Easily Influenced

Tisha,
You have more influence than you give yourself credit for. IMO, all of us are influenced by the people and information we spend the most time with. IMO, many times, women who have been taking care of children, find themselves trying to figure out "what do I want to do now?" I am just doing what easily falls into my lap and have stopped worrying about what it will be anymore. Acceptance instead of anxiety is my new mode of living. I dislike fighting and arguments. It is what it is.

I think accepting who you are comes with age. I am not surprised that teenager took a drug because of peer pressure. Sadly it’s not uncommon. We all do things because of peer pressure in young age. That’s how most young people take up substances or engage in dangerous behaviors. As we age that changes. Don’t they say beauty of aging is not caring what other people think. That includes appearances too.

I recall I dated a guy many years back who negatively commented on me wearing bright colors. Now I think it’s so funny I even cared

I don’t know how realistic it is to just do what easily falls into one’s lap. Maybe when we are very very elderly and incapacitated? But even then. My dad is 83 and he does more than what just falls into his lap. My son’s in law grandpa is in his 90s and he engages in a creative hobby (to the best of his physical ability). What kind of life do you suggest for Tisha? She is young, in her 50s I think.

For sure arguing is no good. I’d say most people dislike arguing and fighting. It’s always better to not have that in life.

Even in junior high & high school & stayed away from groups except the intellectual & music clubs at school. I remember blowing off pledging for a club after I tried it. At the time I didn't understand why but I never was a follower. Something in my gut made me always be an individual from as early as I can remember. I never recall a need to be accepted by any group but I did want to be accepted for who I was & yes, I was part of the good grade group but I had to work harder than others to get there (good thing they didn't know that)

I remember the first day in my own kitchen after moving here where I knew absolutely no one & having come home from grocery shopping, I opened the cupboards & threw my arms up in the air with joy, knowing that everything I bought was exactly what I liked to eat. That was exactly 14 years ago this May 15. Life these last 14 years has been the best adventure of my life. Exploring everything new, finding friends I truly connect with & who have become better family than my family ever was. There is nothing from my old life I walked away from that I miss & I totally enjoy the adventures & new challenges life throws at me daily except for a few & they are the ones I keep finding out trying to totally get away from that past that require lawyer action. 2100 miles away makes that a challenge. But again....I am up for a challenge & battle if that is what it requires. I look at what is needed more than what I want or would prefer in cases like that.

Yes, I did find that I could figure out who I am & what my values are more when I wasn't constantly responding to the crap that existed in my life & I like what was inside wanting out so bad all those years. I had to fight for the successes I achieved all through my life so I learned to be a fighter when necessary. People in my life now don't see that side of me UNLESS they push an issue I know is important to me. Then they find out the hard way.

That is why I wonder how much of our easily influenced personality is nature. But we can always nurture a change. That takes time & patience & an idea of what we want the change to be in the first place....& not so easy when there is someone else in our life fighting the change

Haha eskie. I love my husband but sometimes I miss single life when cupboards only have exact stuff I wanted, no accidental extras. And the house looked just the same in the evening as I left it in the morning. Hahah Don’t tell my husband lol

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Originally Posted by divine1966 Haha eskie. I love my husband but sometimes I miss single life when cupboards only have exact stuff I wanted, no accidental extras. And the house looked just the same in the evening as I left it in the morning. Hahah Don’t tell my husband lol

Lol....lol....sometimes I wish there was a little house fairy around my house who would get things done when I am busy with outside farm stuff. Those dirty dishes pile up even with a dishwasher.....lol.

I can only complain at myself for the pile of mail that hasn't been gone through but have to keep things up off the floor cause I have 2 blind dogs who have fun spreading everything around otherwise.

Notice, I said "house fairy" not "husband"....lol

There is not enough time in the day!

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Originally Posted by divine1966 There is not enough time in the day!

So true & I can just get so involved with the outside work I come inside at night totally exhausted & crash in my chair without making it up the stairs to my bedroom. I have easy microwave or quick stove top dinners for nights like that or a bowl of soup. Save my gourmet cooking for days the kitchen is clean & I have energy cause I love my gourmet cooking too.

Interesting, I am more go with the flow now because when I was married & living with him, I EXPECTED him to do what I couldn't get done myself.

Ugh would like to have a house fairy myself. 😁

Having a farm and animals is a lot of work. Yet if it’s something a person enjoys and are happy doing why not?

I do not have advice but sometimes wonder why she hasn't gone ahead and left? I no longer want to explain my own household situation but there were a lot of facets to it when I had my breakdown. Some of it was over things I cannot control--it involved the interactions between four people and when my FOO flew out--now even more people were giving me advice about a very tough situation that had drug my family down over the course of many years. They meant well and the advice I received here was well meaning but it actually proved to be quite confusing having so many people telling me what I needed to do when I was already reeling from my attempt. And my attempt and confusion didn't help my family's situation so I was part of the problem too--it takes time to sort things out sometimes. So since she is feeling so easily influenced--maybe she needs more time before taking action? Her H and others may be pressuring her too much--IMO sometimes people close to us spend so much time trying to convince us to follow their agendas that we can't hear our own wishes. IMO, we can be married but regularly take quiet time away from people in our lives who are prone to upset or being pushy so that we can eventually think more clearly. As usual, I am likely speaking about what worked for me--I definitely do not have an answer to her situation.

