[Olive303]

My boyfriend and my family don't get along.

The relationship between them has been damaged. I want both of them in my life and I don't know how to fix things. He wants to be as far away from them as possible because they have meddled in our relationship and been controlling. I want everyone to get along and live close to each other.

Is it even possible to attempt to fix things? How do you begin to get the people you love to get along with each other?

[leejosepho]

If *you* believe your family has been meddling and controlling, talk with them about that all by yourself to see whether they can comprehend your complaint and are willing to refrain from that in the future...but no matter what, do not give in to moving away since that is just some meddling and control coming from the other side of the fence.

[Little Moons]

You can still have both of them in your life without them interacting with each other. Since your boyfriend doesn't wanna communicate with them anymore, there's unfortunately nothing to be done to help everyone get along. It's his choice whether he wants to interact with your family. I'm sorry that they're not getting along. If I had a partner, I'd want my partner and family to get along, too.

[All Is Revealed]

Originally Posted by Olive303

Is it even possible to attempt to fix things? How do you begin to get the people you love to get along with each other?

It's very possible to fix this situation. Your family needs to give you and your boyfriend space. Tell them you want to keep your relationship with him private. Tell your family they're crossing the line when it comes to your relationship.

Also, how often do you, your boyfriend, and family gather? Your boyfriend might feel that these family gatherings are too frequent. Maybe you guys should gather only once every 6 months? Or once a year? You guys can still all get along, but too many visits to your family can suffocate your boyfriend.

[eskielover]

Maybe the big question is WHY are your parents meddling? Do they see something about this guy that YOU refuse to see or are blinded to seeing? Does your family really habe yoyr best interest in mind & are trying to protect you from an abusive relationship that ypu just may NOT be getting yet? Or do your parents do this to every BF of yours?

Dont let JUST a BF drive you aeay from your parents. BF's are usually temporary or you may come to understand the issue your parents have with him. You havent volunteered this level of information to base any WISE comments on.

If this BF is really a good person & your parents are against him for a really illogical reason then I will say TIME. There is NOTHING YPU CAN DO. It is his responsibility to show them that he is NOT the kind of person that your patents ate not liking. It takes time to prove to anyone that they can in reality trust him & that what they thpught about him was in FACT wrong. It takes time for trust to grow & it will yake evidence on his part to prove them wrong which can only come in the form of them seeing behavkors that counter what they see bad in him that makes them want to meddle & protect you. If they didnt love you they wouldn't bother meddlying unless this is the way they are with everylne in your life.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Maybe the big question is WHY are your parents meddling? Do they see something about this guy that YOU refuse to see or are blinded to seeing? Does your family really habe yoyr best interest in mind & are trying to protect you from an abusive relationship that ypu just may NOT be getting yet? Or do your parents do this to every BF of yours?

Dont let JUST a BF drive you aeay from your parents. BF's are usually temporary or you may come to understand the issue your parents have with him. You havent volunteered this level of information to base any WISE comments on.

If this BF is really a good person & your parents are against him for a really illogical reason then I will say TIME. There is NOTHING YPU CAN DO. It is his responsibility to show them that he is NOT the kind of person that your patents ate not liking. It takes time to prove to anyone that they can in reality trust him & that what they thpught about him was in FACT wrong. It takes time for trust to grow & it will yake evidence on his part to prove them wrong which can only come in the form of them seeing behavkors that counter what they see bad in him that makes them want to meddle & protect you. If they didnt love you they wouldn't bother meddlying unless this is the way they are with everylne in your life.

I do think that my family has my best interest in mind. However, they have been known to be controlling in other areas of my life such as my career so I think they have poor boundaries to begin with.

