Does your spouse monitor you because of your MI?

Perhaps I earned this. To start the discussion, this morning my spouse said he noticed I am spending a lot of time on PC and being distracted by it. He is monitoring me because he feels like I have mental health issues that are never going to go away. That they were there when we married. (I do not deny any of this) On Sunday, he was concerned that I needed to phone someone at church, that it would be highly concerning to him if I let church become to consuming; that after all he has been through (I attempted nearly 2 years ago)--he just can't take that. He has told me that he feels like he can only take a remote job (the kind where you can work from home) because he is worried about me. I should probably be taking this to my T, rather than talking about it here but we are on a fixed budget this year so I am using PC as my therapy.
Does anyone else with a mental health condition at PC get told similiar things by their spouses?

When I was in a relationship I definitely experienced this. It was worse in the immediate months following my first attempt. It became too overbearing for me, I needed him and everyone else to take a step back to give me a chance to actually live. It settled down but that worry never went away for him. And he did always check up on me, even if I thought I was doing ok and didn't need it.

How do you feel about him doing this though? Is it something you can live with? Would you prefer him to take a step back maybe?

I was aggravated by his behavior but felt like if I complained he would turn everything I said around--ie find things I say just prove how crazy I am. So while in this state of mind, I said nothing but an hour later rerouted one of my payments (going to me--it is not his earnings) to my personal account rather than our joint account. I am sure I will change the payment back to going to our joint account again next month. I feel like he has total power over my life sometimes and, to me, having my own money is a sort of power. Until my attempt, I have always tried to work because I just needed to for the sake of my self-esteem....

Perhaps my reaction itself is proof that I am not 100 percent OK. After my attempt, I tried to be more open with him but seem to be reverting back to my old self--ie a wife who keeps secrets from her husband. <<sigh>>

Perhaps when things calm down a bit you could explain to him how it makes you feel. Even though you know he is worried about you, you need some breathing room. I used to feel like my bf at the time had complete power over me too and it was miserable. We had quite a lot of arguments because of it but eventually we managed to come to an agreement where I could get my space and freedom back. I might as well have been locked in the hospital the way he was carrying on.

Also, if he was more relaxed about stuff maybe you would feel less inclined to keep secrets from him. I don't know if it's the same for you but I am stubborn and kind of rebellious. If someone tells me I can't do something it makes me want to do it even more. But then I'd be secretive about it so I wouldn't get caught out. So if I have more freedom I'm actually more likely to behave better and not do those negative things because no one has told me not to. Don't know if that makes sense...

Neither my h or I monitor each other.

We ask each other how was our day. I assume we both are truthful.

I see nothing wrong with you having some of your own money in a separate account. If he ever went to divorce you, you would have a cushion.

Honestly, I regret being as honest as I have been with my h. I didn't have to tell him about my past, or about talking with every ex bf. I was stupid to even say it.

It didn't help us. I'm so messed up.

<<Hugs>> I think both of us ask ourselves a lot "What is wrong with me?" I just starting asking seriously after my attempt. I don't know when you started (possibly when you joined PC?) That question bothers me a lot sometimes. Maybe the question becomes counterproductive at some point. We both understand a lot more. Now can we both just get on with our lives? I hope we can.

Concerning honesty, I think my relationship with my mom taught me that it could definitely backfire on me sometimes. Sometimes asking meant suffering a reaction I didn't welcome. I think she also subtly taught that in some situations it is more important to be ladylike and indirect verses honest and direct. I can't help but think of the Jack Nickolson quote, "You can't handle the truth." And bosses that want to do things their way regardless of all the problems it causes--selfish bosses do not want to hear the truth. When my H talked to me about his concerns this morning, he was sort of upset. Frankly, many of my instincts about hiding stuff are for the best. I bet I would be on more medications than I want to be if I told every psychologist everything!

My husband does from time to time, usually if I'm feeling really depressed.

I started questioning what is wrong with me when I became unable to connect and function with my h, which made me very depressed and withdrawn.

All my life, any other differences and eccentricities did not prevent me from whatever made me happy, so did not bother me.

Still, I am not going to take more drugs just to succumb to behavior that I can't do because it triggers me. I am going to listen to myself, trust myself, and get away from that which I can't stand.

I am taking an AD, though.

How bad can the secrets you keep possibly be? A squirrel is smart to hide his nuts.

