Marriage Problems

It would be the end of it for me. The only way my husband would stay home for my family memorial service is if he tested positive for covid that day or had a heart attack that morning.

Having said that, sometimes we both decide to not partake in something. I have some obnoxious extended family members, so if we can help it we get out of it. But I’d not be going alone to family events if I am married. I’d be single then.

This isn’t acceptable. I don’t care how long it is., our funerals like never end. They go on forever. So what? It’s normal. Nothing unusual. You stick together. That’s what you do. That’s why you marry. Why’s he married then? He could just date or be single. There’s zero excuse. It shouldn’t be ever tolerated.

Honestly you excuse him for things that are not acceptable or typically excusable in a marriage. I don’t blame you for that as I understand you get used to unacceptable behaviors and it’s hard to get out. I get that. But this honestly isn’t acceptable. That’s not how married couples operate

Geez. Why do I even come here? I’m looking for SUPPORT, not judgement!

I said in my OP to be gentle.

I’m doing what is best given his limitations. Did I ever say it’s acceptable? Did I ever say any of it is? NO!!!!!

I’m doing what is best for me and my family. And if he’s going to be an ahole and a mope and complain about going I don’t want him there.

I’m divorcing him soon anyways. Why the judgements??

There is no judgement of you! This is a judgement of him. Not you. You aren’t the one doing this crap.

Maybe I misread but it sounded as you said you understand memorial is too long for him. He can’t be there that long. Why? It’s not too long if your wife needs you there. It’s his father in law. Sure if it was neighbors funeral it’s too long. Not a valid excuse

Or his mother is sick. That’s another excuse. There’s always an excuse that he has and it sounds as you are accepting his excuses. Work stress mom is sick funeral is too long family lost money etc Those are every day life things all people have. That’s life.

Nothing unique or special that puts him in a different position than all of us. He’s using it to make you feel sorry for him so he can escape normal marital responsibilities

I sure hope you divorcing him

I know you are experiencing a lot of emotions and stress. There's a lot of life going on for you at the moment, both good and bad.. And that always makes things much harder to deal with.

I don't always understand other people's perspectives and feel judged too. Unfortunately, we don't get to choose the support we receive from others. Sometimes the best we can do is accept that other people aren't living our lives and they will say things differently than we want.

I think people here are worried about you because things are so chaotic for you. Sometimes it seems like you just want validation for how you feel and sometimes it seems you want feedback on how others would handle things. And if someone would do things differently than you would, you may feel invalidated and unfairly judged.

In the end, all that matters is that your choices are yours. You have to live with your choices. What anyone else thinks or does is irrelevant. There is no greater feeling than finding happiness for yourself. I hope your choices bring you to your happiness.

Yes, he has excuses. I am trying to avoid a fight, upon my mother's request.

When he wanted to bail on Christmas before presents were finished, it was unacceptable to me. I knew it was. But he demanded we leave anyways. I insisted we stay until presents were done. So we did, and then we left. And then we fought about it because I was pissed.

So, I do not accept these things at all, nor his excuses. I am simply trying to avoid a fight and/or conflict, but that doesn't make it acceptable to me.

Thank you for saying this.

And I understand what you are saying. I am looking for validation, because I don't get any at home or in therapy. I'm not exactly looking for advice in this thread, unless I specifically state I need some on an issue I face. Support is what I need - just support and understanding of where I am at.

I cannot even believe this. I barely slept for some unknown reason, so I am exhausted. My husband asked me to drive him to and from work today because he's been getting tickets lately because of some construction going on and he cannot park on the street where he normally parks. I tell him I am exhausted and did not sleep and I tell him my stomach hurts.

So, I am lying down on the couch resting and he got mad at me for not taking him to work! He almost blew a gasget, as though it's my responsibility and I owe him this, even though I do not feel good. He sounded angry as he walked out the door and told me to "have a great day".

Then, later, when I confronted him about his anger, he denied that he was angry and said he was just "disappointed". It was so obvious that he was angry given the way he huffed out of the apartment! More gaslighting.

I am SO sick of this.

I didn't know this thread was here until today.

You are going through so much. I wish I could make you a nice favourite hot beverage, and look in your eyes, and reassure you.

