Guilt from family

So my fiancé and I both don’t want a wedding and we want to elope. When I mentioned elopement to my parents, they said they would be hurt to not be involved and my dad says he would be very disappointed to not give me away. So I decided that we had to have a wedding for their sake.

Well it turns out that means we have to pay for the wedding ourselves. We don’t want to. It’s a few thousand dollars we don’t have, even for a very small family only wedding, and we also have to save and pay for the honeymoon ourselves.

The only reason to have a wedding is for my family, not for us. I want to tell my parents that we prefer to elope, that we don’t want them to be hurt, but that this is what we can and want to do. I also don’t even agree with the notion of my father “giving me away”. I’m 48 and have been out of the house since I was 18.

I worry about how they will feel and about hurting them, but it’s our wedding and we both feel that we should be doing it for us, not for them. I cannot help but feel guilty though .. how do I approach this with them and explain it so they understand? I have such enormous guilt but also resentment. They’ve always tried to control me and guilt me into doing what they want me to do. It’s my life, for Christ’s sake. Please advise ... thank you!

You could tell your parents and father that it's really sweet that he would want to be involved the old fashioned way where the father gives away his daughter. golden, while you are an adult and 48, your parents will continue to see you as their little girl, and that's just how it is when you are a parent. You don't have to entertain guilt, just let them know you appreciate the sentiment but that you prefer to have a quiet simple wedding and would rather focus on saving so you can have a nice honeymoon. Just be honest, your parents will get over it. It's your wedding, what you have chosen to do and agreed to do with your finance. Weddings are very expensive, even small weddings are very expensive now. It's not like it was when your parents got married where weddings were so much more affordable.

((((golden_eve)))) Just be honest and tell them what you wrote here. I think they'll understand... especially if money is a problem, too.

How about going to the courthouse with just the closest family who needs to be there? Let your father walk you down the “aisle” and give you away. Then take them out to the nicest restaurant for lunch.

My sister had to scrap her expensive wedding and rush to marry before my father died, and the above is just what she did.

How much can a couple of lunches and a bottle of wine cost? A cute little bouquet or even just a corsage for you and your mom.

Looks like your parents don’t see you as an independent savvy woman but still see you as a young girl who needs to be “given away”.

I disagree with open eyes that it’s normal for parents to see their daughters as little girls. I beg to differ. My daughter is a widow, she is free to marry again or not and do whatever. Her well being is very important to me but I don’t see her as a little girl at all, I see her as strong independent professional successful woman, not a girl. I’d find it hillarious if my parents wanted to “give me away” at my wedding at 50 and I am close to them.

Do they see you this way because you lived with them on and off in and off and were dependent on them? You could remind them that those times are over.

I see no need to feel guilty. I’d feel guilty if my decision effected their well being. It does not. In fact you can tell them directly that you can’t afford it.

Saying that it sounds that you thought they’d pay for wedding and honeymoon? Maybe I misunderstood. I don’t know anyone whose honeymoon is paid by parents at any age (unless maybe money gifts could be used for that). Certainly yes parents often pay for weddings if they can and want but I guess usually for younger folks and it’s nothing one should expect.

Really wedding or no wedding isn’t important. Ensuring that your marriage is healthy (issues with fiancées anger and fixing his job issue etc) should be a priority. I wouldn’t tell parents that of course but I’d tell them that you have different priorities in your relationship

Thank you, everyone!

I will tell them what I have written here. No, we cannot do a small family wedding nearby. His parents are out of state, elderly and in wheelchairs.

Divine, I did not expect my parents to pay for anything. I just cannot afford it all myself, I realized later on after looking more realistically at it.

Yes, I think it is unrealistic that my dad wants to still "give me away" as though I am 22!!! Perhaps it does have to do with my having lived with them recently and on and off, and them still not seeing me as an independent adult. I don't know. Or perhaps they are still steeped in a traditional mindset. I am guessing the latter. They are pretty old school.

