Should I tell my picky friends that I’m upset with them or not?

I have a small group of friends that are picky & rigid. We made plans to celebrate my birthday but the plans kept changing. I had to change the restaurant that I chose twice because one lady didn’t like my choices.

She then wanted me to change the time from 5p.m to 1p.m. When I said no, she said she couldn’t come anymore. The other women in the group are enablers & they always agree to do whatever she wants.

Then the second time the other two women canceled at the last minute. One said she was sick. Then the other lady who confirmed that she’d be there all of a sudden said she was sick too.

She has an auto immune disease, so I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Then today this other lady didn’t want to go to the place that I chose as it’s to noisy & to far away!

I just discussed this with my husband & he told me that I shouldn’t say anything to them if I want to keep them as friends. He said that this is typical difficult spoiled female behavior, ugh.

So I don’t have a right to set boundaries then? Why are they like this? It’s not fair. They often try to do everything early & they rarely make compromises.

It’s frustrating! It’s my birthday, so they should take my needs & feelings into consideration too.

My husband thinks that I’m ‘overreacting.’ What should I do?

If I talk to them about this, I’ll use ‘I’ statements. I’d tell them that I felt like I had to make to many changes in order to make them happy. How should I word things if I do end up saying anything?

Happy upcoming birthday to you!

I won’t advise you what to do. It may help you if you try working out what you want to say and try it out on this thread.

Oh gosh that’s a bit harsh of your husband imo, what do you think?

I’d personally be looking at the reasons why these people try to schedule early, why they don’t like noisy venues? For instance do they have hearing issues? Sensory processing issues? An auto immune illness might mean decreased energy means evening is out as they need to rest. Idk if any of that is the case but they’re the sort of things that might impact plans.

I have a couple of friends who do cancel plans last minute but I don’t take it personally as they have caring responsibilities and things crop up although I’m sad we don’t often get to meet up in person.

Every case is individual though.

I could use some advice on what to say to them. Ok All I got for now is this:.

I feel annoyed because I kept making numerous changes to accommodate everyones preferences for my birthday celebration.

I had to look for a new restaurant after two of my first choices weren’t OK. Then I had to change restaurants again because another one of you didn’t like the place that I chose. Then when all of you became available, everything was canceled because I said no to an earlier time change,

I try my best to accommodate everyone elses needs, but this is a little to much.

I’d appreciate it if you could work with me to make dome compromises like I do for all of you from now on.
I’d also appreciate more of a heads up when you need to cancel plans & not bail at the last minute.

I was tired that one time & I could’ve slept in instead had I known about things earlier. I was out by the time I received your texts.

Yeah, he is a bit sexist. He thinks that all women are annoying & difficult, lol.

They are all early bird types. One lady is pretty rigid. She rarely agrees to do anything past 1p.m. It’s to much. I’m not sure why that is. She does have a fear of driving at night. But it’s still light out at 5p.m now.

They’re all in their late 50’s & I think that they’re set in their ways unfortunately.

The pickiness with the restaurant is ridiculous! The lady who said the other place is to noisy, I don’t get. How would she know it’s to noisy? We’ve been to concerts together, do noise is not the issue here.

I think that she is just to lazy to drive out to the restaurant that I chose. Also, this place was a but more expensive than the first place & she’s a bit frugal.

The funny thing is that none of them gave each other a hard time about what place & time they chose for their birthday but me.

It almost seems like they don’t really want to celebrate my birthday. Hopefully I’m wrong about that.

One lady bailed. I don’t know why she did. This time the day didn’t work for her. This is from the uber picky lady who always has to have everything done how she likes it. She said no to the first two restaurants as she’s a very picky eater.

She doesn’t have allergies or anything like that, she’s just picky. She said she doesn’t like eating raw food when I chose a Japanese place. That’s silly as there’s cooked food there too.

Maybe this is a weird control thing too as I didn’t ask them where they’d like to go. I just asked them if this place is OK.

