As most of you likely know, I have a wonderful, loving boyfriend now. He treats me as I should be treated -- with respect & kindness -- at all times. I love him very much.

However, I am still having trouble getting past my ex's last words to me that were so very cruel and so very hurtful to me. I gave that a-hole everything & bent over backwards to help him, but then in the end all I got was extreme cruelty. It took everything away from me.... and left me bitter, angry and resentful of all that I had done for him.

So, how do you get past cruel words??? They haunt me still, even though I am in love with someone else and am very content & happy with him. I have moved on for the most part, but that cruelty in the end has really stuck in my craw, and I cannot let it go.

I should add: this ex was also very abusive and unstable.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

As most of you likely know, I have a wonderful, loving boyfriend now. He treats me as I should be treated -- with respect & kindness -- at all times. I love him very much.

However, I am still having trouble getting past my ex's last words to me that were so very cruel and so very hurtful to me. I gave that a-hole everything & bent over backwards to help him, but then in the end all I got was extreme cruelty. It took everything away from me.... and left me bitter, angry and resentful of all that I had done for him.

So, how do you get past cruel words??? They haunt me still, even though I am in love with someone else and am very content & happy with him. I have moved on for the most part, but that cruelty in the end has really stuck in my craw, and I cannot let it go.

I should add: this ex was also very abusive and unstable.

So what I would do, and what I did in past abusive relationships (not romantic but other kinds of abusive relationships) is make a list of their accusations or whatever they said, and then just write down all the facts that refute that...I mean, I'm assuming that their hurtful/cruel words were to accuse/blame you for things or call you names.

Example, my last employer tried to paint me as a failure and told unemployment I wasn't suited for the work. I made a list of all the successes I had while working there and all the money I raised for them, and, in my head, I could reconcile that they needed something to tell themselves to make them feel better about it, when the plain truth is far different.

However, in this process, it also helps to look at your own faults, and places where you did make mistakes, and just own that you aren't perfect either, but that doesn't negate your contributions to the relationship or make you a bad person or worthy of the abuse. The fact that you are flawed, as we all are, does not mean you somehow deserve his abuse or that anything he said was true. I just find that often we doubt ourselves because our own faults seem so huge to us, in our minds, that we sometimes can't reconcile that their statements are NOT true, because we somehow think we're deserving of it. In my case, was I a perfect employee? No. But was I a good employee who took initiative and was successful in reaching my goals, as set by my boss? Yes.

Are you perfect? No. Does that mean you deserved his abuse? No. Is he full of crap? Yes.

You get over it by repeating this to yourself over and over again until you don't have to look at your list anymore, you can immediately dismiss it if it comes to mind because you know it's not true.

I hope this makes sense and is helpful.

Seesaw

Originally Posted by seesaw

So what I would do, and what I did in past abusive relationships (not romantic but other kinds of abusive relationships) is make a list of their accusations or whatever they said, and then just write down all the facts that refute that...I mean, I'm assuming that their hurtful/cruel words were to accuse/blame you for things or call you names.

Example, my last employer tried to paint me as a failure and told unemployment I wasn't suited for the work. I made a list of all the successes I had while working there and all the money I raised for them, and, in my head, I could reconcile that they needed something to tell themselves to make them feel better about it, when the plain truth is far different.

However, in this process, it also helps to look at your own faults, and places where you did make mistakes, and just own that you aren't perfect either, but that doesn't negate your contributions to the relationship or make you a bad person or worthy of the abuse. The fact that you are flawed, as we all are, does not mean you somehow deserve his abuse or that anything he said was true. I just find that often we doubt ourselves because our own faults seem so huge to us, in our minds, that we sometimes can't reconcile that their statements are NOT true, because we somehow think we're deserving of it. In my case, was I a perfect employee? No. But was I a good employee who took initiative and was successful in reaching my goals, as set by my boss? Yes.

Are you perfect? No. Does that mean you deserved his abuse? No. Is he full of crap? Yes.

You get over it by repeating this to yourself over and over again until you don't have to look at your list anymore, you can immediately dismiss it if it comes to mind because you know it's not true.

I hope this makes sense and is helpful.

Seesaw

Thank you, Seesaw. I have done that in the past with other abusive relationships in fact, and it does work.

