect me I will say something. I don't enforce my morals or lfiestyle choices on anyone. I genuinely don't care what other people do. That's the entire point. I don't care what they do, but I Care how I live and my husband is dumping on it. Constantly.

You said that but I fail to see how her life and choices are affecting you and yours. You've laid out criticisms of how she lives stated how you basically think she must have no self respect for not driving.

You've pointed out that she (your word) mooches rides from other people but in your response to the other person have stated that she is not allowed to drive your car. So in what way does her lifestyle of not owning a vehicle affect you?

If her husband got a motorcycle and she still has no car, how does this affect you?

If this is simply about how your husband responds to you and treats you that's different but if you read my response entirely you would see that I also state that it may be your critical nature of others that is why he responds how he does.

Another example, my SIL asked me to start getting her kid ready and taking him to school in the mornings since she starts earlier and would have to get a babysitter. I said OK. After a few days of dealing with a kid who did not listen, would not eat breakfast and would not prepare for school related things (he wanted to play on the PS3 ALL morning) I told her I can't take care of him in the mornings unless she's going to help me enforce that he not be on his PS3. She wasn't willing to do this. This kid was being threatened of being left back so I thought it important he go over spelling words, maths, etc. I just couldn't spend my time in the morning (I work, too and was doing this for free) with a kid who wouldn't work on his studies when he was already falling behind. It just felt so wrong. When I told my husband this he tells me I shouldn't co parent. I'm not co parenting, but if you want me to devote my time it has to be under a circumstance that I agree with and I Just didn't agree with that morning routine.

I see this as leading to a point that may be destructive on the husbands part. After all discussion is something many people value and not just women. Many men have a real problem keeping the relationship fresh in the face of passing time. Men simply have to work much harder to keep a good woman in their lives. This might be why I have been alone for over 11 years now.

I have seen this in relationships with people I have known. The common tie here is the simple reaction by the hubby and of course needing more examples is needed to properly discuss this. The comparing of others to your own life is a slippery slope. That said, you do not seem to be living a life of doing this "comparing then commenting" but in fact simply stated an unfair example of living as observed in this woman's marriage.

My 2 cents says: He is not letting her drive then he deserves to be left in the dust and if he is one of the brute men who try to act tough by being quiet and aloof then your decision may already be made. I watched a woman support my unemployed brother for 2 years and she paid for everything! This is in the USA where his unemployment money stopped at 6 months and was only enough to buy food and pay electricity and cable each month. She covered the mortgage on the house he wanted, the credit card bills, the booze, pot he smoked heavily each day and THEN... 4 new guns totaling over 3 grand! a new motorcycle, computer, 3 synthesizers and various clothes, movies, BluRay player. When she finally gave up and dumped him she literally moved in with friends, left my brother all the material possessions and NEVER went to court (which she could have and demanded compensation).

I have thought about the events, the money and the mindset of each of them during that time. Well he looked like Johnny Dep from the 1990's and she was a hottie who loved to work hard but go out all weekend and partying but during the week she was strictly business and I guess she was paying for her arm candy? But a fine example of dysfunction and attachment that many really need to overcome themselves to avoid serious mental anguish when a relationship shows warning signs, uncomfortable moments that increase as time goes on and overlooking the work one contributes vs the other partner.

Perhaps he's not "dumping" on it. Perhaps he simply doesn't want to hear you judge how other people live?

I understand you and, yes, we all judge people. ALL of us do it. Some of us have learned to not give opinions on how others live because people don't want to hear it, especially men (SORRY ALL MEN.....IT'S JUST WHAT I THINK)...

So, what about them getting a motorcycle is affecting you? Does she ask you for rides?

ETA...sounds like a half-day Kindergarten thing?

If so, then no, he's too young to understand any of this. Simple direction is all you can do at that age. And they have the attention span of a gnat.
He won't understand consequences and studying and preparing yet.....that comes when they're about 30...

What's the problem with just getting him ready and letting him be on the PS3? Why do you enforce YOUR requirements on others?

You aren't kidding when you said you are high maintenance. Too much trouble for me.

I SHOULD stop being so critical. I just don't know how, .

I'm sure it's not something you set out to do. *hugs*

It is indeed tough to do. I bet you're a Virgo...

Yes. Very Virgo.
I try VERY hard to keep my judgments and opinions to myself in real life. Apart from my husband, I kind of live a double life because I know my approach can be intense and unlikable. I gotta wonder if I should just start censoring myself around him and see where that goes? Hold back and be a more neutral party instead of always saying what I think.

The thing is, he used to LOVE it about me. He always told me that I brought out the best in him with my life demands and expectations I set for myself, but all of a sudden I'm like a piece of **** to him. He's told me until he met me he never knew he'd be capable of getting certain things or accomplishing certain things, but my attitude (which now revolts him) is what encouraged him to do so.

He's actually 8! This happened last year.
His grades got SO bad he had to participate in a fullt ime summer program which cost his mom a lot of money. It was either that or be held back.
He's doing OK now, though. I think a summer in school taught him to just take it a touch mroe seriously.

I think if this woman demands you give her rides to work then of course it effects you. But if not then I don't see how it effects you in any shape or form.

You also have to understand that other people might have high standards too, just different than yours. They might judge you just the same as you judge them.

You think not having a car is s big thing. And somehow it indicates high standards (I don't see how but ok)

What if so and so says that they think any responsible able bodied adult should have graduate degree by a certain age and since you don't have it you are kind of low class compare to them etc etc Other people can judge you just the same you judge them.

