How to not be lonely while being alone

Hi all. I'm dealing with loneliness. I'm starting to think that maybe instead of looking for friends, I should learn to be happy while alone. For one, I'm in such an emotionally desperate situation that friendships can seriously hurt me way too much for me to actually attempt to be open with people. However, if I was comfortable being alone, rejection and hurt from others wouldn't be such a big deal.

Also, I got married, and thought I wouldn't have to feel lonely anymore. Or at least, I hoped so. It seems that's not the case. My husband admits that being around me is stressful sometimes, and I notice that he spends his free time without me. He gets annoyed with me a lot. It hurts a lot. I don't think he understands, and actually seems annoyed that I'm hurt in the first place. To be fair, it's because I've hurt him so much, and he is scared to get hurt with me again. It's because we fight a lot.

I had gotten used to having someone who often spent time with me and didn't feel as lonely, but now I'm going deep into that lonely feeling again.

I should mention that I've always never been able to connect with others. I only had a handful of friends throughout my life, and I can honestly say that I was never close with any of them. I'd talk to my best friend a lot, but I always kept her at arms length. She eventually found another best friend, and I was happy for her.

Connecting with others is painful and uncomfortable to me. My therapist says it's likely because I had such an unusual, harsh childhood, and that thought comforts me because it's a plausible explanation and validates me. But you can't change your childhood, so I'll probably be this way forever, which feels lonely.

I feel like a spirit alone on a planet most of the time. Speaking of which, it might be why I'm writing a book with a similar theme.

I got spoiled with having a husband who liked spending time with me for a while, now my mind is like a temperamental child at the thought of going out alone. It doesn't want to go back to it, but I need to. I need to enjoy being alone.

Can someone give me advice for how to enjoy being alone? I feel a hole in my heart when I see people together, especially groups of friends. I don't dislike or get envious of people for it, I just wish I was their friend/family member too. Although I understand that what I see in public is on the surface, I almost never have happy moments when I'm out and about with people I know.

I guess some of this is just to vent. Also, I feel better just knowing some people have heard what I have to say. Feels a little less lonely.

I am with you. I wish I had time to start a website devoted to these issues. I suspect I feel this way as well because of a harsh childhood. But only in that when most kids were being protected from jerks, I was exposed to them early. So when everyone else got used to these things at 40 or 50 and had already made friends, I saw them in my 20s. Now I am an expert in seeing them.

- seeing the desperate bordem in other's faces when I talk.
- seeing and remembering how when they spew about some silly thing, I listen, only to start talking about me and they jump up and leave.
- I see how people try to suck up to superiors to get breaks and special treatment.
- seeing how people just use me... as if they are mercenary, with zero intent of ever returning the favor.

Since early this year I have decided to go it alone by choice. I come here sometimes when I need a little human chat but mostly I am training myself NOT to knee jerk looking to others for anything. When I have a thought that I want to talk with someone about I realize... they won't listen anyway. So I write it in a journal or I just think about it in my head. Sometimes I pretend I am talking to a trusted friend in my head and they love what I had to say. I know that sounds sad but what is more sad, playing this game with yourself OR talking to another person who isn't listening and could care less.

I know exactly how you feel... I'm struggling with this feeling right now.

"I had gotten used to having someone who often spent time with me and didn't feel as lonely, but now I'm going deep into that lonely feeling again."

"I got spoiled with having a husband who liked spending time with me for a while, now my mind is like a temperamental child at the thought of going out alone. It doesn't want to go back to it, but I need to. I need to enjoy being alone."

I relate so much to these feelings right now. While mine are stemming from a changing friendship and not a marriage, I completely understand.

I was fine being alone before. But now, I've found that I can't be alone - I don't know how to cope. The things I used to do to past the time I still do... but now I'm constantly thinking about wanting to be texting my friend. But she's too busy anymore to really spend time with me.. so I spend most of my time after work with my phone clasped tightly in my hand just waiting desperately for even just one text to save me...

I wish I had any advice for you, but I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I need help for these emotions as well.

