I let him back in and now I am kicking myself #2

Thank you, dear.... I like what you wrote here. I mean, I like the perspective you presented. And, I may agree with you on that, too. Maybe I am supposed to change how I do things and how I approach things now.

I do not have a pastor. I do not attend church. I listen to Joel Osteen instead on the TV. That's how I get my religious services these days. I would need to find a church and a pastor to speak with.

I could really use a therapist too.

(Ack. Joel Olsteen. Just saying. )

Another benefit of finding a church home is the sense of community it can bring. It can take time to find the right congregation, but I know the people from my church have been perhaps my greatest supporters.

And I do hope you can find a therapist or even a support group.

I like Joel O. because he delivers such positive messages. I believe in positive psychology and to me, this is along the lines of his messages, yet centered around religious beliefs.

I may find a church, in time. Not my top priority. I think finding a therapist or group is my top priority, in addition to getting a job.

You might do well, if you like that Charismatic, more contemporary worship styles to find a non-denominational church or a Unitarian Universalist church or Pentecostal I believe is similar in that it is Charismatic -- just an FYI. Often they are also rather large churches with many opportunities for groups, classes, social interactions, etc. which would be a great way to meet new people and find that support network that you seem to be looking for. , and it's not that time consuming a venture to pursue since, at least initially, it would only take a couple hours on Sunday mornings.

You can find those things in mainline denominations as well, but you have to be aware of the differences in church doctrine which varies greatly from church to church. I'm in a pretty moderate to liberal mainline denomination that I was raised in from birth, and I am very comfortable with it and find it very positive and sound in its approach, but it is also very liturgical and traditional in worship style which I love but is very NOT Joel Osteen-ish - LOL; I personally don't go for churches that preach the prosperity gospel - just don't find it at all Biblically sound. But . . . what a person looks for in a church is very individual so find what fits your needs. I know it's not your priority right now, but you may be putting off a rather easy, non-time-consuming way to find healthier supports and outlets that could help you deal with that whole loneliness factor that is seeming to really bother you lately.

Glad to hear you are setting good priorities. Keep it up.

We have a very friendly non denominational church adjacent to our subdivision. They do lots of good things in the community and I am sure they open their doors to everyone.

If I was Christian and had no home base religious institution, I’d walk there. I could see it from my window.

Prosperity gospel only applies to the US and affluent circles. Many good folks and devoted Christians living in developing countries live on a dollar a day and even that is a blessing. It’s not because they aren’t doing good in the world or don’t deserve it or G-d forgot about them but just because where they live. Heck some try to leave but we, land of prosperity, deport them and turn them away all while preaching prosperity. Extremely contradictory message. But to each its own.

There are many ways to find community and wholesome circles. It’s a lot of work. Often pushing yourself out of a comfort zone. But the outcome is better and healthier in a long run. There are many ways to combat loneliness. Some ways are healthier than others

You can do it. It’s encouraging that you are considering perhaps going back to your husband isn’t the best choice

My mother belongs to a Unitarian church. I think I would want a Christian church, if I were to go. Shopping for a good church seems like shopping for a good therapist. And, I need a therapist, or my abuse advocate to talk to.

Just leaving a and a slice of pizza and a cup of tea for a Have Hope

Awwwwwww, thank you!

In regards to your mom's "friend"---I would tell her (the friend).......If you choose to speak to me disrespectfully we will not have a conversation." The friend will immediately argue that she is not being disrespectful, etc. Abusers will always deny the abuse. Your mom can then refuse to talk to her, unless she stops the abuse. Being verbally abused is like having rocks thrown at you, and we would never allow that.

Agreed! My poor mother!!! I need to check in with her today, but basically her whole getaway is ruined because of her abusive gf.... little did my mother know it was this bad, ALL these years. Weird. 55+ years without knowing someone is in fact, abusive.

I never thought about that

Ok, please don't give me crap about this. I cannot emphasize this enough. It's the last thing I need right now. I am going to write about this here, just to get it out and let it out. I also need advice/solutions.

I literally think I have gone a bit crazy. I am doing non sensical things, and I am losing my good judgement. I am making poor decisions, and I am well aware of it, so no one needs to tell me this.

I slept with him. We spent Sat afternoon together, since he had invited me to his place as an escape from my existence. It was too hard to resist, because I badly need an escape, and here he was, offering me a day away from my job problems and a day dedicated to pampering me. I needed it and wanted it, so I agreed. Long story short, we slept together and cuddled for several hours.

He knows that this doesn't necessarily mean we are getting back together. I already prefaced the day by saying that. I also expressed beforehand my wish to not sleep together. Then I did, because it was too tempting, and I had a couple cocktails. I am weak, I know!!!! He even had said "no strings attached" when he invited me.

I recall an old friend telling me that she calls this the "mercy f*uk". Like, after you've broken up, have attempted no contact, and then both of you cave because there's no on else, and you want it, so you do it, against your better judgement. That's what this felt like.

Now, I know the problem inherent in doing this. He is going to have false hopes. He believes I still love him, and he told me this. He thinks I am only just fighting against my true feelings.

I also know that this was selfish of me, given how he feels and given what he truly wants from me. I feel badly enough about it as it is. I know it was selfish and self-serving of me.

