Does your spouse monitor you because of your MI?

My dad was extremely controlling after my hospitalizations. And that just made me worse, because my problem was not feeling control in my life, and my PTSD and issues arise from him trying to control me as a child, and his manipulativeness, so it just made me worse that he was trying to control my life.

We no longer have any sort of relationship because of his controlling behavior.

Seesaw

Kudos to you Seesaw, for having the inner strength enough to recognize your father's abuse of you, and to estrange yourself from him in order to protect yourself and preserve the value of your life.

That is one of the hardest things we can do: leave people who we thought love and respect us.

Just yesterday, my cousin Facebook messaged me to tell me he thought my father was a great man, and wanted to share that with me. I messaged my cousin back that while I was glad for him, I was not the best person to wax nostalgic with about my dead father, who manipulated and verbally abused me when he was alive. He was a terrible, terrible father to me. Of course, my cousin used shame to try to make me feel bad, for setting up a boundary with him that he can't message me to reminisce with about my father. So, I told my cousin to stop contacting me. I would rather have rigid boundaries with toxic family members, then to have to accommodate my cousin so I can maintain some semblance of conformity or respectability with people I deep down despise for their abuse and lies.

When I was in high school, I went to see a therapist, and I was joined by my parents. When the therapist would ask me a question, instead of letting me respond my father would immediately speak over me in an attempt to control the situation.

I had told the therapist in my first session without my parents, examples of my father's abuse towards me (not towards my other siblings as far as I knew because neither of them every told me). So, when the therapist invited my parents to one of my sessions, he could see how overbearing and manipulative my father was, how enabling of him, and unsupportive of me that my mother was.

It's been a wake up call for me, as I have always been attracted to abusive, emotionally unavailable men whose personality traits are similar to my dead father's; highly intelligent, well-educated, very manipulative and controlling, and who use shame and fear as tools to try to control people they deem as weak and vulnerable. So, I haven't dated men in a number of years because I just don't want to subject myself to that anymore.

Whenever I sense someone is a controlling person, I will back away and avoid getting into any kind of relationship with that person for my own safety.

unless you had admin delete those old posts under your previous user id....they are still here. Posts are here of mine & others way back to when I started here in 2004....& there are many from before that still available even if outside our viewing RANGE...everything is archived unless requested to be deleted.

I can relate to that thread. No one had any idea , even me that the bad marriage I was in was the driving force behind ALL the suicide attempts I had. Amazing how all those feelings disappeared after I left him....that was when I realized the source of my problems....but he was a nice person....just impossible to live with with ASD when you cant communicate with someone & there is no emotional connection & no career to hide away in any longer....then realizing my dad had been exactly the same way....no wonder why I told the mental heakth providers that everything was normal.
Sometimes we need a long term distance to really see ourselves not in a reaction to what we hsve been around all our lives. Then we know what we are REALLY WORKING WITH.

Talked with H this morning, he said he read this thread this morning. I think I wanted him to. He said there are no bald faced lies but only the partial truths. That I am living in an alternate reality and he is not controlling and that I go into this alternate reality when I feel guilty about my actions. Also, when you tell people the partial truth you get the responses back that confirm the things you want to believe--a vicious cycle. Maybe he is right. Since this is the struggle in my mind, I actually directed my T to this thread on the phone recently. I will talk to her about this later this month.

I am the most timid, nonconfrontational person ever plus sometimes my H is not always good about listening to certain "complaints". Having gone through the extreme steps of taking a few measures towards divorce a week ago--I have never felt more stressed, paranoid and unhappy ever. I can't live without him. There was one positive thing, he listened to some things that I have needed talk to him about for years. I would be bored without him. He is sweet, funny and a great lover. I spilled our whole fight on PC, but perhaps it's better than doing something as crazy as making an attempt and landing in intensive care. Though I still have this feeling that he is monitoring what Hopingtrying says--so though I am not so easy to live with given all the impulsive things I do, "being monitored" is also not so great. So, as I said at the start of this thread, perhaps I deserve this or perhaps, now that we have cleared the air, we can be a bit more trusting? Since my attempt, I have tried, with varying levels of success, to be more open about things. Good marriages take a lot of trust even when you have been married for a very long time....

