Marriage separation after deployment

Recently? What sorts of things has she been lying about?

I was thinking about when she said, "I gave you 10 years". I think that was saying "I was committed to you for 10 years" and what she caught him doing changed that. Plus, I am wondering what kind of advice she is getting that could be "bad" advice from these friends she has been spending time with. Her friends are probably telling her it's high time she focused on herself for a change.

You just have to challenge everything and have the last word don't you?

Its evident because my response to your question ( which you directed at me) didn't call for a response...

Well I don't need to have it, so enjoy it, I've said my piece, and I'm done helping you hijack this thread.

I've caught my boyfriend texting other girls before, but we got through it. We've been together for 5 years now. He was honest with me. He said he was only curious. I learned how to control my emotions and everything has been great lately. It seems like she's just throwing everything away now. This upsets me for you. You realized you made a mistake and we all make mistakes. It's hard to give advice since she seems like she doesn't want to work it out.

College life can change some people. I know of someone who had a great relationship. They lived together, her daughter from another guy basically thought of them as a dad... she wanted to go to college and he actually helped paid for her to start going. That's when it all changed. She ended up leaving him for a girl.

It isn't about any challenge though Trippin. It's looking at a puzzle in different ways so perhaps the OP can think about this situation in more than one way. Wouldn't it be nice if things were just black and white when it comes to people and making decisions about them. Truth is, there is a lot of gray when it comes to the human psyche and how people see things. How people feel anger has a lot to do with their history, how they look at things and what their expectations are as well as their personal self esteem, maturity level and how that is affected when it comes to challenges.

Relationships are most definitely a challenge, that's why this forum is pretty much the busiest forum on the site. A lot of women marry for "safety" and that's a priority that is established deep in their psyche. How a woman may react to catching their spouse flirting with another woman online has a lot to do with their own sense of self esteem and what "safety and trust" means to them personally.

For example, when he talked about her saying that when he is around all that happens with her on a deep emotional level is the reminder of how deeply hurt she was when she caught him interacting with another woman online. To me that is saying how deeply insecure she must have been. She is running away from that hurt, that's what the yo yo in this is about IMO.

When a person is deeply hurt, often that person wants the person who hurt them to suffer that same hurt. In his mind he talks about being apart for over a year right? I don't think that is how she sees it. He was deployed for 9 months, she was alone with this deep hurt and stewed and then when he came home, that's when she began her game to feed her desire to have him "hurt" as much as she was hurt.

I think she is tackling more than just that though right now. I think she had a big reality check, a wake up call, and has been trying to do something she did not do a long time ago, get an education in something where she can provide for herself. BUT, going back to school after so many years away from being involved in the educational system can be scary. Also, getting a nursing degree is not easy. There is actually a lot one has to learn and remember and I know people that went through that and they talked about how hard it really is. I know people that set out to get a degree in nursing and could not make it and gave it up. Some only get to being a nurse's aide too and these people make a lot less than nurses make.

She may be under a lot more personal stress than Dad realizes. And maybe she just can't make a decision because she is so uncertain about so many things right now. And perhaps a part of her is hanging on to some kind of security when it comes to him, even though she still is running from that hurt she experienced.

We only get to hear from one person in this situation. I am trying to consider some other things other than just coming up with "she is wrong and you are too good for her so ditch her". I know he wants an answer from her, and she is flip flopping and I don't think she actually knows what to do right now. I think she is still running from that hurt. I think she should be reaching out to a therapist. And while that sounds easy, well, sometimes people avoid that out of "fear" and yet thinking they should be able to figure things out on their own, so some times it touches on embarrassment too. It takes courage to reach out for help and even "can I trust someone to be able to help me?". What I am hearing about is an individual who is acting based on their confused and hurt emotions. Pushing someone to make a decision in that condition can result in getting a decision based on emotion which can end up being the wrong decision. I think she is trying "not" to make a decision based on emotion and the yo yo is reflecting what she is feeling emotionally switching back and forth between hurt and anger and over all insecurity.

Not only that, but none of the posters here, including myself are trained professionals.

