[salukigirl]

last night i found porn on our computer in our history. (no i dont go searching for it, our history pops up when the internet pops up). i confronted my boyfriend about it because he knows how much i hate porn. i really dont want any of the "well porn isnt bad" because i hate it, end of story. anyways, he said he didnt even like it. he didnt masturbate to it and the whole time he was looking he didnt know why he was. he said that he thinks he is trying to sabotage our relationship because of how good we have been lately and he doesnt feel like he deserves me. i feel like a fool giving him my trust again because i dont want to get hurt by him twice but i still love him and still want to be with him. but i cant help but feel hurt that he was doing this. he is scared (and so am i) that it will never be the same. i tried listening to some of the songs that make me think about him and they just made me cry. i dont know what to do. any time a guy has cheated or anything i just left so i dont know how to get over it. im kind of associating him looking but not knowing why with depression because i know how much it can mess a person up when it comes to sex. but he doesnt have health insurance to go to a therapist. what am i supposed to do?

[nowheretorun]

i would advise, first, believe in yourself and those things you desire...

second, make a comprehensive mental evaluation... emotions aside..

try to choose if this relationship betters, or harms the self and, even consider, does it harm others in another way? think of the children that MAY or MAY NOT exist in your future.. what is best for them?

third, examine the emotional elements... is there open and growing communication, or=, is it the other... then, for yourself, make the wisest choice..

best to you saluki ...

[Perna]

You say, "that he is doing this" as if he's still doing it? It sounded to me like he did it, past tense and didn't enjoy it, and that you had a pretty good conversation about the problem together?

Ultimately it is you two's relationship. I'd work together to see what you can do to make it better, what he'd like to do to help him feel "worthy" of you and the relationship, etc. I wouldn't focus on the porn, that looks like it was just a "thing", a tool of sorts so you could get this problem out in the open. The porn is not alive, Salukigirl, it can't hurt you; you have to work with the very complicated, very live person your boyfriend is and how he feels and how you feel, etc. The porn is "unrelated" to that and focusing on it can't help either of you.

[salukigirl]

yeah, we have talked about it a lot more today. he said that is the only time in the 2 years we have been together that he has looked at it. he said he feels like he was testing himself and that it made him feel really good that it didnt turn him on. but he felt that he couldnt talk to me because he didnt have a clear cut reason why he was doing it. he also very easily could have just deleted the history which makes me feel like he subconsciously wanted to be caught so that we could talk about everything thats going on.

in the end its turned out to be a blessing. now i know that no matter what happens i wont lose my feelings for him and i guess its kind of made us stronger over the past day or 2. i feel like if we can get through this crazy situation then we can get through everything.

thanks for the responses.

[InACorner]

it happened to me too....and not to be a wet blanket....but if there is more than one site on the history....then he enjoyed it...or if he didnt enjoy it....he has a major major problem because he is looking at it....i guarentee that the history doesnt tell you everything. I dont know...im not the right person to talk to because MY boyfriend enjoyed it....after i found some things that i could not get over and combined with a bunch of other stuff we broke up ...sorry...ill stop

talk to him. Explain your uncomfort over the situation. I am sorry your in this and i hope things can be settled.

[salukigirl]

he does have a problem with it and he admitted to me that he used to have a problem with it. i told him that i want him to talk to someone because there is a problem in looking at that stuff if there is no reason for it. he doesnt think he is depressed because he feels okay at home. but i told him that it could be clinical depression which isnt just a mood, its a chemical imbalance in your brain. and i was diagnosed with that and had similar symptoms to what he has. he has never done anything in 2 years to break my trust so i want to give him a second chance.

[youOme]

Every man I've ever known has looked at porn, dirty magazines..etc... Men do this, this is typical. I don't mind my husband looking as long it's free, a safe site, and it's not all the time. I don't mind if he watches it...preferably free though. With this freedom to "look", well, he never does anymore. I think since it's not a "taboo" and exciting secret experience, he's no longer interested. Makes sense men find that exciting. Anyway, it might bother you but I surely wouldn't let him know how much, if that makes sense.