In this case, in the end during a big fight where I confronted him with his lies, he had told me he loved his other ex fiance more than me. That is the cruel thing he said to me that made me so bitter and resentful of even trying to help him to begin with.

In contrast to this, I have a prior email from him saying the exact opposite -- that he loved me more than anyone he had ever met. That's the only thing I have to negate his cruel words -- that, and all the other 1,000 times he had told me how much he loved me. But still, it makes me wonder, which was the truth?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Thank you, Seesaw. I have done that in the past with other abusive relationships in fact, and it does work.

In this case, in the end during a big fight where I confronted him with his lies, he had told me he loved his other ex fiance more than me. That is the cruel thing he said to me that made me so bitter and resentful of even trying to help him to begin with.

In contrast to this, I have a prior email from him saying the exact opposite -- that he loved me more than anyone he had ever met. That's the only thing I have to negate his cruel words -- that, and all the other 1,000 times he had told me how much he loved me. But still, it makes me wonder, which was the truth?

I recommend you delete old emails from him. Why keep them?

Do you find it important to know the truth who he loved more? It’s kind of irrelevant, isn’t it? You’ll never find out. We can only know what we think. Not what others think.

He was a liar and who knows what he really thought. He is a user who looks for women to support him, and he is an abuser as well. He lived off you, stole from you and treated you poorly but I wonder why you choose to focus on who he loved more. Does it matter?

You stopped financially supporting him so he had no need to say anything nice anymore, he is a user. I find it interesting how he is “ex-fiancée” with everyone. Did he really think women will marry him? I wonder if he is “fake engaged” again to make sure he can get women to support him.

He isn’t worth your time really

Originally Posted by divine1966

I recommend you delete old emails from him. Why keep them?

Do you find it important to know the truth who he loved more? It’s kind of irrelevant, isn’t it? You’ll never find out. We can only know what we think. Not what others think.

He was a liar and who knows what he really thought. He is a user who looks for women to support him, and he is an abuser as well. He lived off you, stole from you and treated you poorly but I wonder why you choose to focus on who he loved more. Does it matter?

You stopped financially supporting him so he had no need to say anything nice anymore, he is a user. I find it interesting how he is “ex-fiancée” with everyone. Did he really think women will marry him? I wonder if he is “fake engaged” again to make sure he can get women to support him.

He isn’t worth your time really

Yes, it matters. It matters very much. I was engaged to him. I was very much in love with him. I thought at one point we would get married. I went far out of my way to help him. I uprooted my entire life to save him from homelessness. I supported him for months. I even bought his bus ticket home, because I still loved him very much. Yes, it matters. It matters a whole lot whether he loved her more, and whether his feelings for me were just BS. It matters a lot whether he was lying to me the whole time about how much he loved me.

But that one email says differently, so I don't know....

maybe he just wanted to push me away and that was his way of doing it, by hurting me. We couldn't continue our relationship once he went home, we both knew this deep inside after a while, but we still tried and hung on. Then I caught him lying, we had a HUGE fight and he told me while angry and upset with me that he had loved her more.

btw, if there are more replies, I may be offline this weekend mainly, so thank you in advance, and I will get back on here as soon as I can.

[seesaw]

That's why you can't let it go, because you still think it matters. The reality is he didn't love either of you. He used both of you. Once you can accept that, you may be able to see that you will never be able to understand his behavior because he was a user and abuser.

I understand that it still bothers you but the way to get over it is to continue to remind yourself that it doesn't really matter bc it's over now and you have moved on. Eventually you will not have to remind yourself.

[divine1966]

But why does it matter what he “said” when you already know he is a liar. What “liars” say can’t possibly mean that much.

And why comparing who the person loves “more”. Who says these kind of things? I find such comparisons rather curious. We love people differently. Every relationship is different. Telling a woman he loves her MORE than he loved others smells fishy to me as yet another ploy to keep her hooked and brainwashed. When brainwashing wasn’t needed, neither was saying this nonsense. How does one even compare like that? I love my husband very much and am very happily married yet I see no need to tell him I love him more than I loved my first husband, for example. Why say such silly things?

I notice that you tend (and hopefully you dont anymore and it’s in the past) go by what men “say” rather than what they “do”. What does it matter what he “said” if what he “did” indicated that he wasn’t to be trusted and wasn’t a suitable partner.