Personally? I don't want to have him make a decision based on my opinion either. I do respect that he is putting in the effort to consider different ways of looking at this challenge.

I do think his wife should spend time with a therapist that can help her figure out these confusing emotions she is clearly challenged with so she doesn't end up making a decision solely based on emotional confusion.

There is no competition between you and me either, we just have different ways of looking at this situation. There has been an ongoing lack of communication between the two of them, this has been going on for a while, before she caught him and she reacted and has been consistently making bad choices based on her emotions. I think she is immature tbh and needs help. And I think she is probably not getting the right advice from her friends.

Does she know EXACTLY WHAT you are willing to do to support her going through school? Like a detailed proposal from you that guarantees the completion of her education? Not just words claiming that you will.

That is what I would be demanding at this point in time if I ever considered that there was a future in the marriage. She is looking at her OWN financial security that ONLY SHE HERSELF can provide for herself. All are the consequences of your texting but that created an awakening in her WAY BEYOND what you seem to be capable of understanding.

I done everything I can possible what else can I do?

What's going on now Dad, have you moved back in or did she change her mind on that again?

Changed her mind again. I'm probably just going to file separation paperwork to get everything down pack so we don't have to communicate. Then she can live her life the way she want and I'll just move on with mines.

I am sorry DadFMF. What did she say to you when you found out she changed her mind?

Well last night, the kids wanted me to come over to read them a bedtime story, so I went to her house and read them a story. Upon completion of the story, I didn't say anything to her, put my shoes on and left. About 25 seconds later as I am going to my car (She lives in apartments) I receive a text from her saying "You didn't have to leave". I responded back saying that I came over to read my children a story, butbyou didn't mention anything about me staying. I asked if she would like me to come back in and she responded "Do Whatever" so I eventually went back in. We watched TV and then we talked about things but she still is lying to me about details and things I already know that are true. I told her if she feels that she needed to lie or wants to live a single life, she can, just not on my watch. I reiterated that I am looking for a committed marriage and not just a part time wife. She actually gaveended up giving me a semi hug, which felt good since that was the first time I touched her in a year. Then her defense went back up and she started being sarcastic about things. She mentioned that we could move back in together but she wanted her own room....like who says that??? So I ended up staying there till about 2am. I tried to get close to her, even asked if I could lay next to her and she still refuses to even do that. I just don't know what is going through her mind. She told me earlier in the day to just let go of past issues but yet she brings them up. Then she says sarcastic things about the guy she was hanging out with like "Oh yeah, I slept with him and done this and that ect" cause she said that all I ever talked about. All I wanted was real honest answers. I don't think I will ever get them. She's sending me mixed signals as she enjoys being married because it benefits her but yet she isn't really trying to be with me affectionately. She still keeps me at a distance. It's just not healthy. You wouldn't think that we where even married

I'm just as lost as ever. I'm coming to the realization that it's never going to be like we where once was. I know I am going to be the one to end it as there is no way she is going to. She is living comfortably receiving money and support from me without actually having to be a wife. She is cake eating as far as doing that to me and living a separate life. Marriage isn't about that. She said before she didn't want to live under me and I never said she had to. All I wanted was love and respect to rebuild our marriage. It's touch when you have children involved. I don't know if she is doing all of this cause she is hurt or if she is just using me.

When she said for you to do "whatever," I think you should have kept on walking to your car and left. She wants you to always be in the position of the "supplicant." Her message is that she feels no desire for you, but she may tolerate you from time to time.

I'ld love to believe that she is just hurt and needing you to make amends and, then, the marriage can go on. I'ld love to believe that . . . for your sake and for your kids' sake. Speaking of kids, I suspect your wife may have told them to ask you to read them a story. She seems to want you around, but only on terms of her being totally in control. I think she's testing out how submissive to her boundaries you are likely to be. I think the goal of these unusual boundaries is that you can move in with her as a housemate, but not as a husband. You living with her would maximize how much of your paycheck goes to her household.

If you have a large life insurance policy, be careful. She might want to cash in. I know that sounds far fetched, but your wife's cold-bloodedness is beyond anything I've ever heard of outside of certain TV shows.