[Cyran0]

saluki, you know I respect you so I'm just being honest here. Whether you approve of porn or not, I've yet to meet a guy who never looks at it. Perhaps you could point him toward material you wouldn't object to so much? Erotica can be a terrific outlet and can even have some artistic merit (depending on the author).

I didn't want to post in this thread because you said you didn't want to hear that porn isn't bad but that most men crave it as an outlet is pretty normal. It's a coping mechanism to a drive we are slaves to and that's hard for women to satisfy. I've also heard many of my male friends comment that it helps them remain faithful (only anecdotal evidence, nothing to back this up).

Cyran0

[salukigirl]

im not going to hide what makes me mad just so he can look at naked chicks. i find porn degrading and sexist and disgusting so he should respect that. to me its the same with just about everything: if youre going to look, dont tell me you wont then you do. tell me you will so when i find it i wont be horrified. if youre going to drink or smoke or whatever, just tell me first. its the lie that goes along with it, not necessarily the action.

he said he looked for about 10 minutes tops and said to himself "what the hell am i doing?" and stopped. i just hate being one of those girls that looks through stuff cause im not trusting. he knows that i always find out lol

he did this on thursday. the mouse was broken but you could still kinda get around it, it was just a pain. just so happens that my mom sent me a mouse for the computer on saturday. so its kind of a coincidence that i found it only 2 days later. plus i can read him like a book. i know when he is hiding something and he knows that. thats why he cant hide stuff from me. weve worked it out. i told him that i might just need him to reassure me more often and he has been basically waiting on me hand and foot i guess to make up for it?

bottom line, i dont want him looking at other women, especially not in such a demeaning manor. he has told me when he thinks certain girls or celebrities or whatever are attractive. but i dont tolerate sexist activity like that. he can be a misogynist somewhere else, but not in my house. hes getting help for his problem though. he never told anybody, so he never knew it was a problem. he sees it now though, which is good.

[seeker1950]

Saluki, huny,
I am thinking this is not so big a problem...but I could be wrong. As others have said here, men seem to like porn, though I agree with you that it is degrading to women.
Is he faithful to you...a loving and caring partner? If so, this may just be his hormones working overtime. If you feel, though, that is an ongoing problem, and that he is obsessed with this kind of imagery, then maybe you need to rethink your relationship.
Sorry, I can't be more help in this.
Many years ago, I was best friends with a woman who was a talented musician and artist. He husband was gifted musician as well, and who was even featured in PEOPLE Magazine for his talent as a builder of guitars for the "stars" of music. She told me that he liked to view porn movies regularly, before having sex with her. She divorced him and moved on. It saddened me to hear this, as I loved and admired them both.
I don't know what to tell you about your current situation other than to say "be watchful."
Love
Patty

[salukigirl]

yeah, if he enjoyed it it would be something else.

what scares me is that my brother has this same problem. he looked at porn after he hadnt for a long time and he said he didnt know why, he just did. but in our family, him having mixed feelings towards women is very very understandable considering my father and the influences he had on my brother at a very young age.

my boyfriend, though, when i look at his family i dont see any of the same stuff that would give him this curiosity. he said it was not for any enjoyment, it was just there. i mean, im not a guy so i dont completely understand. but i just think there is something wrong when its just there. if he got enjoyment out of it that would be a whole new can of worms. were working on it though.

i, naturally, blamed myself for not wanting sex as much as i used to because its hard to tell from one day to the next whether ill bleed or not or be in pain etc... but then he said that had nothing to do with it. so i dont know. hes going to try and talk to a psychologist or someone who has been through it before to understand why. he is not normally that kind of guy.

he totally supports me in every way, is very feminist and all for reproductive rights and the whole kit n kaboodle. he is very against having me be the stay at home wife and wants me to go to school etc so it really suprised me because he is, usually, as much against degrading women as i am.

he is sticking with the trying to sabotage our relationship theory which i think could be hitting the nail on the head. every time were doing really well for a long time either him or i do something completely out of the blue and stupid to mess things up. (we have awesome self esteem lol)

[Cyran0]

I still want to stress that there are non exploitive outlets such as erotica. In fact, some of the best erotica out there is written by women. This allows people to explore the fantasies they need to entertain while not hurting anyone. It would also enable him to do this without betraying your trust.

