Degenerating relationship with my mother

Twice in the past week, my mother has accused me of lacking compassion with her, mainly because of a family rift (see my sister-in-law lashed out at me). Both times, it has resulted in mother getting upset and accusing me of not being able to see it from her perspective.

She has a habit of washing dirty linen in public. For anyone not familiar with expression, it's talking to casual acquaintances about family issues. Then she acts hurt when someone passes comments that challenge her. Okay, in the instance that's caused the latest problem, the person's choice of words not the best but I can agree with his sentiment. My brother has been absent due to Covid restrictions but managed a visit on Mothers Day. His first for months. Has promised to do jobs for her (mostly outside ones) then failed to deliver.

Today, she asked me to clarify a comment made last weekend about a new friend I have; albeit we've only met online. He's been very supportive and I have no reason to question that he's genuine. She wanted to know what I meant by comment that "I didn't want to lose him". I'd had a really bad morning just before that weekend and he'd sent me a lovely, unrelated, e-mail. He still doesn't know that this message was perfectly timed and lifted me out of a very dark mood. She only wanted to know what I've told him about the "family situation". I explained my comment as if I did tell him everything that went on, then that could be the result. I doubt it but there's always a nagging one due to past experiences (not with him!).

My grandmother (her mother) had exactly the same personality. My mother is the same although she denies it. I have fought and continue to fight to avoid becoming nasty. As my friend pointed out recently, you recognise that changing your mindset will provide more positive experiences. I then realised that I had become very blinkered.

I can liken her attitude to me being in a cage and she's constantly poking a stick through the bars. We all know what that does....

This is always a tough accusation to defend against. Lately, when I have been accused of this, I pray that I show compassion when I should be compassionate. Most of us want to be compassionate and some of us feel like if we show others enough compassion that it will be healing for them--and I do think that compassion helps others. It is a worthy goal. However, for the sake of our own sanity, there are some people that we have to detach from (at least part of the time) because constant empathy that is not reciprocated, can be exhausting. So though we want to be compassionate, it is important to recognize that with some people we have to recognize when they are saying unfair or untrue things and not enable them by showing compassion when they are being mean. There are people who act really terrible, then after they apologize (the apology took them about 1 or 2 minutes ) expect you to be compassionate even though they just pummeled you for a very long time. We can learn to recognize this and not be gaslighted by their accusations. I hope that you can get to the point where you do not fall for unfair guilt trips and accusations.

Thanks TunedOut

The points you've made make a lot of sense. Just got to stage, possibly due to lockdown(s), where I no longer want to be a punchbag. My mother has always been a difficult person (due to her mother's attitude).

I read somewhere (maybe on this site) that when confronted with this unacceptable behaviour, it was best to walk away and not react. Well, react or not, she still levels all the vitriol at me. So damned if you do and damned if you don't.

The list of people who've upset her is growing. Neighbours, my aunt and now me. Easter Sunday lunch will be interesting...

From what you have shared it sounds like your mother doesn’t really have a life and tends to make your life and your brothers like her life. Perhaps she never grew out of her parenting role being her life. She is your mother yet her role of mothering you and your brother has changed because you are both grown adults now.

Does your mother have hobbies and interests that keep her busy?

So Sorry that this is happening. i partly agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about trying not to feel too guilty about this. i think some people simply do their best to try and be compassionate so i'd suggest to simply analyze yourself if you feel like you aren't enough. Just keep striving to be your best self at least in my opinion. Please do not give up. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @poshgirl, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

OpenEyes

Thanks; your comments again very accurate.

No, she doesn't have any hobbies as such. She's interested in gardening but due to limited mobility has to employ a gardener. She recently bought a book which almost immediately was offered to me to read. It's sitting on the unit in her bedroom untouched. Can only knit for a short time, due to arthritic fingers, so simple things like squares for a blanket or scarves. Watches well-known shopping channel to "get ideas". Reads magazines (not gossip ones!). Has admitted that she sits and thinks about situations. That's where the problem lies. To be blunt she has a closed mind. Imagines all sorts of things, either exaggerated real situations or everyone's against her.

