What to do when they come back?

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Originally Posted by unaluna Rd, you are so cute! You did good! With the empire-waisted midi-dress and cropped cardigan.

Lol...."technical terms" that is like how many women don't know the name of tools

I'm struggling some with rumination yesterday and today.

It might just be the holidays.

The issues with rumination aren't NEARLY what they were. Not at all.

As much as I enjoy the peace I have now, I still find it hard to be hopeful for the future long term. I've made a lot of progress financially, built some stability, and a steady 2nd income stream. I'm still catastrophizing often though.

Just today I was doing some banking, and I'm going....

All my Christmas expenses are covered, my Visa will be almost completely paid off this month, all my utilities bills are up to date. I have two vehicles I'm working on to either put on the road or re-sell. I'm taking some vacation this month because a big employer asked me if I'd come to tour their facility and talk about solutions I may be able to provide for them. I have two side-contracts I'll be starting next week for small clients, and a third in February.

And I'm waiting for the sky to fall, and to lose everything.

I really struggle to accept what is. I think that made me resilient in some ways, because I would never accept failure with some things.

What is true, and what I have to accept is:

-I was never married to a whole person.
- This will be very costly.
- Chances are, I am going to be OK.

I'll be ok, right?

I'll have more good times with my kids and family, right?

Got-dang, there is just this.... HOPELESSNESS that goes along with being partnered to someone like this long term.

The way I see it is you’re being proactive with your career and finances, and the same goes for your personal life. You have to be proactive and carve out and create the kind of life you will love. To stop rumination change your focus in the moment onto a positive activity - even if it’s just simply cleaning the house. Switching your focus helps redirect your thoughts to a different activity. Pursue the things you enjoy and fill your life up with joy. The joy always burns out lingering pain. You have one life to live - that’s it. And life can change at any time so create a life worth living and one you’re proud to live.

There's a friend of mine who has built a very successful small business. He has maybe six staff, but a large shop facility and a lot of investment in equipment.

He is extremely methodical and disciplined, including in his fun.

I've seen him work 16 hour days for long stretches, and told him "I don't know how you do it."

"Oh. This isn't for long. I'm flying to Houston to meet my brother after this contract, and taking my sister to meet him in Utah six months later for a hiking trip."

When he's away, his work phone is off. No contact for several weeks.

I'm not working toward anything to look forward to long term.

Maybe that is part of the problem.

I'm not trying to succeed. I'm trying to not fail.

The difference.....your friend doesn't have "unknown" legal issues ahead of him. For me, those unknowns make more definite plans hard to think about let alone count on.

I am kinda still dealing with this too. Ca lawyer just sent me a letter today from the loan holder of the loan my name is still on the home I don't even own that was sold 6 1/2 years ago. The kind of "form letter" telling us they will look into it (again) & get back to us if a response is necessary by 1/16/25. I am paying off my new heat pump this month before interest starts on the loan but the rest of my savings is being put away for "unknown" legal expenses. A friend said, ah, you can get your master closet done now.....but I can't spend money I may need an unknown amount of $$ for a court case. Everything in my life is on hold until this gets resolved.

The unknown does leave us hanging until it gets resolved. I lived with a financially irresponsible husband for 33 years, I am not about to make irresponsible choices myself so in REALITY.....I am good with waiting & doing without at the present but I am really getting to the point I want to go in for the legal kill on the investor, the scam escrow company & the ex.

Oh, this just continually reinforces why I am so glad he is no longer physically in my life or I might be needing bail money (jk). Impossible for me to feel any love toward a person who has done these things to my life. I am just thankful I left & kept him totally away from my inheritance so I could make a foundational good life this far away.

When the unknown (divorce finalization) is over for you, you will then KNOW what you have to work with & plans for the future will be easier. We survive no matter what, sometimes we have to be a lot more financially conservative depending on the results.

My Ky divorce gave me everything I own here. Didn't want to mess with Calif because they have no jurisdiction here over what he does in Calif. Shoot, even Calif lawyers are basically useless too.

Yeah, you are definitely right on a lot of that eskie.

I couldn't imagine spending $1000 on something indulgent, just to have an unknown expense pop up.

But that leaves us lingering in surviving, not thriving, I guess.

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Originally Posted by RDMercer Yeah, you are definitely right on a lot of that eskie. I couldn't imagine spending $1000 on something indulgent, just to have an unknown expense pop up. But that leaves us lingering in surviving, not thriving, I guess.

I feel like I am thriving anyway, not just surviving because I am out of the bad marriage. I can thrive at least emotionally while I am surviving financially. The peace & happiness I feel being out of that bad marriage is actually thriving given the fact that I almost didn't even survive being in it before I was able to get out & be free from the #@[[ it felt like being in it.