For one, my sister and him don't get along because he sees her as selfish and manipulative and she sees him as stubborn and rigid. I think the biggest area where I went wrong is that early on in our relationship (we have been together for 4 years) I confided in my sister about issues I was having with my boyfriend. Also, I confided in my boyfriend with issues I was having with my sister because we went through a rough patch where we didn't get along. I have been prone to be very negative so only speaking about the negative aspects can give my boyfriend and my sister really bad impressions of each other. I think both parties really care about me and they are more similar than they think so they really butt heads. This was a mistake and I can't take it back. I only want to know how to fix their relationships to each other. My boyfriends biggest issue is with my sister but she is the one I am closest to in my family.

My mom doesn't like him because she came to visit us and he raised his voice at me in front of her. He has been known to get angry when he is under a lot of stress or pressure and them staying with us was really stressful for him. My mom and sister then gained up on him and asked me to break up with him and at the time I was so conflicted I didn't defend him. Later on I told my family that this was my choice and they let me know they respect it. However the damage has been done and he respects my relationship with my family. He just doesn't want to be close to my family or live in the same state as them and I do.

So to conclude my family respects my relationship with my boyfriend and my boyfriend respects my relationship with my family. However, he does not want to spent any time with them or live close to them and I do. Knowing all the facts is it even possible to mend this to the point where he would be willing to try living in the same state as them?

[seesaw]

Well geez, not wanting to live in the same state as them seems pretty dramatic to me. I would think just not being in the same house would be enough. I mean, he doesn't have to see them if he doesn't want to.

Here's the way I see it: if he loves you, he will respect that you want to be close to your family. You would also respect that it's hard for him to be around them because of how they've treated him, and you would allow him TIME to trust them again.

I think the only one who can answer whether or not he would be willing to live in the same state as them is him. You have to ask him that question and let him know how important it is to you. I'm not saying he's a bad guy. He could, in fact, be the best guy on the planet, but for some reason your family doesn't like him. And maybe your family is controlling and has poor boundaries, but it's still your family, and you still love them, and he needs to respect that.

I don't think there's a quick fix for this...things got off to a bad start. But it doesn't mean that with time and healing that they can't have a civil relationship where they can bear each other's company for an hour or two on holidays.

I hope they all come around to see the light for your sake.

Seesaw

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by All Is Revealed

It's very possible to fix this situation. Your family needs to give you and your boyfriend space. Tell them you want to keep your relationship with him private. Tell your family they're crossing the line when it comes to your relationship.

Also, how often do you, your boyfriend, and family gather? Your boyfriend might feel that these family gatherings are too frequent. Maybe you guys should gather only once every 6 months? Or once a year? You guys can still all get along, but too many visits to your family can suffocate your boyfriend.

I did tell them I need some boundaries and after that I have NOT spoken about family stuff with my boyfriend and boyfriend stuff with my family (only surface level stuff).

I moved to a new state to be with my boyfriend and I hate it. I miss my family and especially my friends and the state itself. I have been visiting my family alone for holidays and my boyfriend says he never wants to go with me. The problem is that I want to move back to my home state and he doesn't. Not just because of my family- thats only 3 people- but also all my close friends there and the place itself is amazing. He thinks if we're living in the same state as my family then they would get too close and tear us apart.

My perfect world would be living an hour or so away from my family and spending time with both parties separately and occasionally getting all together for holidays. He wants to be as far away as possible but I am so miserable in the new state I moved to.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Olive303

I did tell them I need some boundaries and after that I have NOT spoken about family stuff with my boyfriend and boyfriend stuff with my family (only surface level stuff).

I moved to a new state to be with my boyfriend and I hate it. I miss my family and especially my friends and the state itself. I have been visiting my family alone for holidays and my boyfriend says he never wants to go with me. The problem is that I want to move back to my home state and he doesn't. Not just because of my family- thats only 3 people- but also all my close friends there and the place itself is amazing. He thinks if we're living in the same state as my family then they would get too close and tear us apart.

My perfect world would be living an hour or so away from my family and spending time with both parties separately and occasionally getting all together for holidays. He wants to be as far away as possible but I am so miserable in the new state I moved to.

I really don't think you are being unreasonable with this desire. It sounds like your boyfriend is holding a grudge. I worry that you are doing something that makes you unhappy, just to please him. If he really loves you, he will want you to be happy and understand your desire to be closer to your family.