Emily - I respect your decision to go it alone. I'm an introvert and a loner who has suffered many traumas at the hands of other people. People view me as pleasant and friendly but I don't trust easily. I just wanted you to know there are good people out there (I call them diamonds in the rough). They may just be hard to find.

I care. You're not alone. Whenever you feel in need of human contact please feel free to pm me. Best wishes.

Breezy Day: how long have you been married? I got married at 20 and was married for 20 years. You can be in a relationship and be very lonely indeed. Is your therapist helping you with these issues? I believe that despite your childhood, you can have meaningful healing that allows you to connect with others in a satisfying way.

I don't have any advice. I like being alone. I force myself to be sociable and have made friends who I am very grateful for but it's hard. I'm here if you need to talk. You're not alone.

I suppose my question is "why"? Why bother if it is hard? At a certain time in the world friends were good because they improved your life. They were good things to have. But today, not finding that people understand what the word friend even means. Even some of my best "friends" are simply... 1/4th of what a friend should be.

I think society used to have hardly anyone around. If you read old literature you would see most people lived lives without anyone in the area and traveling wasn't an option. But today we have so many people around.. I think people have learned to be lame friends because they know there are hundreds of people they can look forward to. So they don't put any serious work into it. They have realized.. like vampires, they can take what they want and move on.

Of course, not all but it is the rare person who sees you as anything more than a disposable / single serving friend.

So until that changes I think sanity can be found but cutting back.. learning to be alone and, of course, if you find someone who is a true friend... be friending them but, hold the line. Only let people into you life that are good friends.

I see your point. It would be very easy for me to be a recluse and I don't think that's always a good thing so I've built social connections. Are they like my friends from childhood with deep, deep roots? No...but they have really supported me in my illness and I think overall the relationships are beneficial.

Do you have any pets at home, Breezy?

Have you ever read any self-help books about loneliness?

I'm sorry to hear that, 5chatzi . It does sound like you feel like I do. I hope it blows over, or you find a new friend. I hope, most of all, that you aren't hard on yourself and take things one step at a time.

It's what I'll do for now. I suppose I can be happy that I had a close relationship for a while. Who knows, maybe my husband will come around someday. Until then, though, I hope to find happiness alone, since I have before. I know I can do it, I just have to learn again. I think I started off incredibly lonely, but began to enjoy my freedom. But when my husband came into my life, I discarded that entirely and started all over.

Hello Jennifer. I've been married less than a year. I don't know if my marriage is bad or good. I can honestly believe it's my mental health that makes me lonely. My husband's a good guy, just would rather not hang around me. I have a feeling that if I was more cheerful and not hiding depression, there'd be a greater chance that he'd want to be around me. I feel a little abandoned, but he says he just needs more free time. So, I'll give it time.

I've asked my therapist about this, and he never talked about it in depth. I think that he thought it stemmed from me, and I got the impression that he thought that I will continue having difficulties making friends because of the way I am. Which does seem to be the case.

Hi wolfgaze. I have a dog. I hoped getting her would help with my loneliness. Strangely, she hasn't. I don't feel close to her like I did pet dogs in the past. It's very sad, since I've always loved dogs. She honestly doesn't seem to like me very much. But I'll keep trying.

I haven't read any self-help books about loneliness. I suppose it's because most advice about loneliness tends to hurt me more. Hearing about myself having fun by myself makes me sadder for some reason. I'll think about them, but I do think I can learn to be comfortably alone again. It's just harder when I have a husband around, which reminds me of how alone I am.

*I have not read all the posts in the entirety*

finding joy and peace when alone should be a priority for everyone IMO. let me elaborate.

Loneliness in every way comes from the feeling that someone cannot feel complete without others. it is a feeling that comes from not being able to accept that one is a whole person without others. It is not that one "wants" to have others in their life but that they feel on some level that something is really missing and they are not able to be fulfilled without anyone else, whether it be a friend, lover or anything in between. Loneliness is giving into this idea, therefore it places too much importance on others rather than ourselves.

