Trying to move forward

One of my wife's new friends talked in front of our daughter about how much fun it was to be on dating apps because of the constant positive attention you get.

She also said, Men will do things for you, and you don't even have to give them anything, its just the hope of them getting something.

This is what "empowered and independent" looks like to them.

Anyways, I'm healthier when I don't think about her.

A very selfish inappropriate thing to say in front of an impressionable young 13 year old.

This is a time when your daughter should be exposed to theater and the arts and nature. Your daughter should be exploring different things to see if there is something she might want to do in life.

Kathryn Hepburn exposed herself to swimming, golfing, theater and met all kinds of interesting people.

Your daughter should not be seeing her mother drunk and “hanging out” with friends that talk like that. Nothing to aspire to.

Gross.

That's not far from wanting to be a sugar baby.

Good you recognize the peace and health of putting her out of your mind.

(Hug)

Yuck. Gross. How sad... I agree, you're healthier not thinking about THAT person.

So.... how does someone become ''indifferent''? I was trained (forced ) to be codependent (to stay alive )....I actually feel ''indifference' is cruel. That person does indeed sound overly ''needy'' and a ''cry baby'' etc. I'm still not sure that being ''indifferent'' is healthy either though.... Anyway I have not ''mastered'' that ''art''...

ETA but yeah... sometimes No Contact is required with a terminally Self Involved person Their ''neediness'' and constant manipulative and cruel mind games are ''exhausting'' .... at best.... It's hard not to be ''angry'' at such Selfishness...

Toxic/self centered people need all the attention to revolve around them. They learn to manipulate others emotionally to get a sense of power. They don’t have the ability to sit and listen and comfort. They only know they have to learn techniques to pretend they care, but it’s an act and they find it exhausting and boring. They are the ones that are indifferent. And they have these toddler meltdowns until THEIR needs are met. You must be attentive to THEIR needs, otherwise they have varying meltdowns.

HOWEVER, if someone is ADHD, they genuinely struggle due to how their brain is wired this is on the autism spectrum and there is a genuine struggle within self as they can get overwhelmed. ADHD doesn’t mean stupid, but instead it tends to present as disorganized and tendency to get overwhelmed, impatient, and bored. Yet, these individuals can get hyper focused and work on something for hours until it’s accomplished. This is often confused with manic episodes when it’s not.

Once alcohol abuse/addiction is added, everything revolves around the constant self medicating with alcohol.

If someone is emotionally manipulative, they are maladaptive and the only way to break free is learn how to not react and become indifferent. They are lost if they can’t emotionally control.

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One of my wife's new friends talked in front of our daughter about how much fun it was to be on dating apps because of the constant positive attention you get.

My wife's new best friend also said, Men will do things for you, and you don't even have to give them anything, its just the hope of them getting something"

This was stuff friend said, in both cases, not my wife.

My wife didn't push back against these comments though.

Once our daughter heard this stuff and repeated it to me, I told my wife that woman wasn't welcome in our home anymore. She could let her know or I would. I also said, our daughter doesn't go anywhere with the two of you, because this woman talks like this in front of daughter.

That was at least a year ago.

ADHD is inherited so if a parent has it there is a high percentage their child may inherit it. That’s why learning about it and paying attention to your children is important.

I am extremely grateful to individuals who want to know the why behind behaviors and challenges. Their ongoing study and discoveries have led to important changes in how to help those who struggle. There are many individuals that struggled and have finally gotten diagnosed in their 30’s and 40’s.

I believe you, I have come across women like this. They are users and will take advantage. Glad you put your foot down.

What a disgusting person. You’d think nowadays women would want to teach their daughters to be independent not looking for a poor sap to pay your bills. Terrible. I really hope there are women in your family/circles who could be positive role models for your daughter. Clearly it’s not her mom and her friends

Yes, we have other people in our orbit who are more family minded and more independent.

I'm going to say too, my daughter is treated like MY kid. She explores outdoors with me, works on the house, and works out with me. I'd take her to football games and used to tell her, "You throw the ball. Don't be the girl that cheers for the boy, or dates the boy, that throws the ball. YOU be the one who throws the ball." Then I used to take her to college girls basketball games for the same reason. She visits job sites with me for work and has met a number of bad-butt tradeswomen.