I don't think your wife loves you. I wonder if she ever did. I wonder if she is capable of loving anyone.

I think you are a loving man. I think you deserve to be in a loving marriage. I doubt your wife will ever provide you with that.

talk about mixed messages....how would I interpret this? A full time wife could very well be interpreted that I don't want you working or getting an education. I just want you full time being WIFE....which could very well In her mind contradict your words telling her you support her education. You notice her coldness came back AFTER you said that. This would have been a perfect time to talk about what REAL LIFE support you are willing to give her in that support for her to have in gaining her ability to provide for herself if anything were to happen to you.

I saw that as being all about your needs in that conversation. Right now it looks like you are both in a pi$$ing contest with each other & you might as well write it off because you keep focusing on the crap without really looking at what is the foundational problem that exists between you & what she is fighting against.

I respectfully disagree EL. I don't see how the term "full time wife" can be interpreted to mean being at your husband's beck and call 24/7 and not having a life or career. This is not 19 wtf where woman weren't allowed to work. Mrs Dad wasn't raised in that era so why would she interpret it as that?

No, she wants the comfort and stability of marriage, yet she's wanting to live the single life, one which her husband has no say, vote or opinion in.

Full time wife means both feet in the door, a full commitment, not separate bedrooms and married in name only while receiving the financial benefits of a real marriage.

Dad, it seems your last conclusion is right, she's playing you and only you can end her game, it doesn't suite her to.

Trippin, you are 100% right. That is exactly what I mean and feel.

I'm not asking for much. Just want to live together, be actuallynin a committed relationship, feel loved, not insulted. Is that to much to ask?

And you deserve that.

Just such a pity you're not going to get it from her.

No it is not too much to ask.

When your wife finishes nursing school, her childcare needs are going to get a bit complicated. There aren't all that many nursing jobs where a nurse only has to work 9 to 5, especially for a new graduate. If she wants to work in a hospital, she'll be rotating shifts. I'll bet she's already thinking about that. So what's she going to do with these kids when she's working 3 - 11, or 11 - 7? Even day shifts for nurses typically start at 7 a.m. Who's going to get these kids up for school and feed them breakfast? On top of that, nurses don't always get off work on time, but can get stuck on the job for extra hours. Yeah, a live-in provider of childcare could save her a ton of money, broaden her employment opportunities and eliminate a huge amount of stress on her and on the kids. So you being there in your separate room would be just like her having a nanny. (Well, almost. You have to work as well.) My impression of your wife is that she is far from being confused about anything, but doing a lot of thorough thinking about how to best arrange things to meet her needs.

Of course, as a father, you won't think of being with your kids as you being a childcare provider. But I don't see her wanting you around for much more than how you can meet her material needs. And she's building up to that in such a way that it will seem like she's doing you a favor. Right now she's testing to see how desperate you are to be around her and the kids. She's figuring you might be desperate enough to put up with a loveless arrangement. She's not the first woman (or man) to come up with this idea of having a partnership of convenience. I recognize that this could be called speculation on my part. But I'm not pulling this out of thin air. Your wife may seem inconsistent to you, but what I see is a very consistent pattern of behavior on her part. Even her seeming to thaw a bit (like the half-hug,) followed by her becoming cool and aloof is a consistent game plan of baiting the hook, reeling you in, but slackening the line now and then to actually maximize her control of you. Think of how a sport fisherman allows the fish to swim away intermittently with reeling the fish in. This is to tire out the fish and avoid snapping the line. I think your wife is one heck of a planner.

Here's what I would love to believe: You move back in with your wife (sleeping in a separate room) and, little by little, she sees that you are not trying to undermine her career goals or her rightful claim to some independence, and gradually you win your way back into her heart. Then down the line you marriage gets back on track. I'ld love to believe that, and who am I to say it's not possible? In your quest to try everything possible to save your marriage, you may need to go along with this plan of hers to see where it takes you. (And she's got a plan in mind, if you ask me.) I suppose you've got nothing to lose by trying. But I think you also may be in for a world of hurt, on top of what she's already dished out.

