Marriage Problems

I'm looking for support in my plight. As I've stated, I am not ready to leave him right now. And I am not fully invested either and am not necessarily staying. I am in an in between spot. I seek support for where I am at this moment.

Yes. He has not yelled at me - he used to yell and scream at me and it was scary.

I am only giving him credit because it's one thing he has changed for the better.

It doesn't matter. I brought it up because it is one thing he has done better at, but that doesn't change the fact that he is still abusing me when we fight.

What I've been saying is because of my mother & the upcoming service, I cannot leave him immediately. IF or rather WHEN another fight occurs, I know that I will react poorly and will want to end it right there and then, which could very well happen. And I believe that another fight is inevitable, given how he has been behaving. I think that leaving him is also inevitable.

BUT I have to keep the peace right now. This is really really hard. I am in a bad position, and I do not know how to handle it.

Abuse advocates help the victim to formulate an exit strategy and plan, which is likely what I need. I need to speak with my abuse advocate again.

Edited to say: I reached out to my advocate to arrange a call this week. Hopefully, he will be able to schedule one with me.

I understand that you don't want to rock the boat because of your father's service. I'm sure it's very sad and stressful for your family. Do you believe your safety and health is less important to your mother than your father's memorial?

If your husband can consciously control his volume and not yell, why can't he consciously control his words and not call you names and insult you? The audible volume of his abuse may have changed, but he's still insulting you and name calling in an argument. You giving him credit for not yelling in an argument is like giving credit to someone stealing your car for not speeding. It doesn't change the crime.

My mother is completely consumed by my fathers service and yes my health is less important to her right now. She put up with emotional abuse from my father so why should I be any different?

I agree that he can control himself. All I was saying is that he has improved in one way and that is all I see. The rest still persists.

My heart is not in this. I resent my mother for making me wait, but I also get it at the same time. I hate living this way - I’m just going through the motions.

Your mother cannot make you wait. She can make your life harder by complaining about you leaving though. So I get it. I have a difficult father so often times it’s better to wait to avoid him causing a fight or guilting us. As a parent though if my daughter was abused, I’d want her to leave today. Not tomorrow. I’d not tell her to wait. Does your mom not believe that you are being abused? Leaving your husband wouldn’t have to be a production or drama. But I understand if your mom is causing issues. When is the memorial?

Also are you afraid he’s leaving you first as he is possibly plotting this already? Just wonder

My mother is very consumed by her own concerns - she didn't want an entire upheaval of my marriage to occur just before the service, in thinking it will ruin the service, I get it. But at the same time, she clearly does not prioritize my well being. It's a whole story.

The memorial is next Sunday the 25th.

I am not afraid that he is plotting to leave. I really do not think he is.

He is "not feeling well" as usual. This is not the marriage I want or imagined. Not at all.

I know I am done - it's just now a matter of WHEN.

Him not feeling well is getting old. He needs to get treatment for whatever makes him not feeling well

It's old on me as well. Often when he's "not feeling well' it's mental, which then turns into something physical like a headache or upset stomach.

This morning he said it's his mother's situation and his work that are getting to him.

When it is about self-care and protection from abuse, I believe it is important to take a stand - however 'disruptive' it might be/seem to other people. Getting out of abuse trumps it all.

There is no 'right' timing anyway - as in planning when would be the least 'inconvenient' time to make ruffles. When it is a question of abuse, it is a question of 'leave now'.

This is a decision that each one has to make for themselves. Others can't hold you back. It is important to take back one's power and say: enough is enough, I am leaving, period. This is on us and *our* decision and responsibility (unless a child is concerned, then the onus is on the parent), not anyone else's.

I'm anticipating him telling me on the day of my father's service that he doesn't want to go. I've often heard this from him when it comes to my family's gatherings and occasions when we have all gathered together.

I have been thinking about what to tell him if he says this to me. I am sick of catering to his needs, to his moods and to everything being all about him. This is about me, and supporting me in the loss of my father. Yes, it will be a very long day - the event goes from about 1:30 PM til about 9PM, with the service, a reception and then a family dinner.

At first I was thinking of a snide remark in reply - like, well, if it's SO much of an effort to support me today, then by all means, don't come.

On the opposite end, I could sympathize and say, I know it's a long day ahead with my family and members of my family you must meet, but I appreciate your support today.

I am not sure how I will react if he says this to me. I know I will be upset, to say the least. And when I get upset, I react.

I have NO choice but to respect my mother’s request. And now, it's only a matter of days until my father's service.

I have to do this in a way that is most comfortable and safe for me. I am planning my exit strategy. When it comes to abuse, this is how it must be done.

It is difficult for me to understand how he could even consider not going to this event.

He hasn't said anything about it to me yet. I am just anticipating him saying that the morning of the service, because that's what he's done in the past. OR, he has created a fight with me and then has backed out of the family event on the day of. He did that on Thanksgiving one year, on Christmas another year, and on the day of my aunt's 80th birthday party.

If he says he doesn't want to go, tell him you figured that would happen. Tell him dinners in the freezer (or there's stuff to make a sandwich in the fridge - whatever you have, even just a can of soup) then leave. Go be with your family. If anyone asks where he is, tell them the truth... he chose to stay home. He makes his choice and you aren't responsible for it.

Accept his refusal to attend with grace. Imqgine how confused he will be when you hold yourself together and plan ahead for his normal behavior. No one will be surprised or upset when you tell him things are over for you (whenever you choose to end things).

It sounds like it is a bit of a pattern with him to find/create reasons to avoid major events in your family.

I'd like to think that he would not try that for this specific, really important and deeply meaningful event.

But in view of the past, I think you are wise to prepare yourself, and your response, in case he does.

You are far kinder than I am. If he chooses to stay home, he can find his own dinner. I could care less about his needs at that point, after completely dismissing mine.

It is a pattern and the more I see it the more distressed I am over it. He almost ruined last Christmas with my family because suddenly he did not “feel well”, which is code for I need to leave and can’t be with your family one second longer. He demanded that we leave, and before all presents were opened. Then we had words in the car over it. It almost ruined the entire day for me.

So yes, I am preparing myself.

Oh my gosh, then it is possible that he "won't feel well" at your father's event even if he does go.

What will you do in that event?

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this.

Thanks, Bill. Thanks so much. I don’t know what I’d do. We’re taking one car.

And today he’s super depressed because his mom didn’t know who her own son is - his brother. She did not recognize him. My husband has to fly to California later next week to see his mom and help his brother make decisions on where she should go. He’s barely texting with me and is barely talking to me right now.

I just spoke with my mom. I’m going to give him the option to skip the dinner with my family and see if he wants to just come to the service but in his own car. I know that a full afternoon and night is going to be too much for him to handle. His mom is basically dying.

Although I still visited with his mother the day after my father died, so there’s that.

My sister says I cater to him - and that’s because he demands it.

To me, this sounds like a really good plan in very difficult circumstances for both of you.

I think so too