That’s really cool.

That’s good that you include her in different activities and have a healthy father daughter relationship. That can help her be drawn to a healthier man down the road. The father is a very important role model. ❤️

Thanks for thinking that's really cool.

Her brother is very outdoorsy, and she's spent a ton of time exploring and fishing with him.

Yeah, she's been self conscious about being strong, because she really is very physically strong. Even in elementary school I would encourage her, "If you can run faster than the boys or do more push ups, you do it. You push for what you can do."

She told me once that boys don't like that. I said, "Then find one who's stronger. You don't have to care what boys think, just the one you pick. A strong boy, or a good one, will like that you're strong."

Sounds like some great parenting from a great Dad.

RD, that's amazing. You are encouraging her to be herself, and to not dumb herself down just to be liked by boys. What great parenting!!!

Thank you.

Being a good Dad really matters to me. I actually try, and I actually work on getting things right or getting better at being a parent.

Being a good husband mattered to me too.

My daughter had a counselling appointment last week, and told the counselor that when she woke up scared, or woke up because she had a night time bed wetting accident, or whatever when she was little, she always came to my side of the bed because she knew I'd get up and look after her. She and I have a ton of stories and songs we've made up together. Literally hours and hours of them, which also means we have a ton of inside jokes. I used to lay in bed with her at bedtime and sing old folk songs, and old rock songs, and we'd make up stories about the lyrics of those songs that incorporated the toys in her room.

Awww, how wonderful. Good for you!!

You could be the best husband in the world, but if the wife isn't receptive, it won't matter. It's not your fault. She would never meet you in the middle, and that's pretty much the only way it works.

Love the dynamic with your daughter. I once read that the difference between a child who grows up to be successful, and one who doesn't, is the involvement of a mentor. Someone who believed in them and encouraged them. It seems like you've got that covered for your kids

Someone has to talk me out of reacting to something.

Keep in mind.... No accountability, thought she'd be powerful and "independent" while extracting a ton of money from me.

We still have a joint account that the mortgage payments, and some other automated payments come out of.

My pay has been redirected to another account months ago.

A couple of months ago she told me she accidentally used the wrong account out of habit when buying herself something. Then she told me she accidentally used the wrong account when getting gas. I replied, "It's $100 total. It's not a big deal." She insisted that things be equal, so she paid it back.

Two days ago, I deposited some money into the account to cover an automatic payment for an activity our daughter is in. My wife transferred that exact amount to her personal account the next morning.

So I went back through and checked, and found out she has transferred another $140 in small sums to herself.

I'm just choked by the audacity of this. She paid me back $100, and then quietly lifted another $140 from me, then swooped the $180 for our daughter.

This, to me, is desperation. I don't think she can afford to live alone. Her "friends" aren't going to take her in. And she can't admit she was wrong, and she can't come home. There is no big pay out coming anytime soon.

I want to lose it with her for this.

Consider the following reaction:

Close/change/block/stop funding the account so she cannot continue to take the money.

Say nothing to her about it.

Express feelings about it here, to trusted friend, etc., but not to her.

Based on my experience, this may be just another form of baiting. What she wants and needs most is a reaction from you, because that's control and a connection with you. Don't give her what she wants.

ITA, manage the account so that whatever she does doesn't surprise you and doesn't harm or affect you.

It's a tough account to navigate, because our mortgage is tied to it.

I'm going to the bank today to see if I can have the mortgage payments and other automated payments redirected to my personal account.

The joint account requires us both to agree to changes though. It has $1000 overdraft limit which accumulates a crazy amount of interest.

I've paid it to zero twice, and it is dipped into again.

I may just have to try to redirect all payments to my personal account, and let that one bottom out the overdraft, then just continue to put in enough to pay the interest on it.

I see this as a form of baiting too.

It's just the audacity to take something out that is earmarked for our kid. And she knew when to expect the deposit.

I wonder if the overdraft limit could be set at or closer to zero.