Divorcing a disordered person

I'm used to be wrong, and I'm used to being blamed, and I'm used to... Better yet, let's say, CONDITIONED to, being the one to reach, pursue, self examine, etc.

I'm also conditioned to fawn and to long for her.

You all taught me about trauma bonding. A friend of mine recently told me I had Stockholm syndrome.

If her life is falling apart, I want to help. If her life is wonderful, I'm jealous.

I also know for the first few years she was wonderful to be with. Whoever she latches onto next will get the same treatment. Lise Leblanc on YT talks about the husband of a borderline/covert narcissist trying for years to get back the wonderful, loving wife he once had. But I've been discarded. The new man will get the best of her. I'm jealous of that.

The other thing is, I like having a spouse, and it's the growing realization that that will never happen. It's certainly never going to happen in a way that I'd have a partner in child raising and someone to look forward to seeing each day.

It's also the emptiness I see in the kids. My oldest was furious at me for 6 months because I'd tried so hard in the months before and after we separated to find a way to reconcile with her. But I told him, you're left empty inside because of validation you need from her.

So, those are the feelings.

I'm looking for a way to cut the legs off the bed so I stop feeling like this.

RDMercer

It’s understandable you are having hard time but some of it is ruminating “what if “ and “why me” is only hurting you more.

With the divorce rate the way it is, it’s not unusual to not spend your whole life with the person you married. Join the club. Is it great that people get divorced? No. But it is what it is. One of the reasons people stayed together in the past was inability to divorce. So there is that. Not all negative

Life doesn’t turn out the way we planned it. It never does and it never will. So again join the club.

Some other men having her is pointless to agonize about. It doesn’t matter. They can have her

I assume you got married young. Going by how much you talk about her looks it was likely one of the main deciding factors. As men get older they are less likely to settle with helpless not self sufficient heavily drinking dramatic women, no matter how they look. No one decent wants to take that on. You’d not want that now. But even if they would, they’d learn the lesson quick

I’d say if she was a child, yes write her letters teaching her right from wrong. But she is an adult. People don’t change because their soon to be ex wrote them a letter. It’s a waste of time. And what would you write? I hope you don’t want her back.

If you feel like writing letters, write it and burn it. At this point you need to communicate via lawyers. Not mailing letters. When you sent her letters or emails asking her to come back, she called it harassment. She’s not going to see the light all of a sudden after reading your letters. It will be labeled “he won’t stop harassing me”

Ok, I want you to write out here what you want to write her in hopes to get through to her.

It’s imo an important exercise and part of your grieving so you can better move forward in your life. So far you are writing about feelings. That’s not things you would say to get through to her.

I posted on here for years before I said anything about her physical appearance, precisely because I was afraid it would be used to show I'm shallow, and ALSO because that's not why I married her. There were and are other physically attractive women. She was beautiful, because she was everything (adorable, intelligent, loving, funny) but it wasn't real.

I hung on for years believing that one day me and the kids would get her back, once we got answers for her physical health and depression. I loved her, and wanted her back.

Telling me to stop ruminating about her is right up there with telling someone to stop being depressed, or anxious, or bipolar.

The POINT of posting on here is that I'm trying to stop ruminating, and redirection isn't working.

"You're hung up on her looks."

No, she was through and through beautiful at one time, on top of being stunning. I'm not going to get raked for being deeply attracted to the woman I married, and for continuing to think she was beautiful right to the end.

And yes, the next guy will get several years of the best version of her. It will be different than what I got, because she will have to mirror him to get supply from him.

And me and the kids are in the discard pile.

At one time she was incredibly intelligent, and part of me keeps hoping that intelligence will allow her some epiphany of self awareness.


RDM

I believe you! I do not think you are shallow when you talk about her looks. I can also believe that she acted intelligent and engaging. It’s not uncommon for a man to always see that and feel that about their wife even when with her in old age.

She might eventually have some self awareness in regards to her parenting or rather lack of it. My biggest concern is why wouldn’t she even ask for visitation? She literally abandoned her kids the minute she left. That’s the biggest part of the puzzle for me. It’s unusual for a woman to not even ask for visitation with kids or make efforts to play some part in kids’ lives. She just dumped them.

There is nothing wrong with being attracted to your spouse or stating that she is attractive. That wasn’t what I was saying.

I was trying to say that I’d not worry that other men would have her. She definitely can get dates and you generally get more dates if you look better than average and know how to act (can be funny and can hold a conversation) that’s just how it works.

But getting dates and finding commitment is not the same thing. She’ll have hard time finding decent men to make life commitment to her if she can’t support herself, drinks and acts erratic. Plus has kids she doesn’t even see. I don’t believe decent men will line up.

And if they do, then the poor guys will be duped as they will have her best “fake self”. We know what’s her “real self” is

Like I said, telling someone who is asking for help to stop ruminating to stop ruminating, is like telling a depressed person to cheer up or an anxiety sufferer to stop worrying.