Oh I see, I didn’t realize you are commenting on her marriage. I thought it’s about life in general

I understood Tisha in general had concerns about being influenced by others, even how she dresses, not just making decisions. So just sitting around waiting for things happen seem to go against what her issue is. It’s like she should be even less decisive and just wait for things to happen and let other people drop things into her lap. I have no answer about her marriage. I didn’t feel that’s what this thread is about. I could be wrong

I absolutely believe people must have their own space and their own lives regardless if they are married or not. And regardless if they are being pushed or not. Having space and taking time for yourself is healthy

That’s of course my opinion.

Good point--I think I had this in my head because of her comments on some other threads that she recently posted on. But, I know we all have a lot more going on than just our marriages. Sorry if I am talking about you and not with you TishaBuv. I do go off on tangents in all my conversations quite a lot.

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more people were giving me advice about a very tough situation that had drug my family down over the course of many years. They meant well and the advice I received here was well meaning but it actually proved to be quite confusing having so many people telling me what I needed to do

Maybe this is part of the difference. I never take anything anyone says as something I have to do. I take it as ideas for my consideration to ponder on & use as part of my decision making process. No one has ever successfully told me what to do without it being an idea I find worth considering.

My dad said college was a bad idea....so it made me even more determined to get my degree & a good career.

I told my now ex before we got married that NOTHING was getting in the way of my degree & career. I got pregnant 3 years later & he said I should stay home & go back to my degree 5 years later when I was only 10 months away from my degree. I told him where he could stick that.

When I was trying to protect my mom against the evil home care person I caught abusing her when she was dying of cancer, everyone judged what I did to protect us both. I didn't care what others thought, I had to do what I knew was best. Even if there was some extreme choices I had to make, I KNEW it was the right thing to do. Confidence in my choices.....probably a lot because all my life I had to make choices on my own that were not always what others thought were the right thing to do. Looking back.....exactly what I would do now with more knowledge so trust in my own judgment grew with time & experience.

I now treasure the wise friends I have in my life I can talk ideas over with & I also know those I would NEVER listen to for advice. It is all a growing & learning process that never stops.

Yes, this is something I am getting better at. I used to jump through too many hoops for other people--not just for my family but for people at work too. I have learned a lot from bad situations and, yes, the process never stops.

I have always taken the road that has presented itself to me and seems an easy, good one. I never went looking to get what I wanted. If my mother did not want me to do it, she subtly and not so subtly took the wind out of my sails and stopped me from pursuing it. She only approved me doing what she wanted for me. This is the foundation of me learning to not follow my own dreams, a disapproving mother.

Now, Eskie, conquered that with her strong will. I towed the line.

I can’t think of anything I really wanted that I pursued!

I had crushes on a couple guys and ‘chased’ after them, but they didn’t feel quite the same about me, so I went with the ones who wanted me (that I particularly didn’t want). Why did I feel I had to go with any of the ones I didn’t want? I guess because I knew it was my ticket out. Mom wasn’t going to have it any other way. She taught me to be dependent, and I stupidly obeyed. I could have been more like Eskie. Good for you, Eskie!

The Melinda Gates divorce really hit a chord with me. While, yeah, she has all the money in the world, I am not destitute! And she’s my age. Does she look like a washed-up middle-aged over-the-hill…you know what I’m getting at. This is all my insecurity talking of how society tells us women of a certain age we are nothing!

Perhaps the thing that truly speaks you just has presented itself yet. And keep looking at listings in the place you want to move to. Don't let your H discourage you from doing your homework. Why couldn't something work out if it could be paid for by renting it part of the time? It is hard to find good properties right now but if you keep on looking--something might come up that could work. You will know it when you see it and you can stand up and insist when the right thing comes along! Sorry to give advice but it is never too late to have a breakthrough....

What you shared in your first paragraph Tisha is what can trigger you. And left you needing to have someone else take over for you as that is how you learned to feel safe. Unfortunately many parents think the child is supposed to obey and only do what the parent tells them to do. That’s not how to raise an independent thinker.

Totally agree with you. I was on one side, overprotected and on another side, belittled. Result= insecure person for almost everything.

I'm not sure exactly when I became so different from other members of my family. My maternal grandmother could never make up her mind on something, an attitude she passed on to my mother and aunt. Perhaps it became more noticeable when, age 16, I went to college. Stepfather didn't think my grades were good enough for anything other than working in a shop. Starting work at 19 and mixing with adults was the turning point. I was listening to different opinions, some well-meant, others not.

Am I easily influenced by others? Mostly not. People have let me down; relatives and friends. My relationship with my mother is poor because she can no longer influence or even manipulate me. Recently I met an amazing man on a hobby website. We've talked privately by e-mail and he's opened some of the doors that I'd firmly locked. He's never told me what to do, just offered a different "angle" when I've sought advice.

