Have I lost my boyfriend

Be careful what you wish for.

There is a saying that I can't find or remember exactly, but it goes something like this:

Being with a wrong person is far lonelier than being alone.

Nothing wrong with wanting to be married. But I don’t see how a man like this one is a good marriage material at all.

In what way being upset and stressed the way you are now is better than being alone? I’d agree that being in a good stable and happy relationship might be better than being alone. Your situation can’t be better than being alone though.

Plus longer you stay with wrong people less likely you are to meet right ones. Don’t waste your life on wrong people. I’ve met women in their 60s who complain all the time about their horrible husbands. They spent their entire life miserable! All while you could either be happy with the right person or enjoy single life! Anything is better than living in misery with wrong people

Yes it’s very hard to meet people. But you don’t need bars. And you don’t need to meet people late at night. So what places are closed? Most working adults with healthy life styles aren’t even up that late. Again if you are happy stay with this guy but you are stressed and miserable!

Yes, that is very true. But one of the reasons why I am not so quick to leave him is because, unless this relationship is pretty much dead, I ask myself, are these issues things we can work out and fix? Sometimes people don’t realize how their behavior affects other people. Sometimes it takes talking about it for the other person to realize it. I could be naive in this thinking with him, and sometimes people don’t change and it doesn’t matter how much you try and talk to them. It may be a lost cause with him, but I wouldn’t mind at least trying if it’s possible.

It sounds like you’re already flogging a dead horse with him, though. He’s not responding to your efforts to fix things in a way that would encourage confidence they could get better. I know it’s tough and you don’t feel ready to let go, but it sounds like he’s ready for it to end. For whatever reason though, he’s not being direct about that. My guess is he’s either enjoying playing this cruel game with you, or doesn’t want to be the “bad guy” by leaving you. In any case, he’s not showing your feelings much consideration.

It’s done, move on and stop spending so much time and energy on someone who shuts down like this.

He knows what he's doing will hurt and bother you. Especially if he's done this before (blocking you). And haven't you already communicated in various ways to him that it's bothering you? I mean, you asked him to unblock you, so he knows it's bugging you. He's likely enjoying having that kind of control over you.

There's a pattern of behavior already with him, and it's not a pretty one. I don't think this relationship is as "good" as you believe if he has a pattern of blocking every time there is an argument or conflict. That threatens a breakup every single time you cannot agree, which gives him all the control, and which makes the relationship constantly unstable and uncertain for you.

That's exactly how an abuser operates. It's possible that this man is abusive.

I agree with what others have already said, best thing to do once you have your book back is block him in return on everything and not have anything more to do with him.

If you cant get your book back theres a site that does out of print books, called abebooks, you could maybe see if they have the book on there?

I agree with have hope that this is abuse. And do you really think that a grown man doesn’t know that being blocked upsets you? Do you really believe he thinks “I am sure she is ok with being blocked and isn’t upset at all”. Really?

I reread some things. This man is almost 41. He manipulates your emotions. After a year together, he is refusing to communicate and preventing you from communicating. You keep suggesting that if you could talk to him, you could fix things. You are hanging onto the past. Even if he unblocked you and stopped being immature, things do go back to being the way they were. They become the way they are.

The we in we can fix this means 2 people. You can't create a healthy dynamic alone. This 41 year old doesn't want to participate in a healthy way. I apologize of this is difficult to hear, and I don't want to cause you distress. You are not in a healthy relationship with good communication. Join a club and participate in activities you enjoy. Work on being the best version of you.

I love what all of you have said. I did reach out to him this morning about the book. This is what I said to him,

“ Hey, it’s Laura. How are you doing? I’m sending this from an old texting app I have. I wanted to contact you about my grandfather’s book. I know you don’t want to talk to me right now, but I have some things I need to say first and then I’ll leave you alone because I want to respect your boundaries. I need to know where things stand with us. I really think we should talk about stuff and try to work things out if we can. Listen, I know this relationship means a lot to both of us, but you’ve shut me out completely. Why? I’m confused and sad. Take the time and space you need and we’ll talk when you’re ready.