Seesaw

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I really don't think you are being unreasonable with this desire. It sounds like your boyfriend is holding a grudge. I worry that you are doing something that makes you unhappy, just to please him. If he really loves you, he will want you to be happy and understand your desire to be closer to your family.

Seesaw

I think he is too because he has had such negative experiences with them. The last time they saw him they treated him poorly and he hasn't had any direct interaction since then. I understand why he feels the way he does. I want the chance to at least try to mend it and I don't think he is willing at this point. He respects my relationship with them he just doesn't want us close to them. He understands my desire but he does not share the same desire and is essentially asking me to chose between staying in our relationship in a state I hate and have no friends in or move back home to a place with my friends and family.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Olive303

I think he is too because he has had such negative experiences with them. The last time they saw him they treated him poorly and he hasn't had any direct interaction since then. I understand why he feels the way he does. I want the chance to at least try to mend it and I don't think he is willing at this point. He respects my relationship with them he just doesn't want us close to them. He understands my desire but he does not share the same desire and is essentially asking me to chose between staying in our relationship in a state I hate and have no friends in or move back home to a place with my friends and family.

Ultimatums never go well in a relationship.

You have to do what feels right in your heart.

Seesaw

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Ultimatums never go well in a relationship.

You have to do what feels right in your heart.

Seesaw

Thanks for your responses, they have been helpful.

My heart is torn and already breaking. Either decision would break my heart. I know only I can decide but both decisions will leave me empty and resentful.

[eskielover]

His demand for living in another state because of your family is nothing but CONTROLLING.

I

Your being unhappy for someone who in not committing to you for anything more than a BF seems unreasonable to me. He could be a great guy but there is something seriously wrong with the way you are being controlled by him.

Nothing you are asking for is unreasonable....your BF On the other hand is totally unreasonable. Unless that state is the only place he can get a job but making the choice JUST BECAUSE he doesn't like your family.....not a good foundation for a real loving & caring relationship to grow from.

Maybe you two aren't as compatible as you are WISHING you were.....maybe his controlling you is tearing your relationship apart instead of building it up. When a relationship is all one sided that means there is controlling going on. Maybe the past problems you had with him had to do with controlling in other areas of life?

You are an adult now & you can set your boundaries & be strong with them in dealing with your family & your BF. Sounds like you may be so used to being controlled that it feels normal to you.

You say your parents were controlling about your career. In what way were they controlling? Were they paying for your education that led to your career choice? I wished I had educated & intelligent parents I could have trusted with career making guidance. I changed from a music major I got my AA in to an Accounting & Computer Science major/ minor as a junior. Took me 3 extra years to graduate with an awesome computer engineering career. My parents had absolutely no concept of college level careers & it sure would have been nice.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by seesaw

Well geez, not wanting to live in the same state as them seems pretty dramatic to me. I would think just not being in the same house would be enough. I mean, he doesn't have to see them if he doesn't want to.

Here's the way I see it: if he loves you, he will respect that you want to be close to your family. You would also respect that it's hard for him to be around them because of how they've treated him, and you would allow him TIME to trust them again.

I think the only one who can answer whether or not he would be willing to live in the same state as them is him. You have to ask him that question and let him know how important it is to you. I'm not saying he's a bad guy. He could, in fact, be the best guy on the planet, but for some reason your family doesn't like him. And maybe your family is controlling and has poor boundaries, but it's still your family, and you still love them, and he needs to respect that.

I don't think there's a quick fix for this...things got off to a bad start. But it doesn't mean that with time and healing that they can't have a civil relationship where they can bear each other's company for an hour or two on holidays.

I hope they all come around to see the light for your sake.

Seesaw

It is a tough thing for me to hear him making a hard boundary like that. He said he would NEVER want to live in the same state as them. I have offered to live in different cities one or two hours away and even that is too close for him. Even if I live nearby I don't expect him to spend much time with my family. I am perfectly okay spending time with them separately.