The other two women will always accommodate her whenever she asks to chenge the time to suit her needs. I’m the only one who doesn’t let her get away with manipulating things by saying no when everyone says yes.

I do agree to meet them earlier in the day sometimes, but it’s not fair that they don’t try to make compromises too. There’s some weird dynamic to where there’s pressure to conform because that’s what everyone else wants but me.

So they kind of use peer pressure to get me to do what they want.

Should I say anything to them or not? If not, then why? I’m meeting them this Sunday,

You’ve had this exact issue in a couple other threads. Unless you are willing to lose them as friends I’d let it go. Lunch is cheaper than dinner and that’s probably why they want the early bird times.

I can’t say whether you should say anything, it depends upon a couple of things I’d say.

How important this issue is to you. Is the venue and time the most important issue.

How important these friendships are to you. Are these people whose company you enjoy and who you have a positive connection with.

I was thinking that if they were married and or had children, they need to be at home for the dinner hour, whereas the time during the day is their own.

Also, i wouldnt call it "setting boundaries". If everybody in the group ordinarily gets together during the day, then yeah thats the group boundary. Find a different group that meets at night if thats your preference. Your boundary starts with yourself.

You don’t seem to like these women that much.

The group generally meets for lunch. That’s their thing. Doesn’t seem unreasonable. You could make a list of three restaurants and whatever the majority prefers, go with that. Or, you could say I’d like to go to X restaurant and invite whoever wants to join you and just understand not everyone may come.

My feeling is that to basically scold them for being too picky and then expect them to happily join you to celebrate your birthday is probably a bit presumptuous. Doesn’t exactly set up a welcoming and friendly vibe.

Yeah, thats how one treats family, not friends! Ha ha just kidding. Family of origin survivor (barely) over here.

It’s not just lunch. They also want to go to the movies early usually too. They just don’t want to compromise usually. The picky lady will usually try to get everyone to change the time to do everything earlier most of the time for everything.

One lady is married with kids. Another one is married with no kids. And the other one has a b.f & no kids. They just don’t want to compromise that much it seems like.

I’m not trying to scold them. I’m just a bit annoyed that I had to make so many accommodations for them for my birthday celebration. I feel that they should make a few compromises.

It’s not fair to me to how I always need to do whatever they want. My needs should matter too. They’re making everything about them.

I did ask them if this restaurant was ok or not & I had to change restaurants multiple times because they didn’t like the places I chose.

Matinee times are also cheaper. You know for someone who has no source of income and says your husband might be losing the house and owes the irs you certainly show no reluctance to spend money going to restaurants and movies during prime time, going to concerts and shows.

It’s not about the matinee prices. The matinee prices are good until 6. If I choose a 3 or 4p.m show, she tries to get us to meet for a show no later than 1p..m.

The point is she does not want to compromise at all. Everything has to be done early.

I don’t actually go out that often.

I have decided to listen to my husband & everyone on here regarding this issue. I’m still annoyed by their behavior. I still think that they should’ve made some compromises & not been so picky with me still.

I’m definitely not happy about things. I don’t think that it’s fair to how I’m always expected to do whatever they want me to do. They should make compromises too. My needs & feelings matter too.

The restaurant that I chose was only half an hour away from us. The lady who bailed at first this time all of a sudden was available to join us when I switched it back to a closer restaurant. Weird!

They never want to go anywhere that’s not close by. They don’t want to venture out of their comfort zone it serms like. They’d probably be happy to go to the same places all the time. Especially that one lady.

On top of everything, they all want to sit outside too. I had almost no choice in almost anything aside from choosing the restaurant which is ridiculous. Especially considering it’s my birthday celebration.

If it was their birthday & they wanted to meet early in the day at 11, I wouldn’t refuse to attend until the time & place was changed to my liking. As I said, ridiculous & unfair.

I don’t understand how no one can see how unfair this is.

I and my small group of girlfriends (4) only ever go to mornings or noon movies. Never anything later. We usually eat lunch after movies. We are all either employed or retired with pension so we can afford later movies or dinner but evening times are usually reserved for either families or getting ready for the next work day (if it’s Sunday.) We do sometimes eat dinner but it’s either special occasion or infrequent. It’s just what works for us.