This is why I'm here. This recurred about9 days ago and I can't shake it this time.

And yes, the next guy will get suckered, after some time of getting her best.

To be fair, she did ask for time with the youngest. But the youngest is of an age where they have a say. The court said no visitation.

She completely discarded the oldest. The youngest saw that and called her out on it; "You want me because I'm a pay check. When I turn 18 you'll throw me away too. You weren't a mom when you were here, so don't pretend to be one now."

And, requesting visitation (actually 50-50 custody), was for appearances really, because she did things like withhold vaccination records, health insurance cards, birth certificates, etc., which we needed. She also tried to block us visiting my parents because my mom is in early stages of dementia.

The youngest is the glitch, you see.

She wants to be a downtrodden single mother, and instead she looks terrible. There's been attempts at image control with former friends.

Anyway, I'm going through a real setback.

RDM

There is no doubt that this is a very tough situation. I just wanted to stop by and offer my support as you're going through this. I am not going to tell you to stop feeling what you're feeling, but my approach at me leaving my husband, was turning it in internally and trying to appreciate my freedom that I don't have to hurt in that relationship anymore.

I hope you do find peace soon my friend, as I know how difficult this is.

You have a right to grieve. Grieving is a process and everyone does it differently. It’s actually normal to experience these lows that you are sharing. When we love someone deeply it’s very hard to accept how the other person doesn’t feel the same way or respect it.

Everything you have shared is pretty normal. You gave your heart to someone who did not appreciate or respect it. Yet, this is how she is as a person, something you have been slowly learning about. Please know that anyone else will just be used so there is no genuine caring on her part.

Her type typically just goes from one guy to the next as she is all about her own needs and ego. Sadly her own children know this about her.

I may have posted this before on one of your threads, but it could help, so I'll post it again....

Have you ever read Codependent No More? If you haven't, you might get a lot out of it. If you have, it might be worth a reread. If living with a disordered person results in the household changing it's function to accommodate the disordered person, you're getting into codependent territory. You can get so used to accommodating that person out of "love", that your own unhealthy behavior feels like something you have to do. The book is very validating about the types of experiences you are having, and can give you tools to change your thinking and start focusing on you and your future, rather than her.

And you are right, it's not always just as easy as saying "stop doing that.". As someone who once suffered from debilitating anxiety, trying to not think about something became the worst possible way to approach it. Instead, I had to turn broadside to the storm and realize that I COULD weather it. That's CBT.

I don't read your reactions as shallow in regard to her looks, but rather that she used up what was available with the family, then took that asset and bailed. And let's be realistic, like it or not, looks are big in the human world, especially at the onset of meeting someone. A lot of people are much prettier once we get to know who they are on the inside, but our brains do that initial physical assessment. She has likely taken that asset out into the world and is using it. Yeah, that hurts. And though a lot of people won't admit it, most of us would feel better, more vindicated, if we knew our exes were sitting on a couch in a studio apartment, eating Twinkies, and watching old episodes of Forensics Files....

Your wife is a person who relates to others in a transactional way. You are having a hard time with this aspect about her.

Every. Point.

Not some. Every.

Quote:

But I've been discarded. The new man will get the best of her.

Ah, but ypu also know what he will end up with. That I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy

I just needed to vent some of this.

That's all.

You did not have true closeness with your wife most of your marriage, no real intimacy and always lead to feel it was your fault. You deserve better.

Understand

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer I just needed to vent some of this. That's all.

I get it....over the last 16 years after leaving my marriage & finally getting my divorce I have vented a lot.

OK, I'm sharing this here because I won't talk to anyone about it, because it is in bad taste, it can be seen as hurtful, and also because of a Karma sorta thing happening.

Like I said, I saw her dating profile, seeking a long term relationship, stating herself as a single mom with graduate degrees.

I got a child support payment from her in December.

The one for January was two weeks late. I never said anything. I figured I'd get it eventually and that she was probably struggling. She pulled $2000 out of the joint line of credit (which was supposed to be off limits after our court date in December), so I assume that is what she is living off and making payments out of. I got a "high priority" email from her, and a flurry of text messages and emails alerting me to the emailed transfer for January child support. Thirteen minutes later a court officer called me to see if she had paid, as apparently they'd been in touch with her a few times about late child support.

I just got my child support payment for February from her, and an immediate follow up from a court officer to see if I received it.

I'm giddy right now. Like...... I silently laughed at my desk until I was wicking tears from my eyes.