Thing is being alone and content with that, will bring more fulfilling relationships anyway. When one is not in "need" of a friend the weight of the relationship is lifted and it is one of choice and therefore one that is much more enjoyable. When two independently strong people meet and become friends, it forms a stronger bond than two people that come together because they were lonely and in need of someone else (for all the reasons stated above) A friendship where two people hang out, love, and enjoy time together by choice is far stronger than one where they were drawn by need.

You are on the right track when you think you should find joy in your being alone. Only good can come from this endeavor.

I have to say I've had similar feelings in the past and I very much agree with S4nd, we should all learn to cope with being alone and enjoying our own company, being self reliant.

That said, it all depends on what exactly you mean when you talk about your husband leaving you alone - how often does he do this and for how long?

This of course assumes that learning not to be lonely while being alone will result in friends. But in my experience it is exactly the opposite. A lot of people see that you are ok without anyone and thus realize that you probably won't be tempted "trapped" by he promise of their friendship. So they find other people who will be controlled by their friendship.

You should never learn to be alone for the ulterior motive of getting friends because that just might not happen and probably won't.

Learning to be alone for its own sake can be a transformative experience. Remember we all come into this world alone and leave it that way. There will be times in this world when your husband isn't around or you are in a hospital bed and it sure will be easier on you if you have learned to be alone.

Yesterday I had an upsetting thing happen and there was no one around to talk to about it. So I just used it as an opportunity to learn to deal with it internally and made it a game not to say anything. It actually made things easier. I realized that repeating bad stories and NOT getting what you are looking for from others can be exhausting and frustrating.

How did people in the olden days make it? People lived alone and miles from anyone. They didn't have internet and bearly had a book. Yet they survived. I can't help but think we have gone too far the other way.

Hey Breezy... I'm trying to understand your feelings and circumstances more clearly...

Would you say that your 'loneliness' is more so rooted in the condition and experience of not having anyone in your life who truly understands you and who allows you to fully express and communicate what is present within you? In this context, a person can feel 'alone' in the sense that they are 'alone' with their thoughts & emotions (feelings) because no one else truly understands and acknowledges what that person is going through.

Now, there is also 'lonely' in the context of someone feeling totally isolated (physically, literally) from others and from meaningful contact/interactions with others. There is a natural human drive for experiencing 'connectedness' with others and when we experience prolonged isolation (either by our own doing or as a product of life circumstnaces), we can feel really cut off from that coveted 'connectedness', and this fuels our feelings of loneliness...

And I would say there is yet another context whereby our current and usual conscious state (state of being) could contain painful aspects/elements - and therefore the experience of being 'alone' tends to make us feel quite uncomfortable because we find that we have no one else to focus on and look upon but ourselves. No one to direct our perception towards other than our 'self'. Sometimes people feel they need to be surrounded by others in order to avoid ruminating on their own undesirable internal condition. This may alleviate ones hurting/suffering to a degree - but it won't address the true source of the ailment/affliction.

So if you wouldn't mind commenting some more about exactly what you feel you are experiencing - it may help me and others to respond in a more precise and appropriate manner.

And I just want to reiterate that how you find yourself feeling at this present time in your life experiece is NOT a permanent or fixed condition. It does not matter how long you have felt this way - I just want you to know that you are not 'stuck' feeling this way forever, and that you absolutely can experience uncovering and connecting with a deeper part of your 'self' that exists beyond and independent of the hurting that you've been experiencing up until this point. I do understand that what I've just communicated above may not feel truthful to you right now - but don't be surprised if somewhere down the road you find yourself discovering this for yourself, firsthand. Ultimately you are not these painful and challenging emotions that are present - you are just experiencing them. This is a very important distinction. The challenging feelings & mental thought-forms are like passing experiences - some just stay around longer than others... However truly your highest identity (sense of self) is not defined by the presence of these uncomfortable and undesirable mental/emotional states... There is a 'you' that exists above, beyond, and independent of them... They key is to begin uncovering and increasingly connecting with that transcendental aspect of 'you', and that is how you end up breaking free from your former condition and ultimately end up freeing (liberating) yourself...