Main problem is she thinks everything revolves around her. When I had my "dark moment" last week, I thought about what would happen when lockdown ends. Didn't have to wait long to work it out. When I told her about the episode, all she could think about was taking overdose/suicide. All I'd done was have a good cry!

I could go on but it's more of the same theme....

Sometimes that’s what happens where a parent teaches a child that they need to be the center of attention. It can be handed down from one generation to the next. How old is your mother? Is she 65 or is it you that’s 65?

Thanks Open Eyes

I'm 65, she's 85.

Talking to my aunt the other evening, I bemoaned fact that "at my age I shouldn't have to deal with so much aggro". Her answer "we forget how old you are".

I recognise the bad deal my mother was dealt, being widowed at 25 with two children under 5. Poor choice of next husband, who had few parenting skills.

Perhaps she is trying to cling onto the last vestiges of a life she wanted, not what actually happened.

Well, at 85 your mother isn't going to change. Also, her behavior is most likely just her effort to have some kind of relevance. And she most likely sits around thinking about these same things over and over because she doesn't have much else to think about.

Open Eyes

Excellent observations! My aunt has commented that my mother needs to get more interests. Then all these negative thoughts would be consigned to back of her brain. At the moment, they're destructive.

My brother, sister-in-law and niece there this afternoon. Not psychic but know how that will go. She won't change, as the nastiness has gone on for over 50 years. Tomorrow's lunch will be interesting. She called me this morning to advise of their visit and told me she wanted roast lamb. Had to advise that chosen store hadn't got any joints left so we have roast pork. Just my luck if it's tough

I think on your end it’s important to understand that at this point you are not going to change your mother. It’s simply often too much effort on her part to change who she has been and navigated all her life. And it probably frustrates her to have the limitations that her older body and mind present.

Thanks OpenEyes

Agree with you that she's frustrated her body is giving up.

Sunday lunch wasn't great. She hadn't got over the fact it wasn't lamb. Started snapping and snarling at me. really wasn't interested in anything I had to say, even bad reaction to insect bit a few days ago.

Brother hadn't done any jobs for her during his visit. Great! Loose fence panel in garden beyond my capability, but she hadn't bothered to ask him. So that will be a topic for further moans...

And I didn't have to wait long for the next outburst.

Delivered her grocery shopping and could tell by attitude that I wasn't going to escape another load of vitriol. Usual subject, no compassion for her. It's obvious that I'm expected to heal the family rift. All the usual stuff levelled at me (it's a long story but she doesn't like being confronted with how she's behaved over the years).

Unfortunately, I raised other issues including the way she's constantly complaining about my aunt. Constant conversations on the subject that stop me doing things for her. Mother is now moaning that no one does anything for her; she's got to do it all herself! Claims house is dirty, she's not getting dressed most days. Advised her to be more positive. She's now wondering who I've been talking to.

Sorry to say, I was losing my cool. Stopped short of saying it was emotional blackmail. What I did say was that how ever many times she believed that I should make first move with sister-in-law, I've said it's not going to happen. It totally sends out the wrong moral message. If I apologise, there will be something to replace it.

My parting words were she can get someone else to do her shopping as I no longer want to be the punchbag. I then walked out. Just wondering how much more I can take of this. Of course, it's all my fault!

This part sounds like setting boundaries (with practice, it will be easier to say, sometimes , without losing your cool). It might be OK (and good) to occasionally shop for her but can you just quickly drop the things off and leave? Can she send a list via text or email? Not sure this is applicable but sometimes we can find ways to help out but also not take abuse. If she sends a nasty email or text--don't respond to it. Just respond to the nice ones (if this applies).


Wrote this (above) quickly--perhaps try not to say get "someone else to do the shopping" but saying you need to take a break from the venting (and leaving before it becomes too much for you) can be a good way to manage it. I can't remember if she is your mother or mother-in-law.

Not sure if this is applicable but, BTY, I am like my mother is some ways so some of the things that I found annoying about my mother as a child (but put up with other than rolling my eyes which she always called me on ) -- I probably did/do some of them to my own children/husband without even always being totally aware of it (especially in the past) so if they can't take it when I act the way she acted then is that karma/getting what I deserve/etc?

But when she says you aren't compassioanate--in my book, our deeds say more than our words so if you are shopping for her and doing other things to help her--you are.

