I let him back in and now I am kicking myself #2

Dearest Hope: He only has the power that you.....give him. You could call the suicide hotline. I am thinking of you so much

This isn't supposed to be about me, but your mention of periodontal disease and the dentist; I just found out I need 3 crowns, a root canal and...an extraction; I have been seeing the dentist and periodontist faithfully for 40 years!

I know you are in a terrible struggle, but if you keep going, someday you can look back and be grateful you didn't take your life. One little saying I like is: The best is yet to be...and I know that can be hard to believe when you are in a fight for your life and sanity......dear friend.

I don't know about attachment issues.. ? But I know I am trauma bonded, I am also very much alone, I have no one to hang out with, and I am wanting/needing company and support. It's the perfect recipe for me to fall back in with seeing him again.

I really think I need a therapist... and, I need my abuse advocate, who hasn't replied to my plea for a call with him. UGH.

And thanks so much regarding what I did, i.e., sending his friend screenshots of our texts. I feel horrible about it now. But yes, extreme stress DOES bring out the absolute worst in me and anyone else, and yes, I am only human. I make mistakes, just like we all do. I must forgive myself.

Thank you, dear.

I am no longer feeling suicidal, so that's good at least. I am off the ledge!

I am so sorry for your own dental issues! That's a lot of work ahead of you.... ugh! I am supposed to now get cleanings every 3 months instead of every 6 months, due to my condition. I will follow through on this, this time around.

One of my good friends always says to me "the best is yet to come". We laughed and said we should each put that saying on our gravestones, lol.

This IS a fight for my life AND sanity right now. It's craziness.

Maybe. My faith tells me that good and evil exist along with free will. I don’t believe the bad in the world is God’s cosmic plan. I do believe my faith gives me strength and discernment to make wise choices. But they ARE choices, and I can just as easily make poor decisions if I use God as my rationale for my bad choices. I am a person of strong faith, but with that faith comes responsibility.

I am hearing you slide into rationalizing your poor decision to go back to a man you have been describing as narcissistic, abusive, unfaithful, etc. You’re scared. I get that. I may get that more than most. But I don’t have a husband to help me. My husband died. I MUST figure life out on my own. What that has taught me is that I am stronger than I ever realized. I have gotten through the worst life could throw at me and found my own path.

You can choose to repeat your abusive and dysfunctional relationship with your husband to “solve” your temporary situation, OR, you can choose to find your own path and find solutions that will be your own. I believe you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

It’s time to give yourself some credit.

Thank you! Although I didn't say I was going back to him. I am only saying I am leaning on him right now for support. That doesn't mean I am going to return to him as husband and wife.

You were forced to find your own path after your husband died. That's different.

As mentioned, it's a perfect storm I am in right now that is leading to me lean on my husband more than I have been.

My friends all live out of state. I cannot just call a girlfriend to go hang out at any time. I talk to my girlfriends on the phone, but at the end of the day, I sit here in my apartment, all alone every day, with no one around me and only my cat to give me some amount of comfort.

I am terrified about my career right now - absolutely terrified. I got fired. I am scared, I am alone, I have no one to hang out with & here he is, offering me love, and support.

Still, it does not mean I am going to rekindle the relationship in full. I am wary of that.....

You call it a poor choice. I call it desperation for support.

I’m just saying desperation often leads us to make poor decisions. One thing I have had to learn to do is to slow myself down and think things through before making any decisions — even little ones. My brain has serious widow brain and everything is just harder. Not having that person to talk to and support me has put everything on me. That’s where you are too.(Please don’t assume my situation is easy because the option of choice is out of my hands. It isn’t. The difference is I hold all responsibility for my life and struggles now, including big and little life decisions.) That’s really true for you too. You have this opportunity for independence. 😂 That’s what I keep trying to tell myself anyway, and yeah, it can truly suck, but it’s a challenge I am willing to take on (even though it was forced on me as you say).