Generally, people lie because they know that telling the truth makes them look bad. I believe you that your wife has been telling you lies that you were able to duscover as such. A spouse who's been unfaithful (emotionally or physically) may lie because the person truly regrets wandering from the marriage and doesn't want that mistake to undermine the attempt to rebuild the original relationship. I discourage people who've been unfaithful - and regret it - from even letting their partner know about it. I happen to believe that honesty isn't always the best policy . . . that there are some things which we should take to the grave. So your wife being less than truthful about her social excursions while you were deployed isn't what dampens my hope for your marriage. I wouldn't even feel all that harsh towards a military spouse who got lonely and found some respite from loneliness by taking up with an available source of warmth and affirmation. I truly believe - and have witnessed - that marriages can survive infidelity and become strong again. Sometimes, the past is just that - past. Sometimes, it can be smart to close the door on the past, stop digging into it and focus on the here and now and go forward. In the interest of leaving no stone unturned to save your marriage, you could even say to your wife: "Let's put the past behind us. I will not ask you anymore about what went on in your life while I was deployed, and I won't hold anything I happen to discover against you. I'll ask you to do the same with me and let's see if we can build a future together, without hanging on to any rancor over what may have happened and can't be changed now." Your wife doesn't want to live in fear of being judged by you and of having something thrown in her face for the next 50 years. You could reassure her that she will not have to deal with accusations and suspicion, if you get back together. You can reassure her that you would like to "start fresh." This is what I would love to believe is possible.

Having said all that, I'm not very hopeful of that being a possible or likely outcome because I don't think your wife regrets the running around she did while you were gone. And I don't think she's particularly intetested in committing to you for the future. I'm sorry to say that. I just don't see where there is any love left on her part.

It's good that you shared what happened and what conversation "did" take place.

I think you are "like a lot of men" at a disadvantage because men tend to be raised in a way where they are discouraged from being emotional. I think that's why "if" a man develops PTSD, it's much harder for them and the guilt and anger they experience is harder on them than it is for a woman who is "allowed" to be more emotional.

So, you went and did an activity with your two children and when you finished that, you put on your shoes and felt you had to leave.

Did you acknowledge or say anything at all to your wife? Let's say her name is Sue.

One scenario, is a presence that walks in, puts all his attention on the two children and doesn't say anything to Sue. So let's read the stories and now when that is finished I better put on my shoes and leave. I don't dare say anything when I leave, I just leave.

Here is something "important" to remember about other people in general. "we may not remember exactly what someone says to us, but we never forget how that person makes us "feel"".

With that in mind, here is another scenario that sends a different message. A husband comes in to read a story to his two children. When he comes in he says, "Hi Sue, how was your day, how was nursing school today, how's that coming along?". What that does for Sue, is it includes "her" in your visit, and it also sends her a message that you are acknowledging "her life" and what's important to "her". That will make her "feel" a positive about you or ANYONE ELSE that acknowledges her that way.

Back to the other scenario you described; Husband finishes reading and puts his shoes on and leaves. Then he gets a text, "You didn't have to leave". To that husband says,
"I came over to read my children a story, but you didn't mention anything about me staying. I asked if she would like me to come back in and she responded "Do Whatever" so I eventually went back in."

A more positive response, "You didn't have to leave" and husband says, "Oh, that's nice, I would love to come up and spend time with you and maybe watch a movie together and I would like to know how you are doing with nursing school too". Again, that helps Sue have a "positive" feeling about inviting the husband back in to spend time with her.

With the way you did respond in that scenario left her to "feel" lost or doubtful. And that is why she responded with, "Do Whatever" which is basically a "low" feeling response.

Now, what you have described of your marriage that was going on for a while, "We were basically just room mates". Well, "both" of you were not "feeling" each other AT ALL. That's not a marriage and you grew towards ignoring each other.

So, if you think about what hurt her even "more" was seeing you engaging with another woman and FEELING SOMETHING POSITIVE or giving that other woman something you don't give her. You know when I think about what I am telling you, I remember how my mother used to be jealous of the dog simply because my father gave the dog the loving attention that she wanted herself.