[divine1966]

Again to quote my therapist: it’s a waste of your time to try understanding why people do or say things. We might never get an answer. You can only try understanding why “you” do or say things.

I’d take shift of who HE loved more or if he even loved you at all and focus on
why YOU cant let him go. Why instead of enjoying new relationship you worry about exes (if one loved you more than other women or if the other one is jealous when he sees you with someone new -at a concert).

Why are you giving exes so much thought? What does your therapist say about this?

[healingme4me]

Is it affecting your trust of your current partner?
Things said in anger are things said in anger and the heat of the moment. Do you still interact with the "her" that he professed to loving more?
The last I knew you had entered into a new relationship with someone new? Was there not enough time in between to have resolved these wounds? How are things really going with the new beau? :\

Thanks everyone. No, it's not effecting my current relationship or partner. We're very happy.

A part of it has to do with confronting my ex in April and having lingering thoughts.

Divine, you're right about putting too much weight into someone's words who lies.

And you all are right -- I do have the perspective that it doesn't matter so much now because I have moved on and I am in a far better relationship.

I suppose it only matters to me because I am still angry at myself for wasting SO much money, effort and time on someone who lied to me and abused me.

I didn't have a lot of time to reflect before I started dating again. But I am glad I met my current boyfriend and started dating him when I did. Or else, we wouldn't be where we are now, and I am thankful for that.

My therapist is working with me on my past, but I won't see her again for a couple more weeks.

[graystreet]

I don’t have an answer for you. I am in the same place. It feels like I come a really long way, like climbing up a steep hill only to fall back down to the bottom. I won’t hijack your post to go into it (I’ll make my own) but I want you to know, you aren’t alone. Feel good in the fact that you have someone. I feel more isolated as the summer continues.

Originally Posted by graystreet

I don’t have an answer for you. I am in the same place. It feels like I come a really long way, like climbing up a steep hill only to fall back down to the bottom. I won’t hijack your post to go into it (I’ll make my own) but I want you to know, you aren’t alone. Feel good in the fact that you have someone. I feel more isolated as the summer continues.

Thank you. HUGS. I have a tendency to ruminate, which is what my therapist pointed out to me as being a part of my depression. But right now, I don't feel depressed. Do you tend to ruminate too? I always have... so for me, I think this is a component of me thinking about this relationship long after it has ended.

I am sorry you are feeling more isolated (((((Hugs)))))) UGH.

So, yeah, going on what I just wrote, I have a tendency to ruminate. So that is contributing to this issue, and I don't know how to NOT ruminate. It's like my brain feels wired this way.... I try to distract myself with activities or tasks, and that helps for the time being, but the thoughts creep in, inevitably. I want to continue to work with my therapist on my ruminating...

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

So, yeah, going on what I just wrote, I have a tendency to ruminate. So that is contributing to this issue, and I don't know how to NOT ruminate. It's like my brain feels wired this way.... I try to distract myself with activities or tasks, and that helps for the time being, but the thoughts creep in, inevitably. I want to continue to work with my therapist on my ruminating...

I understand totally. My experience has been it only.goes away by continuing to redirect your thoughts, which takes practice. There's no magic trick to it.

Originally Posted by seesaw

I understand totally. My experience has been it only.goes away by continuing to redirect your thoughts, which takes practice. There's no magic trick to it.

Thank you... I will work on this.... it's going to take a lot of practice and effort.

Everything all of you are saying makes sense to me.... I should be done with thinking on this past relationship..... so it's gotta be my rumination tendency and how my brain is wired or got rewired with depression.

[divine1966]

I think holding on to the idea of how others do us wrong creates a bit of a victim mentality (not saying you like to be a victim but in general there is adanger of getting used to feeling that way).

That’s why I think it’s wiser to switch focus from being a victim to being in charge. Unless you were abducted and was forced into something, you (hypothetical as many of us can relate to that) you decide to bring in and support jobless and homeless person who repeatedly lies and whom you only knew online etc We decide to enter relationships or pursue wrong people when it’s pretty obvious is a bad choice.

Rather exploring what he says and why he was nasty explore why you did that. And not in order to be angry but to understand yourself better, learn from mistakes etc Focusing on how he lies or that he perhaps loved someone more keeps you in a victim role.

