I let him back in and now I am kicking myself #2

Nothing wrong with talking to people and seeking support. But it doesn’t need to be support from this particular person who cannot even be trusted on a normal day. In fact it doesn’t need to be a man. A good friend or social group or a family member or online forum could provide support. It’s logical to want a partner and it’s nice to have one. But it’s different from needing one.

You wanting your soon to be ex to support you through this, goes a bit against logic. If he’s an abuser, how are you seeking support from abusers.

Plus…

If you weren’t married to a man who doesn’t equally contribute, wastes money on frivolous things, isn’t reliable etc, you’d possibly not be in this situation to begin with

If you had a peaceful home life, you’d be able to devote energy into getting better at work tasks. Instead you had to deal with marital problems

I’d your husband didn’t have credit and money problems, you maybe wouldn’t have to work stressful high pay jobs that perhaps don’t match your skill set. You’d be able to maybe have reduced work load and less stressful job

If your husband didn’t waste money on nonsense, including drugs, and didn’t expect and encourage expensive unnecessary purchases, you’d be able to save enough to live 6 months with no income (maybe just unemployment). It’s recommended to have enough saved to manage at least few months .

If he wasn’t a cheating unreliable jerk, you’d not be divorcing. You can’t ask him to support you in something that he created. I understand seeking support in a neutral situation that he’s not at fault, like illness in the family, but not in all this

Your husband is partially at fault for creating situations you deal with. Seeking support from him is pointless

divine, you make solid points, but emotions are not logical - and I have an emotional pull towards my husband that makes me want to reach out to him. He has been my main support through some very difficult times - my go-to person. And often, he's had great advice and also supportive words for me. it's emotional, not logical.

It actually feels really empowering. I am able to feel my own feelings without others coloring them, not muddying the waters with their own that influence me. It’s not lonely at all and frees me up to do enjoyable things with others and have more time with others sharing ideas and being present.

Oh I get emotions, I just believe that here you need logic. It’s just how do you reconcile hating him and calling him abuser and monster, but then seeking his support because he is so supportive. I just don’t know how it works. I understand you do what you feel right but I don’t know how you feel like this negatively strong about him or tell him some strong negative things, but then want his support just few days later. I hope it works out whatever you decide to do

Because that's how abuse works. It's an addiction to the highs of the good times, and the promise of all that's good. I'm not just making that up - withdrawing from and breaking up with a narcissist is similar to having to break an addiction. The cycle of abuse makes the victim addicted to their abuser. It even changes the chemicals in your brain. This is how it works, and this is what I've read all over the internet.

So, I am breaking a bad addiction that has a stronghold on me. And that's exactly what this feels like.

It may not make any sense to you, as an outsider observing, but it makes perfect sense to me. His love bombing is making me forget about his meanness, which is exactly how this works.

I need support around breaking the addiction.... his kindness lately is getting to me - and that's exactly what he wants. He wants me to give in to him being kind, and that's how most women go back and cannot break the addiction.

Do you realize that statistically it takes victims an average of 7 times to finally leave an abuser?????? 7! That is because the addiction is SO strong, because they are SO manipulative and they are SO good at love bombing, making promises of change, and wooing the victim back.

I have got to break my addiction to him. I am still trauma bonded to him. This is the hardest fight of my entire life.

If you read up on the trauma bond, and the addiction in the brain that occurs, you would understand far better.



Addiction to the Cycle
Often in trauma bonds, the stages can be cyclical; after a significant conflict, there may be a cool down or honeymoon period. At this moment of peace, the abuser might apologize and start the love-bombing process all over again, which makes the target feel relieved and desired, thus positively reinforcing a dependency on this abusive cycle.

Just a moment...

I totally get it and have been in similar situations few times!

I think what confused me as the way you spoke about him all of a sudden in a loving manner about to fall back into his trap! I know you are fighting the battle. That’s why everyone on here trying to help you through that. Otherwise we’d not respond or would encourage you “yup he is supportive and your go-to person, so go back to him, he’ll help you out”..

This isn’t an easy battle!

Thank you for understanding.

I guess I need to watch more self-help videos to help me break the trauma bond - I was doing far better before I lost my job!!!! ARGH.

