Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

~Christina · Jan 10, 2017, 11:06 AM

But it's his clothing, my husband has lots of worn out clothes that if they were " mine" I would donate of give away, but no they are his and he an what he wants.

Mapper · Jan 10, 2017, 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

But it's his clothing, my husband has lots of worn out clothes that if they were " mine" I would donate of give away, but no they are his and he an what he wants.

There is NO WAY anyone would "donate" or give away that sweatshirt. It's horrible! Ripped, ragged, looks dirty no matter how much you wash it, stained. I have never seen clothes like that at a Goodwill store or the like.

He doesn't want to get rid of things that should obviously go away, but when something of mine gets damaged due to his error, he doesn't understand what the big deal is. I picked up a wooden coffee table from the side of the road that had "free" on it. I refinished that twice and it was beautiful. When we moved, it ended up getting a huge gouge it in from another piece of furniture that he packed in the trailer. I was upset but all he could say is "What's the big deal? You picked it up on the side of the road, it's not like you paid $200 for it". Yet a few months later when I accidently shrunk his wool shirt in the dryer that he got from an ex-girlfriend's dad 15 years earlier, he could not stop going off on me about how I ruined it. It was from his ex girlfriend's dad's shirt (an ex girlfriend who he still talks about all the time) but it meant the world to him because her dad thought enough about him to give him one of his shirts! Apparently he could have sentimental value about that but I couldn't with my table that I refinished. He went off on me so much about it that I had to buy one that was nearly identical to make up for it. That cost me $100!

Jan 10, 2017, 11:33 AM

Mapper,I have a question,if you could change one thing about yourself,what would it be?

Mapper · Jan 10, 2017, 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CrispApple

Mapper,I have a question,if you could change one thing about yourself,what would it be?

To be able to say what is on my mind no matter how much it upsets him and be able to still be happy with myself and do what I want to do without feeling like crap because of him. I can't get past that though. He says some smarmy remark to me and I immediately shut down and feel like crap. I don't want to do anything, talk to anyone, go anywhere. All I want to do is sit there and be pissed off but then also I desperately want him to talk to me and not be angry with me for something he made me angry about in the first place. To be able to have an argument where I can tell him how I feel about all the **** he does and not feel like I need to turn around and apologize afterwards because now he's angry at me and I can't stand that. Apologizing to him for being angry at me for being angry at him because he didn't go to work for 2 weeks!

Like he said to me once when I was all stressed out and upset about him not going to work for weeks and he would never tell me the real reason he wasn't going in and I was getting so upset. He said "It really stresses me out when you're stressed out so I need you to be upbeat about things okay?" So basically he's telling me I can never be upset or unhappy because that upsets HIM so forget about ever having an actual discussion about things that upset me.

Jan 10, 2017, 11:50 AM

Thanks for sharing all that,but I asked for ONE thing.

If you could change ONE thing about yourself,what would it be?
(if you had the chance to change anything about YOURSELF,what would you pick?)

Mapper · Jan 10, 2017, 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CrispApple

Thanks for sharing all that,but I asked for ONE thing.

If you could change ONE thing about yourself,what would it be?
(if you had the chance to change anything about YOURSELF,what would you pick?)

To speak what is on my mind without worrying about the consequences.

Jan 10, 2017, 11:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapper

To speak what is on my mind without worrying about the consequences.

Thank you for answering.

That's where you need to begin,that's what you need to focus on.Screw everything else for awhile,let everything else go and focus on that.

What do you need to do in order to make that happen?
Do you need therapy?Alanon?What exactly do you need to do in order to accomplish that?Think about yourself and what you need to do,don't take into consideration what he would think or feel or say,what others would think,etc.Only focus on that one goal for now,focus on what YOU need to do.

And then begin working on it.

Mapper · Jan 10, 2017, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CrispApple

Thank you for answering.

That's where you need to begin,that's what you need to focus on.Screw everything else for awhile,let everything else go and focus on that.

What do you need to do in order to make that happen?
Do you need therapy?Alanon?What exactly do you need to do in order to accomplish that?Think about yourself and what you need to do,don't take into consideration what he would think or feel or say,what others would think,etc.Only focus on that one goal for now,focus on what YOU need to do.

