Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

YES - that's another bonus and benefit that I must add to my list of what I don't have to deal with anymore.

I am middle of the road on new years. I've spent many new years eve at a concert with a boyfriend/partner and friends. I've also stayed home for a low key night in.

This year is a first in that I will be alone. I do not recall being alone on new years eve in a very long time.

It's just the way it is right now - I am alone, I am forced to be alone, and perhaps there's something good that can come of it - like learning to be by myself and be OK with it.

Learning to be alone is a good lesson. No matter how life plays out, any of us can be alone at any time. Knowing how to be alone and enjoy it, is important skill.

Very important - it's kind of ironic to me that now I am forced to learn how to be alone with myself - between covid, unemployment and a divorce. I have typically flitted from one relationship to the next, with very little time in between, like just a few months. I think I was alone for 8 months once, and that was the longest stretch I had gone without a relationship. This time will be very different.

Your last post made me think you entered some questionable relationships because you didn’t want to be alone or were bored, not because they were so great. I remember sometimes dating because I was bored or didn’t want to be alone, not because I even wanted a relationship. I remember when I was very busy, I’d not consider dating because I didn’t have idle time. I know now people have too much idle time because many activities are suspended. I hope job prospects will resurface soon.

Oh, that's exactly accurate about me - I have usually entered into a relationship because I have not had enough going on in my life and then I'm very lonely so a man has filled that void that I should be filling for myself!

So NOW, I wish to build or rebuild my life in a way that is far more fulfilling for me. I want to fill my life up with friends, with music events, physical activities and hobbies and interests.. of course, once covid passes and once life normalizes again.

For the first time perhaps ever I feel equipped to go solo and to build my life as I want it to be.

I don't know what brought me to this particular place mentally and perhaps it's after EIGHT abusive relationships!!! LOL.

And perhaps I'm a lot stronger now and can truly stand on my own two feet without a man being around. Perhaps it's age, wisdom, experience and maturity that has finally brought me to this place.

I think in the past I used to feel far more insecure if I did not have a partner. It's HARD going out alone by yourself into a crowd of people where SO many are coupled up. And that's what I used to do. But now? Eh. Who cares if I am alone!

Now I feel somewhat GUILTY for telling my husband I am FAR happier without him AND that he dragged me down in every way. While it's the TRUTH, it was hurtful of me. I do not like being hurtful, yet he brings it out in me or provokes me and I say hurtful things in reply. I feel hurt by HIM, so I turn around and hurt him back.

This is most toxic.

I can understand that, I’m not sure how much you’re actually hurting him though, rather than providing “kibbles” of attention - he doesn’t think the same way as you do. All attention is good, even the negative, for most narcs if not all of them.
A healthy goal here would be to eventually reach indifference.

Excellent point! I keep thinking he thinks like I do - I have to get it into my thick skull that he's wired completely differently than me!!!

Sometimes the TRUTH needs to be said about how we feel whether it hurts or not. It would be something to feel guilty about If that was NOT how you truly felt but said it to only be hurtful.

I believe in bad relationships where we want out & the other person is trying to CLING ON that hurtful is sometimes necessary.. it doesn't necessarily mean toxic.....sometimes it is the only way to cut THEIR TIES & make it final.....this can be in marriage or just friendships that need to be ended. But we have to cut communications at that point too. I just don't mess around with people I don't want in my life any more. I take a stand so they don't wonder about my thoughts....then I end the communication or friendship & if on social media, block if it becomes necessary. I have no tolerance for other people crap any more. Used to just let it slide & ignore. Now I take actions & remove. Yes, age, wisdom....& a lot of self-confidence

Thank you.

I did not say it to be hurtful in fact. I said it to be honest and forthcoming with him on how I truly feel.

I like what you wrote here - maybe subconsciously it was MY way of telling him from a new angle that this is truly over between us - that he made me unhappy and that I am far happier without him.

I don't have time for people's crap either. I am far too old for this.

We are conditioned to feel guilty. I feel guilty over things quite often.

In case of your husband I’d not worry about him feeling hurt. His way of dealing with hurt over police (supposedly) being called was immediately get another woman. He likely will do the same now. He endeared you to him but telling you how he was abused by his ex. He likely will tell women that he ran and escaped your abuse. He’d be on a look out for next victim soon if isn’t already. I doubt he is crying being hurt. He is too busy figuring out his next move and building a narrative.

Thanks @divine1966.

I'm sure you're right. I feel guilty because I'm nice. But you're right - I shouldn't feel too guilty, and all I said was the truth to him.

Feeling guilty is very normal.

Yes, I suppose it is!

On my abuse Facebook group, one woman told me that my husband is probably experiencing narcissistic injury because I am leaving and it hits his ego HARD. This woman told me to watch out now because once he truly accepts that it's over, he will do anything and everything to hurt me.

She knows because she too married a narcissist.

It's the new year, and I am still in the thick of a separation and pending divorce. I cannot file papers myself because it costs $250 more - money I do not have except for from the bank loan.

My husband has tried two angles so far to get me to delay the divorce - one angle was that he goes to therapy for the next several months, while we continue to live apart, and then eventually, he moves back in. I said no. The other angle was that we stay married for several more months so that he can continue paying my health insurance to help me out. I said no, and I will work on getting my own health insurance through the government.

