Have I lost my boyfriend

Do you mean you primarily want him just to have someone around, not because you are in love with him?


Sounds like to me he didn't respond about the book because it would mean things ended between you two for real?

Not that this is good news. He and you both should want to end this for real.

The thing is OP does have a right to talk to him though I don't think it's helpful to talk at all. I would say just because you block someone it doesn't take away their right to talk to you if the blocking was unfair. Now if it was more like he had told her he was done for real and hadn't sent her mixed signals afterwards, and if he had asked her to not bring up the topic of the relationship, she would not really have a right to talk to him about fixing the relationship. But just blocking on its own and an overemotional message about breaking up that he then changes (changes the message), that doesn't remove all her rights. Blocking someone is a cowardly thing and doesn't mean they can have what they wanted to achieve by blocking. Ie. it's not okay to use as a means of control, and you should not give in to said attempt to control you.

Blocking on multiple platforms is a clear unequivocal message of "leave me alone and don't speak to me". It's setting a strong boundary for the OP to not talk to him. The OP is ignoring that boundary by continuing to contact him via other means where she is not blocked. That is intrusive and is crossing boundaries.

She actually doesn't have the right to continue to harass him, find means to break the boundary and find ways of contacting him EXCEPT for to get the book back. And there are other means for that. She could leave a note on his front door for him to drop off the book in her mailbox.

Sure, blocking is cowardly and immature, but if someone had blocked me somewhere, I wouldn't try to continue to connect and find sneaky ways to get in touch with the person to force them to talk to me.

Of course people have rights to keep talking to whoever they want to be talking. But if the person doesn’t want to talk to you or respond back, how far these rights are going to get you? Not far

I don’t think it has anything to do with control. If the person doesn’t want to talk to you, leaving them doesn’t mean you give them control. It’s the other way around. It means you take your own life in your hands.

Continue begging and pleading and finding other ways to contact them is giving them more control. The guy sees how much control he has over her that she stops at nothing finding ways to contact him and keeps begging to be unblocked. He has all the control here and she has none.

She’ll be in way more control if she refused to pursue men who block her and treat her badly. That’s being in control. Chasing these completely unsuitable men isn’t being in control of anything. It is giving all the control to these messed up guys.

I agree with you and that’s what I meant when I said he has all the control.

You are refusing to live in reality. You have been shown and told in many different ways by him that he doesn't want to deal with you. You are claiming this latest contact is about the book but really the book is a minor thing and you are trying to emotionally blackmail him into being with you. If he returns the book, great. If not, you'll have to deal with it. Stop contacting him. Using the old texting app to contact him because you're blocked everywhere else is weird and stalkerish. Stop doing that.

Imagine sitting there and hitting yourself in the head with a hammer. You wouldn't do that, right? Every time you contact him you are hitting yourself in the head with the hammer. Stop. Concentrate on a hobby, on work, on family, go for a walk, make a nice meal for yourself, etc. No contact = no new hurt.

Also - we know he is 41, but what is your age, if I might ask? The reaction you're having to this obvious disrespect makes me think you are significantly younger than he is?

You also might want to use your time to seek out counseling on how to cope with rejection by someone who doesn't suit you anyway. Find out why you want to be with someone who treats you so bad.

To be fair, you say you’ve been through this several times with him already, so you may think that you can eventually get through to him since it’s worked before. But you have to recognize how truly toxic this pattern is with him. Do you really want to be chasing a man in this way, repeatedly? Do you really want to have to break down his walls to get him to be with you and even to talk to you, each time there’s a difference between you? This does not have to be the dynamic if you choose to walk away this time. There are other men.

Imagine being married to someone who is willing to give you the silent treatment for days on end.

To be honest, it does sound to me like he doesnt actually want to be with you. I would take what he is doing to be a break-up and go out and do things for yourself, try not to even think about this guy (easier said than done i know, cause its the whole pink elephant wearing a purple tutu dress thing, "dont think of a pink elephant wearing a purple tutu" and getting told that means you keep trlling yourself dont think of it and the more you try not to think of it, the more you actually think of it) thats why i say try not to

Stay busy doing things for yourself

You deserve to be happy, even if his behaviour is showing you the opposite

I also find concerning that every time he says it’s over , relationship resumes because you just run to each other. So just because it’s convenient? It’s not even deliberate?