If you don't want to babysit in the morning, then don't. I don't know what kind of studies you think that kid needs, but I would stay out of it. I personally wouldn't babysit before work.

You are newlyweds. Shouldn't it be a blissful happy time? You had tons of complains before marrying him, it's typically not getting better after marriage if things are bad during engagement . If you already don't want to be around him, then it's not going to get better. Is there more to all this?

Ps and I see this story with your nephew happened last year. Why does it still upset you?

This really touched me. I do think you should let go of your judgements and I bet you could ease up on yourself a bit more too.

As other people have mentioned, this other women and her husband need to work out there own stuff. I see where you are coming from. I've taken the bus to work for a few years and having a car was life changing. I'm very fortunate that I could afford a decent car. If you don't live in an area with adequate public transit it becomes essential to success unless you can bike to work or afford Taxi's. A decent motorcycle can be purchased for much less than a decent car. Perhaps he got a very good deal on it? We cannot assign importance and priorities to other humans. They are allowed to do that themselves. Unless the parent told you to force the kid to study, it was not needed. I applaud your efforts in trying to do a good thing but your subsequent reaction when an 8 year old didn't willingly just follow direction shows you're not prepared for the task and nobody asked so best not to do it. It seems you feel over-extended by this family and could possibly be helped by continuing to deny helping them with daycare until you are less stressed.

Do you think you could lighten up a bit? Your guy might have really loved the drive and commitment to ideals but perhaps he wants to see a softer side of you sometimes too. We learn people's quirks much more quickly once we live together. Sometimes what is cute on random dates becomes too much once you're living together and it's a constant thing. With that said I think you should be able to be your authentic self and so censoring yourself doesn't sound like a healthy option either. (((Hugs)))

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans is a book which I believe should be required reading....not saying I read anything verbally abusive, but still......hope you will read it....criticism can grow into abusive behavior. hugs

Thank you so much for responding, everyone. Your feedback has honestly been very helpful. I don't walk away from this thread feeling like an absolute monster of a wife, but I feel like I need to tweak myself...

I AM a judgmental and critical person. I always have been and I always will be. I don't like to keep company with people who don't have the same morals or approach to things as I do. Whether it be child rearing, healthy eating, finances, etc., I just don't see the point. It feels like a waste of energy to me. Too many problems and conflicts arise when you're not on the same page for day-to-day activities. As an adult, free time is so limited.

That being said, I think it would be a good idea for me to tone myself down. I don't want to change completely because I really do like who I am. I like that I don't just chum along with everyone.

When it comes to his family, I think I'll just STFU. He knows how I feel and there's no point in me constantly voicing my opinion when a new situation presents itself in disguise of an old issue. It is very difficult for someone like me to bite my tongue! I also get paranoid he's going to turn into them (not just his family, but the type of people I judge, criticize, etc.) and bring me down with him. My biggest fear as a wife is getting fat, having no hobbies and just rotting away on my couch with him by my side while our neglected children play PS3. We'llbe too tired from work to keep a clean house or cook nutritious meals so it'll be a life of Netflix and chill. Now, that's cool if that's how YOU want to live, but I can't go out like that... I Just can't. So I see people who do live like that as scary and very threatening.

When it comes to other people, I think I'll just tone done. I won't be quiet completely. I have my opinions and i'm entitled to them.

I'm a Virgo too....I'm sure I could list the quirks that make us...unique but we both know them.

The absolute most valuable thing I have learned is to just wait and not speak straight away.

I try to think if I want to hear what I have to say...

You certainly don't need to become fat or have no hobbies and just rot on a coach. I am 50 and I am neither (neither is my husband!). But you can only accomplish it by being in control of your own life. Not the life of others. And you can accomplish it by finding a partner who is on the same page as you.

Unless these tv watching laying on the couch lazy unaccomplished people move inside my house against ny will and tie me up lol I don't care what they do. I have high standards and a certain life style that will continue living regardless how others live theirs. My husband came from a very dysfunctional family of underachievers, but he isn't this way (he is the only one in the entire extended family with college degrees and professional career etc). I wouldn't marry him if he was just like them. It wasn't who I am or how I was raised.

I think it all boils to choices. Nobody can make you live certain way or do certain things. It's all up to you

My brother and his current wife see themselves as "better" and more driven than others. They treat people like they are better and then wonder why people don't like them. I told my brother once "you and your wife treat everyone like you are better than them and it makes people uncomfortable". He responded with "that's because we are and we have stronger values and ideals than other people". I shrugged my shoulders and said "hope that works out for ya". A few short months later their house was raided and the kids they were fostering were removed from the home under allegations of abuse and neglect. (No, I did not make a call, the parents of the children did). My brother was very violent and abused to me my whole life, he beat his first wife and his current wife. So I tend to believe the allegations were true. Some people think they are all that when they are little more than self inflated and ignorant.

I learn more by talking to a homeless man than I do some chief of police or self assigned man of God. The Jesus figure hung out with criminals and prostitutes. People who are judged by their accomplishments are usually rather lucky people who got lots of breaks along the way. People who are judged on their failures have usually gotten a lot of bad breaks on the way.

Stick with the winners and you will be surrounded by winners and happier. Stick with the losers and you might be less happy but learn much more about the value and truth of humanity.

Each person should be allowed to live in their truth and as long as they don't harm others, it would be nice if they weren't judged to harshly for it. You can never understand a persons path unless you have taken each step they have.

I wish you nothing but the best.

I suspect that your husband takes your criticism of your sister-in-law to be criticism of his brother. Part of your husband might agree with you but another part of him, the part that is connected to his brother, takes offense when your brother is criticised.