((poshgirl)), keep in mind that as you learn more about how individuals manipulate and other things that tend to be dysfunctional behaviors, given your mother's age and generation, often these behaviors were common. Then you have your mother's history where she was often abandoned emotionally and other wise. It's not unusual for a person to want things and yet struggle to be able to get these things to happen. Yes, your mother is reaching out for help to get challenges she has resolved, as people age and become more dependent, they tend to fixate on certain things more. Along with this tends to come a repetitive request or venting of frustration. When a person is older like your mother, this simply won't change and as she progresses in age there will be a time where she slowly declines. So expecting her to learn to change by walking away simply isn't going to change her behaviors. Also, when a person ages they lose more control over their lives and this contributes to behaviors that can get annoying like you describe.

When it comes to aging, professionals learn to basically do what is called "memory care" and all the focus is on helping the individual function based on whatever that individual "can" remember and function with. There is no effort to change the individual's personality traits, only to avoid things that tend to stress or upset the individual.

This is typical of how an elderly individual does less as they age.

Thanks Tuned Out and OpenEyes

Sound advice/views as usual.

She's never embraced technology so won't get text/e-mail. Keep trying this strategy of walking out when the abuse starts, but it doesn't work. Although claiming that her memory is failing, she still remembers everyone who has "done her wrong". As I've said before, it's a long and growing list.

I appreciate what can happen as we age. It's something we can't avoid! Having witnessed this behaviour for as long as I can remember, I know she is not going to change. Even when she was younger, if I challenged anything unacceptable that she said, it would be met with insults (perhaps just to restore her authority). I was again told today that I showed her no respect. At 65 years of age, I don't need this, but the only response I got was "so what". I've always been a different character from other close family members and have been punished for it over the years. Know I appear to be expecting too much, but I thought a few weeks ago we'd finally achieved some sort of positive relationship. Now it seems it hasn't even survived lockdown (whichever version).

TunedOut

Thanks for your additional response.

I realise we all adopt family traits, to a lesser or greater extent, but I have been trying for years to be accepted for who I am not who she thinks I should be. So maybe I have two personalities. My sister-in-law once told me I was just like my mother. My response, after thinking what a cheek, was "no I'm not, I can make decisions". She's also commented to others about how my mother speaks to me, then behaves in such an unacceptable way, probably just because she thought she could.

I continue to work very hard to avoid becoming exactly like my mother. There has been so much resentment levelled at me over the years. From my traumatic birth to she had lovely thick hair until she had me. Then over the years it's become obvious my (younger) brother is favourite. There's even been criticism of the way I breathe. A respiratory infection many years ago left me with sometimes noisy breathing. Oh and I daren't roll my eyes because then I'm being melodramatic. Yes, that's one trait I've inherited.

I know it may appear mean but I'm not visiting this weekend. My aunt advised me that I perhaps go too often. I'm still upset that she cannot (or will not) see that I did not cause the family rift. I know the reason why she won't address it with my brother or sister-in-law is because they produced her only grandchild. Sister-in-law is volatile and could withdraw access.

Open Eyes

Mother's comment about having to do everything herself is a direct contradiction to her independent nature. She's wanted to retain some independence. Doing her own washing, light cleaning, preparing meals, etc.

However, she's not eating properly. Contents of freezer mostly untouched, living on breakfast cereal for main meal. Then she keeps saying she wants a new ironing board because last one was too heavy. I've suggested she would find even the smallest one difficult, but subject comes up frequently.

Advised her nearly two weeks ago that she needs a medication review with doctor (phone call). Still not arranged so I can't order what she needs until that's happened.

Realise our ability to do certain things diminishes with age. I was painting my hall yesterday and knew I couldn't do it in one go! Mother's closed mind and aggressive attitude isn't going to make her arthritic joints disappear or stop the ageing process. I've tried the professional approach you mention. Thought I'd had some success but no. Never intended to try and change her, just open her mind to being more positive. We've talked about various political situations, Covid and all that's involved and rubbish tv programmes so she can engage positively.

I think what she wants is to have a sense of control. What often helps is having some kind of visiting caretaker that can help with the things she can't do anymore. But a presence that is able to help her feel she has control. It's hard for a child to be in that role and that's due to all the reasons you have shared.