I also wonder what kind of things you two do together? Do you have a lot in common? You go places and do things as a couple? You mentioned he comes for sleepovers but what else takes place in this Union?

As about marriage, he certainly isn’t marriage material but even if he was, has he expressed interest in marrying you? You might be with him because you hope to get married, but he might have zero plans about marrying you. He sure doesn’t act like he plans anything like that at all

This is a complicated subject since blocking also violates the boundaries of the other person if it's done in an unfair way. To me a boundary is only valid if it's fair and reasonable that doesn't encroach on the other person's rights.

I would say, if he doesn't want to talk to her, then he needs to simply tell her so and honestly - and not rudely or in a mean way - tell her what's up with that so it doesn't just come out of the blue either or as a means of control, and if she doesn't respect that then yeah, it's totally fair to block her and then yeah, if she still doesn't respect that then it's harassment.

I like how you said that, about not trying to connect if the other person truly doesn't wish to. Because, I thought of this before, I'd have had an easier time with some relationships if some of the bf's I've had would've respected my decision to break up and not try to keep connecting with me.

Though I'd have been OK if they had just tried to ask me about why the breakup or something. Rather than try and connect and try to get me back. I totally can see THAT as a boundary violation and like forcing the relationship.


Ahh by control what I had in mind is that the person wants to control how often the other person can say something at all. The person wants to control the information flow. To their own advantage. It can even be to gain material advantage.

In the particular case here, yeah begging and pleading is hardly about being in control, I agree with that.

Do you mind saying where it sounds like emotional blackmail? I'm just personally interested as I'm thinking about how some of my bf's before wouldn't leave me alone when I wanted to break up. But I am sure I need to understand more on it. When reading OP's lines about what she sent to the bf using that old texting app, I didn't notice any emotional blackmail. Can you please say more on this?

He blocked her to protect himself from the toxicity. That is a valid boundary. Boundaries don't have to be fair... they are for protecting oneself.

Yup. In fact he said he needs time and space. Sure it’s unpleasant and he should do things like that differently. He’s not nice about it.

But if he says he needs space, then no matter how bad it feels she can’t demand that she has rights to keep finding ways to contact the person.

I don’t understand how not wanting to talk to someone encroaches on their rights. If someone doesn’t want to talk to me, it would hurt but in no way it violates my rights. Rights to do what? Speak to those who don’t want to talk to me? No such rights exist

As about rights and violating them… sure there are situations when it’s wrong to put up boundaries that violate someone’s rights. Lock them out of the house that they co own is wrong (unless safety measures), not allowing them to see their children (violating court order), taking their car keys away or blocking their access to bank accounts. Yes those violation of people’s rights should be dealt with with law enforcement and court system

But not talking to someone isn’t violation of their rights. Sure it’s rude and unkind. The guy is a jerk. But none has any kind of special rights to talk to a boyfriend. And I am sure if she contacted a lawyer demanding her rights, she’ll be told to leave the guy alone. He’s a guy she was dating. No special rights exist here

In fact that’s a dangerous path. There are men who believe they have rights to see a woman or talk to her even if she asks to be left alone.

So why should it be different for a woman demanding she has rights to talk to a guy?

It sounds like all he really did was hook up with you from time to time and you saw it as more than that.

For a relationship to happen both individuals have to want it and put the time into it.

I am wondering if he likes to drink a lot and just hooks up with you for sex. And you are thinking and imagining it’s more than that.

You need to step back and be honest about this relationship. When people like to drink and party and hang out all they are doing is practicing escapism together. What happens with that is an unhealthy cycle that comes with the addiction of escapism. It’s nothing but an illusion, not a real or actual healthy relationship.

What toxicity? That she would like to be alone while dealing with the eye surgery? That's where his PUNITIVE blocking of her started. It was not a boundary being set there with decent and respectful communication, but punitive blocking with demeaning insults. Please go back to the start of this thread and read how that happened if you didn't see it.