He isn’t worth all this ruminating. He isn’t a great man but you are upset relationship didn’t work out. He is not the father of your children whom you have to put up with now. He was just a guy you unfortunately felt in love with who turned out to be a bad partner, likely face to face interaction was short and only lasted few months. It wasn’t even years of your life wasted. Your ruminating over him lasts longer than your relationship! It’s really not worth to waste another minute on it.

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think holding on to the idea of how others do us wrong creates a bit of a victim mentality (not saying you like to be a victim but in general there is adanger of getting used to feeling that way).

That’s why I think it’s wiser to switch focus from being a victim to being in charge. Unless you were abducted and was forced into something, you (hypothetical as many of us can relate to that) you decide to bring in and support jobless and homeless person who repeatedly lies and whom you only knew online etc We decide to enter relationships or pursue wrong people when it’s pretty obvious is a bad choice.

Rather exploring what he says and why he was nasty explore why you did that. And not in order to be angry but to understand yourself better, learn from mistakes etc Focusing on how he lies or that he perhaps loved someone more keeps you in a victim role.

He isn’t worth all this ruminating. He isn’t a great man but you are upset relationship didn’t work out. He is not the father of your children whom you have to put up with now. He was just a guy you unfortunately felt in love with who turned out to be a bad partner, likely face to face interaction was short and only lasted few months. It wasn’t even years of your life wasted. Your ruminating over him lasts longer than your relationship! It’s really not worth to waste another minute on it.

Yeah, all good points!

I am not so upset that the relationship didn't work out. It wasn't meant to.. he was a very bad man, and is not a good partner for me.

It doesn't matter so much imo the length of time that I am ruminating.. I mean, we were engaged after all, and we were together for a year. It is now eight or so months after our final breakup..... what I need to get to the bottom of is WHY I am ruminating so much.

Truth is, I am still kicking myself over this HUGE mistake I made... a mistake in judgement.... a mistake because I was so desperate for a relationship or love at the time, he love bombed me and I fed into it hook, line and sinker.... a mistake because I ignored all the warning signs, a mistake because I moved him here in a knee jerk reaction to his homelessness crisis, and against my better judgement. I feel I really should have known better, and that I could have done SO much better than that. After ALL I've been through with abusive relationships, I really should have known better. I've already learned this lesson... many times over.

I have a tendency to beat myself up endlessly over a mistake. I am very hard on myself... I am a perfectionist, and that comes from my parents and my upbringing. They are perfectionists and came down on me very hard, all my life.

I think I need greater compassion for myself for where I was mentally and emotionally at the time... I had just come out of one abusive relationship, and rebounded right into another abusive relationship. I was not in a good place in my life.. living under my parents' roof and not independently. I was emotionally vulnerable and he came into the picture.

I suppose I feel I really could have saved myself from a LOT of heartache and financial trouble had I just been smarter and far more aware, you know???

Yes, I am beating myself up, still. That is what the real crux of the issue is.... beneath my obsessing over his cruelty..... I am really just very angry at myself and feel SO very foolish and stupid.

Maybe if I can somehow forgive myself and find compassion for where I was then, maybe then I can finally let this go....

I also am ruminating over standing up to him, for my own self respect... something else I need to explore in therapy.

Good news is, I am in a far better place now. I am independent again, I have a full time job I am starting, I have a loving boyfriend and a healthy relationship for once... all good things... I am trying to embrace all these positives that have happened over the last many months.

[divine1966]

Yes embrace the good in life, not holding on to what happened. Life is way too short.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Yes embrace the good in life, not holding on to what happened. Life is way too short.

Indeed it is..... I know I need to work on this.... and on letting go of my mistakes.

[Shazerac]

Just a thought. Sometimes when I have an experience like what you suffered through I write a loooooooong letter and let it all hang out. Betrayal, hurt, after all I did for you... you done me wrong. You selfish bastard! Curse his ancestors, wish that he would fall in a hole and fall straight to Hell. Be imaginative.
Get it all out.

Then burn the letter. Watch it go up in smoke and try to let your pain evaporate and float away and fall to ashes. Have a ritual like this helps release the bad feelings. Another thing I’ve done is write the name of the person or group that hurt me and abused me on a rock. Then I go to a river, lake, or the ocean and throw it in. I find it very cathartic.

Originally Posted by Shazerac

Just a thought. Sometimes when I have an experience like what you suffered through I write a loooooooong letter and let it all hang out. Betrayal, hurt, after all I did for you... you done me wrong. You selfish bastard! Curse his ancestors, wish that he would fall in a hole and fall straight to Hell. Be imaginative.
Get it all out.