I understand the aloneness you are experiencing. I’ve had to find resources for support in places I have never looked before. You can do this, Hope. You have more strength and ability than you are giving yourself credit for. I’m glad you are being careful about your husband; just keep those boundaries healthy and don’t let your desperation place you in compromising positions.

Thanks so much for the vote of confidence! Btw, I wasn't assuming anything about your situation. I can only imagine how difficult and trying it's been for you. I was only saying that you have been forced to rely on yourself foremost.

I will keep my boundaries healthy, and I will keep my wits about me. But right now, I am leaning into this. Maybe God intends for my husband to help me through my difficulties right now.

I just don’t believe relying on a narcissistic , abusive man (by your own assessment) is what God has in mind. (The Bible and history is full of stories of people falling for false “prophets.”) Just consider that you’ve been down this road before, multiple times, and he has never maintained his ability to honor you. Believe people when, over and over and over, they show you who they really are.

I’ll stop. I don’t think you really want to hear this.

People here keep warning you because we have watched this play out over years, and we care. But bottom line, you will make your own choices based on your perception of the situation. We care though, or we wouldn’t try.

Best of luck as you move forward.

I understand... fully, I do understand. And I appreciate the caring words and advice - very much so. I will be careful. And I will be mindful.

I honestly do not understand God or God's ways. I had prayed to receive a man in my life who would marry me. I prayed to God, verbatim, saying "You know what I need". Then, I met my husband the very next month, or within one month of that prayer. Then within one month of dating, he wanted to marry me. I thought he was the answer to my prayer.

And here we are today, still connected, unable to let go of each other fully. I don't know what it means. I am sure God does not intend for me to be abused.... of course not, I cannot imagine that. BUT, God did place this man in my path.... I am either learning a lesson, or perhaps my husband is there simply to help me through right now, without any further commitments, and through all of my recent. troubles, for which my husband has been there.

That is great advice.

Be careful with honeymoon spans .

I am also a person of faith. However I refuse to believe that G-d places women into bad situations so they can learn that they need men to survive, especially abusive and unfaithful men . No way.

I believe G-d gives us choice. Choices to make wise moves and choices to repeat mistakes and learn lessons. Believing that G-d really wants us to make unhealthy choices is kind of a dangerous thing because that’s how people justify abuse and some really horrible things. Is it easy to leave? Heck no. Could you choose to stay. Of course. No one can and no one should stop you.

But loneliness isn’t the best reason to stay with abuser. You really need to expand your life. I don’t know how long you lived in your state but it sounds that you don’t know anyone and have no one to talk to. Except some questionable people. I’d make an effort to make friends in the area. Girlfriends. At least one. Wholesome people.

I sometimes dated men because I had no friends at the time. I made a big change making sure it never happens again. You can certainly do it

Bottom line if you want to go back to your husband, of course you could. But just give it some more thoughts. Not be guided by addiction to romance and excitement (which never lasts) but by deep thought if this is the marriage you want.

None of us know why He does what He does (if he exists). If we are to believe He made your husband's and your paths cross, His reasons for that are still unknown. Perhaps He wanted you to be alone, to find your true core and come to peace with it, and so He sent you an abusive husband to encourage you to stay clear of men. The point is that we don't know. Please stay safe Have Hope.

I don't believe that God intends for me to be abused, or for me to realize I need a man, or in particular, an abusive one. I never said that.

I just don't know why God placed this man in my path, or why God has made it nearly impossible for me to fully walk away due to repetitive life circumstances. If God intends for me to learn a lesson, fine, but why has God created circumstances that are making it impossible to move on? BOTH times I've tried to leave????

My husband is now claiming that he "gets it" and that he has changed for the better, in realizing where he went wrong with me. He sang this exact tune the LAST time we got back together. He said back then that he "gets it", that his behaviors came from his father, that he is ashamed of how he has acted, that he will ONLY treat me with respect and love from now on. He even promised God and Jesus this. Then, he broke his promise yet again, by fighting with me incessantly for over a month, taking his stress & issues out all on me and insulting me through the process. So, again, he is now saying he "gets it", that his behaviors came from his father, and that he was too thick headed to absorb this at the time when I told him his behaviors were unacceptable.

