Getting out of an abusive marriage

My husband is currently love bombing me. He's in the love bombing phase of abuse. Now he's showering me with loads of love and affection. The other day he tried to "normalize" his rage and abuse towards me, making it seem as though everyone fights nasty with each other that way. BS. I know better. He is trying to normalize his abuse, then love bomb me to make me forget about it and forgive him. It's not going to work.

I am trying to extricate myself from this marriage very cautiously. I am not telling him anything, while I am secretly talking to lawyers and planning my exit from the marriage and relationship..

He's explosive and volatile. The littlest thing can set him off. It's like walking through a mine field, never knowing when you may step on one.

So now he's love bombing me trying to get me to forget that he called me a B last weekend.

I am SO done. I want this to end as soon as possible. I am worn out from the abuse, and I am sick from it mentally and emotionally. It's been one long roller coaster ride with him. Ups and many downs. Too much drama, too much fighting, and nasty fighting at that.

This morning he held me in bed far longer than what I wanted. When I tried to get up, he tried to hold me down and convince me to stay. Finally, I said more firmly "I want to get up! Let me get up!" So he finally let go, kind of in a huff, and then put his hand on my back and pushed me up. I said to him "why are you pushing me?" And he said "I am helping you get up."

I want to scream.

Does he know something is up?

I don't know. I am being more distant and less affectionate. I am emotionally distancing myself and very naturally because of how he's treated me and because I think he's a monster. He will eventually catch on, if I make it obvious. I am trying hard not to be too obvious and am just playing along for the sake of self protection while I get my ducks in a row, as I mentioned before.

My parents agreed to be present when I tell him I am divorcing him. I am going (I think) to move ahead to hire a divorce attorney rather than try to mediate the divorce settlement.

I am getting my ducks in a row.

I really despise him at this stage, and I cannot wait to get him out of my life forever.

Now I don't know if my parents should be present. What if he becomes vindictive and tells them secrets of mine I shared with him but that I don't want them knowing about me? It could taint their whole view of me. Now I am scared of what he could do.

Hope, please have someone else present when you tell him you are leaving for your son protection. I'd recommend doing it in a public place too.

Parents might not be the best option. Maybe neutral person is better. Or official server could give him divorce papers. Personally if I ever had such situation, I’d ask my brother or one of my nephews to be present, they would be excellent. Do you have a brother in law or male cousin or uncle?

What could he possibly know that would make your parents think of you differently. There’s nothing I could learn about my daughter that would make me think of her different. If she was secretly a member of a Nazi Party? Maybe. Lol It’s unlikely I’d not know she had extreme views though. Who cares what he shares with your parents. And who cares what they think. We are old enough to be who we are and not worry what others think. They might not even listen to him.

Actually sometimes older generation is more tolerant than we give them credit for.

Hire a lawyer. Don’t worry about mediation

Thank you everyone.

Maybe I’ll ask my best male friend instead. he’d be more neutral but on my side and protective.

I think I will go ahead and hire the lawyer.in two weeks time when I can afford the retainer. I got a good feeling about the lawyer I spoke with today.

Oh and I definitely wouldn't want my parents knowing this one thing about me. I probably can’t mention it here. But yes. I’m a grown woman and who truly cares? My parents will still love me. That I know.

Please dont let me waver or lose my nerve. He’s being his sweet self, but I know better. Wolf in sheep’s clothing.

I’m losing my nerve. He’s love bombing me and is being his sweet loving self. All it takes is another disrespectful comment or another blowup, but right now things are smooth.

I really don’t know how to navigate this. I’m still steadfast on following my plan to not tell him until I’m ready, but it’s so hard pretending things are ok while I’m secretly planning to leave him. It’s sooo uncomfortable. There’s guilt, but I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for taking care of myself and my well being. And once his dark side comes out, at any time, he’s a total monster. I have to bare in mind at all times that he has two sides to him: Jekyll and hyde. He’s abusive. I can’t feel guilty for wanting to and planning on leaving someone who is abusive. This is soooo hard. If he were an a-hole all the time it would be easier.

I have to remember that just last weekend he was calling me a b-i-t-c-h and Was yelling at me like he hates me. This week I’m the “woman of his dreams” and the “love of his life”. BS. You don’t treat your spouse this way. Period.

No one is a-hole at all times. In order to even get a woman on one date, one needs to act nice.

Well things might be smooth and he is loving self because you don’t question anything. As long as you don’t make waves, things might be smooth for a long time. Many people in bad situations figure out that to keep things smooth, they should never rock the boat, so they don’t.

Well yes. I don’t want to endure any more abuse or explosions so I try to avoid it at all costs. This is what happens when one is being abused. You try not to set them off. It’s a very difficult situation. It’s intimidating when he yells at me throwing insults and false accusations. I have to defend myself and fight back. Who wants to endure that? Now I understand more fully what happens to women in abusive relationships. They get scared and intimidated. If someone’s yelling at you and exploding in rage at you, you think you would want to stir things up so that they scream at you again?? No...... best to keep the peace.

If I question him in any way, he explodes. This is about control and power over me, as all abusive relationships are. Of course I’m not going to say anything to set him off. It’s like an ape going bananas throwing their own feces at you. Who wants to inspire an explosion where s-h-I-t Is thrown at you, degrading you and demeaning you??? His goal is to scare and intimidate me so that I never question him. He needs all the control and power.

My goal right now is to keep the peace as much as possible and exit as soon as am I able to.

Oh I am not saying you have to question him at all. I totally understand why you wouldn’t want another fight. I just think of an explanation of his seemingly nice behavior. Maybe I misunderstood. You keep saying you feel guilty when he is nice and loving. I personally think he is nice and loving because you don’t do anything to displease him. So no reason to feel guilty. Most abusers are nice and loving when everything is done to please them. In each example when he was nasty to you, if you did what he wanted and didn’t question him, he’d be nice and loving. But it’s just not the way to live imho.