At this point your mother will NEVER be able to change into something different than she already is. And whatever she is will gradually decline with age. She needs someone to either bring her meals or help her prepare them. The fact that she is just eating breakfast is a sign that she has gotten to the point where she finds preparing meals too much.

Truth is, at this point you can only be in their world because they can't be in your world. This can be triggering for a child that dealt with that problem before and never felt heard etc. Whatever the parent could not fix or deal with before just gets worse with age. Instead they want others to do the fixing as they simply never could and still can't. Aging is hard on everyone.

Thanks Open Eyes

Sorry, didn't explain clearly. She's eating breakfast cereal for evening meal. Has toast or cereal for breakfast. A strange mix for lunch; plain biscuits with cold meat, raisins or chopped apple. She's diabetic so should eat properly. Poor diet could be affecting her mental functions.

When we do her shopping list, often asks for things like chops or chicken portions to cook herself. Probably won't entertain having someone come in to prepare meals as very suspicious of people she doesn't know well.

I realise she will never change. There are so many issues; we're dealing with a complicated person. Perhaps she should have sought therapy when younger but it wasn't done in those days. People were thought to be mad.

I think you should look into frozen dinners that your mother can just pop in the microwave. I think that prepared meals that are healthy to eat and easy to zap in the micro wave will work out better.

If she is on insulin then perhaps she needs some carbs? (not sure, I am not a doctor). However, a member of my family was able to bring down his blood sugar (so that he didn't have to go on insulin) by cutting out carbs. What does he eat? Eggs for breakfast (with vegetables and sometimes meat) and salads with vinegar and oil, meats, and vegetable stir fries. Absolutely no breads, cereals, or potatoes but most nuts are really good for diabetics (but not peanuts which really is not a nut). He even found that using whipping cream instead of half & half in his coffee made a huge positive difference in keeping his blood sugar low. Meats and fats are satisfying and don't spike your glucose. ()

An easy evening meal might be one of those organic salad mixes with some sliced rotisserie chicken on top. I find broiling a piece of salmon to be easy to do as well (though I like it with coleslaw which has sugar but I would steam or saute cabbage on the side for a diabetic). Anyways, since you are shopping for her, her requests for chops and chicken seem quite sound and also consider some of the items I mentioned above. Perhaps a low sugar, high fat yogurt (low fat yogurt will spike your blood sugar) like these would be good:

siggi’s Icelandic yogurt - Coupons

Open Eyes and TunedOut

Thanks again for your comments.

She's controlling diabetes with diet. However, the main issue is whatever nutritious food is in the house, it's not being eaten. There's no will to do anything than "the easiest". When I suggest something like a tin of soup with an individual veg portion (from the freezer to microwave), she tries it and said it was great. Then never does it again.

Likes salmon, has portions in freezer which again, could be cooked with frozen veg in under ten minutes. There will only be an argument if I write down a week's menu.

What's happened is she's lost her sense of worth, understandable as we've now grown up. The negativity has manifested itself like an obsession and taken over her day-to-day. If one problem is solved, unfortunately another will quickly replace it.

From what you have shared about your mother, her life was constant problems. Her requests seem to be that of a request that others get along somehow to reduce her stress. Sounds like your mother never had a man that took care of her, not her father or a husband or now not even her son. He is her favorite? Well, he is the only male around her and the only male she could love too. It's sad that he lets her down, he probably doesn't even know if he did help her it would mean a great deal to her. Sad!

Thanks Open Eyes

Spot on yet again!

Her father was very laid back. Husband (my father) died early so for 4 years she was a single parent. Second husband a poor choice. My brother is same character as his maternal grandfather, so his wife is "the boss". He always has an array of platitudes. Lockdowns have been used as an excuse to not visit and do at least outside jobs for her. When he didn't phone for two weeks, my aunt intervened and asked him to phone his mother. His wife got in first, saying "we're only doing it for your own good". She's full of bull***t and thinks we fall for it. At no stage has anyone announced Covid can be caught during phone calls!

It's sad that whilst she acknowledges he's let her down, others criticising him is met with defence. Her unacceptable attitude to me is borne out of this frustration. Know that when I speak to her again, there'll be more unjustified criticism levelled at me