I share this issue with you. It’s not a dynamic in all abuse situations to go back and forth, just ones with the approach avoidance repetition compulsion. It is an addiction, a compulsion. Have you looked in to CoDA? I like how it is presented as an addiction, a 12 step kind of program like AA.

I think sometimes people keep going back not just because of addiction to drama/abuse, but also out of fear of being alone. Not knowing how to be alone. It might feel like it’s addiction to that particular person but if there was another one available, then maybe he’d suffice too. Just not being alone. I am very familiar with it. I dated and went back to some not so stellar dudes because I didn’t want to be alone. Getting to a place when it’s ok to be alone could be very healing and liberating. Not easy but doable

A LOT of victims become isolated from both family and friends, which is deliberate on the abuser's part. So, yes, loneliness can contribute, but it's not the only reason why people keep going back to their abuser. It relates much more to the cycle of abuse and addiction, that I spoke about earlier. And I know this, because I have educated myself on the topic.

Woke up at 4 am again, this time after dreams of my husband. We were getting back together in my dream, but he was dating someone else. It got messy and awful with two women in the mix. So I woke myself up and couldn't go back to sleep.

I rarely dream about him, but when I do, it's upsetting to me and unnerving.

At one point recently I had posted this on one of my FB abuse groups and also included it in my journal. It's a great reminder for me:

"When do we say, I care more about myself, my life, my financial stability, my mental health, my happiness, my self worth, my self esteem, my overall well being... and I deserve far better than this."

I am currently reading through my journal - thank goodness I've documented everything. It really helps to keep perspective and to keep myself grounded. It's empowering to read.

Perhaps you might add to your journal every day you do not talk to him.....as I did not allow myself to talk to someone who is toxic. Sending love.

I wish it were that easy!!!! But that may help. Thank you.

Here's more on the trauma bond and the addiction, that I found on Quora - it sums it all up perfectly!

HOW TO BREAK A TRAUMA BOND:

First things first. What exactly is a trauma bond?

A narcissist has a pattern of loving and caring, alternating with abuse and neglect.

These emotional ups and downs cause an over-exposure of mood-altering hormones to the partner's brain.

The brain then becomes addicted to these hormones.

Which, in most cases, causes the partner to return to the narcissist over and over again, to experience that emotional high.

It's a genuine chemical addiction to oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, cortisol, and adrenaline.

Aside from the physical addiction, the patterns of behavior in the love/hate cycle, reinforce codependency in the partner.

By giving affection in small doses and alternating those doses with long periods of abuse and neglect, the narcissist keeps the partner continuously engaged in the pursuit of love.

And that's why people “try so long” getting a narcissist to love them. It's a pursuit.

Now, how to break that trauma bond:

You need to recognize and really grasp the fact that your relationship is built on exploitation, not love.

Your codependency is causing you to make excuses for the narcissist and allowing them to continue abusing you.

You aren’t helping them by staying in the relationship, nor are you helping yourself. You can’t change them. Ever. They're incapable of change.

These are the things you need to understand and continue reading about and repeat to yourself:

Narcissists are disordered, they suffer from NPD. It's an incurable disorder.
Again: It's a disorder. It's, by no means, a reflection on you or your value.
The narcissist didn't love you because they're incapable of it. They suffer from NPD.
This was never personal. Narcissists are disordered and the way they treated you, is how that disorder manifests.
Your pain is caused by a physical addiction to hormones. Not by heartbreak.
It's a chemical dependency, not love.
It's created by the narcissists hot/cold behavior.
Like with any chemical addiction, you're going through withdrawal. And yes, it would be nice to give in to the craving. But it's destructive and will only hurt you more.
Like with any chemical addiction, the pain and despair will dissipate with time.
Like with any chemical addiction, you're gonna have good days and some bad days. They come out of nowhere and it's all perfectly normal.

That's all it takes really.

Understanding wtf is going on.

*takes Have Hope's traumas and throws them in the bin for her*

Setbacks.

I caved and I called him around 6 PM last night. It's like some force took over and dialed his number. I had had a couple drinks, and wanted to talk. No friend or family member was available to talk to me, so I called HIM.

Please, though, don't give me crap about it. I feel badly enough about myself as it is right now.

Naturally, he turned the conversation into one about us getting back together. Every time I tried to redirect him, he would inevitably come back to those points. And, just as everyone suspected, he interpreted this to mean that I must want him still. Well, I don't.