Either way, I am going to bite the bullet and tell them. It's just not going to happen.... now, the question is, when do I tell them? Just the four of us are having Thanksgiving dinner together so I am sure they will ask about wedding plans. Do I tell them before or after Thanksgiving?? UGH.

Divine makes a good point. It was my sister’s first marriage and she was in her early 20’s.

Tell them after everyone is fed and drunk, lol.

Lol, Tisha. I really don’t know when is the right time..

I think your suggestion makes much sense Its still a wedding including dad walking her down the "aisle" I'd go to a fancy restaurant that everyone likes It doesn't need to be the nicest.

I'm sorry your parents are trying to guilt you into throwing a wedding you cannot afford. Sounds like something my parents might do. They still see me as a little girl although I am 36. I just don't tell them much about my life (who I'm dating, etc) because I don't want them to get upset. It's not really a good situation, but it's all I can think of to do.

I hope your parents won't give you a hard time when you tell them what you want.

Thank you! Yeah it’s very hard and just kind of sucks.

If they are old fashioned and traditional, then they would have a problem with traditional wedding if you two already live together.

I wouldn’t address it at thanksgiving dinner of course or at any other formal or celebratory event. Just tell them casually.

When we decided to just elope most of my family just accepted it, some relatives acted a bit funny about it, like one of my nephews kept asking when he could at least come to a reception lol. When I kept saying there is no reception, he kept looking at me funny. Lol My husband’s sister acted kind of funny about it too. I asked my therapist on her thoughts and she said that we can’t please everyone and we should just do what suits us and not worry about offending people. And that’s what we did.

Ton of people have nice weddings and crappy relationships. Our marriage is great but our wedding was a joke lol Better than the other way around. Maybe you can tell your parents that quality of your marriage isn’t proportional to lavishness of your wedding. Or love for your parents isn’t proportional to size and price of a wedding

Thanks Divine! This is helpful. No we can’t please everyone and I truly feel I should do it the way we both want to. I’ll just have to explain my position and be firm with them. I’m sure they’ll protest yet again.

Let them protest

Hi Eve,

It is your life, not theirs. In their excitement about their daughter getting married, it doesn't sound like they are considering what their daughter wants and needs.

If you find it hard to communicate, maybe write them a letter / assertive (gentle and kind, but firm and standing your ground) note. Like "Mom, Dad, I understand that you're happy for me and want to be a part of my wedding. But me and my fiancé want to elope." And then list the reasons why it's important to you. Anyway, good luck. Let us know how it goes.

PS: are you nervous that you might lose your cool with them? Or just don't like confrontation? I hope you know that your reasons for wanting to elope are valid. Not being financially stressed and also being able to have the wedding that will make you happy, because it's your wedding, is also important and makes complete sense!

Don’t feel guilty. Guilt is for if you’ve broken a law or done something ethically wrong. You’ve done neither. Your parents might be disappointed but it sounds like ultimately they just want you to be happy and they want to share in your happiness. Perhaps they will enjoy making other plans with you and future hubby... holiday plans and fun get-togethers are just as nice as weddings and I hope in the end they are just happy to spend lots of quality time with you guys.

If you are worried about your parents bringing up the wedding plans at Thanksgiving dinner, then you should call them and tell them to please not ask about that or bring that topic up. Last I read you mentioned that you were planning a long engagement and you are not going to rush into marriage, a wise choice IMHO.

Has your fiance even met your parents yet golden?

Thank you, OE and Sisabel!

Yes, I am sure they just want to share in our happiness. I can also present a party afterwards with them, which is what we would like to do.

OE, he's met them many times now. They love him.

A letter isn't a bad idea. I am worried I may get upset if they push me. I am not good at confrontation, especially with my own family. But in person is probably best. I am sure they would much rather have me tell them in person.

I think a good approach will be to inform them of what you are doing, rather than try to explain and get them to understand.

We eloped a few months ago. We are both so, so, so happy we made that choice. We both feared the reaction of our families and I felt super awkward about not inviting my relatives that live five minutes away - but every time we sat down to figure out how to do it and include people, it turned into an expensive nightmare. If we invite my mother, we have to invite his, and then we'd have to invite this difficult person and that other person neither of us like and schedule it far in advance, somewhere half way, etc etc etc.