No wonder he suddenly flipped and said "I don't want to be married to you either". He is just trying to hurt me. Unfortunately, it worked and I reacted.

I am really sick of all of this and cannot believe I still have to go through it for God knows how long.

I told him on no uncertain terms that he must have all his crap out of the apartment by the end of this month. He stored his crap in his ex wife's home FOR THREE YEARS AFTER they had separated!!! He was going to allow ME to KEEP HIS security deposit of $900 because I need the money and don't have the money to pay him. So yesterday I told him keep your $900 because you'll need it to hire movers by the end of the month.

All I can say is HE BETTER hire movers and he better get all his stuff out of here as agreed upon by Jan 31. I will be beyond livid if he tries to drag this out any further.

After paying his deposit back to him, now I have no savings of my own left and I have only the 14K bank loan to rely on within my savings.

This is dire straights.

I need the stimulus package to pass soon so I can receive extra unemployment benefits. I won't qualify for the stimulus check, unfortunately. But still, I need a job ASAP. I need my problems to be resolved ASAP. I cannot live off this bank loan and I really cannot go deep into debt.

I am really scared.

I hope you press for a full explanation for what to expect from your lawyer. You have a sister who is a lawyer. You got this!

If you are thinking he will file first when he doesn’t want the divorce you are likely kidding yourself.

You are separated now. The emotional rehashing happening is separate from the legal process of getting divorced. I really want to stress this importance to you and now I’ll bow out.

@TishaBuv, I had proposed to him that we file jointly because it's cheapest. I know he won't file on his own.

Not sure what you mean by your last two sentences? Yes, it is separate from the legal process of divorce logistically, but emotionally, it's all a part of the same process for me. You seem frustrated and I don't understand why?

Why wouldn’t you qualify for stimulus check? Did you two make more than 150k adjusted gross income? Even if you made more you qualify for reduced stimulus. If you truly make that much how is it possible you have no savings? Where did the money go? I hope it didn’t go into anything that he could take a hold of it, like retirement funds.

Why did you give him deposit back before divorce even started? He lives in someone else’s place what does he need it for? You didn’t file for divorce yet so don’t give him any money please. Plus doesn’t he still owe you money? Did he pay his half for wedding and honeymoon or whatever other expenses?

You got to file for divorce. Like on Monday. Start looking for a cheaper place. Start very active job search like all day every day and perhaps start looking for out of state too.

You’ll have to use bank loan. It’s not that much money. You could pay it back.

Thanks, divine.

We collectively made more than 150K last year. If we get a reduced check, that will help. Please remember that I have been unemployed since July. I have had to use my savings to meet my monthly expenses, to pay a lawyer AND to give him his deposit back. Now I just have the bank loan.

I gave him his deposit back so that he has NO excuse to not hire movers by the end of this month. I know him very well, and he would turn it around on ME saying that he has no money for movers because he gave that $900 to me. I want his stuff gone, so it's worthwhile to me to suck up the $900 right now.

I think maybe tisha meant that you are saying or at least said before that you are divorcing or in a process of divorce or going through divorce. But if you didn’t file, you are not in a process of divorce at all. My ex husband and I lived apart separated for a year before we filed, we never said we are in a process of divorce or divorcing until we actually filed for divorce. Separation and divorce isn’t the same thing. Many people actually reconcile after separation. You aren’t divorcing your husband yet.

I’d not be negotiating with him. Unless you want to stay separated for awhile which is actually a valid option, I’d file for divorce

That is semantics - purely semantics and logistics. We ARE in the process of a divorce. His lawyer is drafting the divorce agreement right now. I have hired and paid a lawyer, who has spoken with his lawyer. We've been separated for one month. There is no going back. Why does it have to be you're not divorcing until someone files? Who cares? We are going through a divorce - and we will get a divorce. We are in the midst of a divorce. This is really silly to make a point of whether we are in the beginning, middle or end of a divorce.

It’s really mind boggling to me. If you two made that much money how can’t he not afford movers. I could afford movers on 50k. Everyone can afford movers. What’s going on. Maybe he needs to quit weed. Or whatever other BS that eats his pay check

Apartment deposit is given back when you are moving out. I doubt landlord would give partial deposit when one person is moving out? Don’t know. Never had that situation but able bodied man should have money for movers or should have a place to borrow it from or he shouldn't be getting married

So you gave him money out of your own bank account so he can move crap out. I hate this guy. He is still living off you and you don’t even have a job!

If you already hired a divorce lawyer and working on agreement, id say you are in the process.

I know, right? I also did it because one of his cats requires dental work that costs $1000, and I do NOT want to be the reason why the cat cannot have the work done. I just know that he will find SOME WAY to blame me and use the money against me IF I kept it.

He is officially moving out and is owed this deposit money. That's how it worked out with our landlord - I pay my husband his portion of the deposit and a roommate will pay me OR the landlord pays ME the full deposit when I move out.

Remember, my husband is a BIG spender. He doesn't know how to budget and he runs out of money before his next paycheck nearly every single month.