And then begin working on it.

I'm sorry, but nothing will help. This is how I've always been, non confrontational. Sure I need therapy--lots of it--but I know even if I sat down with a therapist and looked her in the eye and said "I'm going to go home and tell my husband what I think" or "I'm not going to let his moods ruin mine" that I would never do it. I would just tell her I would and then probably lie about it next therapy session. It's so stuck in my mind that this is how I react and I don't want to rock the boat that I could sit there and tell her all this stuff, but I know even before starting therapy that I'd just go back to my old self. I cannot shake the horrible feeling I have when someone is upset with me. I cannot help but feel that as soon as I express my anger or sadness about something someone did or the way they acted, that they are going to hate me forever and never forgive me.

I mean, even right now I'm at work and I'm having a hard time focusing because I'm afraid he's going to be upset with me again tonight, even though he seemed fine when we went to bed. I can never shake that feeling of upsetting him, of walking on eggshells until I'm sure he's in a good mood.

12:27 PM

Of course nothing will help as long as that's what you keep telling yourself even though it's total b.s.

Anything learned can be unlearned.Where there's a will there's a way.I am not even sure you really want things to change,otherwise you would at least try instead of giving excuse after excuse.Maybe you thrive on chaos and drama subconsciously or something,I don't know.

I tried,and everyone else here has tried too.Maybe it's time you try.

Jan 10, 2017, 12:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapper

I'm a happy person by nature.

I believe you about this but you are not coming of this way in these posts. You are seriously resentful of your H. Some of the stuff you complain about seems serious while other things seem petty (but if you are truly afraid to confront him, verses just not wanting to deal with him, that is a serious issue). Your venting here probably relieves some of your anger but it might be a warning sign that you really need to do something about your life before something seriously bad happens. I think that CrispApple was right that "... it's just how both of you are expressing your unhappiness,and it will eventually take its toll and come to a head."
When I made a near lethal attempt nearly two years ago, I was feeling very angry at my H when I did it. We were both under a lot of stress. I opted to seek therapy and have done loads of self reflection since that attempt. At the moment, I am feeling content about the marriage (I have a mood disorder so this could change). I don't know what the answer is for you only that just venting on PC may not be enough given what you have described in this thread. When we don't look out for our own best interests, we are allowing bad things to happen to us. So many people have provided you good advice here. I wish I had that kind of advice BEFORE I attempted. You say you only want to vent but, subconsciously, you may be even more disturbed than you are admitting to yourself (I say MAY, I don't know).
PS. You say divorce is out because of debt; do you know how much debt you are in and understand how bankruptcy laws work in the US and why they are there? Debt balloons out control when it is ignored. You need to make sure compound interest is working for you, not against you. Whether you divorce or stay married forever, debt cannot be ignored.

Mapper · 01:19 PM

I need him to tell me "It's okay if you're upset with me. It's okay if you had a bad day. It's okay if you speak your mind and it's not what I think. I'm not going to leave you or disown you. I'll still love you." If he would tell me that and follow through with that, it would be such a relief, but as it is now, simply telling him I'm upset or simply showing it would send him through the roof and he would immediately turn something around on me like "Oh great, I'm the cause of all your grief aren't I? Well you're just like everyone else who is out to get me. Fine, be mad at me, see if I care! I don't need you or anyone else. You mine as well go hang out with my daughter then because she seems to feel the same way about me". It would somehow turn into being all about what a bad person I must make him out to be rather than me just simply telling him I want to be upset without feeling like I'm a bad person.

I need him to listen to me when I tell him I'm upset about something he's doing or not doing and understand my point of view and let me talk. Not immediately turn it around and have him find something about me that upsets him and interrupt me and tell me all the things I've done in the past month that upset him. Nothing gets accomplished that way, it just takes the spotlight off of him and then I think "Wow, I must have acted horribly this past month. I'm so sorry".