Well... I'm not giving you advice or judgment one way or another, just pointing out some faulty thinking: You CAN live without him and you would not be forever bored without him.

Maybe you can't financially support yourself without him, and you really want to stay with him. TBH

Of course you are right but after some soul searching, I have decided that I do want to be with him. A lot of things go into this but mostly I have been feeling happy when I am with him. There are no guaranties; I am trying to live in the present moment, not the past.

This is one of the reasons I'm turned off to relationships. I lived with my cousin for 1 1/2 years. It was a very controlling situation. They would not allow me to nap during the day or take a bath when they were home and I could not have a door on my bedroom. Their reasoning wasn't because I have MI but they wanted to make it clear that it was their house (even though I paid half their rent/utilities). Regardless of the intentions, having someone breathe down my neck just makes my symptoms WORSE.

This is a huge misconception about MI. If someone unsafe to the point that they need to be monitored, they belong in the hospital. Other than that if you are taking care of yourself (and your children, if you have any) then how much time you spend online is none of anyone else's business. I personally need my space in order to be well. As a matter of fact, when I moved from my cousin's I went to halfway house of sorts where I have my own private room. I feel WAY better here than I did there because I don't have to constantly worry about someone bursting in here, criticizing me for what I'm doing or over analyzing every damn thing I do. So what if I'm suffering from insomnia and haven't been to sleep yet? You pointing it out constantly and obsessing over it isn't going to change anything!

It's like if you had a physical disease and everyone kept bringing it up all the time and wouldn't let you be a person outside of your illness. Some things just aren't that big of a deal. If I'm not having dangerous thoughts towards myself or others, not hallucinating, feeding myself, staying clean and going to my appointments, leave me alone.

I am sorry that you had to deal with that for 1 and a half years.

Yes, obssessing over our mental states may make us worse. On the one hand, I think I need to come to PC less because I just want to fixate on my daily routine verses always examining what I am thinking. But on the other hand, without this forum, I feel isolated and I need some other points of view in my life. So thanks for your response, and I am glad your situation is improving.

NO, he should not be monitoring you nor should you accept this as normal or reasonable behavior. You are his SO not his patient, client, subordinate or any other kind of role that calls for him to exert control over you, period. Concern is one thing but not if it means sacrificing the respect of the person you are concerned for.

This part especially worries me, not about you... but your spouse:

This is him stepping, no leaping... way over the line of what is acceptable in a relationship. It is not him expressing concern for you - it is him expressing his own selfish desire to preserve himself. There is no concern for your well being here, it's about him worried about the stress it will cause HIM.

Not only that it's not about caring for you but controlling or having a say in how you prioritize your religious activity or devotion. I take it he's not a church goer or a believer, because no other faith led person would presume to know what is the amount of church or church activity you take part in. Don't let his ways with manipulating the words make you think this has anything to do with you.

I say draw the line at his monitoring you and kindly and gently as possible let him know he's going too far. you need to be firm in letting him know these attempts at manipulating you using the excuse of your well being are not welcome. Start gently and nicely and be more staunch in your stance as he resists. Thing is, this is giving him a chance to treat you with respect. If he doesn't honor your needs and wants, what does that say about how much he cares, really?

IMO I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing being 'monitored' as such - perhaps it all hinges on our definitions of monitoring and what is/isn't acceptable to us.

For instance the church thing - some people do become fixated with religion as part of their MI, and upping involvement may be a sign that their MH is a cause for concern. Note I am absolutely not saying this is the case with you Hopingtrying, but it was the case with me in the past so for my H me going to church often would be a red flag.

While I must admit I was concerned about your H reading this thread if that was okay with you then that is all that counts - and if it's got you two talking more honestly then I think that's got to be good. Hope that this thread has helped

The thread helped me this way, after seriously considering leaving--I know I just can't and I mean that mostly in a good way. So I doubt I will ever entertain that thought again. It was an attention getter though...