He respects my relationship with them but he doesn't want to live close to them. He said that he would rather break up than live near them because he believes they meddle so much that it would lead to a break up anyway. The last time they saw him they meddled and it was the closest we ever got to a break up in our 4 years of dating. I am willing to give him time to build the trust but I need my family to respect him through their actions and I need him to be WILLING to try.

With both sides being so stubborn I have no idea how to move forward.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by eskielover

His demand for living in another state because of your family is nothing but CONTROLLING.

I

Your being unhappy for someone who in not committing to you for anything more than a BF seems unreasonable to me. He could be a great guy but there is something seriously wrong with the way you are being controlled by him.

Nothing you are asking for is unreasonable....your BF On the other hand is totally unreasonable. Unless that state is the only place he can get a job but making the choice JUST BECAUSE he doesn't like your family.....not a good foundation for a real loving & caring relationship to grow from.

Maybe you two aren't as compatible as you are WISHING you were.....maybe his controlling you is tearing your relationship apart instead of building it up. When a relationship is all one sided that means there is controlling going on. Maybe the past problems you had with him had to do with controlling in other areas of life?

You are an adult now & you can set your boundaries & be strong with them in dealing with your family & your BF. Sounds like you may be so used to being controlled that it feels normal to you.

You say your parents were controlling about your career. In what way were they controlling? Were they paying for your education that led to your career choice? I wished I had educated & intelligent parents I could have trusted with career making guidance. I changed from a music major I got my AA in to an Accounting & Computer Science major/ minor as a junior. Took me 3 extra years to graduate with an awesome computer engineering career. My parents had absolutely no concept of college level careers & it sure would have been nice.

Is it controlling when it is in response to the poor way my family has treated him? I agree that its stubborn to say with absolute certainty he wouldn't live in my home state because of my family but I also see where he's coming from. He tried so hard to be friendly towards them- driving them around, cooking for them, but they treat him like he's not good enough and they tell me to break up with him.

We are having these conversations now because we are talking about marriage and kids and I want to make sure I know where it's going before I commit forever.

Overall I don't see him as a controlling person- he has never had issues with any of my friends, he is totally supportive of my career goals and is even willing to do long distance for me to accomplish them. He isn't even jealous of other guys in my life. He only has issues with my family.

I agree that the people closest to me have always been strong personalities who have strong opinions and it affects me because I value those opinions.

As far as my family being controlling of my career it's because they have told me what major to have in college, what career to pursue, how to spend my money, and where to live. They tell me what they believe is right but they also tell me that they know at the end of the day I will do whats right for me. They have also had issues with people i've been friends with in the past. All these things considered I know I am my own person and I wish I wasn't as affected by their opinions as I am but I am.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Olive303

We are having these conversations now because we are talking about marriage and [children]...

Children need grandparents and family ties, not grudge-born isolation.

[eskielover]

Is it controlling when it is in response to the poor way my family has treated him?

yes, people can be controlling in just one area of life. That is way more than JUST being stubborn. FORCING you to chose between him in another state & your family just because the poor way your family treated him is selfish & it shows that he cares more about himself than you or he would be willing to compromise.

So at this point in time it's this....what will come up in the future that he will not be willing to compromise over. Marriage is all about compromise, not selfish stubbornness/control. I can see going out of state because job demands take someone there & there is no quality job closer then compromise to go to that other state is understandable but the other state JUST BECAUSE of your parents is totally unreasonable. If you are this miserable now about where you are living it will only get worse with time not better especially if you hate the state to begin with.

You are the one being forced to do ALL the giving up. Is that reallybthebkind of marriage you want? There can be DEAL BREAKERS in relationships no matter how much you may care for someone. You have to look at your happiness & weigh out all the positives & negatives & in the end...it is your choice you have to live with so it is really wise to KNOW YOURSELF.