Men and women are different and we relate to sex differently. I'm a little worried that completely stifling his urges will suffocate him on some level and after a long enough period that could lead to resentment or acting out.

Cyran0

[salukigirl]

i ask him if he has any fantasies and if he wants a subscription to maxim or whatever guys magazine has hot chicks in it and he says no every time. i tell him its okay to have little crushes like his crush on ashley judd (odd choice i know lol). but he still feels like its not allowed. like i said its not the fact that he was watching it, it was that he was hiding it from me.

thats why i dont know what to do because i have asked him so many times if he wants stuff like that and he says no. so then i feel like he adamantly doesnt want any of it but then he does it... so im confused. my ex boyfriends had porn and playboys etc... and it didnt bother me because it was out in the open. they didnt hide it from me. so thats the worst part.

he has this feeling like im going to leave him if he slips up once. i dont know how many times i have told him, im not going to leave you for something like that! but he still thinks i will. i dont know. i want him to come on here and talk to some guys because i feel like he can be more open if hes anonymous and i understand why its hard for him to talk to me about that stuff.

i told him that im a little crazy and untrusting of men but over the past 2 years i have gotten a lot better and i think he is still stuck in 2 years ago. because i was very jealous and very insecure. so he hasnt moved past that point.

[Cyran0]

If you have a history of really coming down on him for this behavior, he probably feels like he shouldn't do it no matter what. That's how I'd feel if my wife were extremely upset by it. But I don't know him or the history so I can't say.

One thing is certain, he told you one thing and then acted in a different way. That's hurtful to you but it also speaks to some internal conflict on his part. He seems to want to do what pleases you (admirable) but something drew him to that porn. Sure, he didn't enjoy it but that could have more to do with the quality of the porn. Chances are, he wanted to enjoy it or why look at all?

I'm glad he's seeing a therapist about it because it sounds to me like he may have painted himself into an emotional corner. He wants to be a good person and please you but he also has male sexual needs that are hard to deny.

Personally I think this is a common problem and I know it effects me (so maybe I'm projecting a bit). How to be the man women want us to be while still meeting our own needs? Heck, I love women and don't want to hurt anybody. But I've certainly watched porn which according to your earlier post makes me a misogynist and I don't want to be that. My head has turned when I've seen a beautiful woman but I don't want to be hurting my wife by looking. So many guys I've talked to end up feeling very conflicted and confused (myself included). What's a guy to do?

I wish you and your boyfriend the best and I hope you get this worked out.

Cyran0

[salukigirl]

i have been offering things like that and he still refuses things like playboys and whatever else. ive seriously asked him like a dozen times and ive been open in telling him "if youre going to then just let me know." cause all my exes have looked at stuff like that but the difference was that they were open about looking at it so it didnt bother me.

we worked a lot out last night and i feel much better about it. i guess i kind of associate it with wanting someone else. but i guess its more like working himself up for me? i flipped out because when i found it i thought it had been going on behind my back for a long time.

it makes me feel a lot better knowing that its not strictly to see other girls naked. im not a guy so i dont really know why guys look at it. if i tried to look at those buff guys with thongs on i would just laugh. lol.

cyran0 - youre so good at explaining things. youre like my eye into the mind of my boyfriend lol. makes things easier. thanks.

[Cyran0]

I'm glad it helped but do bear in mind, I'm not your boyfriend. This is just reality as I, and a few guys I've spoken to, experience it. He could be thinking something totally different.

One consistency I have found though is that porn usually has very little to do with our partner. The exception to this is when porn consumption takes the place of normal sex. That's a sign of addiction.

Cyran0

[salukigirl]

i think it would be pretty hard to hide an addiction to porn. the thing that bothers me about videos and stuff like that is that they depict men forcing women to do it and making it look like women enjoy being forced into sex. to me, it looks like glamorizing rape scenes basically. i would much rather have a bunch of maxims laying around the house than those kinds of videos. i have a bad history with things like that and seeing it is a big trigger and it upsets me that men can get off on things like that i guess. i think we got the whole situation out in the open and working through it. thanks cyran0.

[Cyran0]

Your welcome. And no, I don't agree with porn that depicts anything like that either.

Cyran0