One of the side effects is those emotions I had firmly under control are now very much to the fore. I'm seeing things differently. I've cried more in the past few months than in the years before and sometimes I don't know the trigger. Have realised that relatives may have a different (and unacceptable) agenda for wanting you to follow their influence.

As my new friend said "listen to your inner voice. It may be quite loud or so quiet you have to strain to hear it". I think this can be translated as your gut feeling. Hope this makes sense!

My dad pretty much hid in his own little world & I very seldom interfaced with him ever. My mom had zero self- confidence about much of anything. I was an independent & only child they had no idea how to raise. Just a good thing my focus was on doing good in school from 5 years old on & had good neighborhood boys for playing with who were also the school & good grade types so nothing led me into a direction. That would have been bad for me from the beginning.

I remember thinking in grade school how I seriously did not like the sheltered life I was actually in. My mom didn't drive, my dad worked nights, so any after school activities I had to figure out how to do on my own. My parents didn't know other people in the community so I was either out of luck or figure it out myself. Life felt very sheltered when home & neighborhood was my whole life. I grew up basically resenting my parents for how they were & swore to never be like them. That was the foundation for this independent thinker but I know those thoughts had to come from somewhere, not just made up in my mind but for the life of me I have no idea from where.

I had an awful day not coping well with how my h triggers me. Thank you all for your wise and supportive comments.

He continues to do the same triggering behaviors no matter what. The therapists were useless. The meds were useless. I used meds today to ‘rescue’ my mood, but that’s not coping in a healthy way.

The big indecision in my life now is whether or not to move forward with him and stay married. I am terrified of being alone. I know we can’t change our problem— it’s too long going and never changing. I’m stuck, but, something will just happen and I’ll take it.

I’m basically alright, a good person, a capable adult for the most part. I have the intelligence, but never applied myself. I have severe anxiety, depression, and was diagnosed with a disorder.

I can’t state enough how much it bothers me at the suspicious way I was diagnosed yet my h is the non-stop button presser! He is an abuser and I go to the moon over it.

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Originally Posted by TishaBuv I had an awful day not coping well with how my h triggers me. Thank you all for your wise and supportive comments. He continues to do the same triggering behaviors no matter what. The therapists were useless. The meds were useless. I used meds today to ‘rescue’ my mood, but that’s not coping in a healthy way. The big indecision in my life now is whether or not to move forward with him and stay married. I am terrified of being alone. I know we can’t change our problem— it’s too long going and never changing. I’m stuck, but, something will just happen and I’ll take it. I’m basically alright, a good person, a capable adult for the most part. I have the intelligence, but never applied myself. I have severe anxiety, depression, and was diagnosed with a disorder. I can’t state enough how much it bothers me at the suspicious way I was diagnosed yet my h is the non-stop button presser! He is an abuser and I go to the moon over it.

In my situation, everything I was diagnosed with (major depression, major anxiety & even my anorexia) went away when I left my bad marriage. It doesn't always happen that way. My T definitely said it showed that my diagnosis was situational & nothing permanent.

We are individuals & we all react differently to situations. Sometimes we need to accept that as who we are & not compare ourselves to others. There are some things about ourselves that won't change any more than the things we want others to change. Sometimes the best we can do is learn how to function better within the constraints of who we are

The stress from this situation brought out disordered behaviors in me. It brought out the worst in me. Maybe had I chosen a different path, none of this trauma hysteria would have ever happened. Thanks for the reassurance, Eskie!

When the psy question me about my childhood, I did have things happen that mark off the boxes for trauma/disorders, etc…. However, none of that bothered me that much tbh! I never had severe emotional problems before the intense frustration from my marriage.

It’s my reaction that bothers me the most and I have to learn to control. They say it doesn’t matter what someone does to you, it matters how you respond. So, I’ll look at this as a challenge. He is going to keep pushing my same buttons. He has no ability to learn and change although he lies to me and believes his own lies. I have to learn to not respond to his triggering behavior by staying calm, disengaging, not getting upset, seeing it as his problem and not letting it be mine. Much easier said than done, but I want to try this. Let’s give it one month. If no luck, I’ll try plan B- to move without him.

I was influenced by a book I read that said:
You have a right to have your needs met.
You have a right to your feelings.
You have a right to be respected.
You have a right to leave an unfixable situation (paraphrasing).

So, I took a stance to say enough is enough. But, I back down hours later. I am in back/forth limbo.

The influence that brings me back into it part compassion, part fear and self doubt.

If I read ‘you should go’, I want to go. If I hear, ‘you should stay’, I back down and say I will change myself so we can make it work. But my trigger is severe, rigid, pervasive, unchanging. However, I sunk far less deep and I bounced back much sooner than ever before. This swinging back/forth is getting less, at least.

My gf said, ‘He’s such a great guy! You’d regret it so much if you ended it.’ Nobody says I’m such a great gal.