Everything feels very confusing right now, I get that. I was worried this would happen. But I respect you so much for putting your mom's health ahead of your own. That's what loving is.

Only a little way to go, now. It will all be okay.

Everything will be alright. You will get through this. And you will, in the long run, be well and happy again.

It took me a very long time to get out of my old way of forgiving everyone for their sins, and into truly seeing the big picture when I was being victimized by my abusers. It happened repeatedly because, A.) I was innocent, and basically kind, and had been raised with a strong Judeo-Christian idea of love and forgiveness, and B.) I could never fathom what many people are actually capable of, and how happily they will try and manipulate and control/ abuse another person.

It also took me an extraordinarily long time to get my head around the fact that I was worth protecting and respecting. But, ever since I started thinking of things in a different light (as in, My emotional health IS the basis of my well-being), I have been doing much better. I was always a little shell-shocked and stuck in a kind of disbelief at first, when I smelled the rat right under my nose...I cared for these people as human beings, and had obviously developed profound emotions around some of them. But I accepted that I was never going to be cared-for, by them, in the way that I desired and needed. That's when I found the courage and the strength to take care of myself, and do what I needed to do to stay safe.

Now that there is some time & distance between myself and the individuals who, for whatever reason, wanted to victimize me, I am MUCH stronger, and can process things in a very clear and direct way. And I'm getting better every day.

You will, too, HaveHope. You will get there.

Aww, thank you so much, dearest @MuseumGhost.

I am Christian myself, and believe in forgiveness and kindness. It's probably both my strength and weakness.

I had forgiven my husband for his prior infidelity. But then, after allowing him back into home with me, and after he initiated 4-5 different fights with me in the last month whereby he insulted me, well that trust is once again being eroded. When he moved back in, he had promised he would ONLY treat me with the upmost love and respect.

So what happens after the insults? Well, once again he's breaking his promise to me, which then extends my mistrust of him to all areas of our marriage. Because when things went sour in our marriage the last time and we were fighting a lot, that's when he decided to be unfaithful. So, I think perhaps he's cheating on me again because a woman sends him a random package last week. I told him he was lying to me about it because that's sure what it seemed like from my perspective. It turns out I was wrong.

And now? Now, I am just trying to get through the day, each and every day. I had to take a half day off from work because of my relationship problems yesterday.

And that's because yesterday I told him the marriage is over, and now he's fighting for it not to be. And deep down, I wonder if it's because if this marriage dissolves, he wants it to dissolve on HIS terms, and NOT mine - that he wants to be the one to leave, not me. This is what is going through my mind right now.

I just want to apologize for prior my reaction above. I got triggered because I felt judged, and I reacted poorly. I also want to say I greatly appreciate everyone's support on this thread. I am most grateful for the help I am receiving, so thank you all.

A person can forgive and be kind and also not return to the situation in which they were harmed. Just saying that that is a legitimate, Christian option in my opinion.

You have a difficult and emotional weekend coming up. I gently offer you a suggestion to do something just for you. A hot bath, a manicure, a walk, or even just a few minutes staring at a piece of art in a library. Do something that nourishes you and will help you manage this stressful and emotional time.

I color or do something else creative/artistic when I'm overwhelmed. Origami and knitting are 2 of my new favorites. Sometimes I set a timer for 10 minutes and just start folding paper. The end result doesn't matter, it's 10 minutes of purposely focusing my head and hands on an activity I find soothing.

I know you didn't ask for a suggestion. I just think you need a few minutes to put your needs and wellbeing as a priority.

I wish I never had returned.

Thank you So much and I will. He works tomorrow so I have the day to myself. Yay.

He’s begging and pleading and is making more promises. I tried to end it yesterday. He’s pleading his case. I’m even more unhappy now. He was able to manipulate me into considering it, when the bottom line is, he’s broken yet another promise to me and I don’t trust him - nor can I. Enough with the broken promises. I’m tired of his manipulations. And that’s what they are. Simply words and more promises to keep me hooked.

And now I’m seriously unhappy that he is trying yet again to manipulate me.

He can’t possibly be happy in this marriage. Is he saying he is happy? He can’t possibly be. So why is he begging?