See above.

That's put too general. I think I already explained what I had in mind in my previous posts. I described when it's boundary setting and when it's punitive blocking and stonewalling.

That's highly possible IMO too, I'd be interested if that rings true for OP if she's honest with herself

The guy is a jerk. That’s what he does. Disrespects her. It’s not the first time.

Of course OP could keep contacting him and look for new ways to get to the guy. Sure, she can. But what’s the goal here? To accomplish what? She already tried different methods, he keeps saying he wants space. For how long do you think she should keep contacting him and how many different methods should she use? He’s not miraculously turning into Prince Charming. .

What you see is what you get.

I am curious to see if OP will respond to my question if they do anything else together besides him coming over to stay the night. And if he also sees this as a meaningful committed relationship like she does. Or he doesn’t care and doesn’t think much of it. His actions do speak volumes

The OP has shared that there has been a cycle. That’s a red flag when a person or even both have a problem with alcohol/addiction. Also he is 41 and still engages in that “bar/club” scene. He may only have the ability to “hook up” and not actually be mature enough for a healthy relationship.

There has also been a challenge to the addiction routine of engaging in the pattern of going to certain bars/hangouts due to Covid. That may have contributed to certain relationships forming in an attempt to replace the normal established pattern. Now that people are slowly going back to bars and hangouts, the substitute relationship isn’t really needed as much.

People can develop patterns around their drinking, not always realizing the extent of the pattern. Old habits die hard and unfortunately addiction habits inhibit actual growth and maturity. Hence a 41 year old in many ways may only have the maturity level of 21 year old.

It’s important to step back and evaluate rather than chase the dream of only to get hurt or continue engaging in an unhealthy relationship. He may be a bit of a jerk yet the OP is responsible as well if she continues to engage.

There is no need to be belittling. I have read the whole thread. IMO it was toxic to tell him to leave her alone when she was drunk texting him. That's like breaking up with him simply because she had had a few drinks, and not because it was truly meant. Not until she was sober did the eye surgery come up, and could have been an excuse for the drunk texts. He even told her that they are both toxic to each other.

I hope feelinglost78 is feeling less lost than a few days ago and has found some happier moments. If not, I hope at least that she is taking care of herself.

Find your happiness and you won't have to rely on others to make you happy.

Agreed, OP needs to take responsibility and see that this will not get better. I can understand that his behaviour creates uncertainty and in turn that creates emotional turmoil and confusion so OP feels a strong need for closure, but responsibility really needs to be taken to not get stuck in that.

Did not intend to be belittling. She did mention the eye surgery in the original drunk text, according to the first post in the thread.

That thing with being left alone, I interpreted it in the context of her also saying in that text that she's scared.

But I think what really matters is that OP needs to move on from this limbo

(If she hasn't yet)

Agreed - limbo is not a fun state to be in.

I hope the OP comes back to the thread.

I don't think its right to call the former boyfriend a jerk when we don't know his side of the story in this relationship. He hasn't came to this website to explain his side of the story.


All that I've seen thus far is OP getting drunk one night.. sent her former boyfriend a breakup drunk text that was hateful. The boyfriend reacted by blocking her.. COMPLETELY understandable.. Who wants to deal with a nasty drunk? I've lived with one my whole life.. My suggestions to the OP is to start attending nightly meetings... AA - Alcoholics Anonymous is a lifeline to living a sober life.

Learn to respect peoples personal space and boundaries. When someone blocks you.. it means that they don't want to speak with you either it be temporary or permanently. By contacting the boyfriend from other social media input is disrespectful.. in fact is borderline stalking.

Well I agree about not wanting to deal with drunks. The way I see it though is he has been ghosting and blocking her before. She never said it’s because she was drunk before. It seems like that’s how he deals with things. Plus it sounds that they both drink. Bad combination

We always see only one side of the story. She described him as a jerk so I am not going to question it.

Living sober life is always the best solution but she never came back to the thread so who knows what’s happening