He bought me some things. He bought me a crystal at the store we went to. When we got back to his place, I realized I had lost a favorite handmade earring at the store, so he bought me a replacement pair online.

Again, I know I have been selfish and self serving. No one needs to tell me this. And I know I am being very contradictory.

I cannot tell you guys enough how truly difficult my circumstances have been on me. I have cracked. I cannot change what I've done, and I cannot go back and erase it. I have to just deal with it and figure it out as I go along. What's done is done.

And now, I have to tell him once again, that I do not want a relationship with him, regardless of what happened on Sat. He's texting me a lot, acting as though we are back together again.

This is where I need advice --- I have no idea how to approach this with him? How do I tell him this?

I just admitted all of the above to my mother. She may have some sound advice, too. I am close enough with my mom where we can talk about these things.

How about....I will have no communication with you, unless it is regarding the divorce situation.

TY.

I think what I want to say is something like this:

It was really nice to be together Sat, and I think for both of us, it met some of our respective needs. I needed emotional support & comforting, which you gave me, and we both needed the physical closeness.

You had said in your offer no strings attached, and I had also told you that it doesn't mean we are getting back together.

And the reality is, being together in that way again doesn't fix or solve the issues, which are very much there for me. And, I just don't feel the way I used to feel. Emotionally, I cannot get back together with you… I just can't. I can't go there again.

You aren’t the first and will not be the last to sleep with exes or soon to be exes. Not the end of the world

Well he is a grown man capable of his own choices and decisions. Don’t make it about him. He isn’t a teenager losing virginity to you. Grown men know what they do. By the same token you could consider his actions selfish. He knows that when you drink you make bad choices yet he chooses to sleep with you. Plus he knows you are vulnerable and desperate right now so he knows love bombing makes you weak so he’s not even a bit confused. And you know he is manipulative. So no way to know what’s on his mind. He’s doing major love bombing. And sleeping together was a culmination of intense love bombing that he knows always works on you.

So I’d stop portraying him as innocent angel falling into claws of conniving selfish Hope. It’s far from the truth

I’d not be writing lengthy letters and texts and emails. You’ve been writing those all along but. Nothing ever changes as it accomplished only one thing: keep communication open.

Just say “that was a moment of weakness, i do appreciate the support and want to part on good terms, but I am moving on with my life and need to focus on job search”.

Telling him how you needed physical closeness is unnecessary. It’s not something he needs to know.

That sounds good, Hope

Hope is not a bad person

Just saying

^^^this.

He's preying on you when he knows you're scared, vulnerable and overwhelmed. The only thing to say is. "I was weak and vulnerable and you took advantage of that. I'm moving forward with my healthier choices. Please stop contacting me."

Remember that every word you say, every word you text, he will use to keep manipulating you.
Stop giving him things to hurt you with and to refine how he preys on you. He's going to keep doing this. The only way to make it stop is to get out of the relationship.

Don’t portray him as your victim. Quite the opposite. It was, unfortunately, rather predictable. He knows you are vulnerable and just how to manipulate you. Break off contact. Regroup. Continued contact just opens you up to more problems. Sounds like you are able to get some support from your mom. That’s a safer outreach for support than the person you are trying to escape.

Regroup. Move forward.

Thank you so much, everyone.

I will take everything you've each said into account.

In thinking on it more, I believe he is just as responsible as I am in this. We've both played a hand in this latest thing between us, and I acknowledge my own part. Subconsciously I knew he would try to help, and was aware of this on some level. But I am also very vulnerable and susceptible to his love bombing right now too, and he knows this and is taking advantage of that. He's opportunistic. And, I think he bought me things to manipulate me into being with him.

Still thinking on all of this and on the best way to approach it with him. I don't need to be angry or bitter this time. And, I don't need to come down on him. I just need to be clear that I don't want a relationship. He wants more, & I would prefer a platonic friendship. So there's nowhere for us to go except to part ways again and say goodbye for good.

I’d probably not say that he took advantage because it would just antagonize him. I honestly think saying less is better. Just my thought. Agreed with the rest

I agree with you, and wasn't thinking of saying that to him... only that I don't want a relationship and that I cannot do it emotionally again. That's all I really need to say, at the crux of it all.

I prefer to part on good terms in most circumstances. But I don’t see any need to be friends with ex husbands unless you are raising children together or must remain in each others lives (like if he is a brother of your best friend and you must continue seeing him at events).

I don’t think it’s wrong to help one’s ex or soon to be ex in times of need. I don’t believe though that buying crystals, earrings, restaurant dinners and alcohol and sleeping with you is the kind of help one needs. When he dropped cat food, that was the help I understand. That’s the help friend would provide. I had house robbery years ago and my ex husband sent workers to install a second door with the special lock in my house to prevent that from happening again. There was no manipulation in that. I understand friendly conversation or advice from ex. Things he does are not “friend” actions.

Yeah, you're right. I think it's good for us to part on better terms, if we can, since we WILL run into each other in our music circle and at music venues. It's best if it's not contentious & if we can at least be amicable and friendly with each other. I think. Previously, I didn't care, but now that I've seen him out and know how awkward and terrible it truly can be, it would be better if we can at least end amicably.