He claims to be happy with me. Why would you even say that?

How can be happy with these frequent fights? Unless he is the kind of person who just seeks drama. I can’t imagine people being happy with lack of peace in their life unless of course they are drama seekers. If he is one, then I see how he would be happy with it

I’d not trust what he claims. He claimed he agrees he is at fault in everything but then at the same time he was telling his coworker that you are to blame for things gone bad last time. He didn’t say that to you. What he thought and what he said to you didn’t exactly matched

It’s unusual for one partner be intensely unhappy and the other be perfectly happy all in the same relationship. But maybe it could happen.

I completely understand why you feel unhappy and angry. It's sad to me that your husband refuses to hear you when you tell him you don't like when he name calls and insults you and can't control his words like he can the volume of his voice. Promises now are irrelevant. He refused to listen when he was supposed to and that isn't going to change. It's unfair and selfish of him to expect you to endure misery so he can be happy.

I have a support group friend who says her ex is a wolf in sheep's clothing. She thinks of him that way to remind herself of the hurt and pain he caused for 15 years when she feels he is saying things to manipulate her. It seems to be working because she doesn't put up with his antics at all anymore.

I know the next few days are going to be difficult for you with your father's services. I wish you all the best while you manage this. I'm sure you will get through this and you will be ok. ((hugs))

Oh I see what you're saying. I have no idea. He claims he is happy with me. He is also going through hell over his mother's failing health and says he is not himself.

Thanks so much.

I feel like my husband is a wolf in sheep's clothing.

And. you are correct about him not listening to me when it mattered. I tried to talk to him about the insults and the fights without having to threaten a divorce. I even wrote out a full page on paper and he read it - all about the fights and the insults. What does he do? He ignores it and fights with me the very next weekend and after our couples therapy session.

So, I've ended things with him, & we slept in separate bedrooms. Yes, and before my father's service. It could not be helped. All was coming to a head and I had to do this for myself. My mother does not need to know any of this until after the service. I told her he is probably not coming because he is "not feeling well".

And I told him last night that I am not comfortable having him come to the service, so I asked him not to come. I also told him I cannot trust him, I cannot live this way and that the fighting for an entire month and the insults did me in. I told him he broke yet another promise to me, and therefore, the trust is now completely gone.

He was supposed to be rebuilding the trust. And he claimed that he made a Covenant with God to always treat me with respect and love. He also made a Covenant with God to never step out of the marriage again.

So, he breaks his promise to always treat me with love and respect, and all I can think is - what other promises will you break in the marriage? If you can break one, you can certainly break another, as you have done in the past. There is no trust anymore. He has shattered that. I cannot trust what he says - period.

So, I told him all of this last night and told him I have made up my mind. We're done. He's been begging and pleading with me, saying we can go to to a new therapist if this one is no good. And he begged for me to cuddle with him this morning - I refused. I am standing firm and I am standing strong in my stance.

He also makes things up - he recently tried to tell me that I had wanted him to come home from his friend's house because I missed him or didn't want him there. This was completely made up! I never did such a thing, and I know I never would have done such a thing. He LIES and makes up his own version of reality!

I have to say that I feel relieved this morning. The burden has been lifted. I cannot live in misery, I cannot live mistrusting my husband all the time, and I am choosing to live in peace and happiness instead.

That feels good - to take control of my life and to head in a direction that is far healthier. This feels very right for me. I know it's not going to be easy, but I'd rather be happy and single then miserable and mistrusting my husband.

AND, I do not trust that he wouldn't step out of the marriage again. I called multiple psychics - yes, I did, and a half dozen said he already has and is doing this again. Several said no he is not - so, who knows what the real truth is - I got contradictory information, and I know you have to take this all with a huge grain of salt. But, it solidified for me that I DO NOT trust him and that I believe he could very well do that to me again.

He’s trying really hard to manipulate me but I’m not feeding into it or engaging. I’m distancing. I left the apartment before he came home from work so I can be alone. I am out with a friend and will stay away for several hours. Ahhhhhhhhh…,, this decision feels good.

Hurtful people always get nice and full of promises when they are faced with a credible threat of the loss of the person they are hurting.