Impossible and a terrible thing to force on someone who never asked for it!!!

Think about why they put prisoners in isolation.

Thanks so much, everyone.

s4ndm4n2006, I couldn't agree more with you.

prefabsprout, for how long he spends time with me, I'd say it varies. I remember when I used to do something he liked, he'd spend a lot of time with me. He seems to spend most time doing what he likes, and doesn't spend much time with me at all if he's not going to do something he likes to do. At least, that's how it seems.

Thanks, wolfgaze. I feel I'm lonely for both reasons. That I have no one to connect with, and that I miss being around people. Although, I also feel very anxious around people, so that last one is hard. You're right, though. I'll keep in mind that things do change.

Sorry I haven't written very much. I've read deeply over what you all said, but my energy is pretty low right now. I can't bring myself to write more.

I'm sorry to read your energy levels are low - hope you are finding a way to recharge, thanks for replying to us.

To be more specific, assuming you both have a weekend off from work, typically how much would you spend apart? I'm trying to get a picture of whether you are being left alone excessively or if it feels that way.

There's a reason I'm being so specific, because in my own case whereas I did fret when I was left alone my husband was actually leaving me alone a fair bit too - sometimes it can be a two way thing. Early days of marriage can be a time of readjustment for both and often it's a case of sitting down and listening to each others needs and expectations and compromising on that.

Do you talk to him honestly about your feelings? What are his reactions?

I definitely know that feeling, Breezy... There's no need for you to respond any more than you already have. Thanks though for responding to let us know that you acknowledged our replies to your thread...

Take care of yourself and be well!

prefabsprout, well, I have talked to him about it, and he has changed a lot from a long time ago, I'll admit. But there will still be days where he doesn't want to be around me too long. It seems to mostly be because he's working on some exciting thing alone, or getting work done. Sometimes he'll be playing games online with friends. I think I'll just have to get used to that. I don't want him to change who he is for me, either. As long as I know he still loves me, I won't be sad about it.

For time we spend together, we tend to be home a lot, but in separate rooms. He likes his own room and privacy, and I do as well, while we spend a large amount of time on our computers. I go outdoors more often, though, and like to take small trips pretty often. We talk over the internet sometimes throughout the day. When he leaves the room, I often come out to say hi and hug him for a while. Then he goes back into his room.

I used to be really sad about this, and felt much lonelier in the past, but I think I got much more used to it. I can't think at all if our relationship is normal because I have a lot of trouble figuring out if anything about me or what I experience is normal for some strange reason.

There were times I got very angry at him for leaving me alone so much, but he would get hurt, so I stopped getting angry about that. I don't like to hurt him, even if I'm angry at him.

He's completely happy spending his time in his room, and you know, who am I to judge? He's still being responsible and I think if that's where he's really happy, than I wouldn't want to force him to go out all the time. However, I have made it clear that I'd like us to do something fun together once and a while. He has more free time coming up, so I'll have to see if he has more time to spend with me, and I think he will.

I understand that no marriage is perfect, and I do believe my husband deeply loves me. He's just been a "computer" person all his life, since he was a kid, and spent his days indoors. I understand because I'm a computer person to some extent as well.

Breezy you sound like a really considerate wife striving to better understand your husband's needs - that has got to be good.

I am pleased that you are also making your own needs clear to him, but in a reasonable and kind way.

Marriage is so often about compromise on both sides, and you are both individuals and as such have different social needs, so that requires some thought as to how you can both meet your needs as well as each others. It can be a fine balancing act, but it's healthy to be a little different I think and being identical is not the answer, it's how we handle the differences that counts.

For me personally I did /do have a slightly higher social need than my husband and as a result I do socialise/do activities alone sometimes, in my case it has been very helpful. Simply being 'alone' when my husband needed his alone time did not work for me, not all the time anyway. Maybe working on some new activities/social involvements might be helpful for you too?