I went and bought myself a breakfast sandwich and a coffee to breathe for a moment. I'm giddy, and I feel like that's wrong, but the thing is.... It was over a decade of threats of everything she was going to take, and me saying, "That's just not possible. Please work with me." It was months of me saying, "Can we just please go to mediation and figure out a support payment that is workable for all of us," expecting that I would be paying her, and she refused it, because she was going to take so much more. It was me begging her to release any hold on the house my son and I wanted to buy together, so that we could sell the family home and free up liquidity for all of us, and she refused. So, now I have the family home and she has no cushion or liquidity.

She threatened me that she was going to take so much I'd be forced to rent a bedroom in someone's home and I'd never have a house or an apartment. She's now renting a bedroom in someone's house.

I know she's hurting. I've done absolutely nothing to "rub it in" to her. Oh my GOSH this must make her angry . I'm sure she absolutely hates me for all of this .

And there was a monthly education fund we had been contributing to for the kids that she took about $2500 out of. The court has ordered that all gets paid back to me, since I am the guardian, and she has to continue to direct payments to it monthly, which hasn't happened yet. I'm giving it a month then alerting my lawyer that some money is due.

She must be so, so angry, and she has nowhere for it to go. I wonder who's getting it. Is it her landlord? Her co-workers? Her besties that talked her into all this?

Oh my gosh, I'm tearing up with laughter again.

I can't help but think that a 45-55 year old man isn't going to be too ready to take in a woman who can't work and who has child support payments and has no contact with her kids. Holy smokes, that's a lot of red flags. I expect it will be a string of short relationships to make withdrawals from.

Oh my gosh this coffee is delicious.

I bought one for a friend at work. He asked what was up. I said, just relaxing a bit, I just got my child support. He and his wife know my family and our history. He just toasted me with his coffee and said, "It's time to go scorched earth on her."

"I don't think I want to do that. What does that look like."

"Date her new friends."

I AM DYING RIGHT NOW!

I'm sorry, this all looks in such bad taste. It's such an overwhelming feeling of relief.

And I truly, truly did believe all the threatening things I was told for years; that I'd lose contact with the kids, that I'd be left with nothing, that I'd learn what it was like to deal with a powerful woman, that she didn't need me, that she was smarter than me, that I was a millstone around her neck holding her back, that I'd never accomplish everything she had in her education and her career, that she had friends that were like sisters and she didn't need a man, that I needed her to look after finances because I wasn't capable of it, etc. etc.

And right now, I'm sure reality still isn't reaching her. This is all my fault. I've manipulated everything, including the court.

Her anger was so, so unreal at me for so many years. I can not begin to imagine what it is like now, and there's nowhere for her to direct it. There is no one in her orbit now that has to take any of that anger from her.

My earlier comments about "transactional relationships" will hold true with all her relationships. Which means, she will be expected to contribute, as a friend, room-mate, co-worker, romantic partner, in ways that I never insisted she contribute. That must be a hard one to face too.

Pay day is Thursday. I had just enough money in the account to buy gas until Thursday.... Then the child support came in.

Yeah, giddy with relief in so many ways.

RDM

Awesome. I’d contact your lawyer now that she didn’t pay you pay you back money she took out of educational funds. I wouldn’t even wait.

Sounds like she has been learning some hard lessons

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Originally Posted by Open Eyes Sounds like she has been learning some hard lessons

That is an assumption that she is learning....my now ex lost the house we owned to selling right before the foreclosure auction. He never learned anything from the crap he pulled & he blew off a court order to put the money into a trust account until the divorce was resolved. Some people never learn no matter how bad it gets, they just keep trying to figure out how better to beat the system & sometimes it costs too much to hold them accountable. Hope not the case here.

The type of person that acts entitled and looks to threaten others the way you have shared are themselves chronically unhappy individuals that tend to seek things outside of themselves to fill the chronic void they developed possibly from their early childhood.

This type of individual tends to develop alcohol/addiction problems to avoid feeling and they tend to lack genuine attachment skills. Sadly the spouse and family/children end up walking on egg shells and no genuine connection takes place.

There was nothing you or your children could do to fix this. Instead you have been fed the unhappiness is your fault when that is simply not true. Don’t fall into the mental trap of thinking someone else will get a true healthy positive. That is not something these unhealthy individuals can give or maintain. Actually, this will get even worse as she ages.

Well, I don't think your celebration is all that out of place. FWIW, all you've really stated is that you're happy she didn't ruin your life. And a bit of schadenfreude never hurt anyone. Just remember the real revenge is moving on and being happy.

I feel really guilty for having posted this.

I honestly thought about how angry she would be with me and I was terrified for a split second, then realized it didn't matter.

That's when the flood of relief hit me and I began laughing.

Then my mind began racing about where the anger was going, because someone has to get it, but she's not the dominant person in any of her relationships right now that I know of. Then I thought, Oh my gosh she must be ready to explode.... And I'm not there to receive it.... And the relief hit again.

Thanks everyone. I'm sorry for gloating. I know she's an injured damaged person and deserves empathy too.