If you like company of people who do things late, then this is just not your group. I don’t think the issue is them not compromising, they just not your crowd. You prefer late outings and long drives. Then find people who want that. Maybe younger crowd?

By the way I commute two hours a day to work. I prefer not to drive long distances on the weekends ti go to restaurants. Nothing wrong with going to near by restaurants

Also why do they have to go out of comfort zone? I like comfort that my friends provide.

If they have husbands/boyfriends/kids/jobs etc, they likely want to be home in the evenings.

It’s not just the time issue, it’s the unwillingness to compromise with anything period.

Like I said, I had to change the restaurant 3 times. And they couldn’t even be bothered to drive half an hour to one place.

And on top of that, they had to sit outside when it’s hot out when they know I can’t stand the heat

It’s all about an unwillingness to compromise period that is pissing me off. It’s all about what THEY want.

If they all like similar things but you like different things, then you are the one who needs to compromise. Not the other way around. Or you should leave the group

There’s more to friendship than restaurants. Do these people have anything you like about them? If not, then they just don’t seem to be people for you. Life styles don’t match and you just don’t like them. What’s the point of having friends if there needs to be so many compromises. Look for different friends.

Are you going to enjoy the birthday lunch with them?

I don’t think they are being unfair to you by not giving you what you want, when they do not want it. They don’t owe you that.

If you have a few friends to celebrate with, appreciate that for what it is. Without them, what would you otherwise do to celebrate your birthday?

This. You've called these people picky and lazy. Why should they want to celebrate the birthday of someone who judges and disrespects them? What do you bring to the friendship?

@jesyka,

I have a different viewpoint than others. I totally understand how you feel and your points and upset at these women are valid. It IS YOUR birthday after all, and I personally feel that friends in that case should accommodate the person celebrating their birthday, vs the other way around! I would be very annoyed too with this situation. Why should you be bending over backwards to meet every one of their needs. I agree - what you want matters too, and should matter.

Your husband certainly is sexist. And you are not overreacting. I would have said something to these women, but that's how I am. I confront issues and am very forthcoming when I am upset. I don't let things slide.

Happy birthday, btw. I hope you can work this out so that you can enjoy it!

Your birthday was July 4th. Almost two months ago. At this point I’d probably not be interested in massive celebrations. For the next year if you want to have a birthday party at the restaurant, tell them they are invited at this day and time and need to rsvp by whatever date. Who will be able to attend that’s who you’ll celebrate with. No need to keep changing venues.

But you also have to think what’s your priority, if you like these people then is it more important to go out late at night and far or is it more important to have good time with your friends.

I do wonder why going out earlier or seeing movies earlier is unacceptable for you. What do you do during the day that makes you unavailable until later?

And I agree with others in the light of being unable to pay mortgage and possibly losing a house restaurants and movies isn’t a priority. Also with the price of gas I’d prefer closer venue (if I had no money for mortgage). And I’d be very upset with my husband if I couldn’t pay mortgage, he wasn’t working but wanted to drive places for birthday and other dinner outings. You have to put things into perspective

I reread your post explaining ladies reasonings

You pick expensive restaurant. This lady is frugal. She has rights to be frugal and unless you are paying for their meals don’t invite them to expensive restaurants. Wanting cheaper venues makes total sense.

Restaurant is noisy and they don’t like it but you say they go to concerts. You go to concerts to listen to loud music. You don’t go to converse. Restaurants are for conversing while eat.

Being afraid to drive in the dark is valid. Late 50s is when you start developing cataracts and it’s blurry. Yes it’s light at 5, but might be dark when you go home.

If they have health issues and families and possibly still work, wanting to take it easy on the weekends is reasonable.

Now should they sometimes do things your way? Probably. But some things just don’t need to be compromised. Like driving in the dark or wasting money if people aren’t well off. You can’t ask for that compromise.