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  #501  
Old Jan 17, 2021, 05:16 PM
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He actually proposed taking three months to move back in until I’m comfortable and while he seeks help. So it’s not what you think.
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  #502  
Old Jan 17, 2021, 05:31 PM
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divine1966 divine1966 is offline
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
He actually proposed taking three months to move back in until I’m comfortable and while he seeks help. So it’s not what you think.
Oh ok I didn’t know that. So did you agree? Is that why he isn’t moving stuff out?
  #503  
Old Jan 17, 2021, 05:41 PM
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Oh ok I didn’t know that. So did you agree? Is that why he isn’t moving stuff out?
I did not agree. He moved more stuff today.
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  #504  
Old Jan 18, 2021, 05:50 AM
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It's my conditioning from my father. I am used to being dismissed, overlooked and ignored. I am used to a male being the central focus. I am used to his needs coming first and mine coming last. My work ahead is to break this conditioning.

I am now angry over my husband's response to my ex fiance's death. I cannot believe he had to make MY grief all about HIM. HIs response to me was APPALLING. Just appalling.

Why am I still surprised by his extremely self absorbed behavior? Each and every time, it shocks me. I told him he's a MONSTER.

He is not human - he's the devil incarnate. I think he has many demons to contend with. The things he does are not normal behavior whatsoever. I couldn't believe that he tried to argue with me about US and our relationship on the day of my grieving a loss.

Then after I told him he's a monster and to leave me alone? He does a complete 180 and tried to comfort and console me. He kept contacting me to offer his help. Yeah, right. I don't need YOUR help, thank you very much.

It was a mistake on my part to even tell him. I was rattled, and I told him. I need to THINK first BEFORE texting and BEFORE acting. I often will act on my emotions - I need to stop doing that.

I am pissed off this morning.
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Last edited by Have Hope; Jan 18, 2021 at 06:09 AM.
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  #505  
Old Jan 18, 2021, 06:25 AM
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And he keeps telling me how unhappy and miserable he is without me. He says his life is empty now. He thinks that if he hammers away on that point, that I will somehow change my mind?

I have told him:

I don't love you anymore
my feelings have changed
I don't view you the same way as I once did
I can never trust you again - you ruined my trust in you
you cannot make me happy

And he STILL argues with me over this.
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  #506  
Old Jan 18, 2021, 07:07 AM
TishaBuv TishaBuv is offline
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Double WOW. I am APPALLED.

Please don't ask why or chastise me but I told my husband that I just learned my ex fiance

Possible trigger:


And his reply was simply to accuse ME of not having any empathy for HIM, and of not having an ability to forgive. He couldn't even offer to me his sympathies about my ex fiance.

I told him in response that he is an absolute MONSTER. That his true colors are showing and that he doesn't deserve my forgiveness.
I may be confusing your old threads. Was your ex fiancé an acquaintance of your h’s from the concert crowd. Did they once have a conversation about porn?
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  #507  
Old Jan 18, 2021, 07:09 AM
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I may be confusing your old threads. Was your ex fiancé an acquaintance of your h’s from the concert crowd. Did they once have a conversation about porn?
Good memory, @TishaBuv! Although that person you speak of is a different ex from my ex fiance. My husband only knows of my ex fiance. They never met, and my ex fiance lived in another state down south.
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  #508  
Old Jan 18, 2021, 07:17 AM
TishaBuv TishaBuv is offline
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Good memory, @TishaBuv! Although that person you speak of is a different ex from my ex fiance. My husband only knows of my ex fiance. They never met, and my ex fiance lived in another state down south.
Thanks for clarifying. I was wondering, if your h knew him, why he didn’t say he felt bad he has passed (aside from not giving you condolences). You are really reaching to keep wanting loving behavior and validation from a man who didn’t give you that while you were together. You are banging your head in the wall. I doubt my h would give me condolences on any ex of mine who passed, even at the best of relationship times because he’d be jealous to even hear about them.

When divorcing, do people typically keep daily contact and keep a close emotional relationship, and seeking validation? I see how you are all over the place emotionally, back and forth on this. (Someone even more shaky may be doing this dance for 25 years )

I understand it is very emotional for you and you have plenty of mixed feelings about your ex’s passing. I’m sorry it happened.
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  #509  
Old Jan 18, 2021, 07:20 AM
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Thanks for clarifying. I was wondering, if your h knew him, why he didn’t say he felt bad he has passed (aside from not giving you condolences). You are really reaching to keep wanting loving behavior and validation from a man who didn’t give you that while you were together. You are banging your head in the wall. I doubt my h would give me condolences on any ex of mine who passed, even at the best of relationship times because he’d be jealous to even hear about them.

When divorcing, do people typically keep daily contact and keep a close emotional relationship, and seeking validation? I see how you are all over the place emotionally, back and forth on this. (Someone even more shaky may be doing this dance for 25 years )

I understand it is very emotional for you and you have plenty of mixed feelings about your ex’s passing. I’m sorry it happened.
@TishaBuv,

He did eventually offer his condolences, but only AFTER I got fed up and called him a monster.