If things are over with us then please tell me, and I’m gonna need my grandfather’s book back asap. It’s sentimental to me. It’s out of print and the only copy I have.”

He did respond with: “ I felt I had to cut you off temporarily to just think about things between us.”

He went onto say, that he can definitely return the book. That he forgot he had it.

I said to him, “ I’m glad you told me why you cut me out. Does this mean things are done with us, or do you still need some time? I just want an idea of things.”

This was his response, “ I believe that we have been toxic towards each other, you will realize that you will have a lot more freedom without me”

This was my response: “ It’s not about having freedom. That’s not what I want. I love you being in my life, but yes, I think the behaviors we’ve had toward each other have hurt us both. I do believe they’re things we can work through, but I’m not sure if that’s something you’d want to do, at least right now. I am open to working things out and making this relationship better, but I also understand if that’s not what you want.”

I then asked him if he can bring the book by after work tonight.

I also said, “ I understand your feelings and position on third and I do agree with you about us being toxic toward each other.”

He didn’t respond. Like I thought he wouldn’t. He’s said these sorts of things to me before like I’d be better without him.

I said what I did to him because it leaves the possibility open for possibly working things out. I wasn’t just going to say, “okay, see ya!” You fight for a relationship when you love someone, but you also know when to get out.

I do feel that with work and effort, we can make things better. He admitted he’s toxic too. So at least he recognizes it.

Where do I go from here? Do I wait a bit to see if he comes around, or move on?
It’s easy to say, “move on.” It’s not easy to do.

Did I say all the wrong things?

I do know two things, and how I look it it now,

1. If he cares about this relationship and it matters to him, he’ll come around and with effort, patience, and work we can fix things.

2. If he doesn’t, I’ll know it doesn’t matter to him and the relationship isn’t important and I walk away.

You keep doing the same exact things to yourself: pushing and insisting upon a relationship that is likely abusive and very unhealthy. I don't quite understand why you're not listening to any of us on here who are giving you heartfelt and caring replies and advice. But it's your choice, of course. You want to be with someone who is unhealthy for you and you refuse to give up this toxic dance between you two. C'est la vie.

It’s not that I’m refusing to listen. Not at all. I know this relationship is toxic and I’ve known that for some time: I am listening to everyone here and considering all sides. It is really hard to let him go. I know I need to. Sounds like he is. He never even responded to me when I asked about bringing the book by tonight. I have this big fear of being alone. I also know that things can be fixed. Whether it’s possible on this case or not, who knows. I do need to accept I have to let go. Trying to hold onto this is my hoping to keep trying. I just feel sad like I don’t want to lose him. When I moved here, I had a hard time making friends. I still don’t have any here. Other than my family here, he’s been the closest one to me. I am completely alone without him. It’s hard for me to make friends and connections here. I’ve tried. I guess my being completely alone is why I’m really hanging onto this.

You said you have family where you are? Can you lean on them, visit them and spend more time with family so that you are not so alone?

And what scares you about being alone? Are you worried about falling into a depression if you don't have a boyfriend in your life? Being alone has lots of positives and benefits. It makes one a stronger person, more self aware and self sufficient. These are all wonderful things that only enhance your life, as opposed to detract from it. A toxic relationship steals and robs you of inner peace, true happiness and true satisfaction.

It’s not about having a boyfriend to make me not feel alone. I’ve lived alone and spent most of my adult life alone. I’ve had relationships and was married during this time, but I’ve been alone most of the time. I’m tired of being alone. Any benefit from it is exhausted for me. I’ve never particularly cared for it. Some people just don’t like being alone. My biggest fear is ending up completely alone the rest of my life. I want a relationship. I want someone to settle down with. I wouldn’t feel so bad if I actually had some friends. It’s only my parents here. They’re often busy. I’m by myself most of the time.

Well, if you want someone to settle down with, this man is not it. There are plenty of other men, and I am sure they exist where you live, too. It doesn't have to be this man. You cannot force a relationship onto someone, which is what you are practically doing.

I don’t think it’s forcing. I told him that I will understand if that’s not what he wants. I left it open for possibly working things out and told him I will understand if he doesn’t want that. I told him that I would like to talk and work things out if we can. I feel I left it open.