Sesiley · Jan 10, 2017, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapper

***DISCLAIMER*** - Not looking for suggestions to change my toxic relationship, but rather just want to vent

H hasn't been to work all week. He's been too into his video game to leave the house. I sent a message to H about whether he was at work and he sent me a frowny face. Day 3 of not working. Then he tells me "I've been looking for a temp job." Okay here we go again. I say "What kind?" He goes "Leaving options open. There's a couple of restaurants looking for cooks and asst cooks. Might be time to learn something new." Great! You'll go and work at a restaurant with crappy hours probably making minimum wage. Meanwhile you're not going to a job you already have so that you can look for a job that you want to have to get out of a job you just said a few weeks ago you really like but now they've cut your commission (the part that you never should have been getting in the first place!) and you think you need to go somewhere else. What happened to this sales rep job you were psyched about a week ago? Are you looking for a temp job between this one and that one which you swear you are going to get?? For some reason you can't eke out another month or two at this job if you are so sure you're going to get this other one ? Every time he wants to look for another job, he needs to take a week off of work without pay to spend 10 minutes a day looking at Craigslist ads for jobs that he wont' spend the time filling out paperwork for!

He even had the nerve to send me a message yesterday asking if I'd stop by his work and pick up his check for him since they seem to be the last place on earth that doesn't direct deposit!! There was no way I was doing that! I'm not lying to everyone telling them you're sick when you simply don't want to work. I'm sure as hell not going out of my way to get your check when all you are doing is sitting at home drinking and playing video games.If you can't get yourself to work then I guess you won't get your check!

I totally agree with you... I'm sorry you are having to deal with that...

Sesiley · Jan 10, 2017, 01:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapper

Only 6 years married, 12 years together. No kids. Should be easy to walk away, but it stresses me out just thinking about it. Just easier to stay where I am.

Could be less stressful than you think. Use a separation to get your mind clear and your spouse can realize what he lost for a brief time and change..

Sesiley · Jan 10, 2017, 01:56 PM

I hate seeing unhappy relationships, but it's not ever peaches and cream. The infatuation is what people strive for, but that's just in the beginning of the relationship.. like a honeymoon phase.

Know your worth. Know when too much is too much. Take small steps. Talk it over with your spouse...

Jan 10, 2017, 03:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think the only way to get through this marriage and remain sane is to disengage, not to engage in arguments and spend less time together. Like since there are no kids at home, I wouldn't come home at 5pm, I'd get a second job or go to gym every night and arrive home right before night is over, wash and eat and sleep. I wouldn't come home early and wouldn't hang out every night. On the weekends I'd hang out with girlfriends. Or work second job, and attend Alan on meetings.

That's all I can advice. If the person can't or won't leave, there is nothing else they can do but disengage

I think this is good solid advice - when me and H had a stressful patch many years ago this was what I did to get through the worst of it, disengage and get busy with other stuff -we were clashing all the time and that disengagement gave us space. We did come together the other side of it.

All of the things Divine describes could well give you that mental space you need to breathe and work out where to go from here.

Sometimes a bit of space works wonders.

~Christina · Jan 10, 2017, 05:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapper

I need him to tell me "It's okay if you're upset with me. It's okay if you had a bad day. It's okay if you speak your mind and it's not what I think. I'm not going to leave you or disown you. I'll still love you." If he would tell me that and follow through with that, it would be such a relief, but as it is now, simply telling him I'm upset or simply showing it would send him through the roof and he would immediately turn something around on me like "Oh great, I'm the cause of all your grief aren't I? Well you're just like everyone else who is out to get me. Fine, be mad at me, see if I care! I don't need you or anyone else. You mine as well go hang out with my daughter then because she seems to feel the same way about me". It would somehow turn into being all about what a bad person I must make him out to be rather than me just simply telling him I want to be upset without feeling like I'm a bad person.

I need him to listen to me when I tell him I'm upset about something he's doing or not doing and understand my point of view and let me talk. Not immediately turn it around and have him find something about me that upsets him and interrupt me and tell me all the things I've done in the past month that upset him. Nothing gets accomplished that way, it just takes the spotlight off of him and then I think "Wow, I must have acted horribly this past month. I'm so sorry".

You do realize you're in a abusive relationship, right?

He is verbally and emotional abusing you and stomping down any sign of you wanting to be able to talk about things.

Verbal and emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical , which in this case could happen.

Until these last few posts from you I thought you just had petty stuff and nonsense arguing going.

The fact that you are so ******scared ***of his reactions is due to being abused by him.

Is the reason you can't leave due to his reaction and your fear of upsetting him if you tried?

There is help you can stop the abuse. YOU take that hard first step by reaching out for help, you are strong enough for this.

Mapper · Jan 10, 2017, 05:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

You do realize you're in a abusive relationship, right?

He is verbally and emotional abusing you and stomping down any sign of you wanting to be able to talk about things.

Verbal and emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical , which in this case could happen.

Until these last few posts from you I thought you just had petty stuff and nonsense arguing going.

The fact that you are so ******scared ***of his reactions is due to being abused by him.

Is the reason you can't leave due to his reaction and your fear of upsetting him if you tried?

There is help you can stop the abuse. YOU take that hard first step by reaching out for help, you are strong enough for this.

Partially not leaving because it's just overwhelming to me to start over and go through the whole divorce thing and easier to just stay with the status quo. Also, because I would not want to be around him if I even remotely hinted at it because he would find a way to shift all the blame on me and make me feel horrible and anything I'd say would be turned against me.

seesaw · Jan 10, 2017, 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mapper

Partially not leaving because it's just overwhelming to me to start over and go through the whole divorce thing and easier to just stay with the status quo. Also, because I would not want to be around him if I even remotely hinted at it because he would find a way to shift all the blame on me and make me feel horrible and anything I'd say would be turned against me.

You don't seem to understand though that the temporary discomfort of dealing with a divorce and his bad attitude would be followed by the permanent breath of fresh air of never having to deal with him again. I find it hard to believe that you are willing to put very temporary calm and quiet (that you don't have anyways) over being happy with your life.

Seesaw

divine1966 · Jan 10, 2017, 06:57 PM

I left my ex (granted we weren't married but lived together longer than you were living with your husband), I left him at 48, he frankly wasn't nearly as bad and was a loving person and hard working but he had drinking problem, that's why I wouldn't marry and that's why it got too much for me, I was losing my mind. Daily drinking just doesn't fit into my life style. It was hard to leave him but I did.

At 49 I met my future husband and we got married at 50. We are having a blast, never been more content with my life. You aren't even 45! Why waste your time. Of course it is your choice but if you worry about age, there is nothing to worry about.

TishaBuv · Jan 11, 2017, 07:55 AM

You can develop better skills at handling conflict so his tactic won't work on you of turning things around to make you feel like you are wrong (gaslighting). What he is doing is an abuse tactic to stun and cripple his victim (YOU). His ultimate goal is to take you for all your money. I said it in an earlier post on this thread, too.

divine1966 · Jan 11, 2017, 05:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You can develop better skills at handling conflict so his tactic won't work on you of turning things around to make you feel like you are wrong (gaslighting). What he is doing is an abuse tactic to stun and cripple his victim (YOU). His ultimate goal is to take you for all your money. I said it in an earlier post on this thread, too.

He treats mapper like she is his sugar mamma supporting him and his addictions/bad habits. Embarrassing. At least if he treated her well. But he isn't very nice. No shame. Mapper could do way better

~Christina · Jan 11, 2017, 08:49 PM

Mapper, do you only reply here when at work ? Are you scared to use the Internet on PC at home ? In case he sees you doing this ?

Just wondering

seesaw · Jan 11, 2017, 10:05 PM

I don't think she's afraid of him in that way...I think she more gets annoyed with how he belittles her.

Seesaw

Jan 11, 2017, 11:03 PM

Does your first post still stand true, that this is a venting post and you do not want advice?

Just looking for clarification. Thanks. Couldn't read 20 pages.

divine1966 · Jan 12, 2017, 05:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seesaw

I don't think she's afraid of him in that way...I think she more gets annoyed with how he belittles her.

Seesaw

I think it's more than being annoyed. She says she walks on eggshells and can't focus at work because she worries that he will become mad about something when she goes home. She also is afraid of his reaction if she goes somewhere and does something. It doesn't mean she is afraid of physical assault but she is still experience lots of anxiety and fear over his behavior and his reactions to something he perceives she does wrong. She is afraid to tell him what she feels. It's more than annoyance.

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Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

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