Does your spouse monitor you because of your MI?

Taking him to a therapy session or psychiatric visit would be ideal as potentially being helpful. But you say doing so is difficult.

One suggestion is to investigate any EAP (Employee Assistance Plan) you/he may have. Most firms have this and fail to inform their staff. Do NOT confuse an EAP with employee insurance and benefit plans. An EAP is an informational service that finds confidential resources. Obtaining for you a free consultation with a therapist is an example.

If that is not an option, contact your local mental health association. They will have resources regarding available therapists including those that do pro bono work or charge on a sliding scale.

i advise you too to investigate what support groups are in your area. You may find one specifically for friends and loved ones with mental illness. even consider one pertaining to your illness. Many of them will welcome a support person (ie spouse) to an introductory meeting. Mine does and I find it to end up being beneficial to all of us having an opportunity to relate how our mental illness has impacted the lives of those who are in our lives.

Finally, and this is the difficulty, you need to consider whether or not your current situation is at all enriching. Is it over all a 'nourishing' relationship?

Yes, in an abusive way. Now I'm with someone who cares for me by observing and asking...not controlling.

My spouse has basically given up on me although he used to be my rock.
I've drained him in so many ways.

Now he's hands off, ignores me & doesn't ask anything.
I guess it's better, getting used to being alone around other humans.

Nope, no monitoring here whatsoever. But that is nothing new. it's been that way for 25 yrs.
I'm pretty much on my own in many ways. I believe it's called emotional neglect.
I can empathize with the op who is monitored. That would be difficult too.

I'm writing from a different perspective on this topic. My daughter made two attempts in 2016. My H and I have monitored her, and she has resented it, but it has been difficult for us to back off because of her ongoing deep depression (She is diagnosed MDD, Bipolar 2 and Anxiety Disorder). After her first attempt, slowly we reduced monitoring her, let her take her meds over, then came attempt 2. Again, high monitoring after her release. It has been harder for me to back off, but her depression does seem to be starting to let up, so I have backed off more.

I guess I'm just trying to get across the viewpoint of the caregiver. It is terrifying not knowing if someone you love more than life itself is going to attempt again. I can see where in some cases, as expressed here, that it's more about control than caring, but in my case, and I'm sure in others, it's about just wanting to know that the person you are caring for is OK.

For further clarification I have my own MH issues. I have CPTSD, Depression and Anxiety. The CPTSD and Anxiety have always been there, but the depression is new, and may be more of a situational depression.

Yes, she does... and I monitor her. We both have MI's. It's not done in a negative controlling manner. It's done out of care and concern. Sometimes when one gets over the line, the other of us will recognize it and intervene.

Thanks for everyone's replies, perspectives...

I really am having a hard time with this issue. Became convinced that my H was monitoring my every move last week. He "had it out" about it yesterday. Now I am unsure that the monitoring was what I imagined (PC, email accts, etc.). All this is happening while one of our children is about to make a huge mistake. I am reacting to the stress from the situation with self doubt, paranoia, etc. I am having a hard time and am complicating matters instead of helping.

My battle today is to make sure that I am living in "reality" and do what is right for my children's well being. It is really hard for me to be the kind of mother I need to be because I am indecisive and a bit mentally ill (MI) but I am trying.

You can do it, Hoping!

Thanks for your encouragement. One of my children advised--make decisions based on fact not emotions. Solid advice. I notice that when my MI gets bad, I am letting emotions carry me off into never Neverland. It turns out badly when you do impulsive things based on you emotions....

Two years of intense DBT 3 1/2 hours a week taught me how to make decisions with my WISE MIND which puts together thoughts from our logical mind & our emotional mind to make the best possible decisions. It has beenseveral years since I finished the group & the concepts have become a part of me now.

Might be worthwhile looking into this kind of T since itseems to be what yiu are struggling with most. Along with that is training in emotional regulation, distress tolerance, & interpersonal communication....all full of great skills that have really helped me

Still struggling. H was not there when my daughter said this yesterday. Went to grocery store with H shortly after writing this here. At the store he suggested I get my son something if it makes me feel better (groceries). Grabbed a couple of bags of figs and a jar of organic peanut butter. He was irritated that I grab the organic (my son's preference). I said, "OK, beggars can't be choosers and switched it out with cheaper, nonorganic. As that peanut butter went across the scanner, he said, "See, that's an example of a decision based on emotion." I immediately thought was he reading what I just wrote? I have been struggling with these thoughts all week. It is not good.

Yesterday, I asked if he was monitoring me on here. He said, "no, that he would never do something so sneaky." His proof was examples of how he has been very direct in the past and spoken up about things even when he did not benefit from it. It is true that he can be very direct and has spoken up about things even when the deck was stacked against him. Things like fraud, waste and abuse complaints, that kind of thing.....

I understand what you're saying.

My husband does not know I post here. If he did, I would have to edit my words carefully and I don't feel that it's therapeutic to do so. As it is, I have had posts taken down, not because of him, but because they are revealing.

IF I thought he did watch me here, I would figure out a way to become more anonymous or I would simply find another forum.

