Nice words-help me to find some please?

I've posted about how a friend of mine broke off contact with me a while ago .The circumstances were very hurtful and followed what I found to be months of lies and hurtful behaviour.She has mental health issues.I was very surprised when,just now,I received a birthday card as this seemed at odds with what I had taken to be a final breaking of contact-certainly,I had not attempted to contact her since-as much as anything,to protect myself from more hurt.Maybe the birthday card means nothing at all,maybe it's her way of trying to make herself feel better,I don't know.Anyway,I decided I wanted to just send her some nice "friendship" words-maybe saying I was hurt but would give things another go or along those lines/to encourage her to contact me more(but put more nicely than that!).Anyone know of any nice words /sayings/poems which would fit this situation?-I'm finding it hard to think what to say.

On the other hand,should I just carry on doing what I've been doing-ie nothing,and leave it up to her to do more if that's what she wants?

I would merely contact her and thank her for the card and let her know it "surprised" you :-) If you still want to be friends, I think you have to bury any "complaints" about her behavior unless she brings them up. Contacting someone to tell them how they hurt you isn't going to make them want to stay in contact?

Try not to fall into previous feelings and thoughts with her now. Take the card at face value: a birthday wish. She may have changed her ways, you can't know. It's up to you to decide if you are able to give her another chance. It might become a good friendship.

What to say? Thank her for remembering you, and how you often wondered if she did, and if she is willing to try and rekindle the friendship... Short and sweet?

Good wishes.

No,but I neeed to find a way of letting her know that her past behaviour isn't acceptable,and that me contacting her doesn't mean that it is.I need (for my own protection from further hurt),to get that across as well as being positive about giving things another go.

Hi Impala...I definitely agree, it is important for you to let her know that her past behavior is not acceptable. It will be hard to do that without brining it all back up. Also, in some ways I might be inclined to start over with a fresh slate, but make sure I set good firm boundaries. Not let the bad behavior become part of the friendship. That would be hard. I don’t know, sounds like you are in a tough spot. I am not sure what I would do or how I would handle it. I admire you for not wanting to give up on a friendship. You sound like a very loyal friend...just remember, you need to take care of yourself before you can be her friend.

Maybe along these lines?

Thank you for the birthday card.

I was thinking if I could have one birthday wish, it would be that our friendship could go back to where it was before "insert issue here" or that we could pick up where we left off as long as "insert what you didn't like here" doesn't happen again. We had a good friendship. It can be like that again.

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She has mental health issues.

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Having put myself in the position of your friend so many times in my own life, I think she is trying to reach out to re-establish your friendship.

It has often taken me months (even years) to realize that I had been the instigator/sabateur in a fall-out with friends/family. It has also taken me that long to get over the humiliation of my actions, knowing that I had caused much pain to those I care about.

Unfortunately, this is the "life-cycle" of a person with certain types of mental illnesses (BPD for one). Maintaining long-term friendships becomes next to impossible, specifically for the reasons you mentioned in your post.

I think it is important for you to consider at this point, whether you can ascertain if the behaviours were as a result of her illness interfering with her thoughts/feelings, or if this is part of her "real" personality (some people are just ****disturbers by nature, know what I mean?) and that you are accepting of this as part of your friendship with her.

This is the perfect opportunity to rid yourself of someone you may no longer want in your life (even if they have a mental illness) and to do it with some dignity and closure. That's an opportunity we rarely get with most relationships these days, I find.

I have had to end a few friendships because I could not deal with both my own issues and theirs as well, especially when the relationship is constantly triggering me.

I think it's good that you are responding with words of "friendship" to encourage her, as this is definitely what she is looking for from you. If she is like me, she will most likely not contact you again if she does not get a response of some sort. She is also more open to facing up to what she did now more than ever.

Just be sure that you really want to continue this relationship as this sort of thing may happen again.

Although I do not have any words for you, I thought maybe you would want to consider the unique position you are in.

(I hope I didn't come off as cold and heartless, though).

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She has mental health issues.

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Having put myself in the position of your friend so many times in my own life, I think she is trying to reach out to re-establish your friendship.

It has often taken me months (even years) to realize that I had been the instigator/sabateur in a fall-out with friends/family. It has also taken me that long to get over the humiliation of my actions, knowing that I had caused much pain to those I care about.

Unfortunately, this is the "life-cycle" of a person with certain types of mental illnesses (BPD for one). Maintaining long-term friendships becomes next to impossible, specifically for the reasons you mentioned in your post.

I think it is important for you to consider at this point, whether you can ascertain if the behaviours were as a result of her illness interfering with her thoughts/feelings, or if this is part of her "real" personality (some people are just ****disturbers by nature, know what I mean?) and that you are accepting of this as part of your friendship with her.

This is the perfect opportunity to rid yourself of someone you may no longer want in your life (even if they have a mental illness) and to do it with some dignity and closure. That's an opportunity we rarely get with most relationships these days, I find.

I have had to end a few friendships because I could not deal with both my own issues and theirs as well, especially when the relationship is constantly triggering me.

