I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

Why do you need to explain why you are taking a day off? Are there requiring explanations? Not feeling well or appointment or have urgent business to attend to. They don’t need to know anything about personal problems or any problems. Not like you are taking FMLA for a month

I just get anxious since I’ve taken many days off, but kind of spread out too. But you’re right… they don’t need to know why exactly.

How might you fend him off so as to avoid all interactions with him?

My take on why he is both loving and abusive: He is loving in a manipulative way, he hopes to get you back. But even so he can't hold back his narcissism--he can't tolerate anything that questions/challenges his ego--and so he is compelled to defend and attack when that ego feels threatened.

I never go into any detail when I take time off, the only way I would is if they require me to provide a doctor's note or something. It's personal. Are they asking?

He's coming over tomorrow eve to pick up more of his things. I may decide to not be here.

And yes, it's the cycle of abuse - he love bombs and is all nicey nice with an agenda in mind, then he explodes and abuses me. It continues.....

My boss didn't ask, but I did say it has to do with divorce crap, so that he would be understanding and not believe that I just didn't want to work on a Monday.

And of course, he's being all nicey nice right now, asking me if he can buy me things i need for the apartment, and what else can he do for me. I am telling him, "nothing" and "please don't get me anything".

Just to clarify, I was talking about the therapist's response to your email about him/T sharing his "observations" with your husband. T shouldn't share anything when you are not present.

I was commenting on T's statement to you, not whatever your husband claimed was shared (or not) by the therapist.

Oh ok. Here is my T's text to me verbatim (copied and pasted here):

Texting used for scheduling and quick messages, not for discussions. As I said, I can be available if needed for you to continue. Otherwise, I assure you anything discussed separately would not exceed the pertinence of what happened in any of the couples sessions.

And here was my reply:

I appreciate that, but you are not aware of the fact that X is an abusive narcissist. He was able to charm you, and make you think that I am misinterpreting him and that I am to blame for all the issues in our relationship. I never felt validated by you in my experience of the abuse , which is why I quit therapy. Thank you.

About work: since you gave a reason already, there's no need to further justify. If your boss asks more questions, simply say I appreciate your concern. I apologize for sounding frustrated earlier. I'm looking forward to calmer times. No additional detail needed.

When I get anxious, I over explain myself and forget that some people are on a need to know basis. And not everyone needs to know every detail of my life. I do think it's important for an employer to know your life is changing. Divorce is a major life event no matter how you look at it. You are bound to have both good days and bad days. Keep doing your best to have good days and you will make it through this.

He wants to buy you stuff? He recently asked you for money again. Now he has the money?

Thank you! He didn’t ask any more questions so I didn’t say anything further. I think he understood when I simply mentioned “divorce crap”, lol.

He hasn’t asked me for money lately. But yes he wanted to buy me anything I may need. What a crock of BS.

This is precisely my experience of him, since breaking off the relationship and announcing I want a divorce:

I avoided seeing him last night. I left the apartment before he arrived. I think that was a good plan. I was heading out for music and didn't want him to spoil my night.

I went out and tried to have a good time, but I felt a heavy cloud over my head.

He had asked me if I had unfriended him on Facebook, and I said yes. He said that he thought we were going to wait until after the divorce to do that - so I said what does it matter? It has to happen at some point anyways. So he says he has "nothing to hide" - he also tells me he can no longer see my status - so basically, he's stalking my Facebook to see what's going on and if I am dating already, by checking my status.

I feel strung out. I am so tired of interaction I have to have with him.

Social media is of no importance. Why is he even bringing up unfriending or status. Childish. It’s not real life. He needs to go live in reality. If you don’t see him in person, where is he asking you all these questions? Texting? Don’t respond. It’s not important and has no validity. It’s a pointless conversation. This back and forth is useless

You have all of the information you need about him....childish, vindictive, verbally abusive, etc., etc. etc. I know how difficult it is to not respond to his "crazy-making" behavior; but it can be done. Every time you respond to his craziness, you have HIM control over you, and that is what he wants. He can't argue by himself. You wouldn't go into an insane asylum and have a conversation with those people. Think of him as mentally ill and try to stop responding. I think I told you about the book which saved my sanity: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. 1 in 3 women will be physically assaulted and it all begins with verbal abuse.

Thanks, @divine1966 and @Marie123.

I realize that social media is of little importance, but to him, it seems to be everything. He is texting me these things. I am trying hard to minimize our interactions, but it doesn't always work.

This morning he wanted to call to talk about the remaining items he has to pick up in the apartment. I simply told him to just let me know if he plans on coming by after work today. I don't want to talk to him.

I may get that book - the Verbally Abusive Relationship.

I do think of him as being mentally ill. I know he's unstable and unwell. And I know I am on edge because I don't know when the next blowout will be or what I will get from him next. His hostility and gaslighting or insults and demeaning comments? Now he's being nice but he could turn on a dime. It makes me very much on edge, and I am trying hard to avoid him.

Good job unfriending him!

Would you want to leave whatever he has left outside?

Can you have the locks changed?

Thanks Bill!!!

He has to go through our kitchenware and I don’t know what’s his and what’s mine. We need to figure that part out together. He’s coming by tomorrow night to pick up the last bits of his things then on Monday to get his cats. He’s leaving them with me for now because he’ll be out of town for the weekend at his mother’s funeral.

To change the locks it costs $200. Ugh.

Kitchen ware? He’s petty. He can buy kitchen ware. Is he going planning on making big meals all of a sudden, that’s ridiculous. Not like he has little kids to feed. Of course if this is heirloom silverware belong to great grandmother it’s important but other than that the only people deal with spitting kitchen ware are trouble makers. I can’t believe this guy. It’s not a normal behavior. Way to stay relevant dude. Splitting forks and spoons

Things can be replaced and $200 is a small price to pay for peace of mind. Which is most important to you... your emotional and mental stability or the right half of some kitchen stuff and $200?
Sometimes we have tough choices to make. Make the best choice for you.

Good Lord when will he be DONE…. Lol

Either we split up our things between ourselves, or the judge will, so we have to do it ourselves. A necessary evil in all of this.

He called me breaking down and bawling this morning. Something told me to pick up the phone, so I did. He was asked to leave work because he broke down crying in front of a customer. He was a complete mess, talking about us and his mom, and I didn't know what to say.

With my permission, he came over during my lunch break to take more of his things from my apartment. He can hardly walk because he's in so much back pain, unless he is exaggerating that to make me feel sorry for him.

Then as he was leaving, he broke down again crying, saying he is not ok, that he is utterly destroyed from all of this and from losing his mother at the same time. He apologized yet again for all our recent fights and for "not being himself". He again tells me we could have worked things out.

After he left, I broke down in tears. I feel inhumane. But I am protecting myself, and I must be without him for my own mental health, sanity, peace of mind and happiness.

The $200 lock change fee is too much for me since I have to afford the lawyer, which may cost me $750. We're splitting the fees and his lawyer (hopefully) will function as a mediator representing both of us. We had agreed to split the legal fees. And, now I must afford my apt rent and bills by myself, which cuts deeply into my wallet.

The thing is that, as far as I can see, the way he behaved in the past month or two was not unusual or out of character for him, compared to what you had seen many times in the past.