Think when we focus our perspective on the good we have now, even if not perfect, that sense of thriving is felt not just surviving

You have been gaining a lot of ground RD. You have finally allowed yourself to see your wife for who she really is instead of projecting an image of her that she will never be. Growth is when you finally learn to realize the reality of another person verses imagining them to be something they are not and taking the blame for whatever is wrong. Toxic people always look to blame and tend to play the victim. Add to that the fact that your wife chooses to abuse alcohol and may also use other false dopamine enhancing practices.

Going through a divorce is full of uncertainty. This is especially true when breaking away from someone that has toxic tendencies and can be emotionally unstable and self absorbed.

You have been growing and gaining skills. You WILL survive and thrive. ❤️

You have all seen me post lots of positive things on here.

The last few days have been a setback, and I'm scared of court.

There is a lot of "hanging on" in my thinking though, and not much moving forward with positivity.

Thank you, everyone.

RDMercer

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Originally Posted by RDMercer You have all seen me post lots of positive things on here. The last few days have been a setback, and I'm scared of court. There is a lot of "hanging on" in my thinking though, and not much moving forward with positivity. Thank you, everyone. RDMercer

You have a right to be scared about court. One never really knows the outcome until it is there no matter how much we prepare for it. I would go through stress before the Calif court hearing I had in 2018 & it was regarding the $$$ from the home, not the divorce.

When the court gets closer, we think about it more & stress & scared sets in. What you are experiencing is NORMAL & never feels good. It does build up closer to court we get because unknown outcomes based on a decision of someone else is never easy.

My T would ask me if I still needed her because I was doing so well & I always said YES cause I just need someone to talk these feelings & thoughts through with.

Just remember, those positives are ALL still with you through the stress, they are just dimmed by the brighter stress feelings but they are still there actually as bright as ever under it all.

Life will be brighter again after court no matter the outcome. Maybe have a chat with your lawyer regarding their plan of attack. That can actually give a small sense of relief building up to the court hearing.

Just remember that what you are going through NOW is normal with a divorce hearing in the near future

Courts are unpredictable. You never know which way it could go. But if you are reasonably prepared and have all ducks in a row, whatever happens you’ll make it through. It’s stressful, no doubt. It’s very normal to be scared. But it shall pass too and life will be good again.

I mentioned my friend, the small business owner.

He’s also the person who let me know he’d seen my wife out on a date a few months back.

I was at his place last night and told him about court coming up

“That’s such good news!”

“What? Why?”

“It’s progress. It’s time to move out of a holding pattern and into the next step of you getting better. You’ll be ok.”

I’m very fortunate for the quality of people I have around me.

Also

I introduced a friend to a friend yesterday, and as I expected the conversation was seamless. It was an excellent evening. The new friends talked more than I did.

I picked up DD from her friend’s place on the drive home. We watched half a movie last night.

Today, I was cleaning the kitchen when neighbours called to see if we wanted to come up for coffee. After that me and DD picked up some cleaning supplies and then stopped at a local pool hall (no alcohol served before 8pm, and $4/hr for teens to learn to play). We played two games this afternoon, checked out a gym for her, and went home to clean.

Tonight we’re finishing our movie. DD wants to have movie and pancake night. 🤷*♂️

DS called repeatedly to tell us about the new radio controlled truck he got that looks like his real truck.

THIS was the life that was relentless and overwhelming to my stbx wife!

This.

And she had a spouse that cleaned, did laundry, did homework with her and the kids, did all car repairs and all home and yard maintenance…

I wish I had it so rough….

RD

@RDMercer checking in to see how you are doing?

Pretty good

Still a little scared of court but getting better.

I’m editing some of this. It sounded gossipy.

No clue what I’m stepping into next week.

I’m trying to keep some perspective. Others have survived this.

RDM

Well you cannot do anything about her behavior and you never could. You have come very far recognizing that and accepting the reality of who she really is. I had to go through that myself so I know it really does take patience and time. My guess is she is volatile because she is finding out she is not going to get what she wants. The lawyers see this all the time.

Do your best to stay calm and move forward. You have made important progress.

@openeyes is referring to my edited comment

My lawyer referred to her as volatile several times during our meeting.

I don’t want to leave OpenEyes hanging after I edited my comment.

RDMercer

I am glad you pointed that out. I don’t think you are being gossipy either, I think you are just being a nice guy and you are trying to be respectful.

Individuals that have cluster B issues tend to prod and poke in order to get a reaction so they can release their pent up emotions. These individuals are emotionally imbalanced so they learn to manipulate others as a way to release these pent up emotions. These individuals also turn to alcohol as a crutch instead of developing actual healthy skills that actual adults have developed. This is why alcoholism is a very narcissistic disease.

I have had to learn about this as I have mentioned because my husband had problems with alcohol. As I have mentioned before l, I was told by a family therapist that my husband had the maturity level of a 13 year old and I felt lonely for an actual adult partner. Volatile as has been described is a childish meltdown. It’s like that child that has a toxic meltdown in the toy store when he is told no he can’t have that.