This struck a chord with me. I'm going through some stuff at work which is not yet resolved and it's triggering my anxiety - not good.

H said to me last night something along the lines of I mustn't let myself go down that road again, he and our son need me to be well. I thought it was fair enough, and could see why he was concerned. If my anxiety gets bad then it will affect my ability to function both at work and at home.

I did feel... a little ashamed I guess. I have always felt I am a bit of a bad deal for him, and I wish I was a stronger person for them both. Him saying this brought it back home to me that I do need monitoring, and in the past I have let them down with my fragile MH. Ashamed is the right word I think.

He also told me if work messes me around anymore he thinks I should quit. Not something I want to do. Like you I need my independence - my wages go into my account and btw I think it's reasonable for your money to go into your account. I understand where my H is coming from however, I had a pretty bad bump when I ended up leaving my previous job.

So yes, in answer to your question, my H monitors me, but in my case I feel he has good reason.

As far as taking drugs go--I actually stopped and started 3X (maybe 4) last year. I would say to myself--this stuff changes my personality. It does and I feel emotions more intensely when I am not taking medications. During Thanksgiving I was taking nearly nothing and was getting very upset. So on December 14th, I said, I need to go back on them, at least to get through X-mas and New Years. I was so calm that I have been taking them ever since. The thing is though: EVERYTIME I went back on my medications was because either H made me upset or I made him upset--ie he would act worried about my behavior, just like he did this morning and I would reach for my meds to become calmer just for him! If I was off my meds today, I bet I would be assuming that no meds caused the problem. Is my problem me or him? Sometimes I wonder about that one! I survived without any medications at all until 2011, when I was 48 years old. I told the psychologist my job is stressful (and it was) but what I didn't tell the doc was how angry my children and I were about H. And of course I was feeling anger toward him the moment I attempted. <<sigh>>

I have not been feeling angry toward him but could it be that I just lie to myself and let the drugs just cover up my feelings about how the relationship really makes me feel? <<overused sigh>>

Prefab--My H feels the same way about me going to work. I made an attempt. I am more messed up than my H but I have a hard time accepting it. I think I will never completely understand why I could do something so extreme. Despite being careful about not ever telling psych docs to much, I have been diagnosed as having a mood disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and major depressive disorder. Can it ever go away completely (I am definitely not depressed but maybe anxious as I write this). I was not anxious in the least bit in my youth. What happened to us?

I don't know whether it's realistic to hope for it go away completely, my perspective is always to keep it at bay, some days I do better than others. For me I have kind of got to the situation that this is me, it's how I am, I don't think I'll ever be completely anxiety free.

Of course we are all different, and your path will be different to mine. For instance I had struggles as a youngster (ED) so it's been on and off my adulthood.

It sounds like with you it may have been much more recent, maybe it was an extremely stressful period that you are still dealing with the reaction to now.

Stay well

My wife tried to monitor me but now we're divorced.

Showing concern is one thing, control is another. Just how long though are you spending time on PC for. If the shoes were on the other feet would you have a concern?

Yesterday, I spent way to much time here because I was monitoring this thread and it rained nearly all day. I didn't stay at my desk all day, just looked in on the thread periodically much of the day. Occassionally, I waste to much time here but I do not watch much TV.

When H is not working the time he spends watching TV/playing video games is similiar to the time I spend on here. I am not concerned about it at all--he is about to turn 60 years old! He seemed didn't seem concerned about me the rest of the day and I was here a lot. It felt like he was anxious about me yesterday morning and just needed to get it off his chest. As far as how controlling he is, there is just one area of concern for me. He has ocassionally given me "ultimatums" about things. And rather than having it out with him, I kept it from him. For example, when our children were not home and struggling financially, he said firmly not to help them in anyway. He was hoping their lives would get so pitiful that they would come crawling back home and play by his rules. I just couldn't stand seeing the condition they were living in and would occassionally buy groceries for them and give my daughter money. He kept saying, "you betting not be helping them," but I did it regularly behind his back. Perhaps the real problem is that I don't stand up for myself in order to avoid conflict.

Mostly though, I just come here because usually I am the only one in my home that wakes up between 1:00 and 4:00 AM and this is something quiet I can do. H says when I work in the kitchen, the noise wakes him up. For me, the real test concerning "do I have a problem" will be do I stay away from it when I start working next month? It is a job I do from my home and I have a very flexible schedule but the pay isn't bad when I am focussed. Though even at that job, I cannot sign in until 8:00 AM, so I will come here when I wake up early.