So we eloped and told our families after we did it. The reaction was not bad. Everyone was happy for us. The day winds up being just about you and the commitment you are making to each other. We started to get pressured into having a reception, but after a week of trying to work out the logistics, we realized that this was exactly what we wanted to avoid by eloping, so we bagged that.

I would stop talking about your wedding plans with your family. Just say something vague and noncommittal, 'we're taking a break from planning,' and refuse to engage on the topic.

Glad to know they have met your fiance and they like him.

I can relate to wanting to avoid confrontation. Often one's own family can be the worst at pushing those confrontational buttons too. You know them best, just do your best to stick to your guns. Explain to your family that you really just want your marriage to be simple and very low key and the way you planned it is really BEST for you and your fiance both financially and stress wise where often "simple" is really the best way to go. Emphasize with your parents that both you and your fiance have decided you really just want things simple and private and intimate rather than trying to make everyone else happy in feeling you both need to do it a certain way to please others.
Use a firm tone with your parents so that they understand your decision is not up for debate. Pay attention to how you talk to them where you might be saying "is it ok if?" where they have a chance to take over the decision and turn things into what they want.

When me and my wife finally decided to get married we thought about the same thing. I just wanted to run to vegas and do it and be done but the wife didn't. We agreed on just going to the courts and doing it there but after talking we price checked a justice of the peace and found one last minute (like 4 days before the date we wanted) and she didn't charge much. We both knew it would be important to my parents to be involved so we had it at my parents house. My mom did the decorations and cooked dinner to help us out. We were going to buy a cheap cake but one of my dad's clients is a bakery and he got the cake (nothing fancy) from them for cheap.

She doesn't talk to her family so we didn't invite them and it was just my family (the ones we like anyways, lol) and a few of our close friends (like 3 people.) it was something small and it was something we agreed on. We spent maybe 100$ because we provided the wine and the justice. My parents felt "involved" and didn't spend a lot of money either.

What we did agree on from the beginning was that we wanted to have a small wedding reception because we wanted to spend a lot on our honeymoon because come on now, that's where the real fun is and the memories are made. Honestly, we probably spent too much on our 12 day trip cross country (we drove from east texas to chicago) but its something we'll always remember (well... she'll remember because when I had my stroke in May I don't remember much of it at all ).

Oh! my advice is take lots of pictures so you can remember the day. What we did was we got our fav pics from the honeymoon and the pics my friends and family took of the wedding and got them professionally printed (you know there's tones of web pages that do that kind of stuff) and decorated our new house with the pictures. It helped a lot with memories after my stroke and it makes us happy to relive the moments.

But after all that long winded talk about us (probably more then you cared to hear) I agree with the others, do what you want and what will make you happy. If getting eloped through the courts is what makes you happy then do it. If you want to spend your money on the honeymoon then do it. It's memories between you two. It's your day. They're your memories. It's the start of your new life together and you should start it the way you want not the way other's want you to.

Your parents did tell you they will be very hurt to not be there at the ceremony, though. Just remember, to every action there’s a reaction. I don’t judge if you prefer to do what you want to do. You do it knowing it will hurt them.

Thank you so much everyone! I really appreciate your words of advice and encouragement. Your stories help.. the advice and support helps too!

And Tisha, that's the exact answer my parents would give me -- this thread is titled guilt from family, and you're almost doing the same thing to me. I always appreciate your responses, but that's the exact kind of answer that will guilt me into paying $8000-$10000 on a wedding and honeymoon I cannot even afford. This comes down to money. I cannot afford to pay for both a wedding and a honeymoon. We have to elope. I am not paying for a flight, hotel, car and ceremony JUST to please my parents and keep THEM happy. It's not what I want to do. The way I feel is this is my wedding and MY day -- they will just need to get over it. I certainly don't want to hurt them, but this is the way it has to be.