Wow! I just finished reading all of your threads, including the feedback. I'm truly sorry to hear about your situation. It's not an easy task, when it comes to ending and leaving an abusive relationship.

I think that it's really brave of you to take the position that you're in. When you're done, you're done. You're through with the rollercoaster ride, the nasty insults and accusations, as well as being hit. Who could blame you for that?

I'm going to tell you this, not to scare you, but to prepare you. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you try to leave.

So, have an emergency "grab bag". Put essentials in this bag, i.e a change of clothing, pjs, under garments, some meds if you take them. Put this bag in your trunk, or a closet where he won't find it.

Have someone you trust, preferably a protective male, with you when you do this.

Make sure that EVERYTHING is in place. Or at least as much as you can. This includes divorce lawyers and papers if possible, a protection from abuse order. Although it's "only a piece of paper", I know that in my state, if they violate it, it's a felony, rather than a slap on the wrist. Have a plan for any belongings left behind. Take pictures with a newspaper to show condition it's being left in. Make arrangements with the police to pick up your belongings. NEVER, be alone with him after you have left.

Above all, remember that this is what needs to be done for your own safety. Who likes living in minefields? Yes. He's probably going above and beyond to get you to be compliant. He's going to keep on being sweet if you are distant. Distant is not compliant. He's manipulative. Do whatever you have to, to keep yourself safe. There's no judgment here, and don't harshly judge yourself. If you were doing whatever you had to in order to survive, let's say a bear attack. Do you think that anyone would say "That mean woman! She was supposed to be the bear's meal!" And anyone who dares to judge you, shouldn't be given the time of day.

Please stay strong. Please keep posting updates. I'll continue to pray for you.

This is what is called the honeymoon phase after an incident of abuse occurs. The honeymoon phase is when the abuser showers their victim with love and affection, flowers, gifts and attention. The intention and goal is to get the victim to forget and forgive the abusive incident. If the abuser can be sooo loving, then how can they be abusive, right? The honeymoon phase is a part of the cycle of abuse. Usually following an incident is a period of calm with no abuse.

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And now I see how and why so many abused women get “hooked”. During the honeymoon phase of abuse the woman falsely believes the abuser truly loves her. But what’s really happening is more about power and control. He wants her to think he loves her, but really it’s just sheer manipulation to stop her from leaving and to keep her under his control.

I can see how easy it is to believe it’s love. But love does not include abuse. Abuse is not love. It’s only about power and control over another to assuage the abuser’s extreme insecurities and own self hatred.

I think my husband also has narcissistic traits. Everything is always about HIM and revolves around HIM. He cannot stand to have my attention diverted away from him. If I’m on the forum or immersed in my computer for a while, he always tried to gain my attention by interrupting me, showing me something on tv or trying to get me to focus on HIM. He’s very self centered and cannot give me much support when I need to talk about any issues I’m having in my life. He can only tolerate it for so long. He’s also critical of every move I make at work and always thinks I’m approaching things the wrong way. He doesn’t give me any real support.

I cannot believe how much I’ve put up with and dealt with from him.

There was a time when I thought the honeymoon phases could sustain the relationship. But not anymore because now I see it all as a manipulation.

I see him for who he truly is.

If only I had the guts to leave him just before we married when he blew up at me for not buying him a $300 pair of pants for the wedding. I knew in my gut then that he is abusive. At the time, I didn’t want to face a second failed engagement, I didn’t want to lose $7,000 that I paid for our vacation/honeymoon, and I didn’t want to lose out on having a vacation when I hadn’t had one in 15-20 years.

I knew on our wedding day when he blew up at me yet again that morning. Then we only made love once on our whole honeymoon because we were fighting or at odds half the time. He was grumpy and difficult the first two days because he didn’t have any weed. It was only then that I realized he’s an addict and can’t get by without it.

Wow. If only I had had the guts. But I didn’t. I couldn’t pull the trigger. I couldn’t face it then.

I guess at least I’m facing it now regardless. One year of marriage. Two and a half years of my life in total.

I hope turning 50 brings better things in life for me.

Talked to a close girlfriend who is 55, single, never married and happy. I want to just be single and happy. No more relationships for me. I’m done. Too many toxic relationships... i can see myself being very happy and fulfilled being single. Ive had it. Throwing in the towel and choosing a different road.

Predictable. He bought me flowers today. He’s trying to woo me back again because last weekend I screamed at him saying he enrages me and that I’m fed up with him.

I hoped he eventually paid his half for wedding and vacation. That’s a ton of money. Half of it sounds more reasonable.

I hope in the future you’ll see endings of relationships not as failures but as victories. Recognizing red flags and getting out isn’t a failure at all.

He did not pay for any of the vacation/honeymoon/wedding. I paid for the entire thing, including extras that we purchased while there. I spent over $8,000.

What a mistake.

And thanks so. much..... I really like that viewpoint!!!

Along those lines, at least I am getting myself out now vs 5-10 years from now. The writing is on the wall, and I know it's time to exit and asap. I refuse to waste the next ten years of my life living an emotional roller coaster, getting yelled at and mistreated periodically, being drained of all my extra funds, and being ultimately, unhappy. Life is FAR too short, as they say, and I believe in being happy!!!!!

So I did him a favor and went with him into the city today to watch the stealth bombers fly overhead when I had ZERO interest or care.

Then when it comes to doing something I want to do like watch some live music of a band I know and love, he complains about it saying he wants to go out to get food. I told him I want to watch this show and don’t want to leave the house now.

On top of this, once again he makes me wait to eat when I’m starving and waiting around for him to get his act together.

He’s such a selfish SOB.