I honestly don't think you were wrong helping your kids. I don't think it was fair of him to lay down the law. I would have done the same probably.

I didnt realize it until only a few years ago but ALL my attempts ( lost count over the last 13 years that I was trapped in my marriag) that it was actually my bad marriage relationship that was driving my attempts because in reality (i didnt even realize) I wanted out so bad & that was my only way out at the time. I didnt realize it until after my mom died & I sold her house & used the money to leave & move 2100 miles away. Life wasnt easy on my new little farm BUT that freedom then learning what I had been dealing with all those 33 years & feeling soooo good in my new place brought my reality to a sound understsnding of why I was continually attempting....& it wasnt to get his attemtion to try & make him change. I wanted out of the life I actually felt trapped in but didnt understand it at the time. Everyone just thought I was overreacting to the loss of my career...the career that I used as an escape from my marriage....& yes, my daughter was still at home & in high school but my desire to get OUT of the marriage was so strong nothing else mattered. Looking back, I felt no REAL emotional connection from either my mom or my H so it didnt matter. I now understand their lack of emotional connection....something else I only came to know & understand a few years ago also....I was living in such a dysfunctional messed up life after my computer engineering career ended....but I didnt understand because it was what I had lived around & hated all my life.

Shoot, I was willing to even let my anorexia that developed from the stress passively kill me.

Havent felt even a little desire to end my life since moving here & finding a happy life which has more than surrounded me now. Gave me interesting insight into my past that no T even helped me discover all those years though my pdoc wouldnt release me from the hospital several times to go back home with my H.

Things in life we dont even understand are going on at the time can cause usto feel our attempts are the LOGICAL solution & thing to do & most T's arent capable of getting us down to the depth it takes to sort out what the REAL cause actuslly is....its VERY COMPLEX.

I suffer from anxiety and PTSD. I have been with my spouse for over 20 years and married 19 and although I would say that he can be protective of me, I wouldn't say that he monitors me due to my mental health issues. He has been through the roller coaster ride that is PTSD with me and tries to help me live the healthiest and happiest life possible and I really appreciate it.

It could end up being good luck that I did this. Due to H and I's serious disagreement last night, he was threatening to leave. I don't think he means it but he did state, "You are a terrible partner," because we disagreed about the kids. He has always been controlling verses encouraging to them. He feels threatened and hurt that I don't see things totally his way. Sadly, the thought of him leaving does not make me that sad. What is wrong with me? It is so sad that I always feel like I have to choose between him and my kids, my family, etc. I have thought a lot about why I was initially attracted to him and some of the attraction was that we was controlling like my mother was. When I met him, I was doing impulsive things in my relationships with other bfs that I did not feel good about. His, my way or the highway approach towards me brought order into my life (I was "burning the candle at both ends"). Bottom line--we were drawn to each other because we both have mental issues. He doesn't see it that way. He sees it as I am the one with all the issues....Of course, I am the one with all the diagnoses, the one who was committed involuntary after my attempt, etc.

Bottom line concerning last night's argument: H says children do not respect him because of me. That they don't respect me either, are just using me. I don't think H respects any of us either. Respect is a two way street. At this point in our children's life, I cannot change how they feel about him. It might be an irreconcilable difference. As long as H blames me for this and the four of us can't feel the love--how can our marriage truly be happy?

It's tough when a couple disagree about childrearing issues, and it isn't always possible to compromise. How we parent seems often a reflection of how we were reared ourselves, and if we have very different upbringings it can be difficult to reconcile that there is in most cases no 'right or wrong' way to raise kids - just differences. Edit - Just read your other post and it seems in your case your attitude to parenting may have been the opposite to how you were raised, but my point still stands there is no right or wrong way in most cases (excepting abusive families) just different.

Your children are adults now and as such I don't think it's either helpful or appropriate to attribute blame on the other parent (as he seems to have done), unless you have been actively conspiring with them against him then it's not fair either.

What is 'respect' to your husband? Do you feel that your children don't respect him or do you feel it is more his expectations about 'respect' which are unrealistic?

We talked and talked early this morning exhausting but on the same page. Went to a relaxing lunch too.