You know, you being away for nine months, and leaving her with "bad/hurt" feelings not only gave her time to stew, but, also gave her time without your presence around and to be with other people that helped her FEEL POSITIVE FEELINGS. She went out looking for people that "noticed" her presence and engaged her.

Actually, if you read eskielover's posts, that is the kind of marriage she experienced for 33 years. She was miserable and actually did everything she could to avoid her husband too. And now that she moved away and has her own space and has cultivated friends and has some POSITIVE experiences, she talks about feeling much "happier".

If you think about your marriage and all that has happened since, the two of you tend to walk away at every encounter with a "bad feeling".

This other man she preferred being with? Well, every time she spent time with him, she was left feeling something "positive". When he was in her presence he acknowledged her in a way "you don't" and haven't in a long time.

When I talked to you about "dating" and had some suggestions, the suggestions I had were making it a point to do things "with" her that can leave her with some "positive" feelings (not just flowers and cards either). You focus on her cheating and lying about this other guy, it really doesn't matter, the ONLY true truth and detail you really need to know is what she really was drawn to in that other man is "How he made her feel when she was with him".

So, what she has experienced while you were NOT around was "she spent time with other people that helped her have POSITIVE experiences".

The other part of this picture is your children. Being that they are only children they are very sensitive to the things taking place with their parents, that leave them "feeling" upset or bad. So while they got to see you and you read them a story, I wonder what they will remember about that night the most. That tends to be something so many parents forget to think about.

Here we are in this relationship forum, it's such a busy forum. But, what a lot of the challenges are is "I love him/her, but I am finding myself unhappy, HE/SHE always leaves me feeling.....and something negative".

One may forget exactly what someone says to them, but they NEVER forget how that other person makes them FEEL.

If, all the times you and your wife are in the same space with each other ends up with the two of you walking away feeling bad, then it's not surprising someone would say, "I want my own room". After all, if two people are sharing a space, at the very least one will need to have their own "space" to seek refuge when they are left feeling "bad". And, all that means in the end once again is "going back to just being room mates" too.

A lot of people "do their duty", but that's just a function. A lot of people have talked about "I wish he/she would just throw me a bone and leave me FEELING appreciated and positive".

Good points. I can see how words of affirmation would work. I'm still trying to figure out what her love language is so I can reconnect. It suck cause my love language is Physical touch. Maybe I will engage her in a topic besides our marriage. It just seem like every time I do, she is short and smart mouthed in her responses. Like when I was at her house last night, I asked if we could watch TV without arguing and she ended up starting an arguement. Well, she invited me over again tonight. Any tips for me?

To my ears, this is a provocative statement. It suggests that arguments are her fault and she needs to control herself.

After which she gets the blame for supposedly starting the argument that follows the provocative statement.

Yes. If you want to watch tv, simply say something like "Would you like to watch some TV?"

If you do go over tonight, "think" before you talk to her, don't bait her as Bill3 has pointed out.

Walk in and notice her, tell her she looks nice, ask her how nursing school is going, show interest in that.

My daughter liked this boy in High School, he would call her and one time she came to me and said, "mom, I don't know what to do, this guy doesn't talk". I had her make a list of things she could ask him ahead of time so that when he got quiet she had something to ask him. You know what? He NEVER forgot that and for years makes sure to call her on her birthday and be the first person (just after the stroke of midnight). He never forgot how she made him feel when she took the time to help him learn how to talk.

Now, if you ask her about how things are going with nursing school, if she says "what do you care" don't allow that to turn into an argument, head that off by saying, "I think it's awesome you are taking up nursing, that must be hard to learn, don't know if I could do that as good as you".

No ordering her is a rule, and do not say anything about not wanting to start and argument either, learn to steer away from that and move towards engaging in more positive ways. I miss your cooking, always thought you were a good cook, anything you can find to say that's a positive.

Thank you all for the tips. Wish me luck, I'll keep you posted

Remember, nothing negative and head it off to a positive direction, be cheerfull too.