I would think if your husband was watching you, then he wouldn't tell you. Not that I think he's the sneaky type, but common sense says that if you knew, you would edit what you say also....So his information would be less.

Fortunately, you can be someone else, here. It is more difficult as you have to also talk about more obscure things and add in a few "borrowed" issues. But that's easy enough to do.

Hugs. PM any time.

I have told him generically that I post at the PC forum. That it's social. That I have friends here. Since I know you have read many of my posts (and vice versa), I bet you would agree that 90 percent of my posts are about me not anyone in my family. Sometimes I do overshare. It happens when I am emotional/impulsive. If he reads this then he just knows the truth about how I feel. The issue for me is: Would he tell me lies in order to manipulate/control me? Since last summer, 50 percent of the conversations with my T are about conversations H and I have. I would rather discuss this with a T but we can't afford it right now and it's really bothering me. PC is my free therapy. I do agree with you that he could be watching me and not telling me. I wish I hadn't told my kids about my current problem this weekend but they said, "He probably is."

I do not feel good about the fact that I involved our children in this situation this weekend. I think the fact that H and I are not "on the same page" has not helped them. It is an example of me doing the "wrong thing" when stress happens in my life.

Hopingtrying, I read through this entire thread and the impression I get of your husband is that he is very manipulative and controlling of you. He knows how to push your buttons, so he pushes them a lot. It's as if he needs you to be on edge around him, so that he can keep you in his control. Does that sound accurate? It's just the impression I get about your husband's character based on what you've written here.

No, your husband has no business monitoring anything that you're doing. 1. You are not a child. You are an adult. It is none of his business where you go online, to seek support. 2. There is such a thing as having boundaries in relationships. It doesn't sound like your husband and you have very clear boundaries, but are rather too enmeshed with your boundaries. 3. I didn't like reading how your husband tries to control you, with is remarks about not letting you buy your son's favorite organic food vs. commercial type. That is just plain controlling behavior. It comes across to me, like your husband doesn't respect you or the close relationship you have with your children, so he wants you to fear him, and choose him over them. I could be way off, because this is the internet.

I would just try to stand your ground, set clear boundaries with your husband by not being afraid to call him out on his controlling behavior. If you need another adult to mediate, seek marriage counseling so you have another witness to all the abuse your husband inflicts upon you (controlling behavior, verbal abuse, trying to keep you in a victim role).

If you have to take your meds to keep your husband calm, that is very disturbing to me because the meds are supposed to be for your benefit -- not his.

Anyway, good luck. I hope you can work things out. Your husband doesn't sound like he is a good marriage partner to you or a good father to his children based on what I've read in this thread.

My wife knows that I post here because she posts here herself. No conflicts!

We talked about this just today. When I missed church and said I really needed it today (to get my mind off our conflicts), he said, "If it helps you, it is OK if you go to church and post." This was said during the conversation this morning where he said he wasn't following my posts.

He really does try to keep me away from our kids. The thread is gone because they do not keep the depression threads as long as the Relationships threads but November 22, 2016, I posted a thread called, "What do you do when the person you love was the one that made you suicidal?" I changed my userid after that. I think I know that I really need to leave him but am afraid of the struggles I am going to face when I do. Plus, I still love him in many ways. I have a copy of some of the thread because I posted it to a program I use to print things to read to my T. Here it is:

And when your number one promise to yourself is to never get that way again or disrupt the lives of the people you love.
I am not suicidal but had a very intense conversation last night with my son (and in the past with my daughter) . They worry about me because of my attempt in April 2015 and because they feel like I will never truly be happy as long as I am with H. I love him but think that they are right that H controls us through fear and bullying. I want to make it clear that he has never hit us. We didn't believe in spanking our children ever. He loves me and I know I make him happy but he has controlled my life to the point of limiting many of the things I would like to do.
To complicate matters, one of the reasons my children are still at home and not meeting their potential is their concern for me. It is important for me to help my children move on and for them to no longer worry about me.
My son recently completed his enlistment paperwork and it will likely be final (still needs his physical, etc. right now) on November 28th. Of course I want him to be able to get on with his life. He has been talking to recruiters for months but before he was able to finalize the paperwork, he needed to discuss a lot of his hard feelings about growing up in our unjoyful household and his concern about my welfare. I think that boot camp may be less toxic than my home is! Yes, it is terrible, you really have to watch what you say and do around here sometimes. I worry that his childhood anxiety will always be with him. Many PC people understand that this is a rational fear.
I also feel like my daughter is not able to fully break away and get on with her life, due in part, to her worries about me. My attempt was a terrible shock and interruption for all the people who love me. H and I have made up and sometimes I really enjoy the time I spend with him but the truth is that if I challenge him about certain things, he does not back down or admit many of his faults. It causes me to have to keep part of my thoughts/some of the "real me" sort of buried. It is hard to be totally care free with him in the way that I am when I am only with my children or my sister, brother or dad.
When I made my attempt (1st week of April) last year, I was in ICU for a while and totally out of it. H has admitted that it was a very intense scene outside of my room at times (Problems between H verses my dad, brother and sister). When I was released from the hospital, my family (dad, brother, sister, uncle, aunt, cousins, son and daughter) all were concerned I was being abused and were encouraging me to leave H. I thought it best to make no decisions. I was in shock and pain; I couldn't even walk far or drive until June/July last year. I thought it best to make no decision at all. I was still very sick both physically and mentally. I was taking my days one hour at a time. Just trying to survive the pain and live through the boredom of my temporary self induced dependent, irrelevant state. While I was healing, H was very patient with me. As time went by, we talked more and I had feelings of love for him that reminded me of how I felt about him when we first met.
Back to the original question: What do you do when the person you love was the one that made you suicidal? Will I be able to remain stable when my children leave given the dynamic between H and I? I am in a relationship where H has all the control but I don't feel ready to leave what I have known for 29 years. Though there is delayed maintenance, I have a nice home in a nice neighborhood and live where it is not too cold. I am not financially independent. I care about H in many ways but he was the one who made me suicidal.