Bottom line is that you can't make anyone be at peace with each other & actually your BF's choice is feeding the lack of peace & creating more tension between him & your family because he is unwilling to compromise & is taking a controlling stand.....driving an even bigger wedge between them.

[Sunflower123]

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I wish you well in resolving it. It’s unfortunate that your BF felt it was necessary to move to a different state and that both sides can’t compromise or bend just a little. What does your BF say when you ask about moving an hour away (which sounds like a good compromise on both sides)?

[ReptileInYourHead]

Hey olive, I feel your pain. I went through a very similar situation. My marriage nearly dissolved and my parents left the country. I felt like I was stuck in the middle, crippled by inaction, fearful that any action I took would result in further drama.
Now I’m picking up the pieces and trying to make sense of what and why it happened.
My only advice, make sure that your family and your bf know exactly how this is affecting you and the consequences that will arise from their behaviour.
I failed to do that properly.
And don’t accept ultimatums, unless you truly think one party is definitely trying to harm your well being/marriage/family.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by eskielover

yes, people can be controlling in just one area of life. That is way more than JUST being stubborn. FORCING you to chose between him in another state & your family just because the poor way your family treated him is selfish & it shows that he cares more about himself than you or he would be willing to compromise.

So at this point in time it's this....what will come up in the future that he will not be willing to compromise over. Marriage is all about compromise, not selfish stubbornness/control. I can see going out of state because job demands take someone there & there is no quality job closer then compromise to go to that other state is understandable but the other state JUST BECAUSE of your parents is totally unreasonable. If you are this miserable now about where you are living it will only get worse with time not better especially if you hate the state to begin with.

You are the one being forced to do ALL the giving up. Is that reallybthebkind of marriage you want? There can be DEAL BREAKERS in relationships no matter how much you may care for someone. You have to look at your happiness & weigh out all the positives & negatives & in the end...it is your choice you have to live with so it is really wise to KNOW YOURSELF.

Bottom line is that you can't make anyone be at peace with each other & actually your BF's choice is feeding the lack of peace & creating more tension between him & your family because he is unwilling to compromise & is taking a controlling stand.....driving an even bigger wedge between them.

I see what you mean. It has nothing to do with a job- my home state has the same job opportunities as our current state. We met in my home state and he applied for his doctorate but was waitlisted from the only program in my home state. Therefore he had to go to his backup in another state and I followed along. I left my job, family, and friends with the hopes of returning home eventually. I guess I thought if I was willing to give this all up today he would be willing to give something up later on. I don't want to lose him and he is there for me and very loving and supportive in every other aspect of my life.

I just know I'm not happy in my new environment, I am SO BORED AND LONLEY. I have a really hard time making friends in general and I have a few very close friends in my home state that I wanted to have in my life forever. I have known some of them since childhood and you can never replace that. In my new state I haven't made a single true friend in the 8 months I've been there. Sure, we hang out with his friends, or I talk to co-workers but I haven't connected with anyone and thats been so hard. So its more than just my family thats in my home state. I also know that if we do break up I will always be resentful of my family for treating him poorly and driving him away. I don't want to be with anyone else and I believe love is rare, especially for someone like me who has a hard time connecting.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I wish you well in resolving it. It’s unfortunate that your BF felt it was necessary to move to a different state and that both sides can’t compromise or bend just a little. What does your BF say when you ask about moving an hour away (which sounds like a good compromise on both sides)?

Well we had to move for his education. The school he applied for in our home state ended up putting him on the waitlist and it was the only program in the state. Therefore he had to go to his backup in another state and we both agreed to move there. However, I thought we would move back when he finished his doctorate but now he never wants to go back.