As for available men, I can’t be where they are due to my work schedule. I don’t get off usually until 8:00 at night, by then there’s not much going on, except the bar scene. Here those aren’t places to meet quality guys. I often work weekends so those are out. I usually have two weekdays off during the week, when everyone else is at work. So even my schedule isn’t equipped for meeting single men.

I did say the wrong things, didn’t I?

Well, it comes across to me as forceful when you use a texting app to get in touch with him, which forces him to talk to you. He blocked you everywhere, yet you're still trying to communicate via other means. That is forcing the issue. I can see why he says you're both toxic to each other. Your behaviors are not exactly mirroring what a stable healthy person would do. The healthy thing to do when someone blocks you is to give up and walk away, and for your own good.

I had to contact him about my book. I wanted to ask what was going on because I feel I have a right to know so I know where things went wrong. It’s my relationship too. He doesn’t have to talk to me. I wanted to get my thoughts out because I feel I have a right to do that. I was simply telling him how I feel. He only answered me about the book and why he blocked me and if it was over. I wasn’t forceful in my answers to him. I didn’t beg and plead. I had to get in touch about the book. My grandfather signed it, which is one of the reasons I want that particular book back.

You keep saying you'll "understand" if he wants to be alone, but you turn right around and plan the next message, or think of some excuse to contact him. The man has blocked you on every app and phone. Take the hint. You even were talking about using some old texting app to contact him because he blocked you on everything else.

This is over. It's done. He keeps showing you he doesn't want a relationship, he blocks you everywhere, he told you let's be friends, how much more do you need?

He’s said all those things to me before and we’ve gotten through things. I do get the hint of it was anyone else saying that. He’s said this stuff to me before. He’s unpredictable. He’s said that a lot before, so I don’t entirely invest much into it. We’ve worked stuff out when he’s said that before. This is why I said what I did to him. I would it have contacted him if it weren’t about the book. I explained that to him. I also believe I told him we’ll talk when he’s ready. We’ve been through all this before. He’s said all the same things and we’ve eventually worked things out. I’m not contacting him again. Like I said, if we does want this, he’ll come around. If he doesn’t, then I’ll walk away.

You left a possibility open. However, he slammed that door shut over and over. I was in the same situation a few years ago. No close friends, only my mother and kids to spend time with, an emotionally abusive ex and way too much time alone. I joined a walking club. It was me (age 42 at the time) and 5 senior citizens walking in the local shopping mall on Saturday mornings. 5 of the kindest, most caring people I ever met. Those 5 people changed my whole life for the better.
I'm a stranger, but trust me, go out and join a club, take a class, talk to your neighbors, walk with old ladies. Try new things and find activities you enjoy. There will be others that enjoy the same things and you will meet them. And your life will be a lot less lonely.

The point I am trying to make is that we have been through all this stuff before. He did never mention we’re toxic, but we both have know. This for awhile. We end up running into each other later on, we talk, and it goes from there. I don’t know if it’s a serious breakup this time, it will tell. I do wonder why he didn’t even respond about the book. But even that will come in time, I guess.

So how many times does he need to break up with you and push you away before you decide you deserve a healthier happier relationship?

You said you contacted him about the book but you mentioned said book in one sentence, then you wrote many paragraphs how sad you are without him. If it was about the book, you’d only talk about the book. He already knows you are sad. He obviously doesn’t care. At this point I think you need to work on self respect. You continue looking for ways to keep contacting him.

Just because he did all these nasty things before it doesn’t mean it’s ok or that you need to pursue him. The fact that he keeps doing it tells you all you need to know about him and this relationship. He doesn’t respect you. If he did, he’d not block you. Why are you pursuing someone who is so blatantly disrespectful? So what he already said all those things before? It doesn’t make it ok.

And I think situation with the book is a symptom in your relationship. This book means a lot to you but he doesn’t even remember he has it. Same with your relationship. You spend days miserable figuring out how to contact him but he doesn’t give it a thought and is living his life

Have you considered therapy for yourself