TBH, when H and my son exchanged words on March 6th, it really did trigger me. As I said in another thread, it was like a replay of some of the events that happened between the two of them about 4 years ago which contributed to my attempt 2 years ago. I think the parallels scared me. I don't want to be in that bad of a way ever again. It really did escalate in a crazy way but, yes, in my stressed out state and under threat of divorce, we did talk about things. I suppose he looked because I was not OK but the fact that he looked and was hiding it totally fueled my paranoia. Picture this, he keeps saying things that make me think he is looking (he was, he even called me Hopingtrying 3 days ago) while I am secretly taking steps toward divorce. My imagination was going mad--I was actually imagining us as Mr. and Mrs. Smith with me trying to damage him through divorce whilst he is gaslighting me about this thread and other things in order to make me crazy and all the while I was trying to cover it up by having great sex. Finally, I just cracked and couldn't hide it anymore. Maybe I am just a wee bit MI sometimes. Do you think?

What you describe - his reading this thread but not coming clean would have massively triggered me and I don't think MI comes into that, it's a trust issue. I'm not rushing to condemn him (there are worse things after all), it all depends on how it was dealt with afterwards, if you felt he explained or apologised for covering up.

I am so nonconfrontational that I did not directly ask if he is still looking at this thread. It doesn't seem like it because things aren't coming up in conversation (in the accidental way that was happening last week) from the information in my postings. After all, most of the things I post are just routine things like: "I am sorry you had to go through that...blah, blah, blah" Sometimes he comes across to me as the most immovable man ever and he definitely would look again if he thought I was acting weird in anyway. I guess I accepted the way he is a long time ago and I am a big marshmellow....
But perhaps you are making a good point--maybe it's not that I am MI, just that I need to talk things over instead of sneaking around and letting my imagination run wild.....

Thats TRUE with or without an MI....thats what it takes to have a GOOD marriage

So, last night I had trouble falling asleep and I slept until 7:30 AM--that is really late for me and I've had a slow start today. H said, "I am sorry that you didn't make it to church but you know the only reason that I don't mind when you don't go is that I like it when you are here with me." That melts my heart, he is controlling only because loves us and is determined to ensure bad things don't happen. I am lucky. He deserves so much better than the things I do to him and my attitude toward him sometimes....

I'm not in a relationship nor have I ever been in a serious enough relationship where I lived under the same roof as my partner, but I can imagine that if this ever happened to me, I would be right out the door.

I'm a very private person who has serious difficulties letting people get too close into my business. Yes, I have had relatives and even former friends try, but it never works out the way they want it. Not giving me my space is probably the fastest way to push me out of your life and possibly make me fly into a rage depending on how intrusive you are. After all, they say a cornered animal is the most dangerous, yes?

Personally, I find it oppressive. If people can't respect us because of our MI enough to give us some damn privacy, then they don't deserve us.

I am currently looking at it this way--his heart is in the right place. He really does rescue me all the time and I do have some issues; making an attempt did not help. I have been married to him for nearly 30 years and he has done so many things right that I forgive him for invading my privacy. We don't really have that many secrets anyways.....

Yes he does monitor me,but he would NEVER step inside my personal boundaries.
Like reading my journal or anywhere I post.
He makes sure I take my meds and go to my appointments.
He can also read me well enough to see when I am hitting the skids. At which point he only ever intervenes with kindness.
I realise I am very lucky in this respect. And I do appreciate it even if I don't seem to at the time.

Erebos,

I am glad you are so grounded in your relationship with your spouse concerning your MI. As I have said in some of my other threads--I have been fixated, confused about my MI issues since my attempt on April 5, 2015--so it has been a two year journey. I was disturbed about issues with our children. You said it so well in this thread: https://forums.psychcentral.com/divo...ver-learn.html when you said, "By the way is guilt just a default setting all parents have?" I think it is for some of us. The day I attempted, I was feeling very angry at my H but the biggest reason I was angry was that I was focussing on some of his shortcomings. I think it was less painful for me to blame some of our problems, especially in regards to our childrens shortcomings on him! And it was easier to be mad at him and attempt rather than feel the anxiety and guilt in regards to my insecurities about their futures. My attempt didn't help anyone anyone that day--instead I made things worse. I allowed the pain that had been festering about my children and had been causing problems between H and I to make me do that terrible thing. I told myself in another post, that I am going to stop talking about my attempt, that I should be over it after two years but the only problem is---I really am not!! But I do think that laying my feelings out here and getting feedback has helped make me less sick. I want to be a positive force for my H and my children and I can only do that if I can be honest to myself about what I feel and what I have done. No matter how terrible it has been.