Then burn the letter. Watch it go up in smoke and try to let your pain evaporate and float away and fall to ashes. Have a ritual like this helps release the bad feelings. Another thing I’ve done is write the name of the person or group that hurt me and abused me on a rock. Then I go to a river, lake, or the ocean and throw it in. I find it very cathartic.

Thanks, Shaz. I have written such lengthy letters, but haven't burned them as such, though it's such a great idea! Hmm... I have imagined replying back one more time if I did ever hear from him again but then again, he hardly deserves a response from me and I've already confronted him on most his BS. Maybe I will try this method.... heck, I will try anything in order to fully let this go!

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Yeah, all good points!

I am not so upset that the relationship didn't work out. It wasn't meant to.. he was a very bad man, and is not a good partner for me.

It doesn't matter so much imo the length of time that I am ruminating.. I mean, we were engaged after all, and we were together for a year. It is now eight or so months after our final breakup..... what I need to get to the bottom of is WHY I am ruminating so much.

Truth is, I am still kicking myself over this HUGE mistake I made... a mistake in judgement.... a mistake because I was so desperate for a relationship or love at the time, he love bombed me and I fed into it hook, line and sinker.... a mistake because I ignored all the warning signs, a mistake because I moved him here in a knee jerk reaction to his homelessness crisis, and against my better judgement. I feel I really should have known better, and that I could have done SO much better than that. After ALL I've been through with abusive relationships, I really should have known better. I've already learned this lesson... many times over.

I have a tendency to beat myself up endlessly over a mistake. I am very hard on myself... I am a perfectionist, and that comes from my parents and my upbringing. They are perfectionists and came down on me very hard, all my life.

I think I need greater compassion for myself for where I was mentally and emotionally at the time... I had just come out of one abusive relationship, and rebounded right into another abusive relationship. I was not in a good place in my life.. living under my parents' roof and not independently. I was emotionally vulnerable and he came into the picture.

I suppose I feel I really could have saved myself from a LOT of heartache and financial trouble had I just been smarter and far more aware, you know???

Yes, I am beating myself up, still. That is what the real crux of the issue is.... beneath my obsessing over his cruelty..... I am really just very angry at myself and feel SO very foolish and stupid.

Maybe if I can somehow forgive myself and find compassion for where I was then, maybe then I can finally let this go....

I also am ruminating over standing up to him, for my own self respect... something else I need to explore in therapy.

Good news is, I am in a far better place now. I am independent again, I have a full time job I am starting, I have a loving boyfriend and a healthy relationship for once... all good things... I am trying to embrace all these positives that have happened over the last many months.

There it is! I was waiting for you to admit that. You are ruminating cause you think it's your fault. So work on forgiving yourself and remember he was a master manipulator.

Originally Posted by seesaw

There it is! I was waiting for you to admit that. You are ruminating cause you think it's your fault. So work on forgiving yourself and remember he was a master manipulator.

LOL... applause! I got to the bottom of it, thanks to everyone's input and help, here!! Yes, I now see this much more clearly... thank you for your input and support!

[healingme4me]

The thing about forgiving oneself, for me personally is to go back and give myself an honest assessment of myself for starters. (I'm looking back on some of my personal journal notes and toggling back here, for the record)
"I truly thought.....xyz....
"I truly believed...xyz...
"I believed they were meeting me in the same place...same plane...shared vision..goals, etc...

"What I realized....

"...not having my better interests...
"...didn't recognize it because....(that's where the trusting nature comes to play for me)...focus on their life/complaints/critiques/emotions...
"....bottled things up....

Sometimes life becomes convoluted. And sometimes the toxic nature of a relationship isn't blatantly obvious. Sometimes it's insidious. How were you supposed to immediately know it wasn't right for you? Aren't some relationships designed to run their course?
Sometimes it's not immediately clear. Sometimes it's downright confusing because the guy can be giving you warmth and attention and it seems like it's legit. And to an extent it is legit. At the same time, is it with what's best for Eve or what's best/or in it for them?

My thought isn't so much on why he'd say that causing you to believe the entire thing was a lie or a shame but is he perfectly incapable of fostering the depth and nurturing that has you in mind?