Oh, I am well aware of the dance I am doing right now. Perhaps it's something I just need to experience and go through myself in order to truly learn.

At least I am leaving an abusive marriage early on and before it gets far worse. The writing is on the wall, and I am proud of myself for leaving him, despite all his begging and pleading and tears. I should actually be celebrating my strength right now, rather than feel down on myself for trying to talk reasonably with someone who is unreasonable.

I know that it's futile, and that is becoming more and more clear to me.

And thanks so much regarding my ex fiance. SO sad and SO tragic.
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  #510  
Old Jan 18, 2021, 08:15 AM
TishaBuv TishaBuv is offline
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
@TishaBuv,

He did eventually offer his condolences, but only AFTER I got fed up and called him a monster.

Oh, I am well aware of the dance I am doing right now. Perhaps it's something I just need to experience and go through myself in order to truly learn.

At least I am leaving an abusive marriage early on and before it gets far worse. The writing is on the wall, and I am proud of myself for leaving him, despite all his begging and pleading and tears. I should actually be celebrating my strength right now, rather than feel down on myself for trying to talk reasonably with someone who is unreasonable.

I know that it's futile, and that is becoming more and more clear to me.

And thanks so much regarding my ex fiance. SO sad and SO tragic.
I agree and am glad to see you get out of a bad situation. Also, your h is more of a drain on you than an asset, financially, emotionally, things you like to do. You have a few things in common you both enjoy. There is also substance abuse issue.
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Thanks for this!
Have Hope, RoxanneToto
  #511  
Old Jan 18, 2021, 08:25 AM
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I agree and am glad to see you get out of a bad situation. Also, your h is more of a drain on you than an asset, financially, emotionally, things you like to do. You have a few things in common you both enjoy. There is also substance abuse issue.

@TishaBuv, thank you!!!

You said it!!!! He IS a drain on me in SO many ways. And he continues to drain me. I had a nice respite from him yesterday with very little texting and no arguing. We don't need to talk today either for any reason, so I get more of a break from him.

And yes, he has substance abuse issues, or addiction rather. I have been drinking more lately, but I know I can curb the habit and I don't need alcohol in order to feel good or right side up in my life.
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  #512  
Old Jan 18, 2021, 11:54 AM
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eskielover eskielover is offline
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I have been drinking more lately, but I know I can curb the habit and I don't need alcohol in order to feel good or right side up in my life.
Problem with alcohol (or any drugs) is that not only is it a depressant but it also keeps us from thinking clearly & being good at problem solving even when we try to convince ourselves otherwise
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  #513  
Old Jan 18, 2021, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by eskielover View Post


Problem with alcohol (or any drugs) is that not only is it a depressant but it also keeps us from thinking clearly & being good at problem solving even when we try to convince ourselves otherwise
Yes, however I am allowing it. It's a pandemic, I am home alone most of the time isolated from people, I am enduring an arduous job search and unemployment, and I am going through a nasty breakup and divorce. I think many people would be drinking if they were in my shoes. Many people may not even be able to manage and cope with all that I am enduring.
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  #514  
Old Jan 18, 2021, 01:51 PM
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I'm watching Thelma and Louise right now. And it's quite significant to me at this moment in time. Abuse, over time, effects a person's mental health very negatively. I am testimony to that happening. I have unraveled emotionally, I have let loose on my husband in absolute and sheer rages on and off via texts, and I am not all there right now. Thelma went off the rails because of her abusive husband. And Louise? She was raped and then shot the man who tried to rape Thelma.

Obviously, I will not turn to a life of crime! But this movie is very suitable right now for my mood and the state of my mental health. I don't think people realize how much abuse unravels a person emotionally and mentally.
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  #515  
Old Jan 18, 2021, 05:23 PM
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eskielover eskielover is offline
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
Yes, however I am allowing it. It's a pandemic, I am home alone most of the time isolated from people, I am enduring an arduous job search and unemployment, and I am going through a nasty breakup and divorce. I think many people would be drinking if they were in my shoes. Many people may not even be able to manage and cope with all that I am enduring.
Yet....many can who have actually learned functional coping skills
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  #516  
Old Jan 18, 2021, 05:32 PM
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Originally Posted by eskielover View Post


Yet....many can who have actually learned functional coping skills
Yeah. I hear you. I don't have that right now.
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  #517  
Old Jan 19, 2021, 06:42 AM
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And.... once again, my husband tries to cross boundaries by asking ME to research cheap movers for HIM. WTF? What am I to him? A servant? A bank? I told him no, yet again.