I also let him know that I have been let go from my job. I needed support, and he was in fact, supportive.

So, that was one set back.

The next one is that the VP of my last company looked at my LinkedIn profile last night, and also reached out to reconnect on LI. I don't know why he wants to stay connected. I had disconnected myself from most everyone from that job, including him.

But, more importantly, I lied about the results I achieved in my last job, and he viewed my profile before I could remove this info. I removed all the info that I had lied about, after accepting his request to connect.

But, now I am in a bit of a pickle because I am lying and he might have seen the lies I spun. I will give it a few days, or until Monday, and then I will have to add the info back. If he reaches out to confront me about it, I will have to be honest with him. Look dude, the last year did not help me whatsoever in my career - I had to fabricate achievements so that it seems I was successful in my role.

What else am I supposed to do? I must get a job!!!! And, I cannot leave that job blank!

And, the third set back I face today is that I got rejected for a job I was really interested in and very enthused about. I didn't even make it the first round of interviewing. The employer said my portfolio was too "light", and that I am better off in a digital marketing role that is strategic.

It was a Content Marketing Manager position for 125K! AND, two recruiters who reached out to me about it said my resume is awesome and that I would be GREAT for this role. I HATE recruiters!!!! They ALWAYS say the most positive things like that, only to have you be disappointed by a rejection in the end! They're never on the same page as the employer!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!

Then, one more thing happened yesterday that is not a set back, but another pickle I'm in.

A former client called me. He said his leads are far down on his website, and can I fix it or help him. I looked at his home page and told him it was a mess. We spoke for a while, and I said I would help him redesign his home page. He said he would pay me for an hour's worth of work. It will take me much more than an hour to rework his entire home page, but I told him money doesn't matter to me and that I am happy to help.

Now, this morning, I don't know if this is such a good idea. I don't know if reworking his home page will bring in more leads. I just don't know, and I don't have any data to base a redesign on. He cannot give me access to the data because my old agency would see it.

This is an uncomfortable position I've put myself in. Interviewing and applying for jobs is my first and top most priority. I have an interview next Wed, which will take a lot of prep time. And I must focus on job applications foremost and not this project. I said I would get it to him by next Thursday.

I am NOT in a good mood. I woke up this morning feeling really down about ALL of this. And I now wonder if my life is ruined because I had to take a month off from work a year ago and step down in my responsibility level. And now, I have to lie on my resume about my achievements as a result.

I know I am off topic talking about my career in this thread, but right now it's my life and I have got to get a job ASAP.

I am in a panic and am really bummed out.

Please try not to panic.

We all make mistakes, whether we've had a drink or not. Your feelings have reinforced you're doing the right thing distancing yourself from him.

As for your LI profile. many of us are "creative" about our career achievements. May be better to omit the lack of support from manager. To me, it's something to be discussed in confines of interview. Yes, a blank space for that role would generate suspicion with prospective employers. Unfortunately, employers these days attach a lot of importance to your social media presence/content. Yes, LI is classed as social media!

My experience of LI was to close my account. Got fed up of people from last employer viewing my CV. Being nosy, to find out what I was doing as none of them bothered to message me.

Don't worry about going off-topic, it's all linked to your personal experiences. As for the guy who only wants an hour's work from you, is there any way you can negotiate longer with him. Put it on a formal basis, get paid. Who knows, you could become self-employed....

Thank you for your kindness.

I have to keep my LinkedIn profile active. All employers want to see it and I have great recommendations as well on there.

And I know that many people stretch the truth on their resumes, and many flat out lie, like I am doing. At least I am not the only one!

And yes, I feel stupid for reaching out to my husband. Kicking myself there.

He just dropped off two dozen roses. I told him not to have any false hopes.

Wow. It would be more understandable if he sent you grocery delivered since you lost your job. Roses are clearly a romantic gesture and totally unnecessary. He thinks it’s only a matter of time before he is allowed to move right back in.

If I lost my job, the last thing I’d want is two dozen of roses. Stupid. Immature

In the past, what has come after his romantic gestures?

Good point!!!! He used to get me flowers every other week or so, so that's why he did this, I do believe. He knows I love flowers and they cheer me up.

I don't think he brought me flowers the last times that we had broken up. He likely thinks I will cave and that he will wear me down. He even used those words and said he will wear me down.