And correction: I have lots of acquaintances. But these people are not my close friends. I don't hang out with them 1:1 outside the music scene. I know plenty of people, but my closest friends are all out of state except for 1 girlfriend. I have another girlfriend who is also local to me, but we're in such different phases of life that we never see each other.

If God's will in this is unknown, and you realize you don't understand it, why you use His unknown will to justify your choices? I don't think either that He wants you to be with an abusive husband, so the question beggs why would you stay with that husband, when it is so clearly not God's will?

@AliceKate, how am I using God's will to justify my choices? I don't understand your post. Can you please articulate that further?

I wrote above that I don't believe God's will is for me to stay with an abusive husband. But my husband is claiming he is changing all for the better, that he "gets it" now, and that he wants to do right by me. Is my husband truly able to change? And is THAT God's will? That my husband has stuck with me through thick and thin, and is willing and capable of changing? Am I supposed to believe him, or walk away.... ? WHY is God creating life circumstances for me that are making it SO difficult for me to walk away fully?

When I was with my husband, I used to pray all the time for God to eliminate ALL abusive behaviors in my husband. I prayed every day for this. So, is God answering this prayer of mine? And is God creating the same circumstances, pointing me back to my husband again, to give him another chance?

I do not know the answers -- no one can know.

Bottom line is: I can choose, and I have to make the best choice I can for myself right now. I'm definitely confused & conflicted for certain, but in my gut, I don't think I will ultimately get back together with my husband.

I hope you don't. My point was that God's will is unknown and thus using it to make any argument whatsoever is pointless. You must choose, and you must accept the consequences for your choices, as well as ultimately for your circumstances. Why? Because the only thing you can change is your own behavior. God's will or whatever is not yours to know or change. Choosing to leave your husband now may alter the circumstances, hopefully for the better. Sticking with him will not alter your circumstances, and so there is no hope for improving them. This is as I see it, and I have no more than that to say in regards to this subject. good luck.

@AliceKate You sound hostile and honestly a bit antagonistic, which I do not understand. I am in a VERY bad situation in my life. I'm not using God's will in ANY way. Your last post is extremely triggering to me and is putting me on the defensive. Please don't post anything further. Thank you.

On a different subject or back to the same subject, I feel safe with my husband and also unsafe and uncertain. I am trying to discern my feelings and true emotions here.

We went to dinner last night, and it was nice. I felt safe and comfortable as friends, and we had some good laughs together. At the same time, the thought of being with him again romantically makes me feel unsafe and extremely uncertain.

I could be friends with him, but I don't think I can get involved again.

And my mother JUST reminded me of the behaviors that make me feel unsafe. And the truth is, I don't know when those behaviors will creep into the mix again, making things very unstable and uncertain.

My mother is on vacation with a good friend of hers - her college roommate that she's known for 55+ years. This friend of hers is flying off the handle, at least once per day, becoming aggressive, antagonistic, abusive and bullying towards my mother. We just talked about it and I helped her to come up with an offense for the next time it happens. I told my mom she needs tools in her toolkit for how to handle the next incident. My mother now lives in fear of the next incident, walking on eggshells with her friend.

This is exactly what happens in the abusive relationship. And no matter what my husband says about his newfound perspective and epiphanies, I cannot trust that he will not repeat the behaviors in a different way, I cannot live with the mistrust inside myself towards him, and I cannot live with the uncertainty and fear of repeated patterns.

So, I have my answers.

Everyone learns in their own way. I feel empowered with an understanding of the science behind what is happening. I put in enormous effort to learn it, had to search and delve very deep. But just knowing the basis is only the start to healing. Stopping the bad behaviors and toxic relationships are another really rough road. I’ve also learned it is healthy to be alone with yourself sometimes, and to simply feel emotions and let them pass. This seems to be the next step in recovery. It’s a work in progress for all of us.