I am getting better at strengthening my boundaries with him. I've said no to extra money, to researching movers and to emotionally supporting him when he thought he had covid.
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Thanks for this!
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  #518  
Old Jan 19, 2021, 07:05 AM
RoxanneToto RoxanneToto is offline
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Good for you for not letting him use you. He’s old enough to be responsible, the fact he wants to act like a helpless child isn’t your problem now.
Thanks for this!
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  #519  
Old Jan 19, 2021, 07:14 AM
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Originally Posted by RoxanneToto View Post
Good for you for not letting him use you. He’s old enough to be responsible, the fact he wants to act like a helpless child isn’t your problem now.
@RoxanneToto, thank you, dear.

SO true! He IS acting like a helpless child. He's not my problem anymore though. And I have far more important tasks and issues to tackle right now.
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  #520  
Old Jan 19, 2021, 04:07 PM
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I'm having heart pangs - I think because I really miss having a partner to share my life with. I have reconsidered my husband several times now. Yes, I have - of course I have. His pleading got to me and got to my heart. But I know it's all lies and a front. I know he's full of BS and I know that it's simply just manipulation. I know all this. But a part of me wishes we didn't have to divorce. A huge part of me wishes he had been a different man - a far better man - and someone I didn't feel I had to leave. I sooo wish this had turned out differently. I cannot believe where I am at right now.

And he's acting all normal now. As though we're friends or as though we're on good terms. We're back to being cordial now as we coordinate details about switching the cable account to my name. We both had to complete paperwork, he has to scan the documents at his work, then email them to me so that I can upload them. What a royal pain in the butt! Geez. Could they make it any more difficult and arduous?

But yeah, he's acting as though things are fine between us, when I am bitter.
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  #521  
Old Jan 20, 2021, 09:16 AM
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He is hoovering me big time.

I know in my mind that it's pure manipulation, all lies and smoke screen. I know that he wouldn't TRULY change his ways. I know that if he sees a therapist, that he will simply manipulate the therapist and would find a way to blame ME or to place equal responsibility on ME for our fights, which he starts each and every time. I know that him wanting me back is simply so that he can maintain control over me. I know that he wants to be the one to leave me. I know that IF I went back, it would hurt even more than it has. And I know that he would set out to destroy me completely, while being able to leave on his terms. Right now, it's all on my terms, and he's probably suffering a narcissistic injury.
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  #522  
Old Jan 20, 2021, 11:00 AM
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From one of. my abuse groups on Facebook:

"Ghosting a narcissist is a huge blow to their ego, one that causes a huge narcissistic injury and can potentially even lead to a narcissistic collapse (especially if they are struggling to line up replacement supply).

If you discard the narcissist and this catches them by surprise and in their view they are not ‘done' with you yet, expect them to give you the fight of your life to stay with them.

The narcissist needs to be the one doing the discarding, otherwise this inevitably causes them to accept their lack of control over you and lack of self-worth for being discarded. This forces them to see their ‘real-self' which is the vulnerable/ insecure person they spend their entire life running from.

You can expect the narcissist to try and reach out to you, and for all of the good things you ever saw in the narcissist to re-surface when they do. This is to confuse you and make you doubt your decision for leaving. Narcs are good at making you feel like you are letting go a part of yourself/ soul for leaving them. This is why it is important to cut ties and go no contact asap, otherwise they will try and reel you back in."
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Thanks for this!
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  #523  
Old Jan 21, 2021, 06:33 AM
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I was soooo excited last night about my job offer and SO happy, that I picked up the phone when my husband called to congratulate me. We talked and I told him about the job. I had been sad that I couldn't actually celebrate in person with him, but when he threw a pitch in to the conversation to get back together, I had to tell him once again, that my feelings towards him have changed. I wanted to tell him about my job though. This is SO hard. Harder than I ever could have imagined. I think it's only natural that I wanted to share my great news though.

I told him I cannot see him in person - he is coming over tonight to move more things, he asked if he could see me, and I said no.

Apparently, I am still not good at boundaries, but I am trying.
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Last edited by Have Hope; Jan 21, 2021 at 07:05 AM.
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  #524  
Old Jan 21, 2021, 07:07 AM
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I thought you were going to wait to tell him, you’ll need to tell because of health insurance but he didn’t need to know now. He’s going to start asking you for money even more than now and you’d likely pay for him picking up his stuff. He isn’t in a hurry to get his stuff. Well he hopes to move right back in.
Thanks for this!
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  #525  
Old Jan 21, 2021, 07:11 AM
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I thought you were going to wait to tell him, you’ll need to tell because of health insurance but he didn’t need to know now. He’s going to start asking you for money even more than now and you’d likely pay for him picking up his stuff. He isn’t in a hurry to get his stuff. Well he hopes to move right back in.
I told him because he can take me off his health insurance in a month, so I wanted him to know he only needs to pay for one more month for me.

Like I was saying above, I am not good at boundaries and definitely need to keep working at it. It was SO hard not to share the good news with him. I was beaming with joy and I was all alone in my apartment, celebrating by my lonesome self - not fun. All I wanted was for him to be here to celebrate with me. I think my feelings are conflicted. Maybe I still care for him. I'm confused.
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