One of the reasons I am struggling tonight because it is painful that one of my children just recently made a bad choice again (not in trouble with the law or that sort of thing)--just not taking advantage of another opportunity (really don't think I should be specific about anyone but myself here). So I am trying very hard to get on the same page with my H. Need to have a tough conversation, and that is on me because they are more willing to talk to me than H--which may be another problem I caused but am trying to improve.

I cannot sleep because of the situation that I need to talk to one of my children about and am determined to do so in the morning. I have figured out than when I stop trying to be the mother I need to be, I become depressed to the point of suicidal (I am not suicidal now at all, just anxious). Once you become a parent, your life has changed forever (some of it is for the good of course!) I know I am an overanxious parent because really, I am mostly blessed. My children are healthy, have never been in trouble with the law and are currently safe at home at this very moment. Things could be so much worse. There are mothers out there who have lost their children because of violence, war or health issues. My reaction to our family situation on April 5, 2015 and at times in this thread is proof positive that I have on going serious MIs. I want to be a stronger and more rational person in the future--this is my hope and goal.

Oh we did talk. I think one of the problems is that my children blame to many of their troubles on their father rather than looking within. Wonder where that dysfunctional coping mechanism came from? I am suffering from consequences that I helped create. Though the ball is definitely in their court--they are 22 and 24 years old!
It is a miracle that someone would want to be married to me for so long!

This post today https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...away%3B-can-an reminded me of how important friends are. My H may have been right about losing him would make me suicidal. It is depressing to not know the whereabouts of a few of my friends from my youth. He has been my best friend for 30 years--that kind of friendship could never be replaced. We married when I was 24 years old. Four months later we moved to the other side of the world (Okinawa, Japan)--where we would be cut off from all of our friends and famlies for the next four and a half years. On that island, we sailed (a hobie cat 16 and a traditional 21 foot sailboat), scuba dived, camped, traveled via military hops to other Pacific Rim countries, always lived off base and ate the local way. Back in the states, we had children and probably more jobs than we should have. When it comes to raising our children, we both always tried so hard--mistakes were made but we will never give up. So I have had more adventures with him than any other friend I have ever had. There are many more good things than bad in our relationship!!!

I always say to my H that I will fall to pieces when I lose him, I understand that incomparable and irreplacable bond of love and friendship within marriage that you describe. It's actually quite an unfair burden of me to put on him, he is significantly older and it's likely he will go first - he doesn't like to think of me falling to pieces without him (even though it'll probably be true).

It is in a way affirming to have and appreciate that bond, I am happy for you that you have that.

I don't know if it's relevent to you but in recent years I have nurtured and developed other friendships too, which gives H & I space and hopefully means it'll be less of a cliff drop for me when he's no longer here.

You are oh so sweet, sensitive and loyal---I admire that about you. We are both lucky to have what we have and realize it. I hope you have him for a very long time to come--maybe he will live well into his 90s. Even if he has any sort of health condition--sometimes determined people hang onto life and won't let go. I thinkly our will to live is a significantly affects when we go. <<hugs>>

For some of us, our MI is about getting hung up on stuff rather than moving on. I have decided that what tortures me the most is parental guilt. I won't rehash it all here but whether intentionally or not, I have a lot of angst when I think about the kind of mother I was and the overall atmosphere for my children growing up. Ironically, I probably looked like the perfect mother in many ways but my MI, anxiety, inconsistency, that kind of thing is nothing to brag about. I try to be a positive force but fear the damage is done. Sometimes the things I read at PC make it worse. It is not the posters--it is the result of my own actions. I expect to carry this guilt with me until the day I die....Are their any posters out there whole feel like a a parent was able to make amends in a way that is truly healing? Or perhaps if your family is dysfunctional then the best answer is to move on and never look back? I do believe that when you are an adult that sometimes there are not perfect choices and when we are forced to make hard choices (such as cutting off our parents, divorce, etc.), we have to figure out how to best move our lives forward rather than becoming stuck......