Your wife just wants to be a princess party girl. She wanted freedom to party and have YOU pay for it. Manipulators don’t love, they use. THIS never means a person being used isn’t worthy of love. No it’s the people that are disordered that are the ones with the problem. I know you really wanted to believe there was something you could do to fix it, but there just isn’t.

Alcohol abuse disorder has a lot of denial and unpredictable behavior to it. This can leave a partner with trauma symptoms much like what you have described dealing with and so have your children.

Yeah. There’s a lot you’re saying that I agree with.

The entitlement is amazing. Truly, what she’s looking for doesn’t exist.

I make a good income but these days you need two incomes most places to own a home and get ahead.

She still thinks she should get 45% of my income, and with that she’s going to buy a house and basically be kept.

Well

No

That’s just not possible.

I don’t know what’s ahead for her. She’s very attractive. But she’s extremely educated and barely employed. She has (claims?) umpteen health issues. She has older kids she has no contact with.

If she can’t live off whatever she gets from me, she’ll need a benefactor

Any man that steps into that, at our age, will most likely read those red flags and have some strict boundaries and expectations.

And I’m here in this house going

This is a great house

We have great neighbors

We have great kids

I have a good job with steady day shift and good benefits

She’s not going to get this again.

She had a dream of using men and it’s going to end up the opposite.

My brother said “Do NOT give up anything. You don’t know what’s ahead or how you’ll weather this. Once it’s done, IF you’re ok, decide if you WANT to help on your terms.”

Your brother is right. From personal experience.....I let my ex basically have everything from 33 years of marriage just to get away from him & he lost everything. Don't feel generous cause you will look back & think why in the world did I ever do that. Go for everything then give a little if necessary.

@RDMercer, did you have the court hearing? How did it go?

Cancelled

Pushed back to a later date while she seeks a new lawyer.

That’s the short version.

The longer version is that she retained a very, very high end lawyer

She fired her first lawyer about 10 days before court. My lawyer expected her to represent herself. I said, Maybe. But she’s tapped into money somewhere. She looks too good, the new car is too nice. There’s an equal chance she’ll procure a premium lawyer.

Which she did.

One that I’d retained the services of previously. That’s a conflict of interest. So it looks like they’re dropping her.

I’d also emailed her a half dozen times previous to that asking if we could share information about lawyers and selections to prevent that.

She told me to pound sand.

Meanwhile life is good. Comfy house, nice neighbors, healthy kids, and I’m enjoying work.

I'm still kind of ruminating. Not like before.

There's no deep profound pain and longing anymore with the rumination. There's just.... Disbelief.

And it's also me wondering if at any time any degree of realization popped into her head that said, "Wow... I've really blown it. I've wrecked my relationships with my kids, I've caused a lot of financial hardship, and I left a comfortable home with a man that looked after a ton of stuff for me."

I can't imagine the cognitive dissonance that must be going on in her mind.

I also can't imagine how she is "spinning" this to whoever is in her life that is financing everything for her.

RDMercer

You have finally allowed yourself to see the reality of her verses what you kept projecting her to be. Many do that and they finally are forced to see the truth This is hard because in the mix it’s easy to blame one’s self for not seeing how hopeless it was going way back.

The question you are asking about her regretting what she did or what you feel she gave up? The answer is no and that is still giving her what would bother you which is again projecting your own values. This is where the disbelief comes from.

From what you shared, your wife’s comments and actions looked to destroy your sense of self worth. That’s what toxic people do.

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And it's also me wondering if at any time any degree of realization popped into her head that said, "Wow... I've really blown it. I've wrecked my relationships with my kids, I've caused a lot of financial hardship, and I left a comfortable home with a man that looked after a ton of stuff for me."

I have no contact with my ex but my adult daughter does. She knows the facts of what has happened over the last 17 years vs the lies her dad has told her. I am so happy in the life I have now with my farm, my animals & the awesome community I live in (like you are). It was fascinating in a conversation with my daughter awhile back, she sounded disgusted at him & commented to me that he is full of hate & anger. Probably because he lost everything he had that he wanted instead of agreeing to the divorce. Think he thought not giving up the things would get me to stay instead of walking away. Not sure he really understands the underlying reasons of his hate & anger or that he ever will. Not my problem. Sadly her dad may become her problem to deal with in his older age. She (& I think he had had cognative issues for many years). We can never know what or why they think the way they do because they think with broken minds that we can never understand nor would we really want to.

Keep up your positive outlook on your life with your kids. It will pay off in the end.

On the topic of court, the loan holder could do nothing about getting my name off the loan. Told my lawyer that it was my ex's responsibility to demand a refinance from the investor & that it will have to be a civil case. Over $10,000 & I am no closer to a resolution than I was in 2020 when I found out my name was still on the loan. I gave my lawyer a strong statement that I would not pay them money for them to try & get my ex to do anything legally. They can write a demand letter to the investor but if it comes to a civil case it is all out war, me & my law firm against them ALL (& who knows how much more in legal costs). The only do over I would wish for was cancelling the wedding when I knew I should in 1975. Would have saved me 50 years of headaches.