I think it's good that you are responding with words of "friendship" to encourage her, as this is definitely what she is looking for from you. If she is like me, she will most likely not contact you again if she does not get a response of some sort. She is also more open to facing up to what she did now more than ever.

Just be sure that you really want to continue this relationship as this sort of thing may happen again.

Although I do not have any words for you, I thought maybe you would want to consider the unique position you are in.

(I hope this didn't come off as cold and heartless, though).

It is a difficult call. You can acknowledge the card or just ignore it depending on the situation and if you want to have contact with this person in the future.

I had a situation like yours in that it was a 15 year "friendship". The person was really a needful one and I just had enough. It is a long stroy but, the short end is I broke it off and didn't contact the person again even after serveral attempts by him to get in touch with me. I just never returned cals or cards. It was a tough break and it was very hard on me. I really needed to end it and I did and that was that.

Good luck to you. If you want to renew the friendship then whatever caused the break needs to be left alone. Don't drag it back up because it could bite you again.

I didn't read the other posts.... but will give you my opinion for what it is worth...

My friend.. of many...many years.. lied to me... and she treated me very poorly..for a couple of years...

I was shocked... never dreamed that she had been lying to me about alot of things... that really were important.. very important... and I have no words to decrible the slice of pain that went thru my heart... no words..

After the shock.. after the anger.. came a decision... did I want this person in my life... would I ever trust this person again..

I decided... yes I did want this person in my life... but.. not in the old way..

So... she and I had a series of conversations... yepper.. not just one... a series....

letting her know.. how betrayed I felt.. number one.. and number two.. that I understood her way of "dealing with things" but that her way would have to improve... when dealing between the two of us... that I did indeed understand that she had "problems".... as I do have "problems"... but that the communication and the behaovior ... was going to have to improve..

Then over the course of the next 2 years... it was.. more conversations... as things veered... off the "path"...

and it has been worth it for me.. and for her... and no ...things will never be "perfect"... but.. it is still a good friendship..

so... you can decided to contact her... and talk to her.. or ignore the card completely... or really anything..

However... in my opinion.. unless you actually ask her.. and talk to her... you will never know her true intent...

respectively... submmitted.. as my opinion.. only...

All these post have given me something to think about.I was kind of playing down the card ,just seeing it as that since it didn't say anything about anything other than the ususal happy birthday-ie no suggestions about meeting up etc.Is it really right to construe this as an attempt to rekindle the friendship? If it was,wouldn't it say something more,and,if that is what my friend truly wants,won't it be followed by more action on her part whether I do anything or nothing?

my opinion only again for what it is worth..

a card like that is what my friend would do.. because she is unable to deal with any confrontation.. any responsibility for her own behavior.. so she would send it just to break the ice... in the hopes.. that I would contact her... for a conversation.. that would clear the air..

but your friend... I don't know...

I suppose that's a thought,Freewill,but I kind of thiink,surely,if I do nothing and she really wants to rekindle the friendship (if indeed that is what the card means),then she'll follow it up with something else.That seems logical?

Not necessarily.... It depends on a lot of factors............ Do you want to rekindle this former friendship?

I'd like to Fuzzybear,which is why I just thought of sending some nice,kind friendship words.............I guess the truth is that there's still lots of issues though and I can't resolve those on my own.If she were willing to talk ,like Freewill's friend ,then I'd be willing to try.I can't pretend to her that I'm not wary,hurt etc but with goodwill on both sides,maybe we could get somewhere.I don't know how to say all this though in a way that won't put her off or sound negative.I want to say postive things too.

Any more help please?

Any more thoughts please ?

you... know... I would love to say that sounds so "logical"... that your friend would follow-up with more if she wants a friendship... but if she is like my friend... well.. she is just illogical.. lol... and my friendship... was very close.. and of now a duration of 29 years... so worth saving... because well for me it was my adult.. lifetime..

for me I didn't re-hash... every little thing.. it was more of you mis-treated our friendship by telling big whopper lies - that mattered (not itt bitt ones).. and that hurt me.. and for us to move forward in our friendship... you cannot treat me this way.. you cannot lie about the big stuff...

so.... I pointed out.. what big lies were --- yepper... she actually needed to be told a couple whopper's...that she told... like.. ahhhhhhh.. the house she sold me had "terminite" damage.. ahhhh only I found out by someone else... I didn't ask for an insepection or a discloursre... cause she was my friend... and she didn't want to do that....prior to the sale..

There were so many things... not just with my home....

The point was.. I just wanted her to know.. just like with a child.... this is what is wrong.. this is what to not do.. and this is how I want to be treated...

for you... I would just have to think whether the friendship was worth the effort....

IMO, I would take the card at face value and not try to analyze her intentions as it would only be speculation at best.

If I were you, I would write to her and thank her for the birthday card and wishes. Tell her you hope she is doing well. I would keep it short and sweet. This puts the ball back in her court to do with as she sees fit. If you hear back from her, then you know she wants to have contact again....at that point you can open up a dialoge more deeply about your relationship.

I wish you well!