When I bring up moving an hour away he makes excuses- they have bad job opportunities, they're expensive, its still too close to my family. The city we lived at before we moved was an hour and a half away from my family and I know for a fact he likes it more than where we live now but he wouldn't live there because its too close to my family (plus they really have a poor job market). I am frustrated by his stubbornness. His philosophy is- we tried living by your family once and it went horribly so why try again.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by ReptileInYourHead

Hey olive, I feel your pain. I went through a very similar situation. My marriage nearly dissolved and my parents left the country. I felt like I was stuck in the middle, crippled by inaction, fearful that any action I took would result in further drama.
Now I’m picking up the pieces and trying to make sense of what and why it happened.
My only advice, make sure that your family and your bf know exactly how this is affecting you and the consequences that will arise from their behaviour.
I failed to do that properly.
And don’t accept ultimatums, unless you truly think one party is definitely trying to harm your well being/marriage/family.

I am sorry you are going through that.

I know what you mean by "crippled by inaction". I think when we are between a rock and a hard place its hard to know what to do so we do nothing, which is actually doing something.

This is eating away at me every day and I think no matter which road I take it will always eat away at me. That's why I am trying to fix things so I can take the road that would make me happiest, which is not an option at the moment. I am just hoping its possible. My boyfriend knows it is affecting me and he has put all blame on my family for mistreating him.

[eskielover]

What would he do if you put your foot down & said I'm moving back to my state with or without you? Would he finally be forced to compromise IF HE TRULY LOVES YOU & doesn't sant to lose you.

He knows right now your total inaction is getting him exactly what HE WANTS & is refusing to care about you. That is NOT YOUR PARENTS FAULT that is thinking he has put into his own mind about not being able to stay away from them in your state.

Honestly if you chose to have a family, I will feel sorry for your kids. A mother who hates where she is doesn't make for any good family life. Kids wondering why dad never comes to visit grandparents & honestly will not be able to hide his feelings from the kids. They are smart & aware.

You need to look at the big picture. What will be the consequences of all these choices & behaviors in the long run? Will it really be the happy marriage & family life you REALLY WANT. Sonetimes we can love someone but in reality they arent compatible with our needs. A marriage will fail if only one side is the willing one to compromise. Bad feelings will grow over time. IF he really loves you he would see just how miserable you are in this place & would let go of his SELFISH PRIDE & compromise BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU.

[Olive303]

Originally Posted by eskielover

What would he do if you put your foot down & said I'm moving back to my state with or without you? Would he finally be forced to compromise IF HE TRULY LOVES YOU & doesn't sant to lose you.

He knows right now your total inaction is getting him exactly what HE WANTS & is refusing to care about you. That is NOT YOUR PARENTS FAULT that is thinking he has put into his own mind about not being able to stay away from them in your state.

Honestly if you chose to have a family, I will feel sorry for your kids. A mother who hates where she is doesn't make for any good family life. Kids wondering why dad never comes to visit grandparents & honestly will not be able to hide his feelings from the kids. They are smart & aware.

You need to look at the big picture. What will be the consequences of all these choices & behaviors in the long run? Will it really be the happy marriage & family life you REALLY WANT. Sonetimes we can love someone but in reality they arent compatible with our needs. A marriage will fail if only one side is the willing one to compromise. Bad feelings will grow over time. IF he really loves you he would see just how miserable you are in this place & would let go of his SELFISH PRIDE & compromise BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU.

He told me that if I want to move back home permanently then it would be the end of our relationship. It hurts me that he is willing to lose me over this and not even give it a chance. He said why bother trying to live near them when the last time we did that we almost broke up.

Right now I am staying in this state because we agreed to be here while he was doing his schooling here. But after he is done I wanted to move back.

I also worry about kids. I want to have a family that is close, especially since I have a VERY small family. I want my parents to help me with my children- I know they would be more than happy to watch them while I am at work for example. I want my sisters kids and my kids to grow up together. I want my kids to grow up with my best friends kids. Settling down here means I wont have any of that.

On the other hand I love this person and I want to build all of this with him. I don't want to be with anyone else and even if we do break up maybe I'll never fall in love with someone who wants what I want. Then I wouldn't have him or the family I always wanted.

[Raindropvampire]

Have you made clear to him that you will/have established boundaries with your family? Are you willing to have his back if your family creates conflict again? Maybe making those things clear to him might assuage his fears about moving back to your home state.