For me honestly the main reason to end this marriage and to not consider things like dating him or even be friends would be him flirting with a coworker and texting her that he hopes to see her in her dreams. Even if nothing more happened, this would be not something I’d ever move on from.

Other things might be forgivable depending on people’s tolerance level. Like some people argue and have lots of drama in their marriage. Not my cup of tea but I understand that husband or wife could be forgiven for tending to argue. And people could work on arguing less

Not this stuff. I’d always think he is doing it again and what women he likes now or maybe even worse. And knowing that he has bad boundaries with women in general, that text of his would kill it for me. I’d never trust him again

I'm wondering if you would be open to speaking to your pastor (or whoever your religious advisor is)? From my perspective, you need answers to questions you can't answer on your own. I've faced a similar challenge and found finding answers about faith to be helpful.

I have my perspective on your current situation based on my own experiences. Is it possible that this abusive, narcissistic, manipulative person is in your path and a major temptation when you are stressed, because you are supposed to change your path just enough to go around him? That you are supposed to find out how to deal with all these things in a different way than you used in the past? Those choices led you back to here, so it seems like you need to do things differently to no longer be stuck in this pattern. That's just my perspective.

What do you have to lose to talk to a pastor? It's free, it's confidential, and you will feel less alone. That may be enough to start small changes for the better for you.

You deserve to be fully happy, not just sometimes happy trying to connect bits of times together where happiness didn't last.

I know - that is very difficult for me to get past... I tried to get past it when we got back together, and it worked for me for a while until he started telling me repeatedly that that happened because we "were in a bad place" and we "were having a bad time then". After hearing him say this on more than one occasion, it did not give me ANY confidence that it wouldn't happen again, if we were having a rough patch again, ya know? Instead, he should have been saying to me repeatedly, "I was in the wrong, and no matter WHAT troubles we are facing as a couple, I will NEVER do that again". But, he didn't say this to me. I could forgive and let go, if I truly believed it was a one-off and uncharacteristic of him. BUT, I do not know this, and therefore, I do not trust him.... I feel like it could happen again, if we're having a tough time again.

AND, when we were having a rough time again, in the last month before I kicked him out for the 2nd time, I became mistrustful, thinking he was going behind my back with other women. I was very concerned, and it is because we were having another rough patch.

It's not only that.... it's everything combined. It's the fact that he screamed at me for the first 2.5 years of marriage. Then, he cheats on me. Then, after we get back together, he breaks his promises yet again, that he made to ME, to God and to Jesus , that he would only treat me with love and respect AT ALL TIMES. Instead, what does he do???? He chooses to lay into me, repeatedly, for over a month, fighting with me and causing major disruption and stress in my life!

So, it's the WHOLE picture. And now, he wants me to believe that he's changed? I don't trust it... and I cannot live in a relationship where ultimately and deep down, I don't feel safe and where I mistrust the person.

That’s an excellent excellent idea. I didn’t think of that. It’s perfect. About pastor

I know it’s not the same situation, as it’s not divorce but losing a spouse to death, but when my late son in law passed unexpectedly, my daughter’s rabbi was a tremendous help to her as finding a therapist in a hurry was too much. In fact her temple was a huge help for all of us and for her for several years after. Not only her rabbi but a social group she had there. She and her husband (she married second time 5 years later) now belong to a different synagogue as they live in a different area, and new rabbi is excellent. But I can never forget those people and their help in need

Pastor/priest/rabbi are there for times like this. But also other people you might meet there. Support group or social group, maybe even divorce support group. Whatever denomination you belong to. And maybe that’s a good time to check out churches if you don’t normally go. Religious institutions provide great sense of community and not only in a sense of faith.

The only reason I mention all that is because you said you are a believer. I’d never suggest that randomly