I am not feeling suicidal but this week, H said that if I leave him he predicts that I will kill myself within two years. Earlier this week, the scene between H and my son was just like the one that occurred the first time my children left. It made me think--if I stay with him (and the children have left), will that make my suicidal thoughts return? This is a life or death question for me.

(((Hopingtrying))) - I want to apologise because after reading your last few posts I don't think I have fully understood what your situation is.

I wrote that my H monitors me but in my case it's necessary, but he does not follow my posts/online life. I really would find that hard to take unless it was something we had agreed upon.

I understand a little more now about how things are for you.

To complicate matters, the kids are old enough to be on their own. Both H and my T believe it is time to pry them out of the nest. I understand this. H says I blame him for a situation that is my fault. Of course I have caused some problems. My T says, "I will only let you take responsibility for interupting their lives for one year" (my attempt).

That was a horrible thing for him to say. It was a manipulative thing for him to say (you know this....I'm not telling you stuff you don't know)

The question of whether a spouse looks at what we write...well, I know that I would be careful of what I say. Not out of any fear. Even if I thought I was being open, I think that sub-consciously I would edit...and that would make me dishonest to myself.

To be honest if I was alone I would go for it, too. But (and completely going by what you say here) I think you feel that he could force you over the edge...

Trial separation? By the way I am in the same boat as you as far as independence goes. I don't know what I would do. I do know that I would not stay with someone who abused me.

ETA, I understand about the kids...still going through it myself.

I think our son will be in the nest a while yet too. Maybe I'm fatalistic but I think that's just how it is for some young people, I have seen it with others too.

About what your T said, how do you feel about that, do you think that is reasonable?

I've been hesitant to really get into your conflict because mine is so similar, and I'm afraid we'll influence each other. But... I think your kids may be staying close to home because they nearly lost you and are maybe feeling protective toward you.

The peanut butter is a great example of the dysfunction. Why is he even tailing you in the grocery store and influencing your food purchases? How petty of him to not let your son have the brand he likes and guilt you into choosing the cheaper one!

If he's reading this: Choosy mothers choose DIVORCE, Buddy!

You are the victim in a cycle of abuse by your husband. That is very clear.

Well, since you already know that you should leave your abusive husband and the dysfunctional marriage that you're currently trapped in with him, then that is something you need to plan for. Fear is only perception, used by predators to trick their prey, especially by men who use fear as a manipulative tool to control their fearful wives.

Do not worry about how your children will react when you leave their father. They will either understand and support you and reject him, or not. That is not your concern. They are grown adults. In fact, do not forewarn the children that you plan to leaven their father, because they will likely tell your husband since they are old enough to be living in apartments with roommates. They have lived with this abusive parenting, abusive home environment for their entire lives. Watching their mother leave their *** of a father will probably be a sense of relief for the children. Change is hard and scary, because it is different. But change isn't always bad.

Set up a plan for yourself. There are womens' shelters in every city, in every state that accommodate circumstances like yours. Contact those shelters, find out what their bed space availability is. As far as finances and food/gas coverage, you can also apply for food EBT/SNAP and your social worker can provide you with $20 gas cards on a weekly basis.

So you see, there are a plethora of resources available to help women in your situation who are being abused by their husbands; regardless of whether that abuse is physical, verbal, or psychological.

Although your husband only verbally abuses you now, there is always the possibility that verbal abuse from him will escalate to physical abuse. Leaving him is a real possibility for you, because there are resources available to you, that will help you navigate your life away from your abusive husband. His threats are veils. He knows that his threats are why you stay. But someday, he may carry out his threats. Do you really want to stay to find out when that day comes?

Inner strength exists within us all. If you choose to tap into your own, you will be surprised at how easy it will be to leave your husband despite the threats he makes to keep you around, in a perpetual state of victimhood. Once you tap into your inner strength, he will no longer have any kind of hold on you. And that is his greatest fear. That you won't be around for him to victimize and manipulate. But you deserve better. Only you can make that life course alteration.