Hugsss
sabby

, Sabau2,

I don't know what your friend is like, or what she did, and I think those are the most important bits of information you need to use in deciding what to do. So take everything said here with a grain of salt, and really think about who your friend is and what the relationship is. That said, I have a very different experience to share.

My "best friend" basically went off of a bunch of gossip and some assumptions, and felt horribly wronged by me when in reality, I hadn't betrayed her the way she thought. Rather than talk about her feelings with me, she stopped speaking to me. Of course I tried to work it out, but in response, she sent me a scathing 7 page letter. It was the meanest attack on everything about me that I'd ever read, and it REALLY hurt. It was so unfair. She also turned several other friends against me and I was alienated from the group. I give all this history so you can understand what happened next.

I moved on. I was sad at first, but eventually I decided that someone who would think those horrible things about me that she wrote (and believe me, they were horrible), wasn't really the friend I ever thought she was. I didn't miss her, either, which surprised me. I just stuck with my other friends closer. A few months went by, and she attempted to contact me. She went to my mother's work and gave her an apology letter to give to me. It said she was sorry for everything that went wrong, and she really really missed me. It said I was the best friend she ever had.

I felt wary and guarded just like you do. I thought of this Alanis Morissette song that says "I'd be lying if I said I was completely unscathed. I might be proving you right with my silence or my retaliation. Would I be letting you win in my nonreaction?" I didn't know what to do. Like you, I wanted to keep a safe distance just in case. I wasn't hurt anymore, but I didn't trust her and didn't want to be vulnerable to get hurt again. But I also felt like I needed to respond somehow. I was SO TORN! I decided the friendship for me was probably beyond repair, but I thought I'd respond as honestly as possible- not promising anything- and see what she did. I wrote her an email and said "if you're looking for absolution, it's okay to move on. I'm not hurt anymore."

She responded and said she was NOT looking for absolution. She said she just wanted some answers. She wanted to know WHY I had supposedly said and done all these horrible things to her (all based on rumor and assumption and misunderstanding, none true). She said she wanted to know at what point I started to "hate her." Basically, she wasn't really sorry. Just wanted to fight some more! I told her that I hadn't deserved the blame she gave me, and that I was done going over all this with her. I asked her not to try to contact me again.

Of course she tried a few times over the years. I was polite, but very distant and cool. I never engaged with her again, and every time I told her not to contact me again. Eventually, I told her I would hang up if she called, and would not respond if she sent emails.

Then a close friend of ours died. She called to tell me. I didn't know why she was calling, so I was very curt with her. When I was about to hang up, though, she told me. I was crushed. She and I actually leaned on each other somewhat through that experience. And we talked (without getting into detail) about the past. She apologized for being immature in the past, and I felt like this time it was FINALLY a real apology. Are we best friends now? Nope. Haven't had much contact since then. But I feel like some of the distance is mended, and I would feel comfortable calling her if I ever had the desire (and would talk to her if she called me). I will never let her that close again, and I see no need to. She's a part of my past. But I do feel like there was a difference in her, and now she's a slightly less ugly part of my past if that makes sense.. and the only way I knew that was by finally talking to her again. The death of our friend softened both our hearts.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that I think it's best to be guarded. What looks like an attempt to reach out can really be an attempt to make you engage in more drama, and can hurt you over again. But, if you enter cautiously, you may also find that your friend has changed. It's a big risk to take, so you really need to follow your heart.

Best of luck to you. Let us know how it goes?

Now this is what I wanted to say originally. It all depends on the gravity of the situation - regardless of mental illness being a factor or not.

Everyone has their limits (and shouldn't feel ashamed about where they are).

It's a terrible shame what happened to such an old friendship as SweetCrusader had - and that does happen - but the decision made by SC is sound in every respect, according to her (?-Sorry, don't know your sex) set of boundaries (well, and mine, too).

Sometimes, some things that are just even said are irrepairable to a relationship.

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I guess all I'm trying to say is that I think it's best to be guarded. What looks like an attempt to reach out can really be an attempt to make you engage in more drama, and can hurt you over again. But, if you enter cautiously, you may also find that your friend has changed. It's a big risk to take, so you really need to follow your heart.

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Well said, SC, except for that itty-bitty stinger there(it sometimes happens when using 'salt' in a metaphor) 'bout those who commented earlier...not meant, though, as it sounded to me, right?

You know, there is one more point I would like to make here. That would be to go with your gut instinct. Listen to what your gut is telling you about the situation. Sometimes it's difficult to hear it, but if you really pay attention....and listen to what you hear/feel, it will guide you in the proper direction.

Please do let us know what you decide to do and the outcome....we care!

Hugsss
sabby

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except for that itty-bitty stinger there(it sometimes happens when using 'salt' in a metaphor) 'bout those who commented earlier...not meant, though, as it sounded to me, right?

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Oh, no, not meant that way. I meant it regarding anything anyone says about it (including myself). What I meant to say is that it's best to go with your own guts, not others' advice. That advice is good, but really shouldn't be what you base a decision on. You know?