Here we go again with H not going to work so he can look for another job!

I totally second crisp apple. In fact I am even starting to feel sorry for your husband. I'm not surprised he is the way he is. Living in that environment must be utterly miserable. He is burying his misery in computer games and pot. And you...have you read your posts back to yourself. Do you realise how you sound?

You are sounding unwell, mentally I mean . Why do you want him to fail so bad. Why are you envious of him, 'getting away with stuff' at his work. What difference does it make to you, none. Except No one is validating your view of him.

Takes two to make this mess and honestly without you he probably wouldn't be as bad as he is now.

Sorry I have tried to offer a rational balanced perspective.
Now I am just calling it like I see it.

Omg that made me cringe.Poor guy,if he only knew you were publicly trash talking him.You obviously enjoy doing this,it must make you feel so superior to him.

No advice from me this time,or anymore,since it seems to be pointless and a waste of time,especially since you have already made it clear you don't want advice.You have also made it clear you are not willing to do anything,to do anything for yourself,to make any changes.

I do have some comments though...

I think you thrive on all the chaos and drama,I think you enjoy all this detective work you are doing,spying and snooping,trying to find all the dirt and gossip on him.I think it keeps you going,I think you may even get off on it.I think you really enjoy coming here and sharing the latest dirt on him and trash talking him.

Why?

Because by focusing on him,what he does,all his faults,you never really have to take a look at yourself,your own faults,your unhappiness with yourself,your unhappiness with your life and your marriage.You use him as a distraction because you don't dare face yourself or your life.

You won't stop doing what you are doing because it keeps you from facing the truth and facing reality.You are too afraid to make much needed changes,to take responsibility for yourself so you turn it all on him,blame him for everything that goes wrong and for everything that is wrong.

You are too afraid to put down your microscope and pick up a mirror,you are too afraid of what you will see.

***DISCLAIMER*** - Not looking for suggestions to change my toxic relationship, but rather just want to vent

H hasn't been to work all week. He's been too into his video game to leave the house. I sent a message to H about whether he was at work and he sent me a frowny face. Day 3 of not working. Then he tells me "I've been looking for a temp job." Okay here we go again. I say "What kind?" He goes "Leaving options open. There's a couple of restaurants looking for cooks and asst cooks. Might be time to learn something new." Great! You'll go and work at a restaurant with crappy hours probably making minimum wage. Meanwhile you're not going to a job you already have so that you can look for a job that you want to have to get out of a job you just said a few weeks ago you really like but now they've cut your commission (the part that you never should have been getting in the first place!) and you think you need to go somewhere else. What happened to this sales rep job you were psyched about a week ago? Are you looking for a temp job between this one and that one which you swear you are going to get?? For some reason you can't eke out another month or two at this job if you are so sure you're going to get this other one ? Every time he wants to look for another job, he needs to take a week off of work without pay to spend 10 minutes a day looking at Craigslist ads for jobs that he wont' spend the time filling out paperwork for!

He even had the nerve to send me a message yesterday asking if I'd stop by his work and pick up his check for him since they seem to be the last place on earth that doesn't direct deposit!! There was no way I was doing that! I'm not lying to everyone telling them you're sick when you simply don't want to work. I'm sure as hell not going out of my way to get your check when all you are doing is sitting at home drinking and playing video games.If you can't get yourself to work then I guess you won't get your check!

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of bullsh@t that people will put up with. A friend of mine used to tell people who complained about their situation but refuse todo anything to change it...."come down off that cross little martyr, there's only room for one up there."

He doesn't know I know or do anything. I keep it all to myself, so why would he be miserable about me checking up on him? He doesn't know I know about all his lies. As far as he's concerned he thinks he's been giving me great excuses which I believe. He doesn't know I check his stuff to catch him in all these lies....or should I say "alternate facts"! If he'd stop lying to me about being at work, or going to work, or paying a bill then I wouldn't have to check and see if it's true. I almost feel like I need to have his manager sign a note that he brings home to let me know he actually was at work that day!

And no, he isn't miserable. Keeps telling me how much he loves me and how I'm the best thing to happen to him and how I've calmed him down so much.

Maybe you were asked this before .... But.... how old are you ?

I know you won't respond until you are at work because you don't want him to know you are a member of PC.

40s, I think early 40s

40s, I think early 40s

Once you try to talk to him, I really DO HOPE you will try to talk about your debts, income, and bills. If your gut says he is lying about his debts--go here (this is the one thing you might want to spy about):

https://www.annualcreditreport.com/index.action

Hopefully, you will be able to answer the security questions in regards to him. If you pull a credit report on him--you will know about all of his significant debts. Of course, it would be better to pull your credit reports together and be up front about it. You'll feel better about yourself whenever you can make yourself be more direct. I do think Prefab is right about therapy. Most therapists aren't scary at all and once you go a while, you'll eventually strike up the nerve to discuss what's really troubling you. But since you are having trouble confronting him.....

I've already spied about the debts. He's about $15,000 in credit card debt. I was upset a few years ago when it was only $500! Tack on about another $3000 in Pay Pal credit where he went when his credit card limits were reached. Owes about $10,000 on student loans, another $10,000 on a motorcycle loan. He never gets anywhere with these because he makes $100/month payments and then gets $75 interest tacked on.


And he won't EVER save. He never has and won't now. Sure he'll tell me after he sees how much our bills are that he'll bring his lunch to work everyday(that is, when he goes) and he won't buy video games and computer parts and motorcycle parts. That will last for a week and then the next week he's buying lunch every day because he's tired of making his own, going out with coworkers and spending $50 at a bar, buying a new, faster computer part for $200, a new, faster motorcycle part for $500. It doesn't matter how much I talk to him about it, he won't do it after a few days and go back to his usual ways.

SMH. Unbelievable! Do you know where the curb is?

I've already spied about the debts. He's about $15,000 in credit card debt. I was upset a few years ago when it was only $500! Tack on about another $3000 in Pay Pal credit where he went when his credit card limits were reached. Owes about $10,000 on student loans, another $10,000 on a motorcycle loan. He never gets anywhere with these because he makes $100/month payments and then gets $75 interest tacked on.

And he won't EVER save. He never has and won't now. Sure he'll tell me after he sees how much our bills are that he'll bring his lunch to work everyday(that is, when he goes) and he won't buy video games and computer parts and motorcycle parts. That will last for a week and then the next week he's buying lunch every day because he's tired of making his own, going out with coworkers and spending $50 at a bar, buying a new, faster computer part for $200, a new, faster motorcycle part for $500. It doesn't matter how much I talk to him about it, he won't do it after a few days and go back to his usual ways.

You said you hacked his fb account. If you got the password wrong it sends you an email to inform you someone is trying to access your account. Also there are ways of telling if your account has been accessed.

Questions:

1.)Why bother snooping and finding things out about him?If you don't plan on doing anything about it aren't you just hurting yourself?

2.)What is the point of doing that anyway?

3.)what do you